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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Alcoholic husband. Experience of him being removed from home

102 replies

The6thQueen · 16/10/2023 17:21

We’ve come to the end of a long road. I’m done with him drinking. He’s not aggressive with it (occasionally argumentative with me), but mostly just becomes absent and wanders off, can’t look after the kids, talks crap etc. But he’s not with us, he’s drunk. He’s not part of th family.
It’s not normal drinking, he pours vodka down himself to get drunk, not to socialise or enjoy himself.
My 9 year old, today told me she loves daddy, but doesn’t feel safe with him at home, even thought I’m here. She doesn’t like coming across the empty bottles, she’s sad he ruined her birthday party weekend, she worried he’ll wander into her room in the middle of the night (tbf he’s only done this once, but that’s once too often).
DS broke his foot this weekend. His dad spent Sunday getting drunk in the shed; it had all got on top of him and he needed some space, no, he just wanted to drink.

Im done, our relationship is over. My children come first. But, he’s pissed, an argumentative (if I push him, if I leave him alone he’ll just sleep). He won’t leave. I can, but it means moving two children and two dogs, one child with a broken foot, out of their home. Doable, but even more disruptive to them.

He won’t go. Does anyone have any advice. Will social care be interested, or could I get a protection order? I don’t know if we’d meet the threshold?

Please keep me company and help
me stick with this decision, even when I wobble about doing the right thing.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 17/10/2023 02:13

You need to see a solicitor and file for divorce.

As part of the proceedings, the question of who occupies the house can be established.

mathanxiety · 17/10/2023 02:22

The stints in rehab are recorded. Clearly there was at least one relapse.

Has he ever been pulled over forndrink driving? Been refused service at the pub? Been off work because of a hangover? Any reprimands from work for drink-related poor performance? Has he ever shown up at school drunk? Does the school safeguarding lead have him on their radar?

Can you find receipts from an off license for the booze?

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 17/10/2023 06:55

Brocollimatilda · 16/10/2023 23:29

Sorry have skimmed a bit. You could raise a safeguarding if he is continuously drunk around children. Not sure whether that would help him decide to move out.

Social services won't get involved based on what OP has said and have no powers to get him out of the home. The only way to remove someone from their home is via the courts.

The6thQueen · 17/10/2023 10:05

Had a lovely chat with Early Help. They’ve signposted to some support groups and have referred us the the family hub - they may decide we need more support (or not).

He’s not had a drink since the early hours, so hoping for a more productive talk later today.

I’ll speak to legal advice asap.

I’ve been passed the details of a family friend who has been through similar. I’m going to ring them for a chat either today or tomorrow.

Thank you all for listening and for your words of support, some have made me cry (mostly in a good way!), all have helped.

OP posts:
Sunnyday1203 · 17/10/2023 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

letyouberight · 17/10/2023 13:13

You're doing brilliantly OP Flowers

BMW6 · 17/10/2023 18:01

Wishing you all that you'd wish for yourself OP.
Flowers

gelatogina · 17/10/2023 18:07

best wishes OP, stay strong

MariaVT65 · 17/10/2023 18:25

Very best wishes to you Op, you’re doing amazing. Thank you for putting your kids first in the situation 💐.

Also please withdraw your money if you have a joint account!

Sicario · 17/10/2023 18:43

I divorced an alcoholic. Alcoholics ruin lives. Your only way forward is to commence divorce proceedings. Use a lawyer. Separate your finances immediately. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your children.

Take plenty photos / videos with your smartphone to show him drunk. (Obviously without him knowing.) Also photos of the drink bottles, and any receipts for buying drink. Photos of the trash filled with bottles. (I couldn't get this kind of evidence because for me it was pre-internet so I was very much doing everything in-the-blind with no access to help).

Contact Women's Aid for advice. You might also need to look into The Freedom Programme.

Please don't bother staying home and "helping him to get sober". It's a complete waste of your energy and will only further enable his behaviour.

Work on emotional detachment from him. His sobriety is not your responsibility. You are not his rehab unit.

Think about a future free from alcohol abuse, where your children are able to thrive and learn about healthy relationships and boundaries. They will almost certainly require ongoing counselling to come to terms with the effects of having an alcoholic parent.

If it is your intention to buy him out of the house, then discuss that with your lawyer.

If he won't leave the house, then you either have to force him out through an occupation order, or take the children and leave yourself. If this is what happens, then leave the dogs with him for the time being.

Be prepared for his behaviour to spiral once he realises you have had enough and are calling time on the marriage.

Do let people know what is going on. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy and enabling behaviours. Shining a light onto his behaviour will help you as you deal with this.

Sending solidarity to you.

Sicario · 17/10/2023 18:47

Also if he gets abusive, you can call the police and they will come and remove him from the house. The police will remove him if you feel unsafe. If he is removed by police, you can insist that he is not to return to the family home.

ancientpants · 17/10/2023 20:33

You get him out (lock him out, get his parents involved...) and then you begin divorce/legal proceedings. Every time he tries to come home you call the police. Attila's advice was spot on.

The6thQueen · 17/10/2023 21:43

@ancientpants another one who wants to
stick a boot in. Do you people get some
kind of kick from berating people who are already down?

Ive never said Attila was wrong. Of course I need to address my own role in this. However, this thread is not the time to raise that, or add to my pain, guilt, already traumatic time. I’m not being sensitive and refusing to see what she (and now you) are saying. Just telling you both to sod off with your judgemental bullshit. It’s not useful right now.

I also suggest getting your facts straight before offering advice. He owns half the house, he’s on the deeds. I have no legal right to ‘lock him out’, he could simply call the police and I’d have to let him back in. Im protracted by the same rights.

His parents are worse than useless; they exacerbate the problem and make him
more difficult to deal with. Plus, they’re not
in the country right now, so don’t imagine they’ll be much use. Last time I called
his sisters neither had the time to help, they were too busy with their own families to help.

Have I explained myself to your satisfaction, or do you have any further judgements to make of me? Yes, I’m being sarky and displacing my anger onto you, however at least I have a reason to be a bit rude to a stranger in the internet. What’s your excuse?

OP posts:
Bellringers · 17/10/2023 21:44

Locking him out/changing the locks isn't legal if it's a joint property and they're married. The police can't and won't respond to the OP calling them to stop him getting into a house he's legally entitled to be in. Not unless he's violent/aggressive and even then their powers are limited. The OP can't 'insist' he isn't allowed back to the home he's legally entitled to be in without an occupation order.

Honestly, some of the advice in here is pure fantasy. It's not helpful.

The6thQueen · 17/10/2023 21:45

Sorry for the typos, I’m a little pissed off

OP posts:
keffie12 · 18/10/2023 00:14

The6thQueen · 17/10/2023 21:45

Sorry for the typos, I’m a little pissed off

The majority of us are with you and supporting you. I get it. I've been where you have been. Look after you and your babies. The majority of us are happy to support you. There's always one or two that have to be judgy

SkyFullofStars1975 · 18/10/2023 16:54

You have to do this the slow and legal way, I really wish there was another option. It's incredibly frustrating but you don't want him out and then have to let him back in again, that's far too unfair on you and the DC.

You're doing really well with the contacts you've been making.

mathanxiety · 18/10/2023 17:46

@ancientpants - she cant do any of that.

The6thQueen · 18/10/2023 20:36

He’s sobered up.
I’ve told him we need to divorce. We’ve been looking into practicalities.
I’m absolutely devastated. I know it’s the right thing in my head, I do. But I’m frightened and this hurts so much

OP posts:
Mortgageh · 18/10/2023 20:42

Good luck OP I hope the process is smooth as can be.

Bellringers · 18/10/2023 21:01

I'm sorry OP, no matter how much you know this is the 'right' thing to do it must still be so hard. Thinking of you.

keffie12 · 18/10/2023 23:04

The6thQueen · 18/10/2023 20:36

He’s sobered up.
I’ve told him we need to divorce. We’ve been looking into practicalities.
I’m absolutely devastated. I know it’s the right thing in my head, I do. But I’m frightened and this hurts so much

It will hurt. You are going through what we call "living grief"

It is not what your hopes and dreams were when you married. Grief is very much aligned to fear because you don't know what the future holds.

Try and live in a day at a time as they do in all 12 step programs, including Al-Anon.

When we add yesterday and tomorrow to our thoughts, we break down. It's about living one day at a time. We can do one day. Then we reaffirm the next day to do the same.

I'm glad you have contact with women's aid and doing all the right things.

I wish you and your children well

HJ40 · 18/10/2023 23:14

No helpful advice, but wishing you well.

JFDIYOLO · 19/10/2023 08:35

All the very best to you and your children.

PumkinPetra · 19/10/2023 09:01

what was his reaction?

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