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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Creepy uncle confused what to do

88 replies

Confused947 · 09/10/2023 14:08

Hey, so very sad and distressed by the below and apart from one friend, haven’t been able to discuss this in detail with anyone. I’m not sure what to do moving forward.

I have an uncle that I always thought was a nice person and respected, I never thought of him as creepy but we weren’t particularly close although he is close to a couple of my siblings and their children. I’m in my 40s.

A Couple of years ago my uncle was going through some grief and at a family gathering I spoke to him for about two minutes in an attempt to offer some comfort. My advice was spiritual and he was really angry as he hates anything spiritual. I felt so awful afterwards and reached out a couple of months later to offer an apology, and said that I understand that although it helped others involved, that it was not something he got any comfort from, that I clearly made it worse, and that I am sorry.

This is where it got weird. He responded saying as long as I keep my beliefs out of any interactions with him, all is good. Then he said he should delete my number as all he sends on messages is rude memes that I probably wouldn’t approve of. I said that why doesn’t he just keep my number and not send me that stuff. He proceeded to send me stuff daily, some was funny, some was just not what an uncle sends to a niece and I ignored those ones. Then the conversations took a turn, from general chats about family and current affairs where I thought I was actually building a bond with my uncle, he started to make suggestive inappropriate remarks about my attractiveness, a connection between us, and whether what I believe spiritually allows for things between us. He said things like that I probably need sex, I’ve been single a long time and what do I do to “sort myself out. I felt obviously very sick and like I’d entered some kind of other reality. His jibes went on until eventually I told him it is disgusting and that it’s like he’s my dad and why would he even say this stuff to me. He said well thanks you’ve made it clear now that you don’t feel the same, and I needed you to make that clear. Because he’s my uncle I didn’t delete and block and hoped to just get rid of it out of my head, so he sent memes and current affairs and family stuff and I would respond, but he kept coming back to that so eventually I just stopped replying to anything he said. First time seeing his the other day, and he looked so ashamed, so I was warm towards him and sent a message to at evening saying I know he was grieving so I hold nothing against him, and he’s still my uncle. He said he wasn’t embarrassed but thought I might be and all he said still stands!!! I said, I wasn’t embarrassed, I was embarrassed for you. So then I said to him, I’m very concerned now about the other women and girls in our family, and I used to massively respect you. (I know he texts some of my young nieces) he backtracked saying he did all of this to make me angry “the way I made him angry with my spiritual stuff”

I really don’t want him anywhere near the girls in my family. I know I am a lot older than a child or teenager, but surely he should still see me that way as he’s my uncle and held me as a baby?

if I share this with any family members it will blow the whole family apart, I’m really very heartbroken. What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Ianz · 09/10/2023 14:13

I think you should definitely let the family members aware of what's happening as I doubt he is sending that kind of stuff only to you !

Tempnamechng · 09/10/2023 14:13

Please tell someone. If you still have the messages show them to someone. Don't worry about blowing the family apart, that's on him and whoever supports him, not you. You are strong enough to put him in his place, but what if he turns it on to someone younger, vulnerable. If you need to, look at the Russell Brand case, so many women who thought it was just them.

Original poster
Confused947 · 09/10/2023 14:23

I’ve got all the messages. At one point I was going to delete them as felt so sick with it, but something in me told me I need to keep them. I’m so angry with him for doing this. He fully knew how disturbing and shocking that would be, and he knows I am polite and don’t want to rock the boat, as well as that I’ve had a history of abuse. I really put it down to him being unhinged with grief despite the fact that I still don’t understand what makes someone do that. I could have told my family immediately and it amazes me that he didn’t think it through, hence I put it down to some kind of grief related depression/losing his mind. Until the other day. His responses the other day gave me serious chills worse than last year.

OP posts:
SaturdayGiraffe · 09/10/2023 14:26

This ain’t his first rodeo.

FictionalCharacter · 09/10/2023 14:27

Block him permanently, and never let him near your kids. Being your uncle doesn’t give him any right to be in contact with you. You owe him nothing. Tell the relevant family members. If the family falls apart it isn’t your fault, it’s his.

Original poster
Confused947 · 09/10/2023 14:30

What if I told him to never text my nieces again? One he sends stuff to all the time and she’s not even a teenager yet. What if I tell him that if he ever texts her again I will tell my family

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused947 · 09/10/2023 14:31

I know he texts her only because my niece sent me a picture once (something innocent) and said oh sorry that was for uncle ……., and I said oh does he text you a lot then, and she said, all the time

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused947 · 09/10/2023 14:31

That was very recently, and I’ve been worried about it since, but I know her mum checks her phone

OP posts:
Flibbertygibbetty · 09/10/2023 14:32

Don’t delete messages and make sure you keep them safe. It’s a safe guarding issue that involves more than the horrible experience you personally have had (so sorry that happened to you and your good intentions were taken advantage of).

Please speak up to protect others from him. outrageous these men think they can intimidate women. It is his choice to be a dangerous predator and if the truth blows your family that is entirely his choice and actions to receive blame not on you. It sounds horrible for you and wish you strength and resolve and that your wider family are supportive.

FallingStar21 · 09/10/2023 14:34

I honestly don't get how you could continue interacting with him after the first time he said these things to you, even excuse it with grieving. He's obviously a very sick individual.

AlwaysGinPlease · 09/10/2023 14:39

FallingStar21 · 09/10/2023 14:34

I honestly don't get how you could continue interacting with him after the first time he said these things to you, even excuse it with grieving. He's obviously a very sick individual.

Edited

This. This made my skin crawl. You keeping in touch with him is giving him the green light in his eyes.

Original poster
Confused947 · 09/10/2023 14:45

He’s my uncle, I’ve never known him to be anything but polite and well loved by the family. It felt very confusing and there was lots of innuendo and just dodgy memes and that kind of thing before he said other stuff. I tried to ignore it because it didn’t feel real and I was truly in shock. Once he’d said enough that just made me feel totally grossed out, I never responded to him again. I think I continued to respond because I believe in forgiveness and trying to understand people and also couldn’t quite grasp what he was doing. It most certainly wasn’t any kind of green light which would be more than evident if you read the interactions. A green light to backtrack and have an uncle niece relationship on the other hand, yes.

OP posts:
Balloonhearts · 09/10/2023 14:45

Do you really think he will respect any promise he makes? You are the adult and need to protect your nieces for God's sake. If he's doing it to you, he'll do it to them. Show their parents. Tell their parents everything.

I've been that child, abused by a trusted adult and it destroys you. I'll never have a sexual relationship with anyone now, it ruined my life. The only man allowed to touch me is my long standing therapist whom I trust implicitly.

Protect those children because no one else can.

SaturdayGiraffe · 09/10/2023 14:45

You can’t blackmail him into behaving appropriately, this is who he is. And you certainly don’t want him to be in a “our little secret” relationship with you.

TheCatterall · 09/10/2023 14:47

He’s potentially grooming and testing young females in your family to see how they take his comments. Why wouldn’t you make this know to adults to warn them if this inappropriate behaviour.

Original poster
Confused947 · 09/10/2023 14:49

This green light thing is precisely one reason why I feel sick to share it with other family members. That I was ignoring what he was saying lots and trying to get him to “be normal with me”. This was him not me, it made me feel sick to the stomach, what makes me feel sicker to the stomach is the potential that anyone in the family would associate me with his behaviour in any way.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 09/10/2023 14:50

Are you nieces minor? If they are you need to make their parents aware immediately as in right now. If they are adult you need to contact them directly and tell. To hell with the family fallout. Either he has always been a creep and you are just seeing this side of him but others need to be made away. Or else he is having some kind of major breakdown which may have been triggered by grief and he needs treatment. Either way you will not nor should deal with it on your own.

ColdEvenings · 09/10/2023 14:53

Confused947 · 09/10/2023 14:31

I know he texts her only because my niece sent me a picture once (something innocent) and said oh sorry that was for uncle ……., and I said oh does he text you a lot then, and she said, all the time

For the love of the wee man! Please protect your nieces!!!

He's a vile dirty pervert. It's him that will blow your family part not you!

Pokinganose · 09/10/2023 14:57

You can't keep this from your family that's how creeps like this get away with this behaviour. He's a risk to the female ( potentially male also) younger members of your family. If you don't say anything there's a chance it will continue and possibly escalate.
You say it will blow your family apart but it will unite them against him surely. You have the evidence in your hands.
Please don't let him get away with this. You can't have that on your conscience. How would you feel if you later found out he had sexually abused one of your nieces and you could've prevented it? I know he hasn't done anything to you but you don't know if he has done to anyone else and apart from that sexual abuse/harassment takes many forms.
Jimmy Saville got away with his behaviour as no one spoke up.
Don't leave it.

Aylestone · 09/10/2023 14:58

Confused947 · 09/10/2023 14:30

What if I told him to never text my nieces again? One he sends stuff to all the time and she’s not even a teenager yet. What if I tell him that if he ever texts her again I will tell my family

I can see how that will go. You'll tell him not to text your niece. He’ll promise and do it anyway because he’s a fucking deviant. It’ll eventually come out that your uncle groomed your niece (or worse). It may or may not come out that you knew about him all along and could have prevented it, but you’ll have to live with the fact that you did nothing.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 09/10/2023 14:58

You absolutely need to blow this wide open and tell everyone. Youngsters need protecting from him.

In my family it was hidden and my uncle went on to abuse his niece for over 8 years.

JaneyGee · 09/10/2023 15:06

TheCatterall · 09/10/2023 14:47

He’s potentially grooming and testing young females in your family to see how they take his comments. Why wouldn’t you make this know to adults to warn them if this inappropriate behaviour.

This. I would 100% cut him out of my life. Sounds a horrible little creature. I've a nasty feeling abuse, grooming, etc, were common in families until very recently. But it just wasn't talked about. And because it wasn't talked about, disgusting predatory perverts like him got away with it. I'm all for exposing this kind of thing. We should always bring everything out into the light.

Aylestone · 09/10/2023 15:06

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 09/10/2023 14:58

You absolutely need to blow this wide open and tell everyone. Youngsters need protecting from him.

In my family it was hidden and my uncle went on to abuse his niece for over 8 years.

Same. It was swept under the carpet when it came out my uncle was abusing his little sister, and later on his 2 nephews. The whole family only found out about him beasting his own son when his son committed suicide. He jumped off a bridge onto a motorway and ended up with 2 broken legs and a stoma bag. As soon as he could walk again he jumped off the same bridge, he got the outcome that he wanted that time.

Mmhmmn · 09/10/2023 15:07

It's important that your family members do know. You can't keep the secrets of a dirty old lech who is a clear risk to your female family members (particularly the younger ones). Do you still have the messages? As they might try to suggest it's innocent but they need to understand what type of person he actually is and what he has tried to do. This stuff THRIVES on secrecy.

Mmhmmn · 09/10/2023 15:12

Confused947 · 09/10/2023 14:31

I know he texts her only because my niece sent me a picture once (something innocent) and said oh sorry that was for uncle ……., and I said oh does he text you a lot then, and she said, all the time

So he's grooming your niece and you're wondering whether to tell her family?

Are you waiting to find out that she has been or is being sexually abused before you do something? Relying on her mum checking her phone without saying something is not good enough OP.