Relationship with DH after baby

[froulala]

Tell me at least some of this is hormones talking!

DH and I have been together almost 15 years and had our first DD a few months ago. He is absolutely besotted with DD and it is genuinely wonderful to see. He was really upset to go back to work following his paternity leave (although we do have some SPL coming up later) so I've been trying to do what I can to try to counteract that - picking up the housework so that his free time is just with DD, bringing her to him for a quick cuddle if he's WFH and she's particularly smiley, etc. I think there is also some guilt on my side as I only get SMP so at some point DH is probably going to have to pick up more of our bills.

So far so good in that they have a great bond. But I feel like somewhere along the way I've lost myself a bit and what I mean to DH. I'm often struggling to wash/dress properly, get out of the house (DD is EBF and often feeding every 1.5 hours or less, even in the night), my face looks really drawn, I'm losing my hair. I'm tired and so sometimes don't have the same energy with DD as he does, which I think he judges me for. On several occasions when it's been a bit of a difficult day and I'm a bit frustrated/quiet he's told me he'd swap places with me in a heartbeat?

Will some of this just take time to settle? I just feel a bit like at the moment I'm not quite sure what I am to him. I could perhaps have more energy/time if I did less around the house but he's been clear before that he sees housework as part of maternity or paternity leave.

Sorry for the rambling - thanks for any thoughts!

Maternity is not for housework. If you can manage some, fab. But it’s NOT NOT NOT your responsibility, that is a boundary that needs to be set firmly and immediately. You are going to burn out!
welcome to the ‘roommate’ phase of your marriage, it’s tough but it does end, eventually. You lose something individually and something gets lost between you both too but it’s temporary. Stay kind to eachother.
Also, be kind to yourself! Your baby is a few months old! How would you have energy for anything at the moment, especially as you are EBF!

Give yourself time mama and be gentle on yourself. Your whole world has just been topped upside down, having your first means a lot of adjustment.

You're working too being a breastfeeding mum. Carry on EBF and enjoy every moment. Do not take on more than 50% of household and life admin and probably less.
Demand your husband steps up for the rest. He can change nappies and play to enjoy your child.
Focus on replenishing your nutrients and sleeping during the day.
Get a cleaner if necessary.

Think of your life as a ruler, every notch is a year. The amount of time your life will be like this (no time to shower, bf'ing constantly, messy house, not eating proper meals) is tiny. Not even a full notch. You will have the rest of your life to have a tidy house, be on top of things, look out together etc etc. All you need to do right now is feed your baby, rest when you can, ask for help when you need it, settle into your new life as a mother. It is hard and takes a long time to adjust. It's a cliche but it is true - the days are long but the years are short.

This is such a tiny amount of time and you won't get it back. I don't mean 'enjoy every second' (which is impossible), I mean more that I found it comforting thought to hold onto when you're dog tired and feel completely at the end of your rope!

You've just been through the biggest bodily changes anyone can go through. Be gentle with yourself! It'll take at least 18m for your body to go back to 'normal', esp if you're breastfeeding (although it will be a new normal). Let go of any expectations, all in good time.

Oh, and tell your husband to cut you some slack.

Your feelings are normal. After having my DD I definitely lost myself but I only realised this months later.

However my focus was on the baby and I think that is what both of your focus should be on. You are adjusting to a new role, and as women we go through all of the physical changes - which often feels strange. Men do not. I remember being envious of my other half because he was getting into parenting whilst I felt like a complete mess!

He is probably aware that you are exhausted. Do not give yourself high expectations. Take it a day at a time. You are still the same woman he married. The scenario feels a little different and it just needs getting used to.

Maybe talk about it together when you have down time so that he knows how you feel.

Housework isn’t part of maternity. Your husband is being ridiculous.

Early maternity is as much about recovery as it is feeding and caring for the baby. Especially as you are ebf.

breast pumps can help!

i have a 2 weeks old baby who is welded to my chest - i can only put her down in her cot when she is in deepest sleep...and then only for an hour if im lucky :P

i started pumping milk so that my husband can feed her too without using formula. im happy because it gives me extra 15min nap (i have to breastfeed her anyway for her to settle), husband is happy because he gets to take care of her, and baby...well, baby is not happy but she will eat at least a little

you do need to sleep though - everything will be easier if you prioritise sleep

OP, don't feel pressured to bottle/combi feed if it's not for you. It's great that you're breastfeeding and changing that isn't the answer.

Your DH needs to appreciate how much you're doing and have some empathy. He will never understand what it is to be feeding a baby round the clock, and he doesn't need to - he just needs to be understanding and appreciative of the amazing thing you're doing for his baby.

Your DH should be able to look at you and see how exhausted you are. Not because you look awful, but because he should see all you're doing. I think you need to explain to him how all-consuming this is.

Echoing a PP, now is the time to set up a joint account. You are a team working together for the good of your family, there's no 'your' money and 'my' money. You shouldn't be in a position where you have to ask for money from him, this is a dangerous road that can lead to controlling behaviour and financial abuse.
By all means maintain separate accounts also, and have individual allocations of 'fun money'. But I would highly recommend all bills, joint expenses (food, car, insurance etc.) and things for your child need to come from the joint account, so you are both in control of all your family finances.

Also, maternity leave is not for housework! You are doing an amazing thing EBF - that alone is a full time job. He should be stepping up to take the load off you, and making sure you have time to take care of yourself.

Oh OP, I hear you. I look back at my prepregancy self and think what a boss she was. I'm still working on getting back mentally and physically. It's getting there.

Like you, I ebf and did all the night wakings, and continued to pay my share of the bills. The difference is, I was generously paid on mat leave. Furthermore, my DH would have given me money or bought me things without question if needed - I'm the woman who just made him a dad! He was extremely grateful

Also, however tired and worn down I was, if he'd been making unhelpful comments about my housework he would have been told to get to fuck (and I'm not normally sweary) because he's not my boss.

Find your fire mama. You made, and are continuing to nourish his child. You deserve respect, hair falling out or not. You are doing so well!

Yes! It’s really easy to accidentally split things like “he pays the mortgage and I pay the nursery bill, it works out the same”. And maybe this won’t have a financial impact or affect your share of a property, but it does skew things towards you being “in charge” of childcare. (Which is also 10x more admin than a mortgage direct debit.) Then you spend the child benefit on clothes because it makes sense, but they also need wet weather gear, sunhats, balance bikes, shoes, etc etc, and all the ad hoc expenses add up. (And shopping around to buy second hand is more time consuming than shopping around for annual house insurance or whatever.) Joint account and all joint expenses.

I think lots of us fall into the trap of funding our pregnancies and maternity because it’s so personal and lines get blurred – maternity clothes for changing bodies, nursing bras, breast pads, ginormous M&S knickers for the blancmange bottom postpartum era, the pregnancy pillow, vitamins, maternity pads, Lansinoh… all the paraphernalia you might need to make and feed a baby, but also doubles as your wardrobe and toiletries. Cake and coffee when out with NCT pals so you don’t go bonkers, soft play sessions once the baby’s cruising, swimming or sing and sign or whatever class you do to kill the looong days once the “sleeping on you” era passes – all those are shared expenses. I know not everyone agrees with me on this but I think it’s here that the financial rot often sets in.

You are being too nice to your h at your expense. He should be contributing to all housework and cooking etc when he's not working. You should not be doing it all.

And he should be taking the baby to give you a lie in one day each weekend.

Take care of yourself. He should be taking care of you too.

Hi OP. I am a lawyer and married to a lawyer. It’s longgg hours, stressful. But it is WAY easier than looking after a baby!

My DH totally understands that the physical toll of growing, birthing, feeding and maintaining a baby is BRUTAL. He does NOT expect me to do anything but focus on the baby and not having a meltdown…! DH works 10+ hour days and then comes home and helps with housework. He is grateful for anything I manage to get done and understands sometimes I am literally stuck under a sleeping baby all day (lest the baby scream for hours!). When I’m not, I’m utterly physically spent.

He gets to sit alone in a chair, think about interesting things, solve problems that he knows how to solve, eat his lunch in peace, and have adult conversations. What. A. Dream.

I am running an exponential learning-as-I-go gauntlet with NO breaks, and a totally smashed up body (my pelvis and back are in tatters from pregnancy!).

Men forget that they have no idea what the physical experience is like, their experience of “tired” just can’t come close to ours as our bodies have literally grown a whole new human and is now sustaining it 24/7.

Please tell him to pull his weight!!

and tell him to pay your pension contributions too 👍

I only get SMP so at some point DH is probably going to have to pick up more of our bills.

How much is he paying now? All money should go into one pot then you take what you need or for bills. You should have equal spending money. I hope this is the case for you.

Breastfeeding can really deplete you; consider taking a breastfeeding supplement that will top up your essential vitamins and iron.

Looking perfect is not mandatory- how many of us do? But basic hygiene is. You need ti be showering every day, cleaning teeth and running a brush through your hair at least. Everyone has time for that.

Your finances need seriously sorting. You’re a family now. All income should be shared and you should have the same spending money. Anything less is either financially abusive or due to lack of understanding.

You should absolutely not be doing any housework.

If you had to employ someone to do your workload with the baby you'd need two people at this age - a night nanny and a day nanny. They also wouldn't do housework on top of what you're doing.

So you're doing two full time jobs plus all the housework. Of course you're tired!

Can you alternate nights so he bottle feeda and looks after her one night, you do the other? Then at least you're both doing x1.5 jobs rather than you basically doing two and him doing one.

I'm sorry but housework is not part of paternity/maternity I'm not saying it shouldn't be done but it's not the priority and he should be sharing the load with it too, you do seem like you're likely exhausted having a baby especially the first baby is a shock to the system it's incredible but you do kinda lose yourself and might need some time to find the new you just hang in there and try and do something just for every so often x

Sorry you’re finding it hard. The early weeks and months are like no other, but I’m just coming in to reassure you it will get easier OP. My DS was EBF and those first few months it was all consuming. Our house didn’t get cleaned properly for forever. Aside from occasional
bleach down the loo and worktops wiped, we were simply too busy. But things hve definitely settled down and were much more like our old selves again. We’ve also been together 15 years.
The split finances thing is tricky. I would suggest having a joint account for bills and everyday family spending so you don’t need to ask for money. I was also on SMP for most at I couldn’t contribute 50/50 to the bills but DS was very understanding. Money was tight but by having open conversations about expectations we managed.
In terms of expectations - I think you should speak to your DH about how you really feel. How it’s hard and you’re craving time to shower, or having a nap, having a coffee. As a ebfing mum those opportunities can be really hard to come by. You should be able to prioritise making yourself feel nice over doing chores. Stop putting DHs feelings first and see if you can come at things more as a duo. He gets cuddles while you get a shower. Baby won’t always feed so much - it does get easier I promise. Hang on in there, you’re doing an amazing job x

He would swap places in a heartbeat for the fun times, the snuggles the cooing etc etc. He would soon realise that is not a 24/7 reality by far!!! Ebf is exhausting in itself and takes so much of your time and energy both emotional and physically. Would expressing take some pressure off you? Yes he will have to step up and pay more of the bills, you're basically doing a 24/7 job for peanuts on SMP!
As a mum it's amazing what you can achieve in the time baby has a nap haha but it should not be an expectation that falls on you. It's not like you get a designated lunch hour to do things!!!
As a side note ... Men .... Can't live with them and can't shoot the bastards 😂

You need to explain it's 24/7 and it's exhausting. It's impacting on your mental health and physically and you need more support.
On a evening /weekend it needs to be 50/50. You also both need down time so let him get up with dd and have a lie in or go for a walk.

OP you sound exhausted.

Everything you’re describing about how you’re feeling is totally normal. Did you know that it’s commonly believed that it takes a woman’s body as long as two YEARS to fully recover from the physical strain of pregnancy and childbirth? And I think recent research has said that it could be as much as seven years? Your body has done an incredible thing and you’re continuing to do an incredible thing with EBF (BF never worked for us and I’m in awe of you EBF ladies for what it must take out of you!) but just because we’re built to do it doesn’t mean it doesn’t take a massive physical toll on our bodies.

And yet we’re expected to just bounce back by society within weeks and I think you have to take that expectation and Chuck it away. For me, I’d say it took 6 months for me to begin to feel even part way human again and up to a year to feel like I was heading back to my old self. I’m now almost 4 years PP (albeit about to pop any day with baby number 2!) and I can safely say I’m definitely me again and life has settled enormously. DS is his own independent little person with a gorgeous personality and my little best friend. These days of contact naps and 45 min feeds feel like a dark tunnel right now but I promise you there is a light at the end and it comes around quicker than you think!

But in the meantime, I think you and DH need to have a chat about expectations. Housework on maternity leave is NOT a priority. Keeping baby fed and happy and keeping you sane and looked after is top priority. Any housework is a bonus.

maybe see if DH can take a few days off but instead of him just getting to fawn over the baby, put him in sole charge. Ask him to handle both baby and donestic chores and see how he gets on! I’ll bet his attitude changes PDQ!!

also both of you slacken your housework expectations. Im like you - I hate coming down to a chaotic house in the morning but the first year of parenting in particular is just survival mode and some days you have to accept that you are clean, or your baby is clean or the house is clean and only one can have a turn that week!

in terms of relationship - the baby years are relationship testing for SURE. But you sound genuinely happy together and your DH while he has some potentially controversial views on housework etc during maternity he sounds a good father. Keep communication lines painfully open - even if it means having the odd argument. We found that the more we talked about issues, even when we didn’t agree, the closer we felt. You’ll find your way back to each other once these first few bunker months are over.

lastly you sound stressed about finances. I think my DH and I are in the minority - since we’ve been married all our finances have been joint. Sometimes he’s earned more, sometimes I have. I currently earn almost double but through it all our finances go into one joint account straight from our employers. He buys what he wants, I buy what I want and all our bills come out.

Youre a family and you now need things for your kids so joint finances might be less of a headache for you - but that’s a deeply personal choice. But it may be worth opening a discussion to a more joint approach.

I hate to say a cliche but hang in there - you are really in the newborn trenches still. Save this post and come back in 6 months time and life will look so different for you I promise

https://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Mothers-Do-Especially-Nothing/dp/B0BFBN8JQV/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1NE3D39D0C76Q&keywords=what+mothers+do+especially+when+it+looks+like+nothing&qid=1697873931&sprefix=What+mother%2Caps%2C78&sr=8-1

Read this book. Get your husband to read this book. Then put your feet up and cuddle and feed your baby. And don’t stop breastfeeding unless you want to.