DH is obsessed with sex

[Oysterpearls]

I can’t work out if I’m married to a 15 year old or if he is actually obsessed with sex. But I feel like we can’t have a conversation without innuendo of some kind. And it’s happening in front of the kids which I hate, they are too young to understand at the moment but I still hate it. An example, ds likes a song about a tractor and it says something about move the great long spout. DH says oh I’ll move my great long spout later. It’s stuff like that, constant. And it’s really getting me down. I feel like all he sees when he sees me is something to shag.

My ex could be like this, you couldn’t say the word ‘bush’ without some puerile comment or sniggering.

He would do the dry humping when I was busy in the kitchen. Once I just told him to stop it, but he got angry and told me I should be grateful he still found me attractive. He of course turned it into ‘I had offended him’. FFS!!

Any man who likes saying sexual things in front of his kids has a boundary problem that is a huge red flag.

It also suggests he doesn't respect his partner.

Not any man I'd be in a relationship with, perhaps you need to raise your bar a bit!

If the innuendo was actually funny it might be different.

I couldn't deal with every stupid little thing being turned into a sex thing. Irritating.

Ooh on your laptop working again? I want you on top of my lap hehe 🙄

Ugh

If it makes you feel awful, then I don’t really understand this:

I have told him but I probably could do with doing so more firmly or really emphasising how uncomfortable I find it.

Is there a reason you’re more comfortable posting on MN about it than properly talking to him? Do you not think he’d listen? Another reason?

I shouldn’t have posted, sorry.

I understand what you're saying but my partner would come out with something like this, luckily not in front of the kids but when just us two, we're incredibly vulgar and make a pun out of almost anything. So if my partner said such a thing, I'd probably giggle because that's our type of humour. If the OP doesn't have this type of humour and her partner does, she needs to tell him that

Probably it's an indication of maturity (lack thereof!) but DP and I have a similar sense of humour so that if there was a "move the big spout" moment we'd look at each other and snort/laugh - but it's very much shared. You know best OP if it's said as an attempt at a shared jokey moment or if it's an icky attempt to be sexual with him. What's your response when he does this?

Why do you think you shouldn’t have posted?

I don't even think I could be friends or housemates with a man like that let alone married to him.

Btw op, this is not your fault. Ignore anyone saying this is your fault.

I'm not sure what you can do about it because I think men like this are irredeemably awful.

Ps I wouldn't even say that "obsessed with sex" is how I would describe this.

I have, in the past, dated guys who had really high drives and couldn't wait to get me alone etc. Undress me with their eyes etc. They were thinking about it a lot. But when they talked about it, which wasn't often, it would be serious and earnest.

Whereas your H is disrespectful about sex. He sees it as something to make lewd jokes about. By extension he sees you and your body as something to make lewd jokes about and disrespect. Not ok

It’s not doing any good. Quite a lot of replies are heavily implying it’s my fault which I have to be honest don’t make me feel great.

Please don’t apologise for posting! You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m genuinely asking if you’re worried he won’t listen, or similar.

Listening isn’t his strong point at the best of times to be honest.

I suspected that might be the case. I’m sorry, OP.

How’s your relationship, generally?

I second this

Was he like this before you married him?

Why is that important, other than to tell me it’s my fault?

I mean that genuinely. Why is it important you know that, it not to decide whether it’s my fault or not?

I don’t think anyone has said it’s your fault. And it isn’t.
I understand it’s not easy to hear that your husband is horrible though.
I hope you stay on the thread.

Because we are trying to ascertain if this is a new thing or something you have always put up with and who he always was. In which case, what was it that made you stay for a second date? Presumably you married him because you didn't mind that behaviour once upon a time (there are of course consensual relationships where people are ok with it), or maybe you expected he would change? 99% of the time People do not change unfortunately.

@Candleabra two replies literally say that.

@canwetalkaboutcake no, he didn’t show up on the first date being crude and sex obsessed. When did it start? I have no idea and I don’t think it matters. You evidently do and I still don’t understand why despite your answer.

I mean, is it somehow OK behaviour after ten years, five years, two?

Has he always been like this? If not, when did it start and why do you think it started?

If he was always this way and you married him anyway, that's your fault. Men like this don't change

and

I despise men like your husband, but you are part of the problem if you have not told him explicitlyto stop

I will leave the thread there I think. It isn’t making me feel good.

Of course not. But some men are like this from the off and women hope they will change and put up with it. And then 5 years later they're surprised they're still like this.

Because instead of telling him straight away you’re making an anonymous thread and telling a bunch of strangers on the net. Saying “he’s just not good at listening” is apologising for his bad behaviour and neglect towards you. It sounds like you’re walking around eggshells with this guy OP, or maybe you’re just not the assertive type, that’s ok.

Honestly, I don’t even know why I posted. I know I won’t be bothering again though.