Relationship with DH after baby

[froulala]

Tell me at least some of this is hormones talking!

DH and I have been together almost 15 years and had our first DD a few months ago. He is absolutely besotted with DD and it is genuinely wonderful to see. He was really upset to go back to work following his paternity leave (although we do have some SPL coming up later) so I've been trying to do what I can to try to counteract that - picking up the housework so that his free time is just with DD, bringing her to him for a quick cuddle if he's WFH and she's particularly smiley, etc. I think there is also some guilt on my side as I only get SMP so at some point DH is probably going to have to pick up more of our bills.

So far so good in that they have a great bond. But I feel like somewhere along the way I've lost myself a bit and what I mean to DH. I'm often struggling to wash/dress properly, get out of the house (DD is EBF and often feeding every 1.5 hours or less, even in the night), my face looks really drawn, I'm losing my hair. I'm tired and so sometimes don't have the same energy with DD as he does, which I think he judges me for. On several occasions when it's been a bit of a difficult day and I'm a bit frustrated/quiet he's told me he'd swap places with me in a heartbeat?

Will some of this just take time to settle? I just feel a bit like at the moment I'm not quite sure what I am to him. I could perhaps have more energy/time if I did less around the house but he's been clear before that he sees housework as part of maternity or paternity leave.

Sorry for the rambling - thanks for any thoughts!

Sorry, OP, but the dynamic between you and your DH sounds quite unhealthy and not a good foundation to be bringing up children in as it stands. I think it would be a good idea to have some meaningful conversations to set expectations going forwards.

Me and DH also keep our finances completely separate, but there has never been a time where we don’t view all the money as our money. He also took up a huge chunk of the housework without even a discussion.

As I’m writing this I’m sort of struggling to come up with solutions as I think it’s so wrong that your husband has these opinions, and on top of that you sound almost a bit nervous of him and his expectations. He’s going to have to adjust a lot of his thinking and I really hope he’s willing to.

Household chores is not part of maternity leave. Maternity leave is for recovering from pregnancy and childbirth, and bonding with your baby.

get out of the house more and go to baby groups. Make some mum friends , go for walks and be out in nature. This will make you feel 1000% better and the fresh air will make baby sleep better.

when you’re out of the house, your also making less mess. Just make sure you load up the pushchair with everything you need.

when you’ve looked after yourself , baby , and had some time out of the house- throw in a load or two of washing, or do the dishes, but housework should be 50/50, particularly when you’re literally feeding a human being from your body.

mine is 4 now, and I look back at maternity leave and wish I hadn’t done so much cleaning and got out more and just enjoyed my baby. I spent a lot of time arguing with my now ex husband and resent that he didn’t get how hard being a first time mum was. The thing is, I don’t really think fathers really get it, and how could they? I didn’t before I was a mum . I wish I had given up trying to convince him how tired I was and how much more help I needed. When I did less housework, and the place was a tip, he eventually had to muck in anyway.

also, your kid isn’t going to look back at their childhood and say ‘omg, the house was such a mess’

Yes this stood out to me as well. It looks fair and considerate and may be entirely innocent, but I'm concerned that he, despite being married, still views your relationship as very much him and you, rather than 'us'.

There are some women on here that years down the line (when they're now working part time or have no work), feel like they have to pre-agree and ask their partner permission for everything spent, despite the fact that they have children together.

It then becomes a situation where the man feels like he's in control, she ask to ask permission for everything and he 'permits it'.

Not saying this is you right now, but please be mindful of it.

You sound like my kind of person. Let me know if you're ever in Snowdonia and you fancy a coffee.

I hate this assumption that mum on maternity leave should take on all the housework! I made it clear to my DP that my “job” is childcare and if I get chores done too it’s a bonus, not an expectation. My baby is a contact napper, doesn’t matter what I do, she wakes after 10 mins in the crib, so I don’t have 1-2 hour gaps in my day to get on with housework.
Also want to say massive well done for EBFing OP! I’m sure it’s well meant by other posters but I found it quite disheartening when people told me to just try bottle feeding if I complained of struggling with the night feeds. It’s something to be cheered on and celebrated so well done you!

He’s being really unfair to you. Silencing an exhausted woman who hasn’t had more than 90 mins of sleep in one go for months with ‘I’d swap places in a heartbeat’ is not nice.

Especially not when you’ve been sheltering him from the reality of infant care. Stop doing that. Stop letting him have nice, easy cuddles with a happy baby while you do the housework. Let him pace around at 3am trying to get the baby back to sleep after you’ve fed her. Give him the baby and go out - with the expectation that you come back to a clean house, dinner and him looking joyful about his day of juggling everything.

he would absolutely not swap places if he knew what it meant

EBF leaves you sleep deprived and literally sucks up all nutritions - how and when are you supposed to do housework?

What on earth. It seems bizarre to me you could be together for so long and not realise that your DH is a bit of a prick.

This in particular 'I think there is also some guilt on my side as I only get SMP so at some point DH is probably going to have to pick up more of our bills.' - what does this even mean! You agreed to have a kid so your finances should be joint, so you both have less money, he's not picking up anything. Does he make you feel guilty? This honestly never entered my mind - only that we would have less as a family, not that there was a 'yours' and 'mine'

Having a baby is a full time job and absolutely it will be like this for the first few years. Dads get an incredibly easy ride comparatively - you are recovering from a major experience, but you have a baby to care for so no time to fully recover, your hair falls out due to hormones, your hormones will be up and down anyway, breastfeeding is hard to get used to initially. Honestly give yourself a break.

A practical tip - maybe express some milk and get your husband to do the night feeds in non-work nights? Introducing a bottle I found was key to getting a break longer term

I think a lot of men see their wife at home and think they suddenly have a stay at home wife.

You're not a stay at home wife you're a new mother on maternity leave. You're not on maternity leave to look after him, you're on maternity leave to recover from the birth and look after your baby.

Quick note on the breastfeeding with a partner you suspect isn’t going to be leaping out of bed at night to feed baby once they are a few nights deep. If you get baby on the bottle, then hubby has an “important meeting”, “big presentation” etc at work he is not getting up at night to help & all of a sudden you are in a cold kitchen at night with a screaming baby waiting desperately for a kettle to boil, rather than in your sweet comfy bed. (Been there sister). If you enjoy nursing, I would recommend finding out if there are any local breastfeeding groups to you & get tips from other mums on getting baby to feed when you are both lying down. This opens a whole new window of sleep. Also feeding when in a sling (means you can actually finish a job rather than being halfway through something when baby decides they need you). With a bit more sleep & a bit more control you will soon feel a bit more “you” again.

This 100%. I expressed the good stuff (the colostrum) for the first day or two then exclusively bottle fed. My children thrived compared to BF friends children. My husband did the night feeds at weekends and when he was home, I did it when he was working.

I had friends at the time who exclusively BF and they struggled, it was very very hard for them.

Only BF if you really want too as there are very good alternatives out there. A happy mummy is so very important.

Be gentle with yourself.

A thousand times this! Excellent point on BF. It can me much easier in some respects. Bottle feeding, although a perfectly valid option isn't a panacea

he's told me he'd swap places with me in a heartbeat?

This would get my back up. He means he’d like to stay home that day. He hasn’t thought through what “swapping places” with you would really mean.

I’d be quite scathing towards these types of comments, personally.

He can’t swap places as he hasn’t gone through the pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and huge amount of physical and emotional changes that your body has undergone in order to create and nurture his beloved DD.

Yes it's normal to feel that way. It does get a lot easier after weaning from BF. Something to look forward to when you or baby is ready. DH has no idea what he's taking about- gladly trade places! 🤣 Men have no clue. He's out of line for that. I don't think he's appreciating how hard you are trying and what it really takes to grow a child, birth it, then keep it alive after. Just the physical toll alone! It's the tale as old as time. You'll feel better soon as you figure things out. I'd prioritize the talk about money, I think that's an easy thing to take off your plate.

Why do these thread so often turn into anti-breastfeeding/get them on a bottle things?

The problem isn’t that the OP is breastfeeding. It’s that her husband has a shitty attitude.

Well you'd swap places with him and have a full night sleep! He has no idea how all consuming and demanding a small EBF baby is. You're doing brilliantly. I loved EBFing three children and all I had was emotional and practical support from DH.
To get a little longer time for self care, start trying to extend the time between feeds- even by 10mins. That will also mean milk is slightly more abundant and should fill
Baby a little longer before the next feed. Well done and take care.

I agree with all the comments that maternity leave is for looking after the baby, not housework! The only thing I made sure to do was laundry, as I seemed to be doing a load a day, but the rest was only done if possible - when the baby was napping, if I had a choice between housework or sitting down with a cup of tea, I’d usually chose the latter!

I also agree with the comments about finances as you’re now in an unequal setting (I’m guessing that previously you earned a similar amount and it wasn’t an issue). Don’t fall into the trap of paying for all the child-related costs yourself. A joint account for all household/ child costs and equal amounts of spending money is the fairest way to arrange things.

It also sounds like you’re bringing the baby to your DH for the nice bits - the cute smile etc. Why aren’t you getting him to deal with the less nice bits? I used to hand DD over to DH when he got home from work and retreat to the kitchen to cook dinner in peace. I got a break from the baby, he got to spend time with her.

Lastly, you mention that he’s going to take Shared Parental Leave later on. My DH did this, and while he was a very involved parent from the start, I don’t think he really got what it was like until he had those couple of months at home with DD. Suspect your DH will be in for a shock when he has his time at home!

@EllieQ Haha, yes – my DP had some idea of the work because DD was such a colicky little bellend in the early months, but then she stopped screaming and I think he thought that was it, sorted. Then we swapped at nine months – except I was still doing night feeds and the morning/bedtime feeds and on demand because I WFH, so he didn’t even have the whole job – and he didn’t even make it through ONE day before he stuck the TV on and plonked her in front of Peppa Pig, declaring himself done in. At 3pm. She’d never had TV before! We had words.

‘He’s been clear?’ Why does he get to decide?

you sound like you are deprioritising yourself during this time when you, who just had a baby, are the one who needs support. Is there a voice in your head telling you to do that? Whose voice is it?

he's been clear before that he sees housework as part of maternity or paternity leave

Wow!!
sure when I was on mat leave I did housework but it wasn’t expected from me. There was days when I was exhausted and I barely made the bed, let alone anything else. My Dh’s take on it? He told me to rest, that was more important.

We did combination feeding. DH would sometimes feed in the night although I thought it was best if I did as I could have a quiet day and he had to work.

I felt like doing bottle and breast was the best of both worlds for us. DS seemed more satisfied and content, which was an issue for us , but as a couple I still enjoyed the bond of breast feeding and I enjoyed being able to do what I wanted while DH took over feeding duties.
Re: bottle feeding - I don't think it's for us at the moment. I've pumped on the odd occasion to get DD used to taking a bottle, but as she's still feeding so frequently (and contact napping) it ended up more work to try to fit a pumping session between feeds! Definitely open to it as things space out a bit, though, and DH is keen too. This is what I meant by DS being more content after we switched to combination feeding. DS was never off me and I was exhausted with constant feeding. I know all babies are different and have different feeding patterns but it was a game changer for us. I didn’t express though, our combo was breast and formula.

OP - you are married - so it shouldn’t be the case of ‘how much money you need from him!

Its one thing when you are students, dating or newly married. But even then - the point of marriage is to create more of a joint entity.

This is exactly right. You are flogging yourself and he plays with the baby at the same time telling you you can have money but you are expected to do the housework? What the hell?

Can he take a day off and shadow you to see what you do all day? Like how long breastfeeding takes and how often the baby cries and all the nappies and if naps are contact naps and all the rest of it? surely he can see that on his days off?

I'm sorry op but your DH is not as nice as you think.

Op, I think you need to understand that anyone who dismisses their alleged loved ones exhaustion by saying they'd swap places, rather than 'what can I do to help', is a very selfish person.
And worse, you've taken his horrible comment to think that you are the one who needs to step up. No, no, no. All kinds of wrong.

This is perfectly normal after such a big change in your family dynamic. You’ve spent all these years being just the 2 of you & now suddenly there’s 3, it’s a huuuuge transition. All I can say is don’t be too hard on yourself, housework can wait on some days, you’re bound to be exhausted looking after a small human who is dependent on you 24/7. If you’re not keen on giving formula, express the odd bottle so hubby can feed baby now & again, take a few minutes just to shower/brush your hair/put some lipstick on occasionally. Believe me this stage will pass so quickly, you’ll blink & miss it. You’re still very hormonal, exhausted & trying to navigate new territory along with still being in the new baby bubble. Hubby adores you even more now than he did before, don’t stress yourself xx

It's true, you are reborn a different person.
To bring up your child and support them you ' get in their bubble' That's how it is , your family dynamic has changed and you are all not the same as before. You have to go with it- you cannot go back; it's a huge gigantic transformation . And I felt better after a second child to give the first a playmate.
The Emotions, The Mother Guilt about everything never goes. It's a Roller Coaster.
There's millions of books on every parenting stage.
As they get older and hit teens and become good company ; they suddenly don't need your company. Then just as suddenly they're Fully Grown and out The Door. Leaving you wondering : " What just happened. "

I think the posters suggesting you stop breast feeding need to quit it - it’s a personal decision and you CAN moan about being exhausting without wanting to stop. Come up with other advice rather than the cliche of “give a bottle”

OP - your husband does not sound supportive. NEVER, EVER feel guilty about him paying more of the bills etc when you’re on maternity leave or doing most of the child care. Jesus how did we get here? Women carrying and giving birth and then feeling bad because their husbands have to part with their cash?

spend less time worrying about your husband and the bond he has with the baby and spend more time focusing on yourself and the baby. That’s not saying stop all effort with your marriage but right now, you and the baby are priority and it should also be the same for him.

Haha! Im
nearly 6yrs pp and look like crap most of the time 😂😂