Just tell me - is that rude?

[UnevenBalance]

Trying to make it clear and fair.
DH has the habit of telling me stuff in passing, sometimes a couple if weeks ahead. Like ‘I’m meeting so and so in the office next week’ (he is wfh full time).
He then never ‘reminds’ me or talk about it anymore until the day is coming.
This morning I got up and he wasn’t there. I thought he had gone for a quick walk - pretty normal to him.
9.00am came and still not there… I then realised his car wasn’t there, nor was his laptop. So yep gone to the office.
Ive asked him MANY times to write that stuff on our calendar. But he still hasn’t done it. He has since exchanged many messages on WhatsApp with our dcs (at Uni) but hasn’t thought he could send me a message to let me know.
I find it rude to say the least but it has become so ‘normal’ I’m starting to wonder if I’m asking too much.
It’s not just about him going to the office either. We’ve had the same issue with what he is doing at the weekend (seeing his parents, hobbies etc….).

I don’t get these answers. He’s telling the op. It’s her job to then remember if she feels it’s important. He is not forgetting. He is not asking her to remind him. He is getting up and doing his stuff.

if he tells you, then write it down if it’s important to you and you will forget/

Simple solution, create a shared calendar and you can both populate it as needed

If it matters to you to know, ask him in the evening.

"Are you in the office or at home this week?"

DH works partly at home, partly at the office. If his whereabouts matter to me on a particular day, I ask. Otherwise, it's no skin off my nose whether he's working upstairs or in the office.

It's not his responsibility to fit in with your way of doing things (everything on a calendar) any more than it's your responsibility to write things down for him. He's happy free-wheeling it, you want to know whern and where. Neither is wrong.

The only bit that would be unreasonable is if he objected to not knowing where you were.

@GingerIsBest - your situation is completely different, though. Obviouslty when you have shared childcare commitments, one partner not being around affects everyone else.

OP's DC are at university, there is no childcare commitment. So whether he's working in an office or at home doesn't impact the OP's commitments.

Honestly if I told my husband I was doing something on x date nd he forgot I’d see it as a him problem. If he then said he was going to make me write it down or stand over me whilst I did, as per some of these suggestions, I’d tell him to jog on.

id fully understand if the op was being asked to remind him, but she’s not. He tells her, that’s all that’s required his side.

I'm with him. He's told you. If you can't remember what's happening when then you need to put it in your own calendar. Take some responsibility.

I'm trying but it won't let me add Subject to the start the thread

I honestly can't see what he's doing wrong. He told u.
And why does it matter anyway your kids are grown up?!

Mine tells me he's gone somewhere when he's half way there. So to have actual advance notice is a luxury!

So I think I’m going to leave it there.

Realising that yes I find it rude but it’s not just this one bit if (non) communication. It’s the lack of communication about the very small stuff and the really big stuff (talking there about huge things that affect both our lives - think a house move or something like this) and anything in between (like weekends)

It also about been taken for granted (same thing was happening when the dcs were still at home).

It feels its one more step towards detachment and living completely and totally separate lives. 🤷‍♀️😢😢

You need to press the blue Start New Thread button at the top. I've taken a screenshot so hopefully you can see it :)

I am sort of on his side in a way - my DH can do the same sometimes, mention he's somewhere on X date, so he has told me - I then forget and wonder where he is! But he's told me, I'm the one who forgot.

We do have a wall calendar too, normally we do it together at the start of the month with things we both want to remember then maybe update it if something huge changes like overnight trips etc.

With things like today where he's gone to the office and said he'd be in the office at some point this week - how exactly does it impact / inconvenience your day? Is it a case of you've got to wait ages to him to be home for tea or something that has a larger impact on you?

From the outside it just reads like you're annoyed with the way he does things (tells you verbally) and want him to do things your way (written down) - which in this situation, why is your way better than his? If it's having a material impact on your life I could perhaps understand but it seems more like a process annoyance than an outcome annoyance?

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I tell my DH to get his secretary to contact my PA and get him to put it in my calendar. (Neither of us has staff, but I can dream. My fictitious PA is a cross between Keanu Reeves and Jason Momoa, btw.)

If he doesn't tell you about big plans, I can understand your frustration. But I don't really understand why someone who works some of the time from the office needs to tell you exactly when he will be doing it, unless there is more to this that you haven't mentioned.

I'm sort of on the other side of this, in that I WFH and DH is semi-retired. We basically work on the understanding that he has to treat this as if I were in the office, i.e. I will work a full day and will not be available to do family/home stuff unless it has been specifically arranged. During my day's work I may have online meetings, I may have meetings out of the office, but I don't put them on any sort of home calendar because it has no impact on anyone else in the family - it's just the same as if I were travelling out to ny employer's offices. I probably let him know at the beginning of the day that I'm going to be out, just so that he knows, but that's as far as it goes.

Why on earth aren’t you using shared digital calendars?

We simply put everything in our iPhones and each of us can see what and when for everything.

Hmm, I’m guilty of this too. We have no DC at home so I WFH/office randomly. Some days I just decide on the morning. Wouldn’t cross my mind to tell DH (who has a similar working arrangement). If I go out after work, I’ll let him know at around 6pm so he knows not to cook or book dinner somewhere.

We have no DC at home so I WFH/office randomly. Some days I just decide on the morning. Wouldn’t cross my mind to tell DH

You just leave for work Wo telling your DH at all of where you’re going?
Or do you tell him when you are on the way out?

I wouldn’t have an issue up DH had told me on the way out OR if he had left me message (as I was still sleeping).
Surely, just going out Wo saying a word is what you do with flatmates in a house-share. Not with your partner?

Lol
1- it still means DH has to put stuff in a calendar
2- dh hates technology

I assume that if he gets up and I’m
not there and my car’s not there, that he knows I’ve gone to work. Sadly, my life is so dull that I’m unlikely to be anywhere else during the week.

But he told you last week. If you need reminders write it down. Or ask him each weekend if/ when he's going on.

My partner doesn't listen to or remember to half of what I say and many things are total surprise. It's probably a bit annoying for both of you tbf, but not worth blowing out of proportion by any means.

Have you tried playing him at his own game?

We just have Google calendars and share them, no drama

OP I get it!

It is rude & it is very inconsiderate!

What you do about it though I'm not sure!

You could start doing exactly the same but then as you said above that is just a step further towards living separate lives!

I'm having abit of a stand off of my own at the moment & it's quite hard to act in a way that goes against the grain!

How does he remember what he's doing? Does he have a diary or calendar of his own?