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Original poster

Been ghosted after 3 months

97 replies

CharlotteRose90 · 10/10/2023 16:38

Having a bad day and feeling sorry for myself. Finally plucked up the courage to ask the guy I’m dating how he feels and what we are and he’s ghosted me. For reference I met him at work as we see each other pretty much every day and then on days off we were going on dates.

back in July I thought of him as more then a friend so messaged him and since then we were dating . He was even the only person to visit me in hospital over a week ago so does have caring side.. Anyway I’ve been wondering for a while Whether we were classed as boyfriend/girlfriend so decided to ask him last night. He’s completely ghosted me . Tried ringing him and he rejected it. And I know he’s on his phone all the time.

obviously know my answer but it’s sucks. Finally thought I’d found a good one. It’s also brought back a lot of insecurities in me that I thought I’d got over so I’ll be seeking therapy to try and work through them. 😩

OP posts:
Kedece2410 · 10/10/2023 16:50

You only messaged him last night. There could be 100 reasons he's not got back to you. Its a bit early to say you've been ghosted

BananaSlug · 10/10/2023 17:01

Unless he has blocked you then I’m not sure this is “ghosting” maybe he’s thinking about it?

Mapleunicorn · 10/10/2023 17:04

I would give it a bit more time. Maybe you surprised him and he is thinking about his response. He may well come back and apologise for keeping you hanging, maybe he just isn’t quite ready for the question yet

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 10/10/2023 17:08

Yeah it might be a little early but everyday he normally sends a morning message or some sort of message and he hasn’t. It’s gut feeling but I know I won’t hear from him again.

OP posts:
LittlePudding1 · 10/10/2023 17:11

Did you say you see him every day at work?
Maybe he would rather have a conversation in person as could complicate things at work but he's just thinking about what to say

Olika · 10/10/2023 17:14

Are you going to see him at work?

BananaSlug · 10/10/2023 17:19

Think you are jumping the gun a bit, you will see him at work.

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2023 17:29

If he's the sort of person who would do that then you're well shot of him.

It's never good to have to be the one to ask where you stand after months. I'd expect any man who is genuine to tell you he wants to be your boyfriend before the 3 month mark tbh (basically as soon as you start sleeping together. If they haven't made it official after a few tumbles under the covers, then they probably aren't looking for a relationship with you).

But it's good that you summoned the nerve to ask where you stand. We shouldn't let people be wishy washy with us. Maybe he'll surprise you. But imo, someone worthwhile would never let you get to the point where you have to question what you are with them.

Woth the right person, there isn't uneasiness or worry that they don't feel the same or want the same things. Because they are transparent as the thing progresses about what they want.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 10/10/2023 17:54

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2023 17:29

If he's the sort of person who would do that then you're well shot of him.

It's never good to have to be the one to ask where you stand after months. I'd expect any man who is genuine to tell you he wants to be your boyfriend before the 3 month mark tbh (basically as soon as you start sleeping together. If they haven't made it official after a few tumbles under the covers, then they probably aren't looking for a relationship with you).

But it's good that you summoned the nerve to ask where you stand. We shouldn't let people be wishy washy with us. Maybe he'll surprise you. But imo, someone worthwhile would never let you get to the point where you have to question what you are with them.

Woth the right person, there isn't uneasiness or worry that they don't feel the same or want the same things. Because they are transparent as the thing progresses about what they want.

Yeah I get it. We actually hadn’t slept together as I was taking it slow and didn’t want to mess things up. I’ll see him on Friday or Saturday but since he’s ghosted me I won’t chat to him. I thought he was different , he was there for me in ways no one else has . So I know his character and know he’s ghosted me. Happened at the worst time as sadly a friend of mine passed yesterday so maybe I overreacted but I needed to know the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 10/10/2023 17:55

LittlePudding1 · 10/10/2023 17:11

Did you say you see him every day at work?
Maybe he would rather have a conversation in person as could complicate things at work but he's just thinking about what to say

I will but without being outing as to what we do I might not. He’ll be on shift but might not be in my department.

OP posts:
Olika · 10/10/2023 18:00

This reminded me of what my DH told me about a woman he was dating before we met. They were dating and few months down the line she asked him where they were heading with their dating and this made my DH feel like he was loosing his freedom so he ended it. He would have much rather seen where that dating was organically going. Well, her loss lol

workshy46 · 10/10/2023 18:06

I think if you are confused they are not that interested. In my experience you know when someone is. He probably hasn't ghosted you, you will probably get some non committal reply but yeah he's not that into you and after three months he should know whether he is keen or not so I would move on personally

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 10/10/2023 18:10

workshy46 · 10/10/2023 18:06

I think if you are confused they are not that interested. In my experience you know when someone is. He probably hasn't ghosted you, you will probably get some non committal reply but yeah he's not that into you and after three months he should know whether he is keen or not so I would move on personally

I know he was interested but sadly I’ve realised he doesn’t see me long term and that’s ok . I kinda regret asking now but it needed to be done. Time to move on I guess.

OP posts:
obje · 10/10/2023 18:11

Olika · 10/10/2023 18:00

This reminded me of what my DH told me about a woman he was dating before we met. They were dating and few months down the line she asked him where they were heading with their dating and this made my DH feel like he was loosing his freedom so he ended it. He would have much rather seen where that dating was organically going. Well, her loss lol

If you ask a man where he sees things going after 3 months and he panics about losing his freedom, it's highly unlikely that everything would have worked out if you hadn't asked.

If OPs feelings were mutual it wouldn't have freaked him out.

I'd replace "her loss" - with "lucky escape"

If someone isn't willing to be exclusive or bf/gf after 3 months of dating and seeing each other daily then I wouldn't be wasting any more of my time on them.

OP please don't feel like you've caused this by asking. It was perfectly reasonable to want to know. If you hadn't asked it would only have delayed the inevitable and wasted even more of your time. You deserve more than someone who can't be honest about what he wants.

Also, if I met a guy who had previously ghosted a friend to avoid this conversation it would be a massive red flag tbh. He needs to grow a pair of balls and be honest about how he feels instead of ghosting.

Sorry to hear about your loss OP Flowers

MachinesOfGod · 10/10/2023 18:16

Classic avoidant attachment style. They love to love bomb and sell you this beautiful fantasy of love and magic, but as soon as they feel things are starting to get more serious they will freak out and either ghost or end it.

samestyle · 10/10/2023 18:46

Don't regret asking him, you needed to know! shame he can't be truthful and tell you it's not what he wants, tbh 3 months is long enough to know, so if he comes back hesitant and trying to string you along further while he decides, I'd leave it, a guy that into you won't second guess it.

Knitgoodwoman · 10/10/2023 19:00

I feel for you Op, 3 months in with any guy I’ve been seeing we’ve always talked about where it’s going, been exclusive etc. it’s not much to ask!
He’s shown you who he really is, time to get busy, get on new dates and move on. It might be hard initially but in a few weeks you’ll be ok.

BananaSlug · 10/10/2023 19:02

The fact you haven’t slept together changes things for me. It’s it possible he was just being a friend so the confession scared him off?

Catoo · 10/10/2023 19:03

Is it possible he thought you were friends if you haven’t slept with each other after 3 months?

acpk55 · 10/10/2023 19:09

BananaSlug · 10/10/2023 19:02

The fact you haven’t slept together changes things for me. It’s it possible he was just being a friend so the confession scared him off?

Yeah, I was thinking this, not sleeping together for 3 months, he’s probably not romantically interested in you

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 10/10/2023 19:10

Oh no sorry we definitely weren’t just friends . We’d kissed, cuddled everything just hadn’t had full blown sex yet as I told him I’d rushed it in my last relationship and wanted to take it slow. I also wanted to be sure he wasn’t seeing anyone else before we did too.

OP posts:
Whalewatchers · 10/10/2023 19:12

I'm glad he didn't ghost you AFTER sleeping with you, that would be far worse. It's a shame he hasn't got the guts to reply.

Millybob · 10/10/2023 19:23

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but back in the day we just went out with someone - didn't need to sign a contract that we were boyfriend/girlfriend or make any status updates. If things chugged along nicely, after a year or so you got engaged and maybe put a notice in the local paper.
You could try calming down?

TomatoSandwiches · 10/10/2023 19:32

In what ways has he been there for you op?

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 10/10/2023 19:39

TomatoSandwiches · 10/10/2023 19:32

In what ways has he been there for you op?

I meant as in he’s done things that no one has before. He showed me his caring side and never once brought me down or made me feel crap until now. None of my own family bothered to visit me in hospital but he did and he took me home when I got discharged etc. basically he was the decent partner I’d never had before.

OP posts: