Alcoholic husband. Experience of him being removed from home

[The6thQueen]

We’ve come to the end of a long road. I’m done with him drinking. He’s not aggressive with it (occasionally argumentative with me), but mostly just becomes absent and wanders off, can’t look after the kids, talks crap etc. But he’s not with us, he’s drunk. He’s not part of th family.
It’s not normal drinking, he pours vodka down himself to get drunk, not to socialise or enjoy himself.
My 9 year old, today told me she loves daddy, but doesn’t feel safe with him at home, even thought I’m here. She doesn’t like coming across the empty bottles, she’s sad he ruined her birthday party weekend, she worried he’ll wander into her room in the middle of the night (tbf he’s only done this once, but that’s once too often).
DS broke his foot this weekend. His dad spent Sunday getting drunk in the shed; it had all got on top of him and he needed some space, no, he just wanted to drink.

Im done, our relationship is over. My children come first. But, he’s pissed, an argumentative (if I push him, if I leave him alone he’ll just sleep). He won’t leave. I can, but it means moving two children and two dogs, one child with a broken foot, out of their home. Doable, but even more disruptive to them.

He won’t go. Does anyone have any advice. Will social care be interested, or could I get a protection order? I don’t know if we’d meet the threshold?

Please keep me company and help
me stick with this decision, even when I wobble about doing the right thing.

Do you work for social care @Pinkbonbon, no idea where you get the idea from they’ll think I’m abusive.

I suppose that would be for family court to decide. Chances are your divorce solicitor will be able to advise you better than we could regarding proving him.an unfit father.

But the thing is, either he is a fit father or he isn't.

I suppose you could fight for only supervised access maybe...

How old are your children? If there over 12 then a judge will take their opinion seriously.

I'm not saying they'll think you're abusive.

I'm saying they'll potentially think the household is not appropriate for children.

Please don't think.attila or I are trying to cause you more stress. We are simply telling you of the things that may happen so you don't get shell-shocked when they do.

Thanks @Pinkbonbon, I’ll speak to a solicitor for advice. You’re all right, they’re best placed to advise me

I got supervised access one day every fortnight for my DCs alcoholic father. I didn't really need any proof but I imagine if he has been in rehab then any confirmation of that would be helpful.

Relax, social care won't get involved based on what you've described. He's unpleasant but not (yet) dangerous.

you don't need to contact social care by the way, you need to get into court asap. Apply for a divorce as soon as you can. That's basically the only way to get a non abusive spouse out of the house if they won't go willingly.

It might be that he won't particularly want to insist on lots of contact - it would take away from his drinking time. He might threaten to go after lots of time like 50/50 to try to stop the split, but whether he would in fact pursue that or stick with it seems doubtful.

I would advise speaking to someone regarding access and his safety. If it goes to family court any question about their well-being in his sole supervision will be taken into account, likely supervised access will be required or no overnight stays. If it comes to it, social care will be able to gain access to medical records re incidents like his broken rib etc. In your area it may be called something else, but I would seek support from Early Help.

However, one step at a time. Well done for coming to a decision, which usually is a very long process in itself. Speaking as a daughter of an ex-alcoholic father, your kids will be ok and they will appreciate what you have done for them when they are old enough to understand.

I know, your advice was fine.

Attila’s wasn’t needed/was worded very poorly.

Im very aware of the judgement of others and how my situation might be viewed. I don’t need any piling of guilt.

It was not worded as advice in that way - I was told I needed to be aware of my role in this shitty scenario. Believe me, I’m very aware

And it's not but what do you think social care will do? If they even got involved at all (and I can't see any reason why they would based on the OP) it would go like
SW - this environment is harmful to your children
OP - I agree
SW - have you taken action to remove him from the house?
OP - yes, I'm filing for divorce
SW - good, here is some advice in the event that he gets aggressive (call police etc)
-end-

@Onlywords DS is 13 and DD will be 10 on Saturday

Thank you for being a voice of reason @Bobtheamazinggingerdog. I have enough drama right now, I don’t need any more heightened emotion.

I've been there... he wouldn't leave. I had to get us actually divorced and then sell the house and move into rented accomodation in order to get away. It's horribly abusive, I think, to make your wife and mother of your children to have to leave their home. It was horrible but I am so glad I am done. The house was sold and I've moved on... I hope you do too xx

Do I just file for divorce online, or will I need a solicitor for that?

@Bobtheamazinggingerdog was going to say exactly what you said re social care. They would only get involved if the situation escalated so don't panic about that OP. Early Help are a branch of council/social care for families and they can just do a one off session to help you navigate it all and can liaise with the children's schools if needs be.

You can file for divorce online, right now. Maybe getting the paperwork through the post will help him to raise you are serious and accept the offer of being bought out.

You're doing the right thing. Alcoholics wear you down so badly with their lies, deceit and crap that you can't see the woods for the trees most of the time.

I would take the kids, go to your parents and take steps via a solicitor and SS to get him removed. And contact Al-Anon for support while you're doing it - they were brilliant with my friend when she did exactly what you're doing. She had to leave temporarily but she was able to return to the family home for their well being. Sadly she took too long about it and he was being abusive to them all by the time his disease had progressed - it took him holding a knife to their son's throat for her to be prompted into action.

You can file yourself, yes. I did my divorce myself using the Gov.UK site.

There were no marital assets and my ex was co-operative, so it was simple in my case.

As you have a house etc, when it comes to the financial side you should get legal advice - but don't see any reason you shouldn't get the wheels in motion yourself.

I think you need a lawyer to tell you if his drinking is grounds to have him ordered to leave the house to protect the children from harm. There is a thing called an occupation order for this. His drinking is not safe for the children to have to observe.

Thanks all

I’ve contacted Early Help

Will look into filing for divorce

I would take the kids, go to your parents and take steps via a solicitor and SS to get him removed

it would be good if she could get an occupation order but honestly in my experience the threshold is pretty high and I doubt it will be met here. Also it's not the role of social services to get him removed. They have no powers, it needs to be the court. Don't bother contacting them, it will be a dead end.

The6thQueen check out Wikivorce.

https://divorce.wikivorce.com/

There is a lot of useful information on there. I used it to divorce my husband who was also a drinker. That site saved me a lot of money.

You have 1 child that is afraid of him. That's enough. Your child is more important than a house. You can petition for a divorce and to sell the house.

No advice other than what you are already doing, but sending you support.