Name change in case of being outed. Will try and keep it brief.
Been with DH 10 years, married for 6. His sister has always been a bit of a tricky character, likes to have controversial opinions and debate. Up 'til now it's been something I notice but mostly ignore.
She recently posted a long statement on social media regarding the recent Russell Brand documentary. (She believes he's innocent, I'm less convinced. I can still respect her right to have a different view than mine even if I don't agree). However the post went well beyond just discrediting the women who have come forward in the documentary. She started openly questioning in the event that the assaults in the documentary did happen, who is really accountable for a sexual assault when someone "knowingly walks down a risky path with warning signs everywhere". Then gives the opinion that as RB has substance abuse issues and a mental health diagnosis so he's not responsible for his actions anyway and is instead a victim of the media.
I was sexually abused before I met DH (by someone who was also a substance abuser and had MH diagnoses, so there is some notable overlap to RB). SiL is one of a handful of people who knows this. I found her post utterly triggering and frankly couldn't believe her stance around accountability. I felt like she was essentially openly saying that being assaulted was my fault. I spent the next two weeks feeling really low and preoccupied by it all. I definitely felt like it was something that had ruptured my relationship with her, so decided to reach out to her in the hope of talking it through and moving forward.
Sent a private message to her explaining how I felt really vulnerable bringing it up... but also how triggered I'd found that post given my experience, but emphasised I didn't think she'd purposefully tried to say anything insensitive. She sends back a long and furious message basically saying how dare I suggest she'd ever be insensitive to victims of sexual abuse and she isn't. She said if I'd approached this as a "chilled conversation" she'd have been happy to discuss... ?because most people love discussing their trauma in a casual manner(!)?
DH suggested I try and talk to her on the phone, as it's hard over messenger. So I sent a short reply, emphasising I don't think she's a bad person and I really don't think she knowingly meant to come across as she did, but I had found that post really hard to read and I was open to chatting about it instead if that's what she wanted.
So then she replies saying "To be honest (using my full name that she hasn't used in 10 years), I don't care if you find my views triggering. I don't know what your motive was in targeting a member of this family. It's a massive overstep on your part."
So I spent the day crying non-stop, feeling the lowest I've felt in years to the point I wanted to self-harm, which I also haven't done in years. I've never felt so dismissed and silenced by anyone other than my abuser. I showed DH the message and he tried to explain it as maybe she's forgotten I have lived experience of sexual assault. I said she definitely knows. All I know after that is he messaged her to confirm that she knew this and whatever she said left him to angry to continue to speak to her.
So now I feel utterly stuck. If this was anyone else I'd stop having any contact with them. I've lost all trust and respect for her, her views of victim blaming and her response to me have been incredibly painful. I feel if we were talking about my Best Interests then I wouldn't have any contact with her again. But I know doing this would hurt my husband (who grew up with members of the family cut off for long periods and still resents this to this day), our children, my nieces, my MiL and FiL. So I feel like maybe I have to find a way to physically tolerate her presence but this also feels like a miserable way to spend all family meet ups going forward.
Any advice or anyone been in a similar position on how to manage it?