Page 3 | Been ghosted after 3 months

CharlotteRose90 · 2023-10-10T15:38:26+00:00

Having a bad day and feeling sorry for myself. Finally plucked up the courage to ask the guy I’m dating how he feels and what we are and he’s ghosted me. For reference I met him at work as we see each other pretty much every day and then on days off we were going on dates. back in July I thought of him as more then a friend so messaged him and since then we were dating . He was even the only person to visit me in hospital over a week ago so does have caring side.. Anyway I’ve been wondering for a while Whether we were classed as boyfriend/girlfriend so decided to ask him last night. He’s completely ghosted me . Tried ringing him and he rejected it. And I know he’s on his phone all the time. obviously know my answer but it’s sucks. Finally thought I’d found a good one. It’s also brought back a lot of insecurities in me that I thought I’d got over so I’ll be seeking therapy to try and work through them. 😩

Burntouted · 12/10/2023 02:47

Please leave him alone.

Also, that text is creepy...seeing how you two never were in a relationship.

Please move on. You're not entitled to an explanation, his time, his energy, you are not entitled to a response, you aren't entitled to a spot in his life, etc...

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 12/10/2023 03:07

Burntouted · 12/10/2023 02:43

Unless there is an actual conversation about being in a relationship in which both parties mutually agree to,

You are single and perhaps so is he.

Hanging out and perhaps communicating often does not equal a relationship. Relationships are not implied, they are discussed and agreed upon mutually.

If you're doing "this" often. ..asking him about status, and perhaps "suffocating " him with ringing, texting his mobile, hanging out often, being clingy etc... maybe he just needs space from you.

It's only been 3 months, imo that's too soon for a relationship. What is wrong with developing more of a friendship over the course of 6 months to a year??

Why are you saying that someone who hasn't spoken to you for a day is ghosting you??

He has a life. His world doesn't revolve or center around you. Anything could have come up.

If you feel like he's ghosted you, I'm sorry...but please respect his decision and try to move on..

Also, the next time you perhaps like someone..take it easy and slow down.. Also allow people space.

With respect you have no idea what I am like or him. I wasn’t clingy at all. I don’t do constant texts, ringing or anything. And I certainly hadn’t asked about the status of us until the other day.

I am entitled to know where we stand after 3 months of dating . It’s been 48 hours now which yes I agree is short but I know he has ghosted me by his usual texts that he normally sends.

next time you want to give someone a personal attack make sure you know the facts.

OP posts:

momonpurpose · 12/10/2023 03:27

Burntouted · 12/10/2023 02:47

Please leave him alone.

Also, that text is creepy...seeing how you two never were in a relationship.

Please move on. You're not entitled to an explanation, his time, his energy, you are not entitled to a response, you aren't entitled to a spot in his life, etc...

I wish you had saved your self respect and not sent that message. Hopefully this will be a learning experience of what not to do in the future sadly

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2023 04:00

Tbh op, I would have messaged him too. Cowards don't deserve to slink away unchallenged imo. Make it uncomfortable for them as possible I say. Maybe then they'll at least have the decency to be honest to the next woman instead of ghosting her.

I don't agree that it should make you lose self respect. There's an weird narrative these days around not wanting to appear like the weak one. I say so long as you can speak your truth and have done with them, you'll always be able to hold your head up high. It's strong to be able to say 'yes you've hurt me, and that's not ok, so go fuck yourself because I deserve better'.

Pretending you are not hurt or do not care about their actions 48 hours after they treat you like shit, is fooling no one. It's OK to hurt. This way you're taking back control and saying 'OK, but fuck you right back at you'. Now you can delete and block and not spend anymore headrace on them thinking about things like closure. Because you've closed the book yourself.

I don't believe in putting up and shutting up when people treat you like crap. Leave them yes, but give them a big 'fuck you' on the way out too I say. Make a noise. Make them uncomfortable. Wankers shouldn't get off easy. And standing up for yourself isn't 'unbecoming', it's simply being your own champion. As we all should be.

anon12345anon · 12/10/2023 04:06

Millybob · 10/10/2023 19:23

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but back in the day we just went out with someone - didn't need to sign a contract that we were boyfriend/girlfriend or make any status updates. If things chugged along nicely, after a year or so you got engaged and maybe put a notice in the local paper.
You could try calming down?

Bit patronising to the OP.....

I don't think you've done anything wrong @CharlotteRose90 He sounds like a spineless loser.
Onwards and upwards....

junbean · 12/10/2023 04:56

This is a reflection of him, not you. He's cowardly and not worthy of you. This is who he is and you need to accept it. You haven't done anything wrong and there's nothing wrong with you. Give it some time to heal over and then move on and hopefully find someone who doesn't treat you like garbage.

MayThe4th · 12/10/2023 05:53

Op, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to know if a relationship is heading if you don’t potentially want to become someone’s casual shag.

I do think it’s sad that we have got to a point in society that if a relationship hasn’t formally been agreed it’s seemingly ok to do what you want with whoever you want and anyone who takes issue with that is seemingly in the wrong.

I think that if you’re being physically intimate with someone, even if you’re not having sex then it’s perfectly ok to hope that the other person isn’t having these days/nights/kissing sessions with multiple other people.

Back in the day anyone who behaved like that was called a player/womaniser. Now it seems that the woman has become even less valued in this arrangement by having to beg for the relationship or put up with what the man wants to give her.

Fuck that.

GoldenSpangles · 12/10/2023 05:53

I think it was perhaps fair enough to send that text as good manners should have made him reply to your original question.

As grim as it might be, I do think mature men (i.e. not young teenagers) don't really consider somebody as being a "girlfriend" till they've had sex. On the other hand, women might rather like to know if they are in the running to be a girlfriend before they have sex. I think conversations of these sort are rather ill advised. I know people bang on about the importance of communication but I think it is seriously overrated in terms of romantic relationships. Men tend to dread the conversation that follows when a woman says, "we have to talk".

My view is that if you have to ask if you are his girlfriend, you already know the answer and you're not. In my experience, men will casually reference in conversations that you are a girlfriend if that is how they think of you. They will take you out on dates (not expect to lounge on your sofa catching up on Netflix of an evening), and introduce you to friends and family as his girlfriend.

Of course, I came to this realisation after making an utter fool of myself about some man who turned out to be an utter swine. It really shouldn't be this hard. I was engaged within a year of going out with my now husband and it was just really easy - no dramas, no need to talk things through etc.

My other mantra in relation to failed relationships was "on to the next one." I once told my male flatmate I was really upset about the relationship with the swine failing and he said but Spangles you've been out with three different men this week. I just said it's important not to stay home and brood! After all, it was not that long afterwards that my husband to be returned home to find me in his living room because I knew his flatmate (a totally platonic friend).

I hope you're feeling better soon and don't give him the power to make you this upset. I'd maintain a dignified silence from now on about the whole matter and never contact him again.

MsRosley · 12/10/2023 08:39

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2023 04:00

Tbh op, I would have messaged him too. Cowards don't deserve to slink away unchallenged imo. Make it uncomfortable for them as possible I say. Maybe then they'll at least have the decency to be honest to the next woman instead of ghosting her.

I don't agree that it should make you lose self respect. There's an weird narrative these days around not wanting to appear like the weak one. I say so long as you can speak your truth and have done with them, you'll always be able to hold your head up high. It's strong to be able to say 'yes you've hurt me, and that's not ok, so go fuck yourself because I deserve better'.

Pretending you are not hurt or do not care about their actions 48 hours after they treat you like shit, is fooling no one. It's OK to hurt. This way you're taking back control and saying 'OK, but fuck you right back at you'. Now you can delete and block and not spend anymore headrace on them thinking about things like closure. Because you've closed the book yourself.

I don't believe in putting up and shutting up when people treat you like crap. Leave them yes, but give them a big 'fuck you' on the way out too I say. Make a noise. Make them uncomfortable. Wankers shouldn't get off easy. And standing up for yourself isn't 'unbecoming', it's simply being your own champion. As we all should be.

Agree with this.

WillGT · 12/10/2023 08:46

CharlotteRose90 · 12/10/2023 00:51

Well I’ve done something stupid and sent him a message. All I said was, I never had you down as a coward, if you wanted to break up all I would have appreciated is a simple message would have hurt a lot less then being ghosted.

he won’t reply and I feel daft but felt like I needed to send it.

One thing that bad boys enjoy is giving low energy input and then on a whim if they feel bored / horny, sending an out of blue messenger to get the ghosted girl to drop everything and come running.

The extraordinary thing is, many of these women will do exactly as he wants, despite the fact these women have many other opportunities to date the nice kinda average guys they just endlessly ignore.

Change the type of guy you’re choosing, or carry-on getting what you keep getting

Worddance · 12/10/2023 08:48

Get well soon op.

WillGT · 12/10/2023 08:51

And something else; The phrase used by millions of women online when discussing daring is ‘don’t settle girl, you deserve only the best’.

This implies all women are entitled to the very top 3% pool of guys, which implies 100% of women have to somehow share that top 3%.

I am mates with middle aged long term single women with this ‘I wont settle’ mindset. The problem is NO guy they can attract is good enough.

Janieforever · 12/10/2023 09:07

Oh op. You only texted him as you were hoping he’d respond and say oh no I’ve been busy or something, or for him to give you attention.

what he’s done is horrible, but you need to retain your dignity and not chase him, online stalk him, or sit obsessing over him. The feelings will pass.

Catoo · 12/10/2023 13:27

CharlotteRose90 · 12/10/2023 00:51

Well I’ve done something stupid and sent him a message. All I said was, I never had you down as a coward, if you wanted to break up all I would have appreciated is a simple message would have hurt a lot less then being ghosted.

he won’t reply and I feel daft but felt like I needed to send it.

This is a shame OP
You have now insulted him and told him you are hurt. Please don’t send him anything else, it will just confirm to him that he made the right decision to walk away. If that’s what he wanted to do. If he is ever going to be back in your life, give him all the space he needs. In the meantime rebuild your life.

Treat yourself to some nice things over the next week or two. Could you consider a couple of counselling sessions to help you work out why you are finding it so hard to accept this might be the end of this relatively short relationship/friendship? You can get these online via zoom if you are still in hospital and can’t get to see someone in person. I did this myself some time ago after a short and intense relationship (where I was suddenly dropped) and it helped.

Be kind to yourself and I hope your UC calms down soon. 💐

Divebar2021 · 12/10/2023 13:48

WillGT · 12/10/2023 08:51

And something else; The phrase used by millions of women online when discussing daring is ‘don’t settle girl, you deserve only the best’.

This implies all women are entitled to the very top 3% pool of guys, which implies 100% of women have to somehow share that top 3%.

I am mates with middle aged long term single women with this ‘I wont settle’ mindset. The problem is NO guy they can attract is good enough.

What are you talking about ? That’s complete Andrew Tate style BS. There is no 3% of “top” men because there’s no agreement of what constitutes “top”. Amazingly we are all different and we all admire / desire different qualities in our partners. When women talk about holding out for the perfect man they’re talking about a man who is perfect for them. And that looks different for all of us.

Epidote · 12/10/2023 13:56

He is not a good one if he did that.

He may be finding courage to tell you. Or he may be just not interested.

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 12/10/2023 14:18

I have a slight update. He did reply to my message calling him a coward. Woke up to a message today saying coward? And that’s it. I haven’t replied and I don’t plan too. Would just get into a massive argument and I’m too ill for that sadly. My consultant has said the stress has set my flare off so I’m to keep calm.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 12/10/2023 14:31

People are right he doesn’t owe me anything. I guess I just thought after 4 years of working together, 3 months of dating and the fact we have mutual friends etc that he would have the balls to send me a message and say it’s not working. Yes we weren’t in a relationship but I’ve never ghosted anyone I’ve dated. It’s the polite thing to do just send a simple message.

but that’s me i guess will just have the fun of seeing him in work and ignoring any conversation that’s not work related .

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2023 15:01

WillGT · 12/10/2023 08:51

And something else; The phrase used by millions of women online when discussing daring is ‘don’t settle girl, you deserve only the best’.

This implies all women are entitled to the very top 3% pool of guys, which implies 100% of women have to somehow share that top 3%.

I am mates with middle aged long term single women with this ‘I wont settle’ mindset. The problem is NO guy they can attract is good enough.

Thats not usually what what women mean though when they say 'don't settle' though.

There's an honestly, rather incel mindset that when women say they won't settle that it somehow means anything to do with careers and money and being handsome.

Most women (with the exception of narcissists - which you may be dealing with with your mate btw) mean they want someone respectful, kind, who takes care of their personal grooming and who can hold down a job. They're not looking for the top 3 percent of men. Unless you think only the top 3 percent of men are financially solvent, well groomed and nice human beings.

With the exception of maybe doctors and similar who may want to date men as accomplished as them, most women couldn't give a figs fart about a mans job so long as he has one and keeps it. We also, tend to be less interested in looks than men.

So don't perpetuate this 3% nonsense. You do both men and women a disservice by implying women arent allowed to have standards without being gold diggers and that men aren't worthy of women simply by being decent members of society.

On the rare occasion you find a woman talking about not settling for less than tom cruise with a golden willy, you're usually dealing with a narcissist you should avoid like the plague. Or some sort of fantasist at the very least.

2Rebecca · 12/10/2023 16:17

This is the sort of decision you have face to face not by text. He maybe wasn't sure what he felt and was waiting to discuss it at the weekend. You seem to have wanted a rapid answer to a complex question he maybe didn't know the answer to. Calling him a coward will have finished things though. I suspect if you didn't fancy him enough to sleep with him after 3 months it wasn't going anywhere anyway, assuming he wanted to sleep with you.

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 12/10/2023 16:57

2Rebecca · 12/10/2023 16:17

This is the sort of decision you have face to face not by text. He maybe wasn't sure what he felt and was waiting to discuss it at the weekend. You seem to have wanted a rapid answer to a complex question he maybe didn't know the answer to. Calling him a coward will have finished things though. I suspect if you didn't fancy him enough to sleep with him after 3 months it wasn't going anywhere anyway, assuming he wanted to sleep with you.

If he’d have spoken to me face to Face id have done that but the fact that he didn’t even message speaks wonders. I did fancy him and I know he fancied me but there is a reason for not sleeping together which I wasn’t saying but since it’s been brought up. I had an operation on my stomach 8 weeks ago so while I still have the healing wounds I didn’t want to risk hurting myself through sex. He understood and was prepared to wait .

OP posts:

WillGT · 12/10/2023 17:40

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2023 15:01

Thats not usually what what women mean though when they say 'don't settle' though.

There's an honestly, rather incel mindset that when women say they won't settle that it somehow means anything to do with careers and money and being handsome.

Most women (with the exception of narcissists - which you may be dealing with with your mate btw) mean they want someone respectful, kind, who takes care of their personal grooming and who can hold down a job. They're not looking for the top 3 percent of men. Unless you think only the top 3 percent of men are financially solvent, well groomed and nice human beings.

With the exception of maybe doctors and similar who may want to date men as accomplished as them, most women couldn't give a figs fart about a mans job so long as he has one and keeps it. We also, tend to be less interested in looks than men.

So don't perpetuate this 3% nonsense. You do both men and women a disservice by implying women arent allowed to have standards without being gold diggers and that men aren't worthy of women simply by being decent members of society.

On the rare occasion you find a woman talking about not settling for less than tom cruise with a golden willy, you're usually dealing with a narcissist you should avoid like the plague. Or some sort of fantasist at the very least.

Edited

Show quote history

OK so go read the bios of women on an app like Illicit Encounters, you will see the most common demands are that he should be;

Taller than her in heels, usually around 5.10 +.

Broad / rugged.

Full head of hair.

Confident but not arrogant.

Solvent, able to enjoy life.

Sane, empathetic, smart, FUNNY.

Well dressed.

Thats a very typical man menu & if you careful analyse this, it is indeed a small proportion of available men.

Ergo pretty unrealistc

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2023 20:20

And you think the women on 'illicit encounters' are representative of thr female population?! Lmao.

They are woman who are currently looking for a shag! Of course they're looking for a hottie. Because it's a short term fantasy!

The same with many people when they're on dating sites like tinder.

You can't equate what people want for a fling with what they want in a relationship.

Not to mention, dating sites are rife with narcissists. Normal people wouldnt dream of writing they only date men over 5ft10 on their profiles (unless maybe they are 5ft 8 amd they like men a little taller than then, which, is fair enough). If you see people writing that shit, you give them the wide swerve as they're dickheads. The same as men who write they only date size 8 women. You don't generalise to all women being shallow as fuck!

2Rebecca · 12/10/2023 21:14

I'm 5'8 and have rarely dated a man under 5'10 and they have to be solvent with a good work ethic, intelligent and have at least 1 hobby. And very sexy of vourse

FiddleLeaf · 12/10/2023 21:22

Sorry you’ve been duped by this plonker but congratulations you found out now. With all the horror stories on here… you had a lucky escape!

3 months is not too soon to talk about being in a relationship so good for you for being proactive.