Just tell me - is that rude?

[UnevenBalance]

Trying to make it clear and fair.
DH has the habit of telling me stuff in passing, sometimes a couple if weeks ahead. Like ‘I’m meeting so and so in the office next week’ (he is wfh full time).
He then never ‘reminds’ me or talk about it anymore until the day is coming.
This morning I got up and he wasn’t there. I thought he had gone for a quick walk - pretty normal to him.
9.00am came and still not there… I then realised his car wasn’t there, nor was his laptop. So yep gone to the office.
Ive asked him MANY times to write that stuff on our calendar. But he still hasn’t done it. He has since exchanged many messages on WhatsApp with our dcs (at Uni) but hasn’t thought he could send me a message to let me know.
I find it rude to say the least but it has become so ‘normal’ I’m starting to wonder if I’m asking too much.
It’s not just about him going to the office either. We’ve had the same issue with what he is doing at the weekend (seeing his parents, hobbies etc….).

No he doesn’t have a calendar of his own. Incl nothing electronic.

How does he remember?
Stuff that is quite far ahead he writes down on our shared wall calendar. (Think specific dates for his hobby that are agreed a year in advance…).
The rest 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ from memory?

If he tells you stuff a couple of weeks ahead, that's him telling you.

He then doesn't remind you, because, should he have to? I was married to someone who's response to me telling him something was invariably "remind me nearer the time".

No. This is me telling you, asking me for a reminder is asking me to do more work, if you need a reminder then remind yourself.

But he didn’t did he?

He told me it would happen this week, not which day.
Just like he has booked for a tradesman to come but didn’t say when.

How is that telling me about it and I’m then supposed to know and remember WHEN it will happen??

Or is that my responsibility to clarify every single thing too? Because? He can’t be arsed to be clear? To give me the full facts?

I’m intrigued that he managed to get up and out without waking you. Do you sleep in separate rooms?

Between DH and me we do share details of who is going to be working where each day as it impacts who drops and collects our son, but on Fridays when I don’t work I don’t always tell him what my plans are (eg getting a haircut or something) and if he’s on a call I won’t say goodbye as I leave.

Also, I would not sleep through him getting up (which is fine, I get up at a similar time or am happy to lie in bed and chat dozily) so he’d tell me then where he was off to.

That said, we do just generally chat about stuff.

On the one hand you seem a bit stubborn in not wanting to write it down somewhere yourself. If he's been like this for years, you clearly are not going to change him. You acknowledge that he does tell you, you know you don't get a reminder near the time, it's how he rolls unfortunately, so refusing to write it down only causes yourself angst on the day.
Is there any chance he convinces you at times that he has told you when he hasn't? That would be gaslighting and is a whole different problem.
On the other hand, it looks like you don't have much meaningful communication in general, are you even affectionate anymore? I'm sensing a lot of disfuncioning practicalities, but not much love and fun together planned now you are DC free. Do you plan things to do together? Go on holidays? Or are you both detached and doing nothing about it.
If nothing else, I'd be writing it down to see if patterns are emerging as if he is detaching from you, he might be attaching to someone else. Have you considered the possibility?

I think it's rude and weird OP. Presumably you ate together last night and spoke at some point .... that's when most people would go "oh I'm in the office tom, did you remember", or even a general "looking forward to going into the office for a change and seeing xyz" .... it's just normal convo between a couple.

I'm lost. He told you. He obviously remembered so he has no issue. You're the one making a fuss so it's on you - if you really need to know he's not WFH, put it in your calendar when he tells you.

Not sure where not being his mother comes in

So when he says,
Love I've booked a plumber to come and fit that outside tap/I've got a meeting in the office next week

What do you say? Do you say nice one, thanks, and presume you don't need to get involved because he's handling it and will give you some more information if you need it?

Or do you say, ah great, thanks, what day and time, I'll write it in my diary?

Or maybe a third option, but I can't think what that might be. Do you ever sit in the same room and have a chat? Or do you just pass each other round the house with him murmuring vague future plans with no detail at you, and you getting steadily more furious at his lack of wall planner compliance?