Been ghosted after 3 months

[CharlotteRose90]

Having a bad day and feeling sorry for myself. Finally plucked up the courage to ask the guy I’m dating how he feels and what we are and he’s ghosted me. For reference I met him at work as we see each other pretty much every day and then on days off we were going on dates.

back in July I thought of him as more then a friend so messaged him and since then we were dating . He was even the only person to visit me in hospital over a week ago so does have caring side.. Anyway I’ve been wondering for a while Whether we were classed as boyfriend/girlfriend so decided to ask him last night. He’s completely ghosted me . Tried ringing him and he rejected it. And I know he’s on his phone all the time.

obviously know my answer but it’s sucks. Finally thought I’d found a good one. It’s also brought back a lot of insecurities in me that I thought I’d got over so I’ll be seeking therapy to try and work through them. 😩

Hey OP, I really feel for you.

I'm sorry this has happened and I truly understand it's painful. I do believe what is meant to be will be so you will move on and find your person. Take care of yourself first and foremost, your health really matters. When you feel well enough and you're out of hospital - do something good/special for yourself and take things easy.

I, like you, would have asked this guy where things were going and where we both stood. Don't beat yourself up, we live and we learn.

Thinking of you x

That's fair enough. You're tall anyway so it seems fair to want someone taller. And 'sexy' is subjective. One hobby is a bit random lol but it hardly seems like you're shooting for the moon.

...Well...maybe on intelligence...that's in short supply with people in general these days.

I've never asked a bloke where things were going it was usually obvious. I've been married twice and on both occasions we discussed marriage. Always in person. Important things should be spoken not typed.

This man is an absolute head fuck. He’s just texted me and said if you still want to be friends I’m open to it. Nothing else and no reply to anything. Wow. I’m not replying I’ll eventually speak to him face to face in work when I return back .

Block him. And move on.

He sounds like a piece of work.

I guess he wants a FWB but can't even discuss what he wants.

Get well soon and i hope you find someone better!

Don't ever have this conversation via text again. It's one for in person.

Indeed.

From his point of view he was airing to respond, maybe in person (I am assuming busy nhs professional) and you blocked him on all social media and sent him a nasty text.

He probably just wasn't sure /wanted to not define things right now and you have just stopped any chance he could have waited a week or so and then say yes he wanted that (or perhaps no he didn't)

But you'll never know now. I don't think he was a total bastard here-we'd not say that about a woman who took a few days to respond to a "where is this going" chat as she wanted to discuss in person.

maybe who knows. He’s the type that keeps quiet to avoid arguments. We aren’t nhs staff either we work for the same airline.

I’ll try and speak to him about it when I’m back at work but I’m moving on . I want someone that is open with feelings and knowing what they want etc.

I feel for you. He acted as if you were partners and (possibly) is now withdrawing. Quite mixed messages, isn't it.

In this moment it feels like he's avoiding you, but honestly, just let this one ride, give him space and the ball is in his court. Try not to jump to conclusions just yet. If things stay the same in a week's time, then you have your answer but in only a matter of hours, it isn't yet clear that he's having second thoughts.

Oh, you have your answer. Damn.

sorry

I think it is very strange that you posed such an important question as a text. And then you didn't just wait; your friend might have wanted to address your query when you met.

Next boyfriend try speaking directly and ernestly, in person.

Regardless, I don't see this one as a coward. It was early days and you were taking things slow so I don't know why having an answer within 24 hours was key.

OP, if a woman posted here that she’d been seeing a bloke for three months, that they were taking things slowly, hadn’t yet slept together etc and he’d texted her to ask if this was going somewhere, that she wanted to think about it and maybe have a face to face conversation, and that he had then sent her a message essentially saying “fuck you then if you’re too cowardly to respond” and then blocked her, everyone would be saying that by doing that he had shown his true colours.and it was a good thing she hadn’t responded yet because she was well rid.

Certainly no-one would be suggesting that she even tell him they could be friends.

This bloke hasn’t instantly responded when you’ve asked him, by text, where the relationship is going, and you’ve essentially sent him a “fuck you thn” message.

And now you’re pissed off because he hasn’t come back with an apology or the response you want? You’re lucky he even wants to be friends. You’ve essentially said you don’t want to be with him now anyway with your last text, so why on earth would he want to tell you it was going somewhere? Even if that was what he was thinking?

You’ve burned your bridges with your last text and frankly I don’t blame him. In fact I would be telling him at this point he’d had a lucky escape.

I think it’s absolutely fine to ask where a relationship is going. But face to face not by text.

I think that essentially sending a fuck you to someone who doesn’t instantly respond shows him why he was wise not to respond and that he’s best off out of it.

It's not insignificant that you've been really ill the last few months. It sounds like he was being a gentleman and not pressuring you into making relationship decisions and not taking you at your word about getting serious while you're so vulnerable, which is kind and sensible. And then you've created drama by texting him he's a coward! You've fucked up. Face it. Don't message him again. Try and chat in person in future if you can to clear the air.

No, I think if he has been serious about her he’d have texted back straight away as that’s what he normally does. Even to say hey let’s chat about this in person. There is no way he’d leave her hanging like that.

It would be convenient for him to now act like it’s the “coward” text that put him off, but he wasn’t seriously invested to begin with or it would take more than one rude text based on what he’d see as a hurt misunderstanding for him to call time immediately. If I felt someone I was seeing had misinterpreted my silence on a text for something negative and sent me an annoyed follow up message, sure I might be irritated and call them out but I would also correct the misunderstanding.

He clearly didn’t see this going anywhere, and there was no misunderstanding. He didn’t reply because he didn’t think you’d like the (honest) reply. So no OP you didn’t ruin anything with the “coward” text but I do agree it was unnecessary and pointless, and also that this should have been an in-person conversation to start with.

It gives people less opportunity to be evasive and play games etc if you look them in the eye and ask them a serious question.

I find any form of texting in the early days is so fraught with misunderstandings, it's best to keep the serious stuff until you're face to face. There never used to be a concept of ghosting because it was either a telephone conversation with your mum or dad listening in and making faces about the phone bill or face to face with nothing in between

there's too much comms nowadays which sets an unrealistic expectation of an immediate response.

Nope, nope NOOOOPE. Anyone posting and shaming you or making you at all in the wrong here is entirely bang out of order.

you get to ask what you need to ask. Period. You get to set parameters for yourself, your needs, your life.

by not responding, he showed you he is not yet an adult. It hurts, yes, but it truly is that simple. Grown adults can have conversations. Grown adults who are ready for mature relationships can talk about things even if they disagree, even if it’s uncomfortable, and even if they don’t feel the same way or want things to look differently.

it wasnt, as a prior poster said, because you didn’t have sex, ffs- what an absolutely dreadful reply, as if you somehow “messed up” by not being fully intimate with someone who can’t even respect you enough or be adult enough to have a simple conversation?!

oh fuck no. OP, this guy was going to do this- it doesn’t matter if it was now, or two years from now.

you are so so fortunate to have not wasted any more of your time, energy, body, and heart on him.

he needs to grow up, or any woman who is with him will just wind up being a mother.

(I speak from experience, and it is not pleasant to date an avoider - they eventually also lie to avoid conflict.)

I hope you feel better soon, OP. I think you’re far better off having weeded out this guy, by honoring and valuing yourself. Hold your head up, you have done well in every respect (yes, even the message after. Because we all have feelings, and he did indeed behave like a coward.)

But they need to work together occasionally

Far more civil to have had the chat face to face , maybe both agree "to be friends" and then part politely

Then both sides can give a polite hello when see each other next in the park and not it be all awkward

Good for you, you asked an adult question... Where's this dating going? And he could have said 'let's keep as is' or let's stay friends. Easy.

It's very anti feminist for women on here to shame you, call you clingy etc etc, for asking an adult question and expecting an adult answer, not a teenage response.

There's no pressure in just asking, you're not proposing FGS and it's not like it was the 2nd date. Him being prepared to wait suggested it was more than a fling.

If he can't respond with his opinion he's pretty immature and you can stop wasting your time on him.

Thank you for people’s advice I’m grateful for it all. Now I’ve had the time to rest and think I know I did the right thing. He was a coward and I called him out on it. He didn’t message me and I knew he wouldn’t. He thought I’d just fade into the background and pretend nothing ever happened and I won’t.

I had or have feelings for him and I am hurt. Me deleting him on social media is my way of protecting myself, it hurt seeing him online knowing that he wasn’t messaging me. He still had my number clearly to message me I didn’t block him.

dating is hard these days and I’m getting older. I want to find a guy that’s open and honest and knows what he wants. That’s not much to ask .

This 100%. I'd not want to discuss where a relationship is going via text either if I'm honest. Whether I knew it was likely to be the answer the other person wanted or not. If I got a text like that I'd take it the other person was hinting to me that they wanted to end things.

It's all sounding rather juvenile and reactive.
I think the OP is better off without this bloke though as after 3 months it should be obvious if a relationship is progressing or not. If the OP didn't know how this bloke felt about her he probably wasn't that bothered but it does sound as though it escalated from no sex as taking it slow to "where is this relationship going give me an answer asap" in a rather weird way.