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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH been away for weeks at work and hasn’t come near me since being home

81 replies

Meowwoof8 · 15/10/2023 21:08

My DH works out of the country for long periods of time. This time he was away for 5 weeks. This is his third night home and he hasn’t come near me. No hugs, kisses, nothing. I suggested sex tonight and he just shrugged it off and is now sleeping next to me. Feeling really rubbish about it and just need to vent 😞

Would your husband/partner be like this if they hadn’t seen you in so long?

OP posts:

olderbutwiser · 15/10/2023 21:09

No. Tbh sounds suspicious.

LoudSnoringDog · 15/10/2023 21:09

Is he normally like this on a return? If not then I’d be concerned. My dp wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off me

LoudSnoringDog · 15/10/2023 21:10

Where does he work?

VineRipened · 15/10/2023 21:15

How is he about everything else? Generally?

I wouldn’t necessarily jump to conclusions but it sounds as if something is going on. Health, worries, job, MH, guilt.

What is usually the best way to get him to talk?

Original poster

Meowwoof8 · 15/10/2023 21:16

He works in various countries but mainly Africa.

Normally he is tired and the first night he’s home he’s straight to sleep but usually wanting sex 2nd or 3rd night home.

Would definitely be hugging me by now or at least a kiss, I’ve only had a kiss on the cheek since he got home.

OP posts:

whiteroseredrose · 15/10/2023 21:17

I'd be suspicious that he is feeling guilty about something, sorry.

Livelovebehappy · 15/10/2023 21:17

Is he also being unusually secretive with his phone?

Mumof3girlsandaboy · 15/10/2023 21:17

My husband works abroad a lot but when he get back home on the first night we get stuck together and he doesn’t leave me alone same as me. And then the next 4 days he get to sleep early because of the long journey and get to adjust to the time , day and night.

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/10/2023 21:24

I'd be assuming he'd slept with someone else and was worried he'd caught something. I'm not normally the suspicious type either.

Original poster

Meowwoof8 · 15/10/2023 21:26

Haven’t noticed him being secretive with his one. One thing I have noticed is that our children is no longer his phone display photo, it’s a generic picture. I haven’t asked him about this yet

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 15/10/2023 21:46

Similar issue with me OP, a good few years ago. Dh worked in South Africa, and lived and worked there for three months, then two months back, then repeat. On one occasion he returned and was very cold and distant, like he’d checked out o& our relationship. Just very sudden. But I also noticed he kept his phone on him all the time, when normally wouldn’t. Even sleeping with it under his pillow at night. Then started falling asleep on the sofa downstairs, not coming up to bed, not wanting sex. Long story short, it was another woman he had started seeing whilst out in South Africa. Not saying that’s what has happened here, but if there is someone else, he’s probably communicating with her by phone, and you should perhaps just watch for a change in his behaviour with his phone. In my case, he had also started going for night time walks alone, which was I found out later when he would call her.

Original poster

Meowwoof8 · 15/10/2023 21:57

Sorry that happened to you @Livelovebehappy

A couple of guys my DH works with have left their wives at home to be with an African woman but he’s always said he could never.

I'm definitely going to keep an eye on any phone activity and will see if he does eventually come near me this trip home. I’m not going to ask for sex again though or try to kiss/hug, I want to wait for him to do it. P

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/10/2023 22:06

I’m so sorry
knowing what I know of humanity this does sound off
I think you strategy to back off and watch is a sound one
I’m sorry 😞

DoThePropeller · 15/10/2023 22:09

I’d pretend my phone was dead and ask to use his for something, see how he reacts.

Livelovebehappy · 15/10/2023 22:11

I know it happened a bit with my DHs friends too. The lifestyle over there was very much work hard/play hard. Obviously because of the mostly lovely weather, there were always bbqs, parties etc, and I guess when they’re away from home, and missing family, it’s easy to be drawn into that lifestyle, and form relationships. With hindsight we probably should never have been apart for so long, but tbh I had chosen not to move over there with him permanently as didn’t want to lose friends and family, and dcs were settled at school etc, so this seemed to be the best compromise at the time for both of us. And he was the very last person I expected to be unfaithful, because I thought we had a strong marriage, but just shows I guess never to take things for granted. He acted in a way I never thought possible. So just be aware, what he said before will mean nothing if he’s had his head turned. I hope in your case it’s nothing like this, and that maybe he’s just going through some sort of mid life crisis and feels a bit depressed or something? Or something worrying him at work? Difficult I know if he’s not communicating with you.

mildlydispeptic · 15/10/2023 22:11

Oof, sorry OP, this sounds miserable for you. Hope it comes right.

Whattodo112222 · 15/10/2023 22:14

I would do as pp suggests and ask to borrow his phone. The colour will soon drain from his face if he's been cheating.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 15/10/2023 22:18

It would also give you the opportunity to ask about the phone picture being changed.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/10/2023 22:18

Sorry op. This does sound suspicious.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2023 22:20

More red flags than a communist parade. Op, do not have unprotected sex with him. Fuck knows what he's been up to.

denpark · 15/10/2023 22:20

Really sorry to read this OP. Unfortunately I think it sounds a bit suspicious but he could just be knackered...

Terrribletwos · 15/10/2023 22:22

Sorry no, it's definitely not normal.

And to change his screen photo. I am guessing you are scared to ask him so that is telling in itself

zazazoop · 15/10/2023 22:33

Could he be exhausted? I'd give him a few days

2jacqi · 15/10/2023 22:34

shit! are you quite techy? there are aps you can use to read messages and listen to phone calls but you would have to get hold of his phone and know what you are doing perhaps if he is in shower. at least you will know for sure

hellohelp · 15/10/2023 22:35

I want to wait for him to do it.

Op. With kindness, this sounds like he's cheated. And if so I wouldn't be wanting anything without an sti check first.
Use your head here

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