Creepy uncle confused what to do

[Confused947]

Hey, so very sad and distressed by the below and apart from one friend, haven’t been able to discuss this in detail with anyone. I’m not sure what to do moving forward.

I have an uncle that I always thought was a nice person and respected, I never thought of him as creepy but we weren’t particularly close although he is close to a couple of my siblings and their children. I’m in my 40s.

A Couple of years ago my uncle was going through some grief and at a family gathering I spoke to him for about two minutes in an attempt to offer some comfort. My advice was spiritual and he was really angry as he hates anything spiritual. I felt so awful afterwards and reached out a couple of months later to offer an apology, and said that I understand that although it helped others involved, that it was not something he got any comfort from, that I clearly made it worse, and that I am sorry.

This is where it got weird. He responded saying as long as I keep my beliefs out of any interactions with him, all is good. Then he said he should delete my number as all he sends on messages is rude memes that I probably wouldn’t approve of. I said that why doesn’t he just keep my number and not send me that stuff. He proceeded to send me stuff daily, some was funny, some was just not what an uncle sends to a niece and I ignored those ones. Then the conversations took a turn, from general chats about family and current affairs where I thought I was actually building a bond with my uncle, he started to make suggestive inappropriate remarks about my attractiveness, a connection between us, and whether what I believe spiritually allows for things between us. He said things like that I probably need sex, I’ve been single a long time and what do I do to “sort myself out. I felt obviously very sick and like I’d entered some kind of other reality. His jibes went on until eventually I told him it is disgusting and that it’s like he’s my dad and why would he even say this stuff to me. He said well thanks you’ve made it clear now that you don’t feel the same, and I needed you to make that clear. Because he’s my uncle I didn’t delete and block and hoped to just get rid of it out of my head, so he sent memes and current affairs and family stuff and I would respond, but he kept coming back to that so eventually I just stopped replying to anything he said. First time seeing his the other day, and he looked so ashamed, so I was warm towards him and sent a message to at evening saying I know he was grieving so I hold nothing against him, and he’s still my uncle. He said he wasn’t embarrassed but thought I might be and all he said still stands!!! I said, I wasn’t embarrassed, I was embarrassed for you. So then I said to him, I’m very concerned now about the other women and girls in our family, and I used to massively respect you. (I know he texts some of my young nieces) he backtracked saying he did all of this to make me angry “the way I made him angry with my spiritual stuff”

I really don’t want him anywhere near the girls in my family. I know I am a lot older than a child or teenager, but surely he should still see me that way as he’s my uncle and held me as a baby?

if I share this with any family members it will blow the whole family apart, I’m really very heartbroken. What would you do in this situation?

Sorry if that came across as harsh, OP.

I'm sure it's horrible being in the position you're in BUT that doesn't affect your responsibilities to younger females in your family.

@Confused947 my father in law is similar in character to your uncle. Thankfully none of his family has anything to do with him anymore. These characters exist, they are at the absolute extremes of shitty personalities, you have to have rock solid boundaries with them. And yes you have been groomed, it happens that is what they do.

One other thing I will say though is my brother is an actual paedophile and my parents have neither accepted it nor reacted appropriately and that commonly happens in families too. I would start telling on the safest people and present them with evidence and your story because it is very common for families to side with abusers.

You have to tell the parents of the minors he's grooming. You know that don't you OP. Because it will come out eventually and you will never be forgiven when they find out you knew.

I've got an uncle like this. Luckily he lives abroad but he came over here years ago for a family funeral and we stayed in touch afterwards. I stopped answering his calls after he started talking about his sexual exploits to me - he started oversharing and I didn't want to hear it, it knocked me sick. Plus he started hinting about coming over to stay for a few weeks and I had 2 teenage DDs at the time - absolutely no chance!

None of this is your fault OP - I can see how you've got into this situation. My uncle didn't talk like that right at the beginning, it was a slow process, a dripping effect where he started to say 'odd' stuff occasionally which I would raise an eyebrow about but wasn't in your face sexual...until it was. He then invited me to stay at his abroad but specifically asked me not to being my DH....nope! He was definitely a predator so I cut contact with him. In my case there was no family to warn because none of them speak to him anyway, including his own adult kids.

I don't think you can keep this to yourself OP because you know he's having regular contact with your nieces; you know the type of person he is so you have a duty to warn those around you. I'm sorry he's put you in this position, you certainly haven't given him the 'green light' - I understand how awkward it is to deal with when a family member starts being a weird fucker, but you don't need to 'be kind' and forgive predatory males, you owe him nothing.

You have to say something.

I would be sending the screenshots to all the adults in the family, especially any with children. If you don't let them know, and something happens with one of your nieces you will never forgive yourself.

Thanks everyone for your comments. To those who say I’m trolling are you actually serious? Just don’t comment at all if you’ve nothing helpful to say. Like one of the other posters said, he just started with dropping the odd thing into the conversation until it became more overt and I pulled him up on it, and then stopped responding to him when he continued to drop this stuff in but worse stuff, he’s my uncle! If he was some man that liked me I’d have been very sharp with him, this was much harder being blindsided by an uncle I always respected that I had no idea could ever turn like this. I’m in my 40s, my dilemma is is he a danger to children or just a pervert with women, I’m not a child, but obviously would expect him to see me kind of in that way seeing as I’m his niece. So to me no it wasn’t black and white and I’d only tell anyone to protect my family members, not to just out him Because he offended me as I can fight my own battles. Hence my questions and feeling very confused about this. The last messages I sent him were about whether the young girls in my family are safe from him and that his behaviour is deeply concerning. He text me earlier to say that he did all of this because he was very angry about my comments when he was grieving (spiritual comments) and has never been that angry. He said he tried to “make me angry too, but it didn’t work”

I asked him if he thought I was naive enough, or indeed if he would be naive enough to believe the things he said were just a natural result of anger, he said, everyone expresses anger differently. I just ended the conversation with the word “sure”

Sorry OP it's hard but you have to tell others in the family about this. The fall out will be his fault not yours. This type of behaviour screams possible abuser and you can't take that risk. Asking him not to message the other female family members again won't help. Any promise he makes wouldn't mean much. He clearly is a man who pushes boundaries.

Stop engaging with him. It doesn’t solve anything. He is making inappropriate comments to a family member. Does it matter if he does it to a 40 year old or an 16/18 or younger female.

its a breach of trust within the family, it’s inappropriate and I wouldn’t want him having access to my young nieces or vulnerable adult relatives regardless of their age.

Oh he is doing that slippery gaslighting thing they all do now. Eugh. 🤮

There is a really good book called “why do they do that” that you absolutely do not need to bother reading but in summary they do it because they have fucked up thinking patterns. It is that simple. Men that break boundaries like this are often a risk to children too. It is the boundary breaking they get their dopamine hit from, shocking others and attracting attention from it.

Sadly they are usually exceptionally slippery too and there is also the barrier that people don’t like their own world view being challenged so if others currently like him, that goes against you speaking up about his behaviour so it needs very careful handling to protect yourself from the fallout. People are highly resistant to believing someone they hold in good esteem is an abuser.

Stop engaging with him!! Of course he's going to try and blame you. Please tell your siblings so they can protect your nieces.

I'm shocked that you are still continuing contact, asking questions , considering his replies and so on. It's really weird that you asked him whether the girls in your family were safe from him, what did you think he would say? Because he is a danger, to you and others, whatever he says or thinks. He will be seeing any response from you as an indication that you want to carry on the relationship, whatever that is. You are colluding in his perversions, how would you feel if your ongoing conversations were shown to the parents of a youngster he was grooming? It seems like he has successfully groomed you to accept the inappropriate, and to take on responsibility for it.
You should tell the rest of the family, and certainly the parents of the niece he is texting, they need to know what he is capable of, and how he will twist things to being your fault, or the fault of the young person he grooms. You should also tell your niece that uncle X has sent some horrible inappropriate messages to you and that if he tries to send them to her she should tell an adult, but really her parents should ensure she's not in contact with him.
And as for you, block him. Do not engage, avoid him at family events, or don't go if he is going to be there, and say why!

OP, regardless of whether he is upset about your comments about spirituality he has no right to send you communication like this. The justification that you upset him is unacceptable regardless of what you said regarding spirituality and grief ever. What if your niece is mid teens and says something he is upset/angry about?Is it ok for him to send messages like that to a young person who's parents are unlikely to check messages from family members? An elderly neighbour who has to deal with harassment after having a discussion that he does not agree with?

His behaviour is entirely unacceptable and you cannot excuse. Others are at risk. You need to raise it with all family members that he is in contact with and quite frankly I would raise it with the Police particularly if your family members are as dismissive as you are in fear or family service and or Social Services.

If I were you I’d block his number completely. Then is sure with the parents of the children in your family the concerning messages you receive, especially the parent of the young niece you know is messaging him.

It may well cause stress/upset but in your shoes I couldn’t not say anything. I’d rather be the bad guy than be the one that didn’t say something.

For what it’s worth I had a dodgy uncle in our family. Some of the family would never believe he did wrong, no matter how many people came out they wouldn’t believe it. He killed himself last year and I felt nothing but relief.

You need to tell everyone and show them the messages. He will do this again.

Please talk to other female family members about this this highly inappropriate behaviour from a family member,I grew up seeing male members of my family behaving sickening towards women and girls both sexual,and abusive I've been on the receiving end of that sexual abuse too,I'm very protective of my female family members beacuse of what I been through and if I knew a male family member was behaviour like this I would want them to know in order to protect them,women and girls have a difficult time from men on a daily basis from men they don't know,to have it from a family member who you would not expect that person to be like makes it even more sickening

I gave him the option to backtrack and express he lost his mind with the grief, and nearly a year later he didn’t do that, he stood by it and attempted to begin the whole thing again. Thanks for the advice given here, I know what I have to do.

Yes to poster above, I said that to him that is he not understanding that the normal way to be with female family members is to be protective of them, and angry if anyone outside the family unit harasses them in perverse ways. That’s when he responded with the I made him angry comments.

By the way to someone above who said why would I ask him if female members of my family were in danger, that wasn’t a question it was more of a statement that this is how I now feel about him. My point being he’s put me in a horrible position where I’m going to have to do something about this.

I'm glad the thread has helped you, though I imagine some posts were a tough read. Predatory men thrive in secrecy - you owe him nothing, if it blows up the family that's his doing not yours. Men like that need exposing.

I would tell all the adults in your family, especially young females or those with dc that your uncle has been sending you inappropriate messages. Keep it low key, no drama, just short and factual. I wouldn't share any of the messages he sent, but I would keep them because he will most certainly brand you a liar. Its really horrible that someone you love and trust could behave this way, hopefully you can prevent him from doing it to anyone else.

an uncle I always respected that I had no idea could ever turn like this.

I'm sorry @Confused947 , he didn't turn. He's always been like this. He just hid it successfully while he reeled you in with innocent messages to start with. And that's exactly what he's doing with his innocent messages to your niece. One day he'll send her something very slightly off, and she'll dismiss it because it's nice uncle and he can't possibly be a perv. Then he'll ramp it up, and she'll feel the way you do now.

It's what they do. Textbook.

Perverts are often repected members of society, dont protect him!

Lol at "I came onto you to make you angry because you made me angry with your spiritual advice/attempt at comfort".

Eh; no, nope, nah.

I think you wrapped it up quite nicely with your "Sure", op.

When men think like this, what can you do ... His thought patterns are "I want sex and would fuck anyone, women must want sex and would fuck anyone .... This woman (doesn't matter that she's my niece, she's a woman) has been single quite a while and not getting sex. She therefore must be sex starved and would fuck anyone ...I'll offer myself for the job".

Literally that basic and base.

This type of men always think that women think like them, even though lots of evidence to the contrary is right in front of their noses.

It's like the Chris Rock sketch where he says that if a woman remotely takes on a man who is attracted to her, he is literally thinking "want some dick?" on repeat.

Guys like your uncle are a personification of that. It doesn't even matter if it's a female relative, his brain is stuck on "want some dick?".

I don't think.most women can conceive of men who think and act like this. I suppose we should be grateful for that.

To echo others, I'd definitely tell pertinent people that he's a totally inappropriate sleazy desperado who started coming onto you.

From experience of this, an uncle will assume your inate politeness or some weird loyalty issues will stop you telling others what he is. So you don't, and he then goes on to do the same to the next generation. I've been there. And I so regret not shouting it from the rooftops to keep him away from other younger females in the family xx

Thanks for the insight and commentary on this. The whole situation has completely blindsided me. I’m no stranger to narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, etc in romantic relationships, but this incident with a trusted family member is something I would never have expected. It did break my heart and has caused me worry and stress. I don’t believe his excuse remotely. I do believe he felt angry and upset, but nobody could say the things he said without being a very twisted and predatory person, I know and he knows also, that it is a bizarre and sick response to anger, and runs a lot deeper than that. Nobody could say those things to a family member and someone that clearly is repulsed by it, without being predatory. So it was a stupid excuse for him to give, as if that is why he’s said and done all that, it still makes him a sicko and a narcissist. I’m very upset he put me in this position as he must surely know that I can’t possibly continue to say nothing, because like others have said, if there is a chance he would use what we’re blatantly grooming tactics on younger members of my family, I would forever blame myself. I would have loved to have a bond with him, and when I apologised and he responded and we were chatting about general stuff, I thought it was really nice that we could have a proper uncle niece relationship. He is closer to other members of my family and I did trust him. Now I feel like I’ve seen the real him, and it’s pretty sad, very deflating and sickening, and as others have said with safeguarding it is my responsibility to protect the other women and girls in my family now. He should have thought about it before he repeatedly and over a long period of time sent me those disgusting messages.