Alcoholic husband. Experience of him being removed from home

[The6thQueen]

We’ve come to the end of a long road. I’m done with him drinking. He’s not aggressive with it (occasionally argumentative with me), but mostly just becomes absent and wanders off, can’t look after the kids, talks crap etc. But he’s not with us, he’s drunk. He’s not part of th family.
It’s not normal drinking, he pours vodka down himself to get drunk, not to socialise or enjoy himself.
My 9 year old, today told me she loves daddy, but doesn’t feel safe with him at home, even thought I’m here. She doesn’t like coming across the empty bottles, she’s sad he ruined her birthday party weekend, she worried he’ll wander into her room in the middle of the night (tbf he’s only done this once, but that’s once too often).
DS broke his foot this weekend. His dad spent Sunday getting drunk in the shed; it had all got on top of him and he needed some space, no, he just wanted to drink.

Im done, our relationship is over. My children come first. But, he’s pissed, an argumentative (if I push him, if I leave him alone he’ll just sleep). He won’t leave. I can, but it means moving two children and two dogs, one child with a broken foot, out of their home. Doable, but even more disruptive to them.

He won’t go. Does anyone have any advice. Will social care be interested, or could I get a protection order? I don’t know if we’d meet the threshold?

Please keep me company and help
me stick with this decision, even when I wobble about doing the right thing.

Sending you massive support. Went through this with my daughter. It's hellish. You, re deffo doing the right thing.

Hi OP hope you're OK. I did the same and he stuck it out till the bitter end, but once the house is sold then there's nothing he can do.
See a solicitor re the division of assets. The parental responsibility is another issue so don't conflate the two. You may need a different solicitor to advise on that.
Good luck

I am not blaming you and am sorry you found some of my previous comment harsh but you needed to read that all the same. You will still need support going forward and so will your child.

Sending support OP ❤

I didn’t need it right in this moment @AttilaTheMeerkat

In a week or two maybe, but right now I didn’t.
You advice wasn’t kind, it was kicking someone who is already down. Maybe think about that before you starting handing out unsolicited advice. I didn’t ask for what you said, it was irrelevant, unhelpful and in fact could have been the cause that stopped me posting and asking for help.

Just because what you’re saying is correct, does not mean you have carte Blanche to say it. Timing is everything and, at that, you failed utterly.

@OhcantthInkofaname I’ve never said the house is more important than my children? I’ve asked for advice to have him removed?

Others told me divorce was the only way. All their advice suggested I had to sell the house to make him leave. I simply asked if I could buy him out.

In my op I state I’ll leave if that’s the only option, but, given the state of my eldest’s health and the general disruption to my children, it would be best if we could stay in our home. But, only if I can remove my husband. If I can’t do that I’ll remove us. I do wish people would read.

Thanks @TortoiseWhoLovesStrawberries , I’ll look into it

I have said I am sorry if you have taken my comments badly, that was never my intention at all.

@AttilaTheMeerkat a sorry with a but in it is not a real sorry.

The word but is only included as part of the sentence, it does not mean that I am not sorry.

Contact women's aid. He may not be physically abusive. However, because of his drinking, you are in abuse. Their website addy is

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Also, Al-Anon, which is for the families of someone whose drinking is affecting their lives whether they live with them or not, or whether the person is alive or not. Addy below.

al-anonuk.org.uk/

This link is below for Al-Ateen, which is the same as Al-Anon. However, for young people.

al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen/

@AttilaTheMeerkat your comments did come across as harsh and judgmental. This is not about OP being over sensitive or needing to hear what you had to say. It was ill judged and unkind. Reflection on your role is for after immediate problems are resolved, not while you are in the thick of it.

I think your priority now as well as the divorce must be making children feel safe. Would DH agree to sleep downstairs on sofa, or could you sleep in your dd room with her to keep her safe from him walking in? Or put chimes on her door so it will wake everyone up if he tries to go in there? Don't let him come to any events with the family unless he has passed a breathalyzer first.

I agree with pp that I would put pressure on his family members to take him in

@AttilaTheMeerkat stop victim blaming and own when you've got it wrong.

The OP doesn't have an addiction, her husband does. You have no idea what steps she has taken so far. For many people in abusive situations - and I count the consequences of addiction within that - the decisions they make are the sensible ones at the time. It's called survival.

OP as others have said, legal advice is key. In the meantime you can't force him to leave, but trying friends or family to convince him/take him in is the only realistic short term measure. Even if he was aggressive the police might ask him to leave for a night but they couldn't prevent him from returning the next day when things were calmer. Same with social services, they can advise but unless there's serious/immediate risk they can't insist.

I moved out to get away from my alcoholic (now exH) with 2 children which was no mean feat.
Mine also refused to leave and used to shut himself in the spare bedroom with gin or vodka mixed with ribera to make it look like a normal drink of squash.

What you are worrying about with the children was my worry too. Infact my ex rarely sees my children now. He has been a car crash since I left, rehab twice, lost many jobs due to his drinking, him and his new partner have both been arrested for DV (but no charges pressed and he says a total over reaction, obvs I take that with a pinch of salt) we had SS contact after the arrest and I told them I am supervising visits at my home, they don't go there on their own any more since he had a funny episode and scared them.
He has made very little effort to see them, which has made that aspect quite alot easier for me, although being a sole single parent can be relentless, especially when you are attempting to deal with divorcing an alcoholic who gets his legal advice from a bloke down the pub mainly. He has ignored many letters trying to divorce and it took much longer than it should have done, although I believe the divorce process can happen quicker now.

All the best, it is a horrendous situation to be dealing with. I would also add, if you can try to excersise and de-stress as much as possible so you stay as healthy as you can. I ended up with breast cancer which I am fairly convinced that the stress caused to me contributed to my diagnosis. Since then I walk and do fitness classes and do feel alot better (although could also be because I am divorced and not living with an alcoholic)

Sorry meant to add that SS were absolutely fine with what I told them and although I said they were welcome to come round etc, they closed the referral down on one phone call to me.

You could buy him out but would you want to stay with the memories of him or make a new start elsewhere? It might be comforting for your kids though, to stay- see what they would prefer. And be ruthless with his stuff, don’t offer to store it or keep it. He either collects it or it goes in a skip. And change the locks!

well done on the decision to go, your kids will be better off and will thank you.

Thanks all. Your kind words mean the world, they really do.

I need to stay this course, to make my children feel safe.

He’s downstairs tonight (after being for a wander). I’m taking tomorrow off work to try to help sober him up. I’m hoping I’ll be able to have a more productive conversation if he’s not drunk. He’s normally good when sober, he can see the harm he’s doing (doesn’t stop him doing it again mind). I’m hoping he’ll see sense and move out, but I just don’t know.

I have a few solicitors and women’s aid details to contact tomorrow.

Both children are asleep. They’re going to school with my dad in the morning. So will be safe and have normality during the day.

If all else fails we’ll move into my mum and dad’s for a while.

I bought my alcoholic ex out, but he in the meantime left willingly as was not happy either, and was accepting of me buying him out. But beware, I've been skint ever since ( as he didn't work again so never paid a penny in maintenance). So if buying out is going to be a stretch, better to sell really. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, wish I'd just sold up. He's died since - sometimes they do it till death.

Whatever I do it’s going to be a stretch. I’m going to struggle to get a mortgage on a 3 bed as nice as this, for as low as the mortgage is now. I certainly won’t be able to rent anywhere for less.
Im at a loss of what to do. This is the cheapest of all the options, short of moving back home. I have two dogs as well as the children; can’t see my parents being happy with that long term.

I have no advice but wanted to say best of luck OP. It must be an absolutely awful situation to be in and I hope everything goes well for you and your children.

Sorry have skimmed a bit. You could raise a safeguarding if he is continuously drunk around children. Not sure whether that would help him decide to move out.

I just want to jump in and say well done, you've done unbelievably well to keep everything going this far and your determination to end this situation now is admirable and inspiring.
I really hope he does the right thing by you all tomorrow and removes himself - it's the only logical thing to do to limit any more fucking damage.
He he working? Is rehab in the realms of possibility as part of the damage limitation moving forward?

Well done OP, you're doing exactly the right thing in this awful situation.

Hopefully both your parents now know the full details of what he's doing.

Does he have siblings? Would his family be able to take some of the weight of this for you, while you focus on the children?

Sending you lots of good wishes OP.

What an amazing Mother you are .