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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wants toy back he bought daughter over 3 years ago. What should I say?

113 replies

Ifyousayso1 · 12/10/2023 11:32

So Basically he wasn’t allowed access to her whilst the case was in court due to abuse for 3 years. First gift he hand delivered and tried to bang his way in my mums house and stood outside screaming whilst we were all inside. Made sure daughter didn’t hear him. He was sent a letter by my lawyer to not come to my house.

Then he has someone else hand deliver this gift he’s asking for back. His gifts were always massive in size. He was requested to send small gifts that could be posted through the letter box. This was over 3 years ago. I don’t have this gift anymore. I never gave her it and donated to a charity. I gave all the other gifts that he sent as requested by the judge that fit through letter box.

Anyway he has sent 2 msgs now asking for it back. He took my jewellery and all the toys me and my family bought our daughter when he left. I can’t believe he is asking for this back. He knows I never gave her this toy.

What should I say, it’s so long ago now he sent this toy,3 years?

OP posts:
Bagpuss2022 · 12/10/2023 12:34

Do not engage just ignore it’s just control
and he’s pissed about the CSA going up so he’s trying to hurt you just be bright breezy and just stick to minimal communication about your daughter

MargotBamborough · 12/10/2023 12:35

Just ignore him.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 12/10/2023 12:36

@ObsidianGrape oh I would so love to but I expect that’s what he wants, an argument of some kind. I can’t believe the audacity of it tho. He was even asked by my solicitor and was in the order to return but nope. I gave up in the end as I wanted rid of him in my life. Can always replace things like that really.

OP posts:
yarnwitch · 12/10/2023 12:55

Don't engage. This is about control, not the toy.

Pebblesflintstoneandbambamrubble · 12/10/2023 13:01

I had this but it was a toy dog (won't surprise anyone to learn that when we broke up,he took everything that wasn't nailed down-and I do mean everything-right down to dds cot and the carpets etc)

He dumped a load of soft toys on my doorstep,so when I opened the door,I fell over the bag-which spilt open and dd saw the lot

Of course,she fell in love with this toy dog and took 'barney' everywhere-she slept with him,ate with him-everything (every photo of that time has the pair of them in it)

He got wind of it being her fave toy-and was trying to drag me through the courts on every single point he could dream up

He demanded 'barney' back in court and the judge basically told him to fuck off and grow up

It was dds toy and he had no rights over it-she's 26 now and not only still has barney but her own dog who is the Spitting image of her toy

Tell him to fuck off-its a power trip for him and is hitting him in the balls as the csa has gone up

SunRainStorm · 12/10/2023 13:04

We had the same thing but from a estranged grandparent.

We spoke to a lawyer and psychologist- both said to ignore it completely. You're under no obligation to engage with him about that gift.

As others have said - it's him trying to drag you back into his orbit. Don't participate.

I forgot whether I read this or someone said it, but when you receive requests or messages like this, it's like someone throwing you balls and trying to force you to play catch with them. They can't play catch if you just ignore the balls. They'll throw them for a while but eventually they'll give up when they realise you're not going to participate. If you respond- even to say 'no how dare you' - then thats basically throwing the ball back- which is exactly what they wanted you to do.

SunRainStorm · 12/10/2023 13:06

Pebblesflintstoneandbambamrubble · 12/10/2023 13:01

I had this but it was a toy dog (won't surprise anyone to learn that when we broke up,he took everything that wasn't nailed down-and I do mean everything-right down to dds cot and the carpets etc)

He dumped a load of soft toys on my doorstep,so when I opened the door,I fell over the bag-which spilt open and dd saw the lot

Of course,she fell in love with this toy dog and took 'barney' everywhere-she slept with him,ate with him-everything (every photo of that time has the pair of them in it)

He got wind of it being her fave toy-and was trying to drag me through the courts on every single point he could dream up

He demanded 'barney' back in court and the judge basically told him to fuck off and grow up

It was dds toy and he had no rights over it-she's 26 now and not only still has barney but her own dog who is the Spitting image of her toy

Tell him to fuck off-its a power trip for him and is hitting him in the balls as the csa has gone up

Atrocious behaviour, I'm so sorry.

God the judges must struggle not to hurl their staplers at some of these princes.

booksandbeans · 12/10/2023 13:11

It is not about the gift but about you & the situation. He almost certainly knows you do not have it - he is trying to bully you anyway he can.

say nothing - It was not a loan and gifts are not meant to be returned to the giver.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 12/10/2023 13:14

I remember from the freedom programme it being called hoovering I think. He wasn’t paying the increased cm amount but unfortunately it’s through the service and they have requested he must otherwise it’s a 20% fee on top and directly from account. He was not happy sending what he owed.

OP posts:
Jewelspun · 12/10/2023 13:20

Tell him he can collect and give him the address of the charity shop or the Tip.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 12/10/2023 13:35

"no" is a sufficient response.

You do not owe him an explanation. And you do not have to justify yourself.

Starlightstarbright2 · 12/10/2023 13:36

SunRainStorm · 12/10/2023 13:04

We had the same thing but from a estranged grandparent.

We spoke to a lawyer and psychologist- both said to ignore it completely. You're under no obligation to engage with him about that gift.

As others have said - it's him trying to drag you back into his orbit. Don't participate.

I forgot whether I read this or someone said it, but when you receive requests or messages like this, it's like someone throwing you balls and trying to force you to play catch with them. They can't play catch if you just ignore the balls. They'll throw them for a while but eventually they'll give up when they realise you're not going to participate. If you respond- even to say 'no how dare you' - then thats basically throwing the ball back- which is exactly what they wanted you to do.

I love this !!

FortyNine49 · 12/10/2023 13:41

Surely if you give something, it is no longer yours so you can't have it back.
Either don't engage as others have said. Or just say your child was sick on it and it had to be thrown away as it was unhygienic. Just to close down the conversation once and for all.

Pebblesflintstoneandbambamrubble · 12/10/2023 13:42

SunRainStorm · 12/10/2023 13:06

Atrocious behaviour, I'm so sorry.

God the judges must struggle not to hurl their staplers at some of these princes.

Show quote history

She did look very pissed off at the time-same judge put a stop to his shit and told him to stick to what was best for our dd,not point scoring

I never told dd what had happened (this pratt was still her father at the end of the day) and years later,she hunted him down (no surprise to anyone that when he couldn't get his own way-backed up by the courts-he fucked off-while shaking off the csa as he went)

Anyone else would have been delighted that their long lost dd had gone back in touch

Oh not him

First thing he did (apparently) was to spit at her and her and demand this bloody toy dog back

She refused-so he told her to fuck off-backed up hy his mother-so she did-she walked out of their house as fast as she'd walked in and down that street faster than Linford Christie

It's all my fault that as a now adult,she doesn't want anything to do with him...

Kids are not daft-they grow up and make their own minds up

Codlingmoths · 12/10/2023 13:43

If you don’t want to say no, say ‘sure. If we are returning things please return all my jewellery and the approx 50 of dds toys you took when you left. I’ll have a look for the toy you are after when they are back.’

Beautiful3 · 12/10/2023 13:45

I'd actually ignore it. He just wants to engage you.

wildwestpioneer · 12/10/2023 13:56

'No, we don't have it any longer' then block and ignore

Milarky · 12/10/2023 14:25

Just ignore OP. Don't even reply.

Can you get one of those Co-parenting apps where you communicate only relevant info. I think some of them are court approved too.

Never used them, and not sure how they work, but seem a great idea. Maybe a more knowledgeable poster can give you more info.

And you're doing great OP. Us random mumsnetters are all proud of you!! It takes incredible courage to do what you've done and are continuing to do. Well done!' Flowers

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 12/10/2023 14:44

@Milarky haha yes I’m trying. I’m stuck with him for many years as daughter is still pretty young. Want him as far away as possible as I know how toxic and insidious a narcissist is.

OP posts:
Steev · 12/10/2023 14:47

No longer have it.

The end

AdoraBell · 12/10/2023 14:53

As pp have said, ignore and keep the messages. I would do screen shots of text messages, if that’s possible, and email them to yourself and a family member/good friend in case anything goes wrong with your phone.

Cherrysoup · 12/10/2023 15:49

Solicitor letter back demanding your jewellery back or you’ll report the theft to the police. Asshole. You can’t demand back gifts.

Wastinmylifeaway · 12/10/2023 15:49

No answer required

ZebraD · 12/10/2023 15:52

I wouldn’t respond at all

AbbeyGailsParty · 12/10/2023 16:02

rainbowstardrops · 12/10/2023 11:46

He couldn't give a flying fig about the toy, it's all about power.
Even if your child still had it, he'd seriously take a toy from a child? He's trying to wield his 'power'. Tell him to go through a solicitor.

This.
Tell him very politely to go through a solicitor who will laugh him out the room.

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