Relationship with DH after baby

[froulala]

Tell me at least some of this is hormones talking!

DH and I have been together almost 15 years and had our first DD a few months ago. He is absolutely besotted with DD and it is genuinely wonderful to see. He was really upset to go back to work following his paternity leave (although we do have some SPL coming up later) so I've been trying to do what I can to try to counteract that - picking up the housework so that his free time is just with DD, bringing her to him for a quick cuddle if he's WFH and she's particularly smiley, etc. I think there is also some guilt on my side as I only get SMP so at some point DH is probably going to have to pick up more of our bills.

So far so good in that they have a great bond. But I feel like somewhere along the way I've lost myself a bit and what I mean to DH. I'm often struggling to wash/dress properly, get out of the house (DD is EBF and often feeding every 1.5 hours or less, even in the night), my face looks really drawn, I'm losing my hair. I'm tired and so sometimes don't have the same energy with DD as he does, which I think he judges me for. On several occasions when it's been a bit of a difficult day and I'm a bit frustrated/quiet he's told me he'd swap places with me in a heartbeat?

Will some of this just take time to settle? I just feel a bit like at the moment I'm not quite sure what I am to him. I could perhaps have more energy/time if I did less around the house but he's been clear before that he sees housework as part of maternity or paternity leave.

Sorry for the rambling - thanks for any thoughts!

You sound exhausted. Have you thought about bottle feeding so he can share the load? Does he also pitch in around the house eg cleaning/shopping/cooking etc

You're only a few months pp, honestly give yourself time to feel/look more yourself- it's incredibly draining mentally & physically having a small baby especially if you are EBF. I'd just say talk to him about how you feel, listen to him & how he feels & go from there. Share the load as much as you can, especially if you are EBF he needs to pick up some of the load off you as you must be shattered. Just keep communicating

You are exhausted OP, I don't think your husband quite understands the labour of being an EBF mother.
That said, could you combi feed your baby so he can get involved more with feeds etc? you can also express as well?
The biggest thing I remember my midwife telling me when I brought DD home was to adjust your standards a little around housework etc - not saying you have to let the home descend into a hovel! but you just won't have the time to maintain a show home unless he helps you.
I think you should explore combi feeding, you will still get to breastfeed but does take the exhaustion and pressure off EBF.

To pick up one bit of your thread - your husband (and I'm not using 'd', as he doesn't sound pleasant to me) should already be paying more of the bills. All money now goes in to one pot - all bills come out, then you split the remainder 50/50.

In the first year with DD I wondered if me and DH would make it through as I felt like my life had changed and his hadn’t and that he didn’t understand what it was like for me. With the benefit of hindsight I can see that both of our lives had changed and it was hard for us both. When we had our second DC my DH was furloughed and he got a real experience of the first few weeks which really helped when he went back to work.
It did get better as time went on and we both stopped trying to compete about who had the works day/was more tired etc.
I have to admit I’m slightly astounded that he sees housework as part of maternity leave; why does he get to decide that? Take the time in the day to shower, go out for coffee etc and if there is time after for housework then fine but it’s not a priority above your needs

Housework is not part of maternity leave. Looking after the baby is! Obviously you can do a bit if manageable, but it’s a bonus, not a requirement.

At the weekend, give him some lovely time alone with the baby. Have a long shower, wash your hair, go out for a little while. Come back and see how much housework he’s done.

He works presumably 40 hours a week. So you “work” 40 hours a week looking after the baby. Evenings and weekends need to be shared - housework and childcare.

p.s. I will say that my relationship definitely did feel like it was put on hold for a year or so… we were more like housemates, but still a good team.

One of us would look after the baby, one of us would do some cleaning. And my DH appreciated that sitting at his desk having a coffee and wee whenever he felt like it was easier than looking after the baby all day.

I'm 11yrs post partum and still look tired most of the time 🤣 give yourself a break :)

he's been clear before that he sees housework as part of maternity or paternity leave

Since when is he the boss of that, especially given he has no experience with maternity leave, or caring for a breastfed baby?

I think your DP is being harsh. Having a baby really takes it out of you mentally and physically. Did he squeeze a human being out? No, he didn't. You did. Breastfeeding, lack of sleep.

You're so focused on your DP adjusting, bonding, seeing the good bits, what about you?

Give him the baby when it's cranky and you are overwhelmed.

Maternity leave is about the baby, not him getting a housekeeping too,

Totally, totally normal to have extensions in your marriage, no matter how strong it is, when you have a baby. You are exhausted, both your worlds have changed, and it really common for you both to have "grass is always greener" feelings about work v being at home full time. Do not let those feelings - or the Mumsnet LTB posse - tell you that means there is anything fundamentally wrong in your marriage.

What you need is to (a) cut yourself some slack re eg appearance, (b) be a bit more selfish - ask him to do a shift with the DC when the DC is grumbly, still expect him to do some Jose work especially on the weekend; (c) take some time for yourself even if it's just a short walk each day when DH finishes work or lying in the bed with a book or whatever) and above all - try to communicate as much as you can with DH about how you feel but explain you aren't asking to be jollied along by being reminded how lucky you are, you just occasionally need to let of steam with a whinge and his job is to be sympathetic not do the classic male thing of trying to solve the problem or cheer you out of it.

Please don't bottle feed unless you want to. Not as a way of getting a rest. The thing to drop is the housework, not feeding your baby.

He needs to step up. You are NOT on mat leave to do the housework, you are looking after your baby and this is exhausting. Housework should be 50:50 at the very least. He has NO CLUE what it's like to be at home with a baby, so he can say he'd change places in a heart beat, but this isn't based on experience is it?! Don't let him make you feel guilty.

I remember feeling haggard, tired, hair falling out etc. you need to be able to do basic care for yourself. Hair wash, washing, dressing and EATING. And he should want this for you.

Talk to him. Point out the reality of your situation. Try and get him to experience it how you do. He needs to step up and open his eyes.

Do not sacrifice the fun stuff with your baby so he can have it. You need to do less and enjoy your baby.

Sorry if this sounds tough, but I've been where you are. You're also setting yourself up for unequal labour once you go back to work by doing it all now. It won't change

And do not feel
Guilty about the financial split. This is a joint decision and you are working much harder than him, it's just that you're not getting paid

I think any relationship or marriage is put under so much pressure and stress after a baby. Your identities shift and change, your priorities change, you're exhausted and it can leave you feeling very vulnerable and doubting the relationship. I felt vulnerable on mat leave and felt better when I was back at work. But it is such an immense shift in a relationship and takes time to find your feet.

Just wanted to react on the loss of your hair. This is normal, as you retained your hair during pregnancy. It will get better in a month or two!

furthermore: why does your DH get to decide what is part of mat leave while he isn’t even on mat leave while breastfeeding?

Exactly this.

I'd be fuming if DH said that to me.

OP you do seem... frankly afraid of him. You're treating him like a boss you're sucking up to. Is there a reason for that? Marriage is, or should be, the collaboration of two equal partners.

Breastfeeding is exhausting. Are you eating and drinking enough? Taking multivitamins? He can’t ever swap places truly in terms of the physical impact of recovering from pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding – it’s a proper endurance feat. The postpartum hair loss is a real shitter – especially after pregnancy gives you lovely unicorn mane hair.

I disagree with him wildly that the parent on leave takes on the bulk of the housework: care of a baby is a full-time job, quite often. And you’re doing it with the breastfeeding and night wakings too. Of course you look drawn!

Washing/dressing: depending on the baby’s temperament, bouncy chair in the bathroom while you shower. Depending on your temperament, whinging/crying baby somewhere safe like the cot while you shower. Your DH should also be facilitating you having time to have basic grooming and self care if your baby won’t be put down, for instance – with my first, DP had a 2.5 hour commute (we moved!) and showering was impossible as DD had colic and I had PND and couldn’t cope with her screaming for me while I showered, so he had to find the time to take her so I could wash.

Can he take a day off and shadow you to see what you do all day? Like how long breastfeeding takes and how often the baby cries and all the nappies and if naps are contact naps and all the rest of it? Like, not that he makes lunch while you feed the baby: he has to sit and be trapped on the sofa to mimic you being trapped and unable to make lunch while feeding. I did this once with DP and it was transformative once he saw DD’s feeding schedule and how she pooed after every feed and also wanted to roll during nappy changes. For added points make him wake up and stay up for every night waking, and run on a calorie and water deficit to mimic what you’re doing.

If DH has time to shower and have haircuts and whatever else around his working day, you need the same and you need his support to achieve this. It does gradually get easier, especially if you have a compliant baby who’ll cot nap and follow a routine… …then gets harder as they nap less, get more mobile, and start actively trying to injure themselves while demanding solids 3x a day that they fling at the ceiling.

I don't get it. You are doing the childcare and the household tasks, you're still contributing financially (from your savings I assume?) and HE is claiming you're not doing enough while he swans in for happy cuddles with the baby?!

He's a total wanker.

If he wants to swap places, start working towards that. I assume he'll be funding his share of all expenses from his savings, and of course, he'll do all the night wakings, childcare, cooking, cleaning etc?

Thanks, all. Really reassuring to hear that a lot of this is very familiar! A lot of practical tips in there, too - I think as DD and I can find more of a routine I need to start building in slots where I shower, brush teeth, sort out food/drink for myself etc.

Re: division of labour - I think it is that DH doesn't get what a full day and night with a baby looks/feels like rather than that he's taking advantage. I was as unrealistic beforehand. I thought it would be doable for me to keep a handle on basic things every day - i.e. dishwasher on/emptied, washing on and dried, make lunch/dinner for us both. Seemed to make sense - I blame these "Baby week by week" books that make it sound like you'll have these lovely neat slots where baby naps and you can crack on - not that you would be welded together for about 20 hours a day either feeding or contact napping!

There's also a part of me that wants to keep on top of those things. I don't know of it's a hangover from work - wanting to tick things off - or just as basic as not wanting to sit in a messy house!

Re: money - we've always had separate finances, with bills split down the middle - felt most natural as we met whilst students and have had times where each of us was the higher earner. We've just never had a time where one of us is effectively not earning. He has said we need to sit down and work out how much money I need from him and has told me not to avoid doing/buying things because of cost but I'm not really sure what's fair.

Re: bottle feeding - I don't think it's for us at the moment. I've pumped on the odd occasion to get DD used to taking a bottle, but as she's still feeding so frequently (and contact napping) it ended up more work to try to fit a pumping session between feeds! Definitely open to it as things space out a bit, though, and DH is keen too.

It does all change! I’m 10 months in with my second baby and he is strictly a routine baby (thankfully he seems to like it) with set cot naps that (barring teeth or illness or regressions or days ending in Y) he generally does like clockwork. At which point you do create your own system of when to shower, you get to keep the house as clean/tidy as you can cope with balanced against how much night sleep you’re getting, the dishwasher, laundry and cooking generally gets done but also, nothing ever gets done – you get used to the to-do list rolling into the next day, and slightly lower standards, and hopeful prodding of finances to see if you can get a cleaner.

But the part where they breastfeed relentlessly and only sleep on you is HARDCORE. Personally I found pumping didn’t help a jot: if DP fed the baby expressed milk so I got a break, it was at the expense of my doing the pumping at another time. So just shifting the chore around. I also found pumping harder work than breastfeeding.

What did help me in the early months: hot shower after a sleepless night, non negotiable. Vast quantities of caffeine and cake (DS is now a very good sleeper and my milk being 99% caffeine doesn’t seem to affect him). Fresh air! Sling walks, pram walks, even in the pissing rain, help blow the cobwebs away. Letting go of guilt over contact naps and sitting “doing nothing”: you’re not doing nothing, you’re giving your baby exactly what they need and crave and want. Little babies just want to be held, preferably by their mummy. What Mothers Do is a great read, if you’re up to reading. And I hear you on the mess: I tried to have one nice, non-chaos room to keep me calm and my head clear. Most babies will happily kick under a play gym for five minutes while you fling toys in a basket and hide the mess in other rooms. Then settle in for your marathon breastfeed and contact nap with the cake you need to fuel the feeding, surrounded by neat room (even if all the laundry is on the kitchen table).

So you pay half the bills, do all the house work and all the childcare because your lord and master considers that fair?! Like fuck it is! You’re funding your own maternity leave so he can piss off with dictating how you spend it. Stick up for yourself, you know this isn’t fair and you sound exhausted.

OP - you are married - so it shouldn’t be the case of ‘how much money you need from him!’

Its one thing when you are students, dating or newly married. But even then - the point of marriage is to create more of a joint entity.

Now that you have given birth to YOUR JOINT child - you are a team raising that child. And at this point your contributions are different:
…. you provided your body, and your health and most of the physical effort needed to ensure your child’s wellbeing
…. husband’s contribution is largely financial - bills, shelter, etc

He works 40hrs/week - you work as a childcarer 24x7=168hrs/week

So - it’s not a question of him considering Job X in the house yours. Or tell you that you need to ask for money…
If he starts producing milk and picks up a fair share of the childcare hours - then he’ll have a right to these opinions. But at this point - he is grossly underperforming on the balance of fair effort distribution.

If you are still breastfeeding every 1.5 hours - you never even have a full night sleep. And that is not something anyone can sustain for too long…
Is there anything you can try to do to extend the periods between feeding - so that you can have a bit more rest, at least sometime?

The way that we split finances now that I’ve had one maternity leave and gone part time is that we both keep an equal amount of spending money back for ourselves (the amount varies per month but is equal for both people). The rest goes into the joint point.

When I was on maternity leave this meant that towards the end I contributed nothing to the joint pot in order to keep the same amount of spending money, and the last month when my pay was down to £0 I took money out of the joint account to have my equal spending money.

You must parent how you want to but personally I felt more human when I stopped breast feeding and gave formula (don’t want to hear any personal opinion, mental health comes first) as then I didn’t have to be with baby constantly, DP did some night feeds and a few times my DS went to one of our parents for half a day or so so we could sleep and catch up on house work. I finally slept more than 1.5 hours in a row and I started to feel a lot better. Also the first 6 months or so are the hardest. Soon DD will fall into 2 and then 1 regular naps a day and you’ll realise what the good times are for her and everything will settle down. It does get better I promise xx