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Original poster

Husband doesn’t like my boobs

92 replies

Aliceal · 08/10/2023 12:59

Feeling pretty shitty. Been together 13 years, and he has never shown any interest in my boobs at all. I just thought he was not a boob guy. Last month I found secret TikTok and Instagram accounts full of naked 18/19 year old women with a focus around boobs generally. Just gross and pathetic behavior on his part as a man in his late 40s.

I am in my late 30s, still breastfeeding our youngest, and I just feel unbelievably hurt , ugly and rejected. I asked him outright if he likes my boobs and he just couldn’t bring himself to say yes, he skirted around it and said he likes my figure 🙄

I suspect porn and his secret social media habits have been a long term thing, and why he has had a low sex drive generally over the years (his lack of desire has been a frequent issue he refused to talk about)

Hpw can I ever want to be intimate with him again? Not sure where to go from here.

OP posts:
gentlemum · 08/10/2023 13:30

I'm so sorry, that is beyond awful. Totally gross and pathetic from someone in a marriage and with children. Only you can decide what to do next and if you can forgive him and move on and trust him again. Have you confronted him yet? If not I think that is the next step, don't keep it to yourself.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 08/10/2023 13:34

Frequent, secret porn watching is terrible on the self esteem and confidence of the other (usually female) partner.

Sorry. Its not you. You could like like a page 3 girl and he'd still only have limited interest. Porn is addictive and takes no effort on his part at all. The novelty factor gets the dopamine going and a regular partner can't offer the same.

Original poster
Aliceal · 08/10/2023 13:47

Thanks for replies.

Gentlemum, yes, I confronted him immediately. He was very remorseful and deleted his accounts straight away. His remorse feels false though, I mean he was happy to go behind my back despite knowing my boundaries on porn etc.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie - it definitely impacts self esteem of the partner. Feels like he has just confirmed every hang up I ever had about me physically. Devastated.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 08/10/2023 13:49

Could this be linked to you currently breastfeeding?As in has this started post children and now sees them as functional as opposed sexual? Then it maybe a temporary thing?

I didn't breastfeed as I really had a hard time imagining them as not being sexual, I know that is their function but my brain just said no. A few friends male and female said the same , just a thought.

It doesn't address the looking at others though.

Original poster
Aliceal · 08/10/2023 13:52

Marblessolveeverything, it’s a good theory, but I don’t think so. Even pre kids he didn’t have any interest in my boobs.

He obviously likes boobs, just not mine.

OP posts:
BHRK · 08/10/2023 13:54

Fairly sure my husband was uninterested in my boobs too when I was breastfeeding.. and I wasn’t interested in having them handled by him either given how much they were being used elsewhere.
this may be a temporary thing. If he likes your figure he still fancies you?
i don’t think him looking at porn is an issue unless you think it’s the main reason he’s gone off sex? Ask him. And ask him if you both need counselling to work on this as an issue?
it may be that while you’re so consumed with small children, sex is on the back burner for him. Porn is just an easier outlet at the moment. This is not your fault at all.. but I doubt it’s uncommon

Original poster
Aliceal · 08/10/2023 13:55

Although I do feel self conscious breastfeeding in front of him now 😢

OP posts:
50lessfat · 08/10/2023 13:57

The fact he saved them and ogles them would put me off for life.

Marblessolveeverything · 08/10/2023 14:00

Ah I see. I was hoping it was a within reason issue that would solve itself with time.

Would some couple counselling help to try reset your relationship? I appreciate it must be very upsetting. Honestly what do some men want, a flipping android sex doll?

Original poster
Aliceal · 08/10/2023 14:00

I’m definitely put off him. Girls 30 years younger than him. Just 18 years old. Open accounts with his name and photo on for the world to see his wank bank Yuck.

He always told me how low libido was stress with work etc. he was secretly choosing this over me. Made me feel stupid for bringing up lack of sex over the years 😔

OP posts:
gentlemum · 08/10/2023 14:01

@Aliceal sounds like it might be a classic case of the is he sorry, or is he sorry he got caught. I've had issue with my husband in the past watching porn and saving photos of girls and I confronted him, he was very sorry, deleted it all, promised to never do it again etc. I know he watches porn now again, as someone else said it's the addictive nature of it. To an extent I've stopped caring now and accept it, but the again it doesn't affect his want of me or our sex life. I think if it did I would feel differently

Lifemessed · 08/10/2023 14:02

Who the F cares what he likes or doesn’t OP
Not a reflection on you!
so gross he’s looking at 18/19 year olds!
he should be reassuring you and making you feel loved
don’t let him get to you, I know you’re feeling vulnerable after birth, but don’t let him

Original poster
Aliceal · 08/10/2023 14:04

And he also added random attractive women. They weren’t naked, he just fancies them. Not sure if this is even worse, as I am left wondering what his intentions were there.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 08/10/2023 14:04

I don’t think this has anything to do with your breasts. He is just getting off on watching young women secretly through social media. Don’t make it about you as I suspect it isn’t anything really to do with you in the sense that you’re not good enough. He’s just turned on by looking at young women at the peak
of their attractiveness.

Janieforever · 08/10/2023 14:05

In a little surprised your immediate reaction is he doesn’t like your boobs and that’s what’s bothering you. The man’s looking at teenage porn for gods sake. That’s the bigger issue.

Janieforever · 08/10/2023 14:06

RudsyFarmer · 08/10/2023 14:04

I don’t think this has anything to do with your breasts. He is just getting off on watching young women secretly through social media. Don’t make it about you as I suspect it isn’t anything really to do with you in the sense that you’re not good enough. He’s just turned on by looking at young women at the peak
of their attractiveness.

Wtaf? I’m guessing you’re a man who likes teens? The peak of their attractiveness? What am I reading.

Original poster
Aliceal · 08/10/2023 14:09

He’s just turned on by looking at young women at the peak
of their attractiveness

And this makes me feel unattractive and past it. How is that fair?

OP posts:
sprigatito · 08/10/2023 14:09

Janieforever · 08/10/2023 14:05

In a little surprised your immediate reaction is he doesn’t like your boobs and that’s what’s bothering you. The man’s looking at teenage porn for gods sake. That’s the bigger issue.

This. Your body isn't the problem OP, please don't let this knock your confidence in yourself. You're married to a pornsick pervert who gets off on pictures of girls young enough to be his daughters. Of course he's crap at having a real reciprocal relationship with a real woman. That's his defect, not yours.

RaisedByHedgehogs · 08/10/2023 14:13

RudsyFarmer · 08/10/2023 14:04

I don’t think this has anything to do with your breasts. He is just getting off on watching young women secretly through social media. Don’t make it about you as I suspect it isn’t anything really to do with you in the sense that you’re not good enough. He’s just turned on by looking at young women at the peak
of their attractiveness.

The peak of their attractiveness. What the actual fuck?

OP, I’m sorry this is happening. My exH once offered to pay for me to have a boob job. I’d never wanted one, but it sent me into a spiral.

I wish I had sage advice, but can only offer a tiny bit of solidarity. It’s horrible.

Original poster
Aliceal · 08/10/2023 14:14

The ages did bother me. It’s just gross. His response was he didn’t know their ages. It’s on their profiles, plus they looked 18/19. Crap excuse. It’s creepy and pervy. I know they’re legal, but it’s disgusting.

OP posts:
ArtAndMusic · 08/10/2023 14:17

He likes women who are only just adults. Sick, sad little cunt.

Get rid.

RudsyFarmer · 08/10/2023 14:17

Aliceal · 08/10/2023 14:09

He’s just turned on by looking at young women at the peak
of their attractiveness

And this makes me feel unattractive and past it. How is that fair?

But that’s your only interpretation here. Your own self esteem is impacting your thought process. I honestly don’t think it’s how he feels about you. It’s what’s getting him off currently.

Original poster
Aliceal · 08/10/2023 14:24

This isn’t my self esteem in the wrong here. It’s his perving and wanking over naked 18 year olds.

The impact on my self esteem of course is a bu product, but not the cause.

OP posts:
Kallister · 08/10/2023 14:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

isthesolution · 08/10/2023 14:38

Ok so this isn't going to be a popular comment but I don't think it's his fault he doesn't like your boobs. You can't MAKE yourself like something you don't. But of course it's going to hit your confidence and hurt you.

And the fact that he's hurt you is where the issue is. If intimacy is a problem and he hasn't addressed that and chosen to go online instead then it's awful.

I don't know how you'll get the trust and intimacy back. Let him work that out though - it's not for you to put this right, it's for him to. And if he doesn't put the effort in to making it right then maybe bigger decisions need to be made.