Husband doesn’t like my boobs

[Aliceal]

Feeling pretty shitty. Been together 13 years, and he has never shown any interest in my boobs at all. I just thought he was not a boob guy. Last month I found secret TikTok and Instagram accounts full of naked 18/19 year old women with a focus around boobs generally. Just gross and pathetic behavior on his part as a man in his late 40s.

I am in my late 30s, still breastfeeding our youngest, and I just feel unbelievably hurt , ugly and rejected. I asked him outright if he likes my boobs and he just couldn’t bring himself to say yes, he skirted around it and said he likes my figure 🙄

I suspect porn and his secret social media habits have been a long term thing, and why he has had a low sex drive generally over the years (his lack of desire has been a frequent issue he refused to talk about)

Hpw can I ever want to be intimate with him again? Not sure where to go from here.

Quite frankly they deserve it. It is perfect karma.

Op I could not go back from this - he’s just a common perv with no respect for women. Back in the day they were called grubby old men in raincoats. Vile.

It's porn and the effects it has longer term in my view and that fits perfectly with some who are already that way inclined . If you think how easy it is to access now and that the types you can be exposed to as well. The more that is consumed on a regular basis, the lower the drive becomes. Less interested in partners because they're spent already or it's not as exciting in comparison. Some men then start comparing their partners to these women and what they do and what their partners don't.

Add to the fact now you have some like OF that do actually invite their own fans to participate. This is why men are commenting, they do actually get a chance with some and it's filmed.

It's no excuse though and I'm not surprised you're not okay with it. I bet he wouldn't be okay with it if you were doing the same.

At the end of the day there is nothing wrong with you, don't think that. If he can't appreciate what he has and puts others or porn, a fantasy above you then he's a twat and you deserve better.

I don’t have any answers to make this better but I’ve been through almost exactly the same (except my partner did like my boobs when we met and I was 17…..obviously)

I was so ashamed of my mothering body I stopped breastfeeding almost immediately because I couldn’t bear to do it in front of him knowing he was seeing me as some ancient milking cow and had been looking at teenagers tits and bodies obsessively.

It completely smashed what little self esteem I had. I wish I’d just left because things didn’t get better tbh. He did remorse and shame for a bit but essentially he liked what he liked and I wasn’t it I was a compromise because I’m probably as good as he can get in real life.

if you can, leave and spend some time enjoying this part of your motherhood journey and then start dating again when you are ready. Hopefully you’ll find a nice normal man who likes adult women’s bodies and absolutely loves your boobs as well as everything else about you x

Can anybody tell me:

1)Why are the women are posting the content?

2. What type of man do they expect tto attract?

Money from view engagement and sleazes.

Why does that matter? Is that how you deal with relationship problems? Look at all of the societal reasons and sociology surrounding all of it and pass part of the blame onto others?

I never knew this! What are the reasons behind it?

I’d always assumed that the real thing would be better than videos. Is it the extreme content?

Although actually it's known that a lot of the accounts aren't actually women but men behind the scenes. Digital pimps if you will.

My point exactly. Yeah the sleazy men enjoy it because they can. I suppose expecting the women to take some responsibility, have some dignity and stop posting is pointless as they couldn't care less if they're getting paid.

First rule of misogyny. Women are responsible for what men do.

But don’t let any self education about power stop you thinking breastfeeding women should just put up and shut up about their husbands perving on young women eh @bbq1?

No, it's not but these women are as much part of the problem as those producing porn. All of those involved in selling sex are to blame. As are the sleazy men for creating a willing audience.

I'm on Op's side. I think his behaviour is absolutely disgusting and so disrespectful towards her. Easier said than done, but she needs to get rid of him asap.
My comments regarding the women posting was in response to a pp whi said the whole system was messed up.

@Almosthumannow

It can be caused by extreme content but mostly it’s just that the viewing of porn leads to completely unrealistic expectations of the sexual attractiveness of “regular” woman. 12 year old boys can now access the type of women that only a handful of famous Hollywood actors would have historically gotten to see naked. These boys get intense gratification from viewing this content, coupled with no fear of rejection. “Regular” women therefore just don’t match up. There are young men out there who genuinely don’t realise that women are meant to have pubic hair, or that it’s normal for a woman’s anus to be dark in colour. On top of this, they never learn the social skills involved in maintaining a relationship either.

It IS sad and that is why I do agree with @Kallister to a certain extent about it being the “system” at fault, rather than any particular individual. However, when it comes to older adults like the OPs husband, there surely needs to be some personal accountability. He's a grown man with life experience, a wife and children. He must know that his actions are impacting his relationship, and that is not the OP's problem to deal with. The responsibility lies solely with him. He has agency and he isn't helpless.

An 18 year old is barely out of school. Are you genuinely unable to see that a young woman in that situation is likely to have had an unstable childhood, is vulnerable, suffering from low self esteem, and looking for validation in the wrong places? On top of her likely lack of internal resources, she will undoubtedly be lacking in external resources too. It’s always working class kids that end up doing this kind of stuff. It’s a trap.

I personally would love to see a change in the law that prohibits women of younger than at least the age of 21 producing pornographic content. I just cannot fathom a single instance of an 18 year making this type of content not regretting it later. They just don’t have the life experience to fully understand the consequences. It’ll never happen though, and we all know why!

Do you have the stats on this or are you just surmising?

But if you want to look at it that way you have to go even further back.
I know a few ex strippers, and women who did only fans or similar sites.

For all of those (except for one) I know that they had traumatic experiences with men in their pasts, child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, bad fathers, abusive boyfriends etc. I don't know much about the other womans past but I wouldn't be surprised if she also had suffered trauma due to men in her past.

This

No they aren’t, if they wasn’t the demand there would not be supply. It’s not the other way round. These are teenagers for gods sake. Young women appearing in porn will seldom come from a stable background with a healthy mindset, and many of the young women viewed will be trafficked, drug addicts,

they aren’t the issue, they are not the problem. If men didn’t look . If the demand wasn’t there, these images of barely past children would not be created.

uoir comments come across as deeply mysogynistic.

it reminds me of the diatribe of if women said no, my husband would be faithful.

women are not responsible for men’s behaviour. Get that thought right out your head, and you’re on the wrong forum if you think you will find support for it on here,

I did not once say women are responsible for the behaviour of men because I don't believe it to be true. Men are entirely responsible for themselves and those that want to be sleazy will find a way. Yes some mem create the demand and some women supply it.

Let me remind you what your wrote/

These girls/women are happily putting photos out there to make money not caring who gets off on then. Then men like Op can access these images at the touch of a button. How about these females found an actual job rather then just posting sexual content. That would shut a lot down. Then these men couldn't view it all so easily. Don't the women have some responsibility because they are putting it out there to attract men and money aren't they?

so,yesh, you said the women were responsible. Teenagers.

@Aliceal
It was your boundaries not his boundaries that were crossed. Your boundaries define what you will do when certain things happen.

Clearly, for you, action on your part is called for. The solution is for you to do whatever your boundaries call for.

Going forward, it may be helpful to realize that not every partner will necessarily be attracted to every part of your body, and that many healthy well adjusted men may on occasion watch porn.

I think in the future, that if you make it abundantly clear that you will immediately end a relationship with a man who for any reason watches porn, you will probably ward off men who are given to watching porn and men who might be put off by the extremity of your boundaries. In either situation, you will have dealt with the issue up front.

Do what works best for you, only you and your children will have to live with the impact of whatever actions you take.

There are obviously bigger problems here but just to focus on the way so many women get hurt and offended at men sleazing over other women but never think to do it back to them..... There are a million images and accounts of male fitness models and porn actors and regular actors with amazing physiques (tho obviously you're not usually getting nude shots of them) ........ If a man was doing that to me, I'd put the equivalent right in his face and see how he likes it. Why are woman always comparing themselves to models etc and getting upset about their husband's behaviour but never giving him a taste of his own medicine - make him think about whether he's a perfect specimen, whether he's in his prime or not. Why are we still acting like it doesn't matter if they age or if they don't look like a model, but it matters if we don't.

Would just bin him OP, leave him to his sad little w*nk sessions. Pathetic and alone.

The bigger problems are .... He sounds shit in bed , if you'd have liked him to have paid attention to your boobs but he hasn't.

He's hasn't got any respect for himself, you, you'd marriage, your family etc if he's doing this sleazing publicly.

The age of the young women is a bit creepy given his age. If it was a range it would t be so bad to me.

It is pointless to say what the OP's husband is attracted to ; it may be age, body types, his version of beauty., etc. Obviously, there was enough attraction between them for them to both marry and reproduce.

It appears that now their sex life is less than satisfactory for both of them.

The OP has a solution. She has boundaries which define how she will respond to this situation. She does not need validation or condemnation of her husband. She only needs to take the action defined in her boundaries.