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Original poster

Lonely in my marriage

78 replies

247 · 08/03/2008 00:31

Iam so lonely in this marriage, everything is his way, my feelings are so neglected i just feel so so sad i cant stop crying

OP posts:
FAWKEOFF · 08/03/2008 00:34

((((hugs)))) giving a few of these out tonight there are a couple of ladies on here tonight that aren't happy at the moment x

Elephantsbreath · 08/03/2008 00:37

sorry to see this. What the hell's going on?

Original poster
247 · 08/03/2008 00:44

its probably not worth crying over when other people have real problems but it hurts me just the same. DH has bought a property abroad in which to entertain clients on occasion otherwise it is a holiday home for us. I am hurt and feel exzcluded because i was not involved in searching, choosing the property and i just feel like it has nothing to do with me. If he didnt plan on taking clients there occasionally he would not have bought it, hence I feel the way I do. Perhaps this sounds very brattish on my part but when you consider I have no say in what the company spends money on (his own co), therefore OUR money, then yes I feel very much of no consequence

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beaniesteve · 08/03/2008 00:50

Get involved! Try talking to your husband about hoe wou would like to have a role in the holiday home project. Don't try to push ideas at him, but take time to talk to him about how you feel and how you would like to contribute more to the time you can spend as a family in your new holiday home. Instead of feeling put ouot try to channel your energy into being a part of it.

Original poster
247 · 08/03/2008 00:54

not sure how you mean

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beaniesteve · 08/03/2008 00:55

Sorry - I realise reading it back it sounds so patronising.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 08/03/2008 01:01

have you told him how you feel?

Original poster
247 · 08/03/2008 01:04

NO its not patronising, I just dont see how. I can go to the holiday home whenever I want but the fact is I feel like its not really mine. The co (he is the co) is buying it and because I was not involved in the searching and purchase I feel like its not anything to do with me. It will always be his and this cant be right can it. I am a SAHM because he can afford for me to be and it suits me. I feel like I should have been consulted and had some input because whatever the co earns it is OURS, just as if I was working, it would be OUR money. This is where I have a problem. Its like well you dont work so I will make the choices and decisions.

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Original poster
247 · 08/03/2008 01:06

Yes, I told him tonight that I felt excluded but he wasnt really seeing it from my point of view. He ended up saying @yes ok your right it is the company's villa so don't WORRY YOURSELF ABOUT USING IT@ THEN HE WENT TO BED

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egypt · 08/03/2008 07:11

he probably doesnt realise what he's done wrong. to him, he has worked hard, bought a villa, it's a bonus to you that you can use it as a holiday home, as a family and to him, you don't appreciate that.

he probably felt like you'd kicked him in the teeth by telling him he'd upset you.

of course, he HAS to realise that you want to be a part of it, but i think you need to recognise how he feels first, and make sure you explain to him that you are proud of what he has achieved, and you are grateful for what he has done for the family, THEN start to talk about how, next time a decision needs to be made, you would LOVE to be a part of it, as you want to support him etc etc etc....

men need a little pat on the back before a subtle critising!

sorry any guys - MOST men.......
well some...

egypt · 08/03/2008 07:14

can i just clarify, in my first paragraph i meant you don't appreciate that 'in his eyes'. bad grammar

Original poster
247 · 08/03/2008 10:30

Perfectly put egypt. We had another talk (confrontation, attack,debate) this morning with him getting cross and not seeing my point of view. He sees it exactly as you say it. however, it does nothing to make me feel grateful when he cannot, will not even attempt to see it from my point of view. Hes gone out now and feeling like 'why the hell did I bother!' I just dont get it, I am never allowed to feel down or sad or show my true feelings without him having the upperhand and saying I am ungrateful. He is always right, ending most conversations with 'I will never be what you want me to be'. Its like he earns the £ so he will make the decisions. I'm sick of being beholden to him in that sense and even if I did have a job it would be the same because he owns his own co.

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Original poster
247 · 08/03/2008 11:37

OK, so he just came back and said 'dont you want the house' and I said again about feeling left out and yes I do want it, and then he said well why dont you go over soon and choose new tiles, furnishings etc, you are much better than I am at that sort of thing'! So I guess, yet again, I took things the wrong way and yes he did buy it for us but ONLY because he can offset it against company which allows him to buy it in the first place. I obviously need to look and think deeper in future. It would save a lot of heartache for me and for DH.

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alfiesbabe · 08/03/2008 12:21

Classic situation of high powered DH and SAHM wife. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've seen it happen with friends of mine. You describe yourself as lonely and excluded. Stop making his life and his company the centre of your world. You are a grown up too, with a separate existence! I would try to develop your own interests. It wouldnt be the same if you had a job (you seem to think he would still call all the shots because he owns a company). Your own job would give you something that was yours - something to talk to him about, something that made you feel valued outside the wife/mother part of your life. If you dont want to work, then at least develop friendships and interests outside of your DH's company. It might help to be more proactive and get involved with his company too, as another post suggested, but ultimately I think you will always feel that the company is HIS, and therefore you need things in your life which are about YOU

Original poster
247 · 09/03/2008 18:41

alfiesbabe, your post sounds quite rude if you dont mind me saying so. I have plenty of interest actually, along with plenty of friends and things to do. I have frequently offered to help out in the co and it is always rejected. I have plenty to talk about. I may be a SAHM but I am certainly not without purpose. And yes, 'in his eyes' the co will ALWAYS be his.

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alfiesbabe · 09/03/2008 18:47

I'm sorry if the post offends you, but I think complaining about the holiday home your DH bought out of his earnings which he makes through his company,because it doesnt feel like 'yours' won;t get a huge amount of sympathy. I'm sure a lot of women would love to have a holiday home paid for by their DH. I pay a hefty great mortgage on ours!! Everything has a flip side - in your situation, the downside of your DH being the big earner and you being a SAHM is that you feel he calls the shots when it comes to spending. But quite frankly that's the choice you've made!

bigboydiditandranaway · 09/03/2008 20:57

It seems like your dh is very busy and overlooked your feelings about the holiday home. It is great(i think) that he is asking for your support with furnishings, something i would enjoy doing and sharing with dh.

egypt · 10/03/2008 03:43

i am so glad he has offered to you to go and spruce the place up. do take him up on the offer. once you immerse yourself in it you'll feel like a part of it. he will also see you as a part of it

sounds like he has kind of understood your feelings a little, if a little too proud to admit to it.

you are lucky to have the house, but everything in life is relative. the issue is your relationship not the house.

Original poster
247 · 10/03/2008 12:36

Thank you eygpt, again. Yes everything in life is relative and its the issue not the luxury of the material wealth that has offended. I think some people just don't understand that precise point, mentioningno names of course

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Original poster
247 · 10/03/2008 12:41

Afiesbabe, actually, for your information, it is NOT THE CHOICE I MADE, DH had nothing when I met and married him. His determination, my patience and tolerance, along with raising the DC pretty much alone(him not being around much) along with heaps of support, has in turn enabled him to 'call the shots' so yes, I feel I have EVERY right to complain and feel hurt when my feelings are not considered. Having wealth does not = happiness. Give me a tight family unit ANY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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TimeForMe · 10/03/2008 12:46

I second that 247. I suppose it's all well and good having your own interests and filling that gaps that way but, I do think you have to meetup somewhere in the middle. There has to be some common ground.

Ineedacleaner · 10/03/2008 12:58

Sorry 247 but in a way I have to agree with Alfiesbabe.
It is the choices you have made, you chose to seflessly support him building up his business and support him and bring up the children while he worked long hours. I feel that surely along the way you must have considered what running his own business meant for your family unit.

I can see why you are upset but it does sound like you are concentrating too much of your energy on your husbands co. Maybe offers of help have been rejected, not to keep the company his, but because of maybe slighly misguided favour to you. You DH may feel that you don't NEED to work so thinks he is being nice by saying no to help in the company.

Your DH has bought this holiday home for company use and you could use it as a family. Maybe he feels it is first and foremost a company thing that he didn't need to consult you any more than he would if he bought new office equipment or maybe he had always intended to buy it aurprise you with the location and ask you to do the decor. I just feel you are trying to see all the negaitves here. Sorry but it sounds like you actually resent all the sacrafices you have made in order for him to have the success he has, that is normal but if it is the case it needs to be addressed.

Original poster
247 · 10/03/2008 12:58

thanks

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TimeForMe · 10/03/2008 13:20

Or maybe it's more a case of your husband concentrating too much of his energies on his company and you feeling overlooked, neglected and taken for granted. Is it really just about the holiday home?

Like I said, it's all well and good having your own interests but, if you and your husband don't meet up somewhere in the middle then this just leads to living separate lives. Him with his 'company' and you with your many friends and interests. Does he take time out to be with you?

Original poster
247 · 10/03/2008 13:28

yes, he does take time for us, each and every and all weekend.

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