Not fully free to be myself in front of husband?

[Pigglingtonbear]

I've been married for over 20 years. Marriage is quite good at the moment, we've had bumpy patches like most long term relationships, but overall we're a pretty good team. He's a good person- works hard, very honest, kind gestures, good to the children etc. However, I do feel that I have moulded my personality a little or reigned in aspects of it over the years for his sake and find it bugging me more and more these days. I used to be quite spirited and silly but as he's quite serious, I feel that I've lost some of this over the years. He never laughs at my jokes, gets really annoyed if I'm singing etc. I was relaying a funny story earlier and he immediately butted it and said "we don't need the accent" - I was using a similar voice to the person who told the story and he clearly found it irritating. He's done this before several times- it completely takes my joy away and makes me feel stupid and annoying. My daughter has commented on how he only laughs at his own jokes and almost refuses to find me funny. I worry that maybe I am just a bit annoying! But part of me is tired of not being my full, real self. I sometimes fantasise about living alone by the sea with a cat for company. I worry that he's going to get more moody as he ages. Is this just a small personality clash which I'm overthinking due to perimenopause. Feel sad about it today.

If this has been going on for 20 years I'd be surprised if you have any self esteem and confidence.

My ex husband was very much like this. He is very intelligent and even though we’re both educated to the same level (in fact we met at Uni and were on the same course) he always thought of himself as more intelligent and mature than me. I also felt like I irritated him. Over the years I moulded myself into someone I wasn’t because it suited him. My family are very jokey and all of my siblings, and me, are funny. We take the piss out of each other a lot, play harmless pranks and generally just like having a laugh. He hated all of them and would sit in a strop the whole time we met up with them, being a fun-sponge. He made me so miserable but it happened slowly and I couldn’t stop it. One day my siblings held an intervention of sorts and told me that they didn’t feel I was happy, I was turning into someone I’m not and that they didn’t like him. Then my brother looked at me with the saddest face and said that he’d dulled my shine. That was it! That one sentence changed my life. It still took me almost a year to finally leave but I never forgot that sentence because it made me wake up and realise how much I’d changed to become the wife he wanted me to be. Of course, even that wasn’t enough and he used to enjoy telling me all the things I did that annoyed him.
My now dh is the complete opposite. He might roll his eyes at my cheesy jokes, cheesy dance moves and off key karaoke but he has never once tried to change me. He accepts and loves me the way I am

In every marriage there is always the x % of things that are annoying that will never change. This will not change. You have lived with this for 20 years. Is this worth a break up ? You can have friends that share your sense of humour. He does not laugh anyways.

I separated from my now ex-H in 2017. I didn't realise how much I had stopped being me. I also didn't realise that his treatment of me was abusive. I know that sounds ridiculous, but i was young, he was older, in a position of power etc etc and over the years he just chipped away and I was good at masking.

I smile now, a lot, I am happy every day. My best friend says that I am back to how I used to be over thirty years ago. I am never changing or suppressing myself again, for anyone, ever.

@unsync Good for you! I hope you enjoy every minute of your new freedom to be you.

If you met him for the first time now would you date him?

This is why I always love the company of my female friends as opposed to average Joe Bloke.
Lots of men are like this I find.

I watched Have I Got News For You last week and cringed for the lone female on there.
Are they threatened by a strong, confident, interesting funny woman?

My ex was like this.
He disapproved of everything I read/watched/wore/ate/cooked/enjoyed etc etc There was zero chance of him ever laughing at a joke I made (he wasn't British, but his compatriots found me hilarious 😂)

You are right, he's stealing your joy with his churlishness OP.

He's probably moving into the manopause. As they get older testosterone levels drop causing grumpiness and maybe then ED and reduced sex drive. Grumpy Old Men wasn't just a tv show.

I get you, all the parts of my personality my friends love me for he finds annoying and quite often stupid! Don't know if it's having lived with them for so long or just different personalities.

You'll end up eroded. When somebody 'meets' your real personality with some sort of coldness, you end up minimising your personality and it's not like it's replaced by anything else. It just makes you less

@GreyCarpet ''My mum did it and it's what she raiised me to do - suppress all aspects of 'me' so that I would be as unremarkable and inoffensive as possible.''

My mum did this to me too. she tutted me for a bit of of gesticulation recently, I need to be small and neat and polite and grateful and optimistic, that's it, nothing ''weird'' like having an interest in psychology or art, or the tarot, cos all of that is me not her so she sniffs at it. Her entire philosophy and personality is STIFF UPPER LIP and the message I've received from her my whole life is ''don't be you, be me''.

And I met and had children with a man who gave me the same message really. I left him 17 years ago so this is all in the past and I've recovered and healed a lot.

Except OP says:

He is quite serious, always has been, but I do think he's got worse over the years. He was dumped by several girfriends before me for being too serious.

So he's been like this a long time.

OP you may not think this is a LTB situation but your life and the way he constrains you shows the beginnings of LTB. Perhaps a break from living with him (even a holiday) and with people who love and enjoy you as you are will help mentally resuscitate your a bit?

Can you live the remaining decades of your life with him making you feel less than? Or as a previous poster says not "dull your shine"? What a waste of your future, if so. 🌹

Years ago I read a marriage counsellor who wrote that she could tell which marriages would work out almost as soon as the couple stepped into her office - if one or both treated the other with disdain there was no coming back. You deserve better, op.

whats all the kind gestures and nice things he does op

I found myself like this with my ex, my friends said the ‘old almost’ was back when we split, vowed to be myself unapologetically, but I’ve found myself in the same position again. I get told off for making the kids excited for anything and no plans can be made more that about a week in advance because ‘you never know what might happen’. My light has definitely dimmed again.

OP you sound lovely but he certainly isn't.

The fact that your daughter has remarked on this should be a really HUGE RED FLAG for you.

She is watching her father being a belittling prick towards his wife.

I have two precious daughters, and I wouldn't want them seeing the message your husband is sending being so obvious that my daughters need to point it out.

It is not easy for children to point stuff like this out, that she has done so is really huge.

Would you like to watch her mirror your life in 20 years?

As for your concern about him turning into a grumpy prick as he ages, you are absolutely correct to be worried.

At nearly 60 I have a bag full of stories between my golf and tennis club of stories of women managing, avoiding, living together but being separated, to full on divorce because of men like your husband being unbearable in retirement.

In my experience men often become the very worst versions of themselves in retirement.
Difficult? Only more difficult.
Demanding? Only more demanding.
Controlling? Only worse.
Cranky? Absolutely awful.

I appreciate that sounds very negative but I am being honest.

Having your own life, career and pension is so important.

Marriages that have limped along often implode because of the sudden close proximity that retirement brings when men are difficult.

The ones that I see survive have the wives living very busy independent lives, holidaying with friends, sisters, children and filling their days with people that care and nurture them.

Expecting a difficult negative man to morph into a light happy individual in retirement is spectacularly optimistic.

I certainly wouldn't bet on it.

He is nasty and unkind.
He is reducing you to a shell.

His dismissal of your upset and concerns is consistent with a selfish, unkind, belittling man that cares little for who you really are.

I am not telling you to pack up and leave, but I would strongly suggest some solo therapy to figure out what you want for your future.

Think long and hard about what your daughter has found the courage to tell you, that is the unvarnished truth close up.

You deserve better.

Be bolder. If he's being a mean, tell him. If he's humourless, tell him. Be you, life is short. He'll either get with it or do you a favour and fuck off. You deserve to be you, enjoy your life. Let him be miserable on his own, don't lose out on life.

@wildwestpioneer
'Fun sponge' 😂 exactly this. It's about time OP turned the tables on him.

I think this is really sad and it reminds me of my vibrant, confident and hilarious cousin who gradually became a shell of her former self the longer she was with her partner, her daughters dad.

We all loved her for who she was and funnily enough he loved those traits in others, just not her. His friends seemed to appreciate her more than he did and I think this was the problem, he was actually jealous she got more of the limelight than he did.

For me though, it was horrible to see the light fade from her, she really is naturally funny but he was the only person who didn't appreciate this and gradually criticised her more and more over the years until he really wore her down and became downright abusive.

Happy to say she got rid and is almost back to her former self, but it's massively affected her self esteem in so many ways. It's sad your husband doesn't seem to appreciate how wonderful you are, please think about this carefully, you sound lovely x

Gosh. I really wasn't expecting such a strong response from everyone. I'm concerned that I've made it sound worse than it is. Or maybe I'm in denial. My daughter recently left for uni, and we have a very similar sense of (daft) humour, so I think I am missing that. She helped keep husband in his place a bit, together we'd use humour to push back when he was being miserable/humourless. He was never critical of her. Generally our home is a pretty chilled, happy one. We've talked some more and he claims that I'm critical and don't listen/butt in when he's talking. He also said he doesn't laugh at anyone, but he does, especially if they're male. He definitely talks 'at' me quite a lot. He rarely asks me about myself or seems particularly interested in me. He does a lot of political ranting. Occasionally I have interrupted him when something is going on in the background or a child needs something etc - he often launches into monologues when I'm already doing something or working, so he probably doesn't have my full attention on those occasions. He is moving into grumpy older man territory. He's been shouting on the phone at customer services a few times recently and getting wound up over little things. I've had to tell him to calm down and remind him of things we should be grateful for. However, he can be very kind and considerate a lot of the time too. He is decent and honest and I do still find him attractive. We chat and laugh together and agree on lots of things, go for walks, theatre together and cuddle up on the sofa etc. Compliments and intimacy are in short supply though. He has quite an ascerbic sense of humour and it is quite often directed at me, not always in the nicest way - I think he inherited this from his mum . I feel we drifted apart quite a bit in our 30s due to work/young kids etc. I thought things might be improving recently as some life pressures have been removed, but he does seem to be grumpier in some respects. I can be sharp and critical. I've had a lot of trauma in my life and a dysfunctional upbringing so I find it difficult to judge. I've suffered from anxiety and mild depression on and off over the years but generally just try to battle on. I've had therapy in the past - I was at the point of wanting a divorce back then but the therapist unravelled my family background/narcissistic mother instead and I realised where a lot of my issues stemmed from. She didn't see issues in my relationship interestingly, and we got on much better after I'd had the therapy and I felt much happier, especially after setting boundaries with my mother. I do struggle with self esteem and guilt, but I think most of this is from my upbringing. My MIL is pretty horrible to DH, never cuddled him growing up and is very critical of him still and I wonder if he would also benefit from solo therapy. I need to pull him up when he's mean, going forward, and try to learn to be my authentic self, however annoying he finds it! I don't like the idea of having to go out constantly and rely heavily on female friendships just to escape him, I'd rather live alone and see friends now and then.

@Pigglingtonbear
Your additional postings suggest that you have a good handle on your life and in spite of the issues with your husband's moodiness, you life seems infinitely better than most regularly described on this forum.

You know what your options are, and I expect that you know how to exercise them should the need arise.

If my husband said this to me, I would reply ‘Don’t fucking stifle me! We DO need the accent, it makes the story funnier. You’re only pissy because I’m much funnier than you!’ It serves two purposes A) Puts him in his place. B) Winds him up.

I was never myself with my ex. Even now we have been split 12yrs and still get along as friends; a friend commented to me recently how she’s noticed I’m not my usual self in his presence. I didn’t know her when we were together and it’s not a conversation I’ve ever had with her how I felt I couldn’t be myself, so it’s obvious. I don’t see much of him these days as the kids have grown up. I’m a strong independent woman, but parts of his personality made me anxious / nervous. I feel the kids act like that around him sometimes too.

I was also thinking this, @DeadbeatYoda , you should call him out, OP.

OP, next time you’re telling a funny story and he’s being a wet blanket, tell him what a bore he is:
”Oh, you’re a misery, where’s your sense of humor?” “ Aren’t we allowed to have a laugh?” “ Don’t be poe-faced, it’s boring!”

Turn it around on him and let him know that he’s spoiling the mood.

It is unreasonable to blame or resent someone for assuming that the persona that you chose to present to them is the real you.

But OP is showing herself to him sometimes- he just pours cold water on her when she does.