Just tell me - is that rude?

[UnevenBalance]

Trying to make it clear and fair.
DH has the habit of telling me stuff in passing, sometimes a couple if weeks ahead. Like ‘I’m meeting so and so in the office next week’ (he is wfh full time).
He then never ‘reminds’ me or talk about it anymore until the day is coming.
This morning I got up and he wasn’t there. I thought he had gone for a quick walk - pretty normal to him.
9.00am came and still not there… I then realised his car wasn’t there, nor was his laptop. So yep gone to the office.
Ive asked him MANY times to write that stuff on our calendar. But he still hasn’t done it. He has since exchanged many messages on WhatsApp with our dcs (at Uni) but hasn’t thought he could send me a message to let me know.
I find it rude to say the least but it has become so ‘normal’ I’m starting to wonder if I’m asking too much.
It’s not just about him going to the office either. We’ve had the same issue with what he is doing at the weekend (seeing his parents, hobbies etc….).

Next time he tells you something like this, ask him to put it in writing.

Have a wall calendar.
As soon as he tells you something of this kind, say - wait! - then take the wall calendar down and stand over him while it's written down.

I have!!
Many many times.
It’s an ongoing issue that just seems to be getting worse. (That’s one reason why we have that wall calendar).
I can’t be behind him reminding him every time he needs to write it down. He is 50+yo. Not a child !

The wall calendar has been in use for about 15 years.

It’s not new.
And not writing stuff down has caused issues before.

I’m being Devil’s advocate here:

Is it not possible for you to write it down & transfer it to your diaries if it concerns you so much that he’s gone to the office?

Does him being in the office on a working day impact the family routine too much? Can you pick your battles over that one?
Can you tuck his lack of reminder up your sleeve and tit for tat sometime to “teach him a lesson?”

The weekend lack of information is probably a step too far. That needs a bit of work to get him to communicate better and would drive me nuts. It’s so disrespectful.

Agree with @Oldthyme If it's that's nb to you to remember what day he's in the office, write it down yourself

But it does seem a little odd he didn't mention it at all yesterday. Did you chat during the day? Have dinner together last night?

Why shouldn't a man go to his office on a weekday? The children have left home, what difference does it make? Is he your carer or something?

Surely if you want him around on a particular day, it's on you to remember or write it down?
I don't need to write down every day I'm away with work for my wife - I tell her, and if it's important or will affect plans it's written down.

@Oldthyme i think I’m furious this morning BECAUSE it’s just one more time when he didn’t communicate. It’s all the other times too.

But on the top if it, he didn’t even think of letting me know/saying hello in a text. Nothing.
In a case like this, I’d have left a message on the kitchen table. ‘I’ll be in the office day. See you tonight! :)’

@AreWeThereYet69 youd think he’d have plenty of opportunities yesterday yes.… and yes his ‘communication skills’ are atrocious so even though we were both at home yesterday, ate together etc et … at no point did he mention it.

Yes, I completely agree with you about how irritating this is. DH would casually say to me something like, "I'm going to meet Pete to see that band on [date three weeks ahead]". I'd be "sure, that sounds great". But somehow, it was then IMMEDIATELY my responsibility to a) remember this and/or write it down and b) accommodate any additional plans that might need to be made such as lifts for the DC etc.

He has got better about writing it down himself - we basically just both use google calendars that are shred so he can see what's in mine and I can see what's in his.

we're still working on him thinking about the knock on effects. eg a few weeks ago when he wanted to do something but then there would be no one to sort DS out for rugby. Dh clearly thought that I would sort it out. I was tempted to just ignore it but I caved a bit and said, "if you want to do that, that's fine, but then YOU have to sort out DS." Miraculously, he was able to find another parent who would give DS a lift.

I don't think it's necessarily rude as such, it does show that there's fairly little day to day communication going on between you, and you've possibly started to live quite seperate lives without realising it.

@GingerIsBest thanks.
You’ve explained how I feel much better than I did.

I don’t want that responsibility. I’m not his mum.

It's because he thinks you're trying to control him. I have the same issue.
It's not about control it's about planning!

It's not rude.
Your reaction is that it's rude and onus on him to remind me, my reaction would be am I losing my memory? Why didn't I remember this? I really should put it in the calendar since my memory isn't great.

Honestly, I'm not sure - if we didn't have young dc to sort care for - that I'd be telling dh when I was going into the office either. Unless he was meant to be home to sort out the plumber coming or needed to be in to receive a delivery or was meant to drive you somewhere, but he forgot and left you home. As long as he is present for his joint commitments, then I think it's normal to go about your day as you please, if it's not impacting anyone else.

I wfh and I do need to tell dh when I go into the office because my office is a long ways away and it means he needs to do everything with dc between 6am and 8pm when I'm gone. But I often go to a cafe or somewhere else to work for part of the day, and I don't think I'd really tell him, unless he was there to see me driving up the drive and asked where I was going.

@fairlyfair the thing is, I do remember.

As I said in my OP, DH didn’t say ‘I’ll be in the office on Wednesday’. He said ‘I’m going to see so and so next week to sort out A and B’.

Why is it my responsibility to remember/put it in the calendar including clarifying AND it’s also my responsibility to tell him and put MY stuff on the calendar?

That’s actually an interesting take….
which could well fit the way DH thinks.

I don’t quite understand. If your husband is working from X to Y times then why does it matter where he is?

Yes, I find a lot of men confuse asking for consideration with being controlling.

Part of my efforts to change DH's mindset was making this point - I'm not telling him what he can and can't do, but what he does impacts me in terms of childcare/planning/other activities and so it is considerate to take that into account.

Its the difference between a partner and a flatmate.

@GingerIsBest nor do I…. DH has always been free to do whatever he wants.
But the lack of consideration is grating.

Well, quite.

I often pop into the office at short notice. Why would my DH need to have it written down etc. I'm working and not available wherever I am.

It's slightly odd but I wouldn't get wound up about it. He does tell you, he just doesn't continue to mention it. If it bothered me a lot I would write it down myself when he originally told me.

I would feel differently if there were kids at home to look after BTW, as we all need to help each other a bit more in that situation and him not being around is very important information that you could have easily omitted to note down. Given it's just the two of you, I wouldn't stress about it.

My partner of 8 months has ignored me since I returned from a 10 day holiday away with mt 3 children n little brother. We spoke 3 or 4 tines a day while I was away. Both called each other. But when I returned he made a thing of saying he wanted the day to himself without directly saying that. I then just mentioned his lack of affection toward me before I left and now him not wanting to see me was making me a bit anxious. Since then he hasn't replied to any of my messages despite reading them. He hasn't blocked me on anything and still says we're together on fb. What the he'll should I do? It's making me feel so upset and anxious. 😢 😭 💔 I just don't understand.

I think as someone said above it’s a communication issue- we had the same and one day dh said ‘my mum just asked me about your doctor appointment, when were you at the doctor?’ and we realised we’re so busy, literally running everywhere, that we don’t talk any more. One of us would tell the other something and if something didn’t need to be actively done for it, the other would forget or worse we wouldn’t tell the other person at all. If he tells you something in passing, or vice versa, whether it goes on a calendar or not the person should remind the other but the other should also think to say ‘oh you have a thing coming up don’t you? And talk about it. I blame phones and Netflix personally- we spend a half an hour on them at the drop of a hat, but don’t talk to people who are supposed to be important to us anymore! (This is everyone, especially me!)

@Moomamma , I think you need to start your own thread. You’ll get much better answers and support.

If you click on ‘Start a new thread’ at the top, you’ll be able to so.