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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is obsessed with sex

115 replies

Oysterpearls · 14/10/2023 13:50

I can’t work out if I’m married to a 15 year old or if he is actually obsessed with sex. But I feel like we can’t have a conversation without innuendo of some kind. And it’s happening in front of the kids which I hate, they are too young to understand at the moment but I still hate it. An example, ds likes a song about a tractor and it says something about move the great long spout. DH says oh I’ll move my great long spout later. It’s stuff like that, constant. And it’s really getting me down. I feel like all he sees when he sees me is something to shag.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2023 19:15

You respond as though you have no agency in your own life, and you don't seem to grasp that you have the responsibility to inform people of your boundaries and how you expect to be treated. From what you've written, your husband might think you're perfectly fine with being spoken to like that. He'd still be a pig, but he may genuinely not know you hate that kind of banter. It's up to you to tell him.

Why you're so defensive is quite puzzling.

Sophia89 · 14/10/2023 19:16

Isheabastard · 14/10/2023 17:08

My ex could be like this, you couldn’t say the word ‘bush’ without some puerile comment or sniggering.

He would do the dry humping when I was busy in the kitchen. Once I just told him to stop it, but he got angry and told me I should be grateful he still found me attractive. He of course turned it into ‘I had offended him’. FFS!!

The dry humping. Christ I'd have had to kill him.

I am reading this thread with my mouth dropped open.

Why are some men that weird?

sadsack78 · 14/10/2023 19:30

I'm sorry you're living with that, OP.

Has he always done this? If so, you've done well to not dismember him.

beatrix1234 · 14/10/2023 19:35

@sadsack78 Has he always done this? If so, you've done well to not dismember him.

I believe there’s a middle ground between staying mum about an issue and dismembering someone for said issue, but that’s just me.

LusaBatoosa · 14/10/2023 19:45

Oysterpearls · 14/10/2023 19:02

Honestly, I don’t even know why I posted. I know I won’t be bothering again though.

You’re being given advice, support and asked further questions about your relationship and how you engage with your DH. All of which seems fair. What were you hoping for?

And why are you fixating on whether a couple of people think it’s your ‘fault’? It’s not, and most people have stated that. However, even if it were your fault, why is that important? It doesn’t stop you from asserting yourself and addressing the situation now.

If something else is keeping you from asserting yourself and addressing the situation, we’ll try to help - but you need to tell us what it is. If you need advice on how to address the situation, we can give that, as well. But, again, you need to ask.

sadsack78 · 14/10/2023 19:47

beatrix1234 · 14/10/2023 19:35

@sadsack78 Has he always done this? If so, you've done well to not dismember him.

I believe there’s a middle ground between staying mum about an issue and dismembering someone for said issue, but that’s just me.

I agree- just amazed at OP's ability to put up with his behaviour for so long!

OP just needs to be as direct as possible, make it clear it's not funny and she doesn't like it, and it's crossing a line making those jokes around the kids.

LusaBatoosa · 14/10/2023 19:47

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2023 19:15

You respond as though you have no agency in your own life, and you don't seem to grasp that you have the responsibility to inform people of your boundaries and how you expect to be treated. From what you've written, your husband might think you're perfectly fine with being spoken to like that. He'd still be a pig, but he may genuinely not know you hate that kind of banter. It's up to you to tell him.

Why you're so defensive is quite puzzling.

From her responses, I suspect there’s more to this. She comes across as very downtrodden.

Original poster
Oysterpearls · 14/10/2023 19:48

I am defensive because the posts telling me it is my own fault were extremely upsetting to read and also took me aback. I can’t honestly remember when or why it started and it doesn’t seem especially important. I really can’t understand why people seem to think it matters so much. I agree I need to be more forceful in telling him to stop but it’s hard to do in front of children.

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 14/10/2023 19:52

Mummy08m · 14/10/2023 17:44

Ps I wouldn't even say that "obsessed with sex" is how I would describe this.

I have, in the past, dated guys who had really high drives and couldn't wait to get me alone etc. Undress me with their eyes etc. They were thinking about it a lot. But when they talked about it, which wasn't often, it would be serious and earnest.

Whereas your H is disrespectful about sex. He sees it as something to make lewd jokes about. By extension he sees you and your body as something to make lewd jokes about and disrespect. Not ok

This! It's turning sex into some sort of furtive adolescent joke that is a major turnoff. So unsophisticated, un-suave and childish. Who wants to go to bed with a young boy? Why don't these men realize how idiotic and icky they sound?

LusaBatoosa · 14/10/2023 19:58

Oysterpearls · 14/10/2023 19:48

I am defensive because the posts telling me it is my own fault were extremely upsetting to read and also took me aback. I can’t honestly remember when or why it started and it doesn’t seem especially important. I really can’t understand why people seem to think it matters so much. I agree I need to be more forceful in telling him to stop but it’s hard to do in front of children.

I am defensive because the posts telling me it is my own fault were extremely upsetting to read

Why, though? It’s a small minority of posts and - like I said - it doesn’t matter, anyway. Why fixate on and get upset by those responses, as opposed to engaging with all the other ones?

I agree I need to be more forceful in telling him to stop but it’s hard to do in front of children.

Speak to him about it afterwards, when the kids aren’t there?

Original poster
Oysterpearls · 14/10/2023 20:03

Yes I agree I should, but the kids are always there until the evening and then saying ‘when you said this at 11am’ feels silly. That’s not to say I won’t do it but to explain why I haven’t so far.

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 14/10/2023 20:05

Oysterpearls · 14/10/2023 19:48

I am defensive because the posts telling me it is my own fault were extremely upsetting to read and also took me aback. I can’t honestly remember when or why it started and it doesn’t seem especially important. I really can’t understand why people seem to think it matters so much. I agree I need to be more forceful in telling him to stop but it’s hard to do in front of children.

Men cannot read minds OP, you need to sit this man (and please don't do this infront of the children, do it in private as it's a serious adult conversation). Tell him this behaviour bothers the shyte out and you're no longer willing to entertain it. It's a pet peeve of yours, it feels creepy and makes you super uncomfortable, end of. Keep it short, sweet and to the point as men tend to have a very short attention spam when it comes to women complaining. If he stops doing it, good, if he doesn't then it means he's a jerk with little consideration to your needs and you need to go into step 2.

LusaBatoosa · 14/10/2023 20:07

Oysterpearls · 14/10/2023 20:03

Yes I agree I should, but the kids are always there until the evening and then saying ‘when you said this at 11am’ feels silly. That’s not to say I won’t do it but to explain why I haven’t so far.

Address the trend, not a single instance. Basically, you need to say what’s in your OP.

I'll ask again (in case you missed it, as opposed to decided not to answer), what’s your relationship like, generally? If you’d rather not discuss it, that’s fine. But I’m sensing there’s more to this.

beatrix1234 · 14/10/2023 20:07

Oysterpearls · 14/10/2023 20:03

Yes I agree I should, but the kids are always there until the evening and then saying ‘when you said this at 11am’ feels silly. That’s not to say I won’t do it but to explain why I haven’t so far.

No it's not silly AT ALL. Tell him you don't want to discuss private matters infront of the children hence the reason you did not say anything and was waiting to be alone with him. Pick your time wisely, don't do it when he just came back home tired from a double shift, pick a good time to have this conversation as it’s quite important for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2023 20:13

You don't tell him about a particular instance, you address the entire subject. You tell him that you no longer want to hear any of his sexual jokes or innuendo. They make you feel disrespected and horrible, it's affecting the way you feel about him, and him saying these things in front of the children is absolutely unacceptable.

If you don't stand up for yourself, no one will, and you have a duty to protect your kids from this.

PeakABoocha · 14/10/2023 20:19

Oysterpearls · 14/10/2023 20:03

Yes I agree I should, but the kids are always there until the evening and then saying ‘when you said this at 11am’ feels silly. That’s not to say I won’t do it but to explain why I haven’t so far.

I think there are two stages

  • 1 you tell him he has to stop the inutendo. It’s not ok in front if the dcs, it makes you feel awful etc…. You can have that chat in the evening once the dcs are in bed and have plenty of time.
  • 2 tell him every time, eg at 11.00am, when he says something inappropriate. In that case I’d just say <DH name> with a stern look. He’ll know.
As for some comments…. Sometimes, they say more about the person making the comment than about you…..
PeakABoocha · 14/10/2023 20:21

beatrix1234 · 14/10/2023 20:07

No it's not silly AT ALL. Tell him you don't want to discuss private matters infront of the children hence the reason you did not say anything and was waiting to be alone with him. Pick your time wisely, don't do it when he just came back home tired from a double shift, pick a good time to have this conversation as it’s quite important for you.

Edited
Show quote history

I’ve also found it can helpful for me to ‘rehearse’ what I’m going to say.
So in your case having in my head a clear list as to why you have issue with it and why.

I find that, then, I can answer more calmly and coherently to any ‘but….’ answers.

Momr · 14/10/2023 20:21

OP,

I do handle it other way. do not talk about it. you are upset, know exactly why firstly. you meant he is talking infront of children. How do you take it if he does say things like that when children is not around? also understand if he is not saying any when there are other people. check what respect he has towards his partner.

Original poster
Oysterpearls · 14/10/2023 20:23

I’d generally say it’s a good relationship @LusaBatoosa, we do have the pressure ofvery young children but we pull through, mostly.

OP posts:
Bature · 14/10/2023 20:26

Oysterpearls · 14/10/2023 20:23

I’d generally say it’s a good relationship @LusaBatoosa, we do have the pressure ofvery young children but we pull through, mostly.

But you say he doesn’t listen to you. How can you have a good relationship where he doesn’t listen?

What do you think constitutes a good relationship?

beatrix1234 · 14/10/2023 20:35

Oysterpearls · 14/10/2023 20:23

I’d generally say it’s a good relationship @LusaBatoosa, we do have the pressure ofvery young children but we pull through, mostly.

A good relationship is someone you can tell how you feel without feeling like you’re walking on eggshells.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 14/10/2023 20:38

He's upsetting you, and he's not listening. I'd agree that doesn't sound like a great relationship.

I'd get a massive family calendar so he has his own column - and with every "carry on" comment he makes, it gets him a 7 day sex ban. Marked clearly on the calendar with 7 large X's in marker pen. See how long he carries on making them then.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 14/10/2023 20:41

Ask him if he realises it comes across a bit Jimmy Saville when he's talking about sex in front of the children, does he mean to sound a bit like a pedophile? Maybe shock him a bit.

beatrix1234 · 14/10/2023 20:44

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 14/10/2023 20:41

Ask him if he realises it comes across a bit Jimmy Saville when he's talking about sex in front of the children, does he mean to sound a bit like a pedophile? Maybe shock him a bit.

Agree, children are not stupid and pick on everything. It’s very creepy to keep making sexual innuendo infront of the kids.

Shewhobecamethesun · 14/10/2023 20:49

My stbxh could be like this at times. It made my skin crawl, and made me feel cheap, so I totally get what you are saying. And ignore the poster saying you should've known when you got with him 🙄 when your in that first flush of infatuation when you can't keep your hands off each other, but 10+ years later with 2/3 dc, you'd expect most people to just mature a little.
And no you shouldn't have to tell him explicitly. Just once is enough - "please don't talk to me like that. I don't like it, and it's a complete turn off" and if he continues it just shows he has little respect for you and your feelings. He knows you don't like it, yet carries on. It's like your not a person, just a sex object.

I emphasise that he's my EX now, best decision ever 😉

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