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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been ghosted after 3 months

97 replies

CharlotteRose90 · 10/10/2023 16:38

Having a bad day and feeling sorry for myself. Finally plucked up the courage to ask the guy I’m dating how he feels and what we are and he’s ghosted me. For reference I met him at work as we see each other pretty much every day and then on days off we were going on dates.

back in July I thought of him as more then a friend so messaged him and since then we were dating . He was even the only person to visit me in hospital over a week ago so does have caring side.. Anyway I’ve been wondering for a while Whether we were classed as boyfriend/girlfriend so decided to ask him last night. He’s completely ghosted me . Tried ringing him and he rejected it. And I know he’s on his phone all the time.

obviously know my answer but it’s sucks. Finally thought I’d found a good one. It’s also brought back a lot of insecurities in me that I thought I’d got over so I’ll be seeking therapy to try and work through them. 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 10/10/2023 19:40

Millybob · 10/10/2023 19:23

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but back in the day we just went out with someone - didn't need to sign a contract that we were boyfriend/girlfriend or make any status updates. If things chugged along nicely, after a year or so you got engaged and maybe put a notice in the local paper.
You could try calming down?

Sadly doesn’t happen like that these days but I am calm thank you

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2023 20:12

To be fair though, it doesn't look like you set the bar high. I mean, checking in on the person you're dating when she is in hospital ams helping her get home if no one else can...that's pretty standard.

Just be careful you're not letting bad experiences make you think someone being nice to you is a big deal. It's normal to be nice. It's a bare minimum.

But they also have to STAY nice. And, you have to be compatible of course.

Blanking you when you've been brave enough to ask where you stand...isn't nice. He's not good enough for you op. Unfortunately, his is a coward.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 10/10/2023 20:46

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2023 20:12

To be fair though, it doesn't look like you set the bar high. I mean, checking in on the person you're dating when she is in hospital ams helping her get home if no one else can...that's pretty standard.

Just be careful you're not letting bad experiences make you think someone being nice to you is a big deal. It's normal to be nice. It's a bare minimum.

But they also have to STAY nice. And, you have to be compatible of course.

Blanking you when you've been brave enough to ask where you stand...isn't nice. He's not good enough for you op. Unfortunately, his is a coward.

No I get what you mean. There is other things he did but I can’t say on here.

I know he had a good heart he’s just not the one for me sadly. I want someone who will communicate with me not ignore me.

OP posts:
DGConsultant · 10/10/2023 20:52

@CharlotteRose90 , Horrible thing, especially as you work together. Ghosting explicable on OLD, but more inexplicable if you actually know the person. Today's culture emphasises inherent disposability and a shop-window mentality, which is pretty awful. To be honest, that kind of ghosting is just plane rude. Best to think of It as he's being rude and give him no more space in your head. Your time is valuable, and that's how I deal with ghosting now.

coolkatt · 10/10/2023 20:52

no hun it's not too early it's actually rude af and your best rid if he is immature enough to not reply.
sorry it bloody sucks, but really, what a dick.
it's not you, it's him. he will come up with some crap excuse his phone was broken, his wi-fi was off his granny's neighbours window cleaner was in the hospital.
if he replies normally any other time then he's just a twat and best u find out now. sorry op but u can do better. i do t know how men think this is acceptable.

coolkatt · 10/10/2023 20:56

Millybob · 10/10/2023 19:23

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but back in the day we just went out with someone - didn't need to sign a contract that we were boyfriend/girlfriend or make any status updates. If things chugged along nicely, after a year or so you got engaged and maybe put a notice in the local paper.
You could try calming down?

yes you are old fashioned and not in a good way

Cupcakekiller · 11/10/2023 10:51

Have you heard from him OP?

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 11/10/2023 13:03

Cupcakekiller · 11/10/2023 10:51

Have you heard from him OP?

Nope. Don’t think I will either. Last night I couldn’t sleep I had all stupid thoughts in my head like what if his phone broke, or if he’s in hospital etc but then my work colleague who knows at all said he was active on social media all day. So that’s it. I’m gutted as I did like him but have to accept it.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 11/10/2023 15:30

One small note in his favour though op...

If someone asked me to be in a relationship with them before we'd had sex I'd be reluctant. I had a partner who seemed lovely but when it came to sex he was completely incompatible and uninterested as to what worked for me. I had to end it and I wish we'd had sex a few times before getting together.

I think that was a fluke tbf as usually you can tell someone will be crap in bed as they are bad kissers (and don't improve) or come accross as selfish in other ways ect... but you just never know. And sometimes it'd just not something that can be worked on and improved.

And he can't exactly say 'we've never even slept together so I can't commit to anything' because he'll sound like a total pig. But sex matters. Especially to guys.

I totally understand wanting to guard yourself of course. It's a bit of a double edge sword.

Tbf he could be one of those weirdos who thought he was rescuing a damaged butterfly. Dating you for the ego boost of seeming 'such a nice guy'. Be careful maybe in future with that. Eg: never tell them of past abuse (if you did I dunno) it can attract bad sorts. And when saying you want to hold of on sex, it's just because you want to. Not because you've 'been hurt before'. It makes you less vulnerable if you're doing it because you know what you want rather than because someone hurt you in the past and yourself still hurting.

Anyway, just thoughts. He clearly isn't a keeper. And certainly don't sleep with him now lol. But just saying, even for you, not for the other person, it's maybe wise to check compatability in the bedroom before commiting. Especially with the number of guys out there mumsnet has us hearing of with porn addictions and erectile dysfunctions as a result out there lol.

CollagenQueen · 11/10/2023 16:52

There's no way I would put a label on a relationship, if we hadn't had sex 12 weeks in. I would assume there was a lack of libido on the other side, and would be incredibly reluctant to commit to anything. I suspect that he doesn't know what to say, because you can't exactly say "You won't have sex with me, so I'm not sure what we are", as that would look as though he was being coercive. I don't necessarily think it's over between you, perhaps more of a case of he doesn't know quite what to say.

IncognitoMam · 11/10/2023 17:00

Lucky escape then. It must be confusing though.

I hope the next one you meet will be emotionally mature.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 11/10/2023 17:01

CollagenQueen · 11/10/2023 16:52

There's no way I would put a label on a relationship, if we hadn't had sex 12 weeks in. I would assume there was a lack of libido on the other side, and would be incredibly reluctant to commit to anything. I suspect that he doesn't know what to say, because you can't exactly say "You won't have sex with me, so I'm not sure what we are", as that would look as though he was being coercive. I don't necessarily think it's over between you, perhaps more of a case of he doesn't know quite what to say.

The sex was agreed on both sides we both wanted to wait. And I’ve been ready for a while we had a weekend away booked for next weekend. I agree I wasn’t asking for him to say yes you’re my girlfriend but I wanted clarity on him actually liking me or wanting it to work. Either way he’s a coward and hasn’t messaged me so it’s done .

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 11/10/2023 17:13

Hope you can get a refund on your trip away. If not, you should go and enjoy it!

You don't think it's possible he might still come over and say he wanted to talk in person? I suppose if it was that then he would have at least texted to let you know :/

Either way he should have had the decency to reply with something. Some people really are such dicks aren't they!

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 11/10/2023 18:04

Pinkbonbon · 11/10/2023 17:13

Hope you can get a refund on your trip away. If not, you should go and enjoy it!

You don't think it's possible he might still come over and say he wanted to talk in person? I suppose if it was that then he would have at least texted to let you know :/

Either way he should have had the decency to reply with something. Some people really are such dicks aren't they!

He paid for it so he can go, get a refund or do whatever with it. Not my problem anymore.

noo he sadly won’t talk to me . Also looks like I won’t see him in work soon. I’ve been admitted to hospital this afternoon with a flare up of my ulcerative colitis. So no idea how long I’ll be kept in as stress makes my condition worse sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 11/10/2023 21:24

Beyond struggling tonight. I can’t stop crying. But I keep getting angry. Feel like I want to message saying he’s a coward and this and that but it won’t change anything.

OP posts:
Chevii · 11/10/2023 21:32

He's a prick you will find someone who will appreciate you

LightSpeeds · 11/10/2023 21:38

Gosh, how horrible for you.

It seems to be pretty common these days to just stop communicating and block your partner (or person you've been seeing for a while) rather than actually tell them it's over.

Many people don't seem to have the manners or decency to tell you to your face that it isn't working for them. Somehow, it adds to the pain of an ending (it certainly makes you feel that you've been treated like shit, and the other person goes down in your estimation even if they seemed pretty decent before).

So sorry you're in hospital too with UC. I hope someone's visiting you and that you can have a big old box of chocs to cheer yourself up! xx

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 11/10/2023 21:40

CharlotteRose90 · 11/10/2023 21:24

Beyond struggling tonight. I can’t stop crying. But I keep getting angry. Feel like I want to message saying he’s a coward and this and that but it won’t change anything.

You still have your dignity. Keep it.

BananaSlug · 11/10/2023 21:48

They weren’t partners though. I’m sorry you’re struggling op but don’t message him.

MsRosley · 11/10/2023 21:59

I'm so sorry, OP. But at least you now know you escaped being with an arsehole, and not the super nice guy you thought he was.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 11/10/2023 22:16

Definitely won’t message him, I’ve took him off all forms of social media. It was too tempting to keep checking when he was online etc . I just hate that the stress of this has caused me to flare up and be ill. I feel dreadful and no pain relief is kicking in

OP posts:
Lostcotter · 12/10/2023 00:32

Being ghosted sucks and hope you feel better soon.

You’re doing the right thing by not messaging him. If he doesn’t get in contact very soon to explain himself and answer your question it’s clear you had a lucky escape.

He should be able to commit to bf/gf or at least confirm if he sees things heading that way before you have had sex. You are hardly asking for an engagement ring. and I don’t think 3 months is an extraordinary long time to wait for sex anyway when you’re still in the dating/seeing each other stage.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 12/10/2023 00:51

Well I’ve done something stupid and sent him a message. All I said was, I never had you down as a coward, if you wanted to break up all I would have appreciated is a simple message would have hurt a lot less then being ghosted.

he won’t reply and I feel daft but felt like I needed to send it.

OP posts:
SquirrelFeeder · 12/10/2023 02:20

CharlotteRose90 · 12/10/2023 00:51

Well I’ve done something stupid and sent him a message. All I said was, I never had you down as a coward, if you wanted to break up all I would have appreciated is a simple message would have hurt a lot less then being ghosted.

he won’t reply and I feel daft but felt like I needed to send it.

Don't say anything else OP. In the kindest way possible, you're starting to sound a bit obsessive. Don't give him a reason to shift any 'blame' on to you.

Burntouted · 12/10/2023 02:43

Unless there is an actual conversation about being in a relationship in which both parties mutually agree to,

You are single and perhaps so is he.

Hanging out and perhaps communicating often does not equal a relationship. Relationships are not implied, they are discussed and agreed upon mutually.

If you're doing "this" often. ..asking him about status, and perhaps "suffocating " him with ringing, texting his mobile, hanging out often, being clingy etc... maybe he just needs space from you.

It's only been 3 months, imo that's too soon for a relationship. What is wrong with developing more of a friendship over the course of 6 months to a year??

Why are you saying that someone who hasn't spoken to you for a day is ghosting you??

He has a life. His world doesn't revolve or center around you. Anything could have come up.

If you feel like he's ghosted you, I'm sorry...but please respect his decision and try to move on..

Also, the next time you perhaps like someone..take it easy and slow down.. Also allow people space.