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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH been away for weeks at work and hasn’t come near me since being home

81 replies

Meowwoof8 · 15/10/2023 21:08

My DH works out of the country for long periods of time. This time he was away for 5 weeks. This is his third night home and he hasn’t come near me. No hugs, kisses, nothing. I suggested sex tonight and he just shrugged it off and is now sleeping next to me. Feeling really rubbish about it and just need to vent 😞

Would your husband/partner be like this if they hadn’t seen you in so long?

OP posts:

GoldenSpangles · 16/10/2023 04:53

I must admit that I would think he might be waiting to get STI results and is putting off having sex with you till then. As far as I know lots of men continue to have sex with their wives right up to the point where they ask for a divorce so I'd tend to the STI test theory. I wouldn't even consider having sex with him till you have an explanation about his odd behaviour and why the phone picture changed. Of course, I probably wouldn't believe a word of it if he told me everything is fine, there is nobody else and he is absolutely sure that he is free of STIs.

Original poster

Meowwoof8 · 16/10/2023 05:11

Thanks for all replies I’ve managed to read them all. My mind is in overdrive so haven’t slept very well.

I’ll be asking about the phone photo today. Not going to question him about lack of affection/intimacy yet as l don’t want him to only try because I’ve mentioned it, would rather see how it pans out.

I’m embarrased and ashamed to say he has cheated once before, not at work (as I’m aware of) but with a sex worker so this is obviously all I’m thinking about at moment, this happened 5 years ago.

we’ve been together 14 years and share 2 children, one of whom was a baby when he cheated so I stayed as I didn’t want to be the one to split up the family, even though I knew he was the one responsible for it 😞

OP posts:

DreamTheMoors · 16/10/2023 05:11

This happened to me.
My husband was a pilot. Only home for a weekend every few months.
He got more & more distant.
Then he called me from a trip & said he wanted a divorce - didn’t even have the decency to tell me in person.
I found out during the divorce that he had a toddler with a stewardess.

BackandForthRoundandRound · 16/10/2023 05:22

I would immediately be wary due to the change in the display photo on his phone.... that, along with the other changes hugely sound like a large red flag.

I am also joining the previous posters who have said not to have sex with him as you do not want to risk your sexual health at all. Just in case. It isn't worth it and you would end up driving yourself demented with worry in case something had happened and been passed onto you.

I guess as well, that the whole distance thing is not really suiting you anymore. Not meaning that to sound bad... but I would forever be wondering what had happened and would be thinking more was going on when he was away. Once that thought is in our brains it is incredibly hard to try to remove it. I would suggest having a chat about that but the timing might not be so great just now.

I would definitely say to keep a close eye on how he is using his phone. I wouldn't share your suspicions yet as if you do then he will undoubtedly end up becoming even more secretive with things. Watch to see if he makes sure it is not left sitting out or if he does the whole screen down sitting. Also any sudden, out of the norm walks. Do not share your suspicions. I wouldn't even say about the change in screen photo yet as that would possibly alert him to you being aware something is not quite right.

It could all be innocent however I certainly would not be comfortable only taking his word for it. Watch and see and definitely don't engage in any activity with him ~ claim sore head if needed. Or feeling sick. But definitely watch but not obviously.

BackandForthRoundandRound · 16/10/2023 05:24

Just saw your update ~ please don't feel ashamed. Plenty people try again particularly due to children being involved. You should not feel that way particularly when it was his actions. Not yours. I would not question about the photo on the screen yet in case it makes him suspicious especially with his previous history. Thinking of you as I know how absolutely horrible this is suspecting this

slore · 16/10/2023 05:45

If he has a history of using sex workers, if he has continued to do that in sub-Saharan Africa there is a high chance he would have been exposed to HIV. Don't go near him if there's the slightest chance he's cheated until he's had an STI test. Bearing in mind that HIV may not show up for several months after exposure.

Wife2b · 16/10/2023 05:50

Have you attempted to give him hugs and kisses OP? I just ask as your post sounds like you’re waiting for him to come to you. Is it not a mutual thing - particularly as he has been away for so long or is this quite usual for your relationship? I wouldn’t worry about the lack of sex after just a couple of days, he might just be knackered.

Wife2b · 16/10/2023 05:52

Oh sorry OP, just seen your update. I’m sorry - doesn’t sound good if he has form. I thought maybe give him the benefit of the doubt but not given his history.

MsDogLady · 16/10/2023 05:55

@Meowwoof8, I’m sorry that he is keeping you at arm’s length. This must be so disconcerting, especially with his history of cheating. He has to be aware of how his withholding affection is making you feel, yet he is choosing to do this. Surely he’d hate your doing the same to him.

There is a reason for his hands-off behavior, and as I said earlier, it’s highly likely to be infidelity. You gave him a second chance and it appears he may have blown it.

Whatamidoingffs · 16/10/2023 06:23

@slore what slore said. HIV and Syphilis can take over 3 months to show from initial infection. Then obviously there are loads more with different time scales as well. I'm so sorry you would have consider this but Africa does have a high rate of infection.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 16/10/2023 06:57

How could you have been the one to split the family up? You were faithful.

All Women need to stop thinking like this, it’s patriarchal bollocks.

GoldenSpangles · 16/10/2023 07:12

Frankly, at this stage, I'd only handle his penis with tongs - very long tongs.

fedupwithbeinghot · 16/10/2023 07:16

I'm usually not suspicious at all but in your case, and with his history, I'd be very careful and avoid him by all means. He could be carrying a myriad of venereal diseases

WowOK · 16/10/2023 07:21

@Meowwoof8 you don't trust him because he isn't trust worthy. He had sex with a sex worker at your most vulnerable time. He could just be tired, but I doubt it, irrespective your relationship is over.

Wanttobekind · 16/10/2023 08:08

If he does start wanting sex, for the love of mike use condoms.

eta just saw your update. Yeah, given the history I would put money on him cheating again.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/10/2023 08:23

Hmmmm

Letsrunabath · 16/10/2023 08:52

Sorry to have to say, you are right to be suspicious, take care.

bigbish · 16/10/2023 08:55

Bide your time to get some evidence. I know it's frowned soon on MN but search is phone / see if he's changed his pw. You're within your rights to make an informed decision about your future, especially after he cheated when you had a young baby (what an utter bastard)

Don't ask questions, don't let him be suspicious of you being suspicious.

Good luck OP, and only handle his penis in a hazmat suit.

LumiB · 16/10/2023 08:55

If he hadn't of removed the photo then I'd be thinking a one off night and worried about STDs but the fact he removed the photo is quite telling to me esp because its of your children. So unfortunately it sounds like there could be more to the story than just sleeping with someone.

NeedToChangeName · 16/10/2023 08:55

Two big drip feeds OP

He's changed his phone photo

And has cheated before

I think you know the answer here. Sorry this has happened to you

Don't have sex with him. You don't want to risk an STI or baby

AInightingale · 16/10/2023 09:13

Not only don't touch him with a bargepole, but get yourself tested now, if he has regular trips away.

Very sorry.

MrsMarzetti · 16/10/2023 09:34

He is cheating and you know it. Get the paperwork sorted, hide as much cash as you can and carry on as normal until he goes back to Africa then divorce the bastard.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/10/2023 09:35

If he’s spending any length of time in Africa, I’d want him tested for HIV/any other STDs.
Only saying, because dh used to spend a lot of time in South Africa and at least once was with a colleague (Dutch, and his surname was something like De Kok!) who was off with prostitutes almost as soon as they were off the plane.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 16/10/2023 09:58

but with a sex worker

If I was married to someone who paid to rape someone, because that's what visiting a prostituted woman means, I couldn't look at him after that, never mind have sex with him.

You should have left him back then. Time to remedy that oversight.

PeakABoocha · 16/10/2023 10:18

I’d ask him how he is feeling, not too tired etc…first. Simply because that’s how he is the first night anyway and travelling for work is exhausting (been there, done that)

That was until you said he has cheated before….

I can see why your mind is in overdrive @Meowwoof8 😢😢

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