Ex wants toy back he bought daughter over 3 years ago. What should I say?

[Ifyousayso1]

So Basically he wasn’t allowed access to her whilst the case was in court due to abuse for 3 years. First gift he hand delivered and tried to bang his way in my mums house and stood outside screaming whilst we were all inside. Made sure daughter didn’t hear him. He was sent a letter by my lawyer to not come to my house.

Then he has someone else hand deliver this gift he’s asking for back. His gifts were always massive in size. He was requested to send small gifts that could be posted through the letter box. This was over 3 years ago. I don’t have this gift anymore. I never gave her it and donated to a charity. I gave all the other gifts that he sent as requested by the judge that fit through letter box.

Anyway he has sent 2 msgs now asking for it back. He took my jewellery and all the toys me and my family bought our daughter when he left. I can’t believe he is asking for this back. He knows I never gave her this toy.

What should I say, it’s so long ago now he sent this toy,3 years?

Also, do you know what a non molestation order is?

It's typically intended to prevent violence but it can sometimes cover unwanted contact and harassment as well.

I would keep a record of absolutely everything he does, report anything which might be considered harassment to the police, and then if you want to go to the family court and ask for a non molestation order, you will have evidence to support your case.

It may well be that there are a few complicated years during which your daughter has to have contact with her father and he says things about you which are untrue or behaves in a way that upsets her. Document it all. Eventually when she's old enough to understand, you can tell her that he was abusive towards you and, if applicable, that you had a non molestation order against him, and she will figure out for herself what kind of man he is.

@MargotBamborough Hi yes I’ve heard of one and almost applied for one before but he went away.
Its sad but he is his worst enemy. He was so desperate for contact but now she is scared of going because she doesn’t want to hear those things. His tone scared her and I know exactly how she feels. If he doesn’t let the past go then he is going to ruin their relationship. I will no doubt get the blame for this but he is doing it with his own hands. She loves her dad, it’s sad.

How old is she? How long before she can refuse to go if she doesn't want to?

The only success criteria for those courses is to attend. He could have sat through the whole thing arguing with the trainer, or simply not listening, or using the information to shore up his own narcissism. Unfortunately it doesn't mean he's 'cured' as we can see here.

You really do need some practical advice to help you protect your dd.

Yes it’s easy to sit and listen to someone talk and say the right things. It’s different when you get triggered in real life, especially with narcissistic tendencies. It’s not worth it though because I’m over it and the only person getting hurt is our daughter now. It was in a different world and it needs to stay back then.

My ex has asked our son to hand over Lego sets he was given for Christmas and birthday gifts over the years so he can pass them to his new child and step child. Some of these sets are collectors items. I just know he'd sell them.

When I left exh he sold all of dc's stuff. Toys. Bikes. Even clothes they went back to him wearing that I paid for. No logic in some people.. Did you post at the time about the pink jeep I seem to remember..?

I’d quite happily hand it back if I had it as it is with anything else I have that he bought. Was no maliciousness in my actions. Years had gone by, it’s gone thats it. I bet if I asked back all the toys he took my family bought, especially ones my dad bought as he is no longer here I wouldn’t get a nice reply. They’ve gone, we count loses, we move on.

Here's hoping she realises of her own accord what an arsehole he is and stops wanting to go. And that when that happens you find the strength to choose her, despite how he might kick off.

Don't perpetuate, whatever you do, that 'daddy loves you' lie. People who love us don't abuse us.
It sets her up for a dynamic in her adult relationships that we should tolerate and excuse abuse.

You need to be clear with her that his behaviour is not ok.

Not saying to badmouth him but there are things like talking in generalised terms about what behaviour we shouldn't accept from others. Also, listening to her when she tells you how he has been a jerk that week and asking 'how did that make you feel?' And 'Do you think it is OK for someone to behave that way?' Ect...

She is a victim of abuse now too. Telling someone their abuser is bad doesn't usually work. They have to come to their own conclusions. But be there to support her through that. Ask her questions to make her think. Teach her how to spot right from wrong behaviour. Tell her that we should never hang around bullies trying to understand them, we should just get far away from them. And be sure she knows, that she is loved by you.

And when she stops wanting to go, don't force her. If he takes it back to court, fight for her. I know it's exhausting but you know she's worth it. And hopefully she's old enough now that she will be listened to.

And don't be slow to report harassment. It could really help you if it comes to a custody battle again.

Ps: simply put, he doesn't change because evil doesn't change.

@Pinkbonbon its sad. His hate for me now could potentially damage his relationship with his daughter. He has a problem though in that he is unable to accept any accountability and will probably go the ends of the earth to come out the victim. It just doesn’t matter anymore. You can get a new partner, lie and fool people but just under the surface the same person is their.

I have been trying to teach her to understand that no matter what someone buys you or where they take you what matters is how they make you feel. You getting a toy does not out weigh the safety of another. It doesn’t mean we can shout and scare another. Unfortunately your dads actions have consequences, whether he accepts that or not. It’s horrible but she need to learn things that others probably don’t.

The thing is, he's a hateful person and even if the hate wasn't directed at you, she'd still suffer. For example, seeing him treat any new partner with contempt. Which he will.

And when your daughter gets closer to her teens, he will direct his contempt towards her too. Because once we start to grow up and devop our autonomy...abusers don't like that. Hopefully she'll be away from him by then.

@Pinkbonbon i forget just how nasty he was. My mind has sort of fogged out that decade, my memories are like of someone else. But yes they can at the change to nasty so quickly, it’s really surprising and knocks you off balance.

Even my daughter said mummy I’m sorry I tried to close my ears and not hear what he said about you but is was so quick that I heard it all.