Row with my mum

[cleanbreak2022]

Afternoon everyone,

I'm just looking to vent, I've had a disagreement with my mum and it's gotten out of hand, I've tried to apologise and sent flowers but she won't talk to me and my dad has now weighed in.

For context, I'm a single parent to two children. Their dad walked away almost two years ago and has little to nothing to do with them.

I have a high pressure job and I'm working full time. My parents helped me financially to take the house over when he left and support me with a day a week childcare and also help pay my monthly childcare bill.

My sister has just had a baby and needs a lot of support from my parents also, they are great.

Last night I snapped after a bad week when I came home and found nail varnish over my kitchen cupboards, worktops and floors. It had fallen out of a cupboard whilst my mum had the kids and I called her and was angry about it. I was out of order I know. She hadn't noticed and it had dried and I had to sit for hours picking it off. She was distracted because my sister was here with the baby and she was offering support to her.

I know I was wrong and I have been tearful since. She won't accept my calls, I have arranged for flowers to be sent. I just got to the end of my tether, my washing machine broke this week, my dishwasher and toilet. The school have been asking for money for trips and theme days. Work is driving me mad, I'm broke at the moment. I'm everyone's go to person and I just hit a wall.

So as not to drip feed, this isn't the first time my sister had visited when my mum had my kids and the last time my home was trashed too. I am grateful for the help, I really am. I just got to my breaking point.

It seems to have really emotionally affected me and I just want to mend it with my mum.

I spoke to my dad this morning who (rightly) told me off but then said they offer me support because i made a decision to have two children with a useless man. He left me for an affair partner after 15 years together.

I just broke and I'm not sure I can fix it and I hate the thought of my parents thinking I'm not grateful when I am.

They're highly likely to come around, OP once the dust has settled a bit.
It does sound like you need to be careful not to take out your frustrations on people - not just because they're helping you with your kids but because you just can't.

Is it just this incident or could your mum be feeling a bit used and abused more generally?

Give it some time. But don’t push it because you need financial help from them. They are very good to help you out, so it was out of order. We all lose our shit sometimes. Your sister is entitled to help too, and if your parents help you a lot I guess sometimes she’s going to need to come to your house sometimes. Trashing your house isn’t acceptable, who is doing that?

You aren't really everyone's go to person if you go to your parents, are you?

You need to look seriously at stress management, from two perspectives.

1. How can you reduce the stress on you? Can you reduce your hours, reduce the dc activities?

1. Manage your emotions. Reduce your expectations of a perfect house, learn how to breathe and let it go.

I'm really shocked that you didn't just rant about the nail varnish when you saw it, you actually rang her up to complain after the fact.

Your mum is under a lot of pressure too, committed to child care for your dc and a new baby in the mix- your sister may not be coping well.

I think you have rather been taking your parents for granted OP. You need to appreciate them more. So what if there is mess in the house. Just suck it up and try to understand that we all have to deal with spillages and accidents, it's no biggie. She didn't do it on purpose. Your expectations are too high. Just give them time and be grateful you have them.

I agree, give it time. Don't rush them to put it behind them.

What your Dad said was a bit mean. You didn't know that your husband would cheat and leave. I'm sure they wanted grandchildren. They didn't want a daughter who decided having children was just too high a risk to take (id guess)

You both sounds like your in a stressful situation, your own and your mum, wanting to enjoy time with your sister and new grandchild but having to provide childcare etc, sounds like your trying your best to apologise but they are just a bit fraught after feeling slapped in the face after helping you out. Maybe consider a way you could take the burden off them a bit practically/financially? Can you claim any help towards childcare costs, could you move to a less expensive part of the country etc? We rely on mum for childcare but only when no other alternative, not so can live in nicer house/area, go on holidays etc but also make it clear free to come and just visit, chill and spend time with grandchildren but respect she also has her own life. When I was a child being a grandparent was a thing to be enjoyed but parents seem to expect so much these days

Thank you for everyone's perspective.

I totally accept I was out of order. I just reached that level of stress. I did call as soon as I saw it not after. What happened was I rushed home from work to collect the kids for swimming lessons. Everyone was at the house so I kind of grabbed and went so I could make it. I left everyone in the house. I saw it later when everyone had left and I had returned home.

I think maybe mum does feel taken for granted and I really don't want her to feel that. I am very sorry. It not acceptable on my part. I do get a lot of support.

When I say I'm everyone's go to I meant for emotional support, unloading. I'm normally a problem solver. My parents have been wonderful with financial support and with the days childcare for my younger one.

The trashing of the house, I'm not sure how that comes about. This time it wasn't just the nail varnish. My 3 yr old had been playing with a hose pipe, there were water marks over the widows, no biggy but another job and a sink full of washing up. My sister had opened a bottle of expensive wine I was given as a gift as was sipping I when I ran in to get the kids.

The previous time, curtains were hanging off a pole. A wardrobe rail had been pulled down and clothes everywhere. My mum said she couldn't reach to do these things and they got pulled down.

I think I do need to manage stress better, it just all got on top of me this week.

I've started to make arrangements for my 3 yr old to go to preschool on that day going forward.

I just want ti repair things

Is it possible that your mum is ok looks after yours but your sister turning up pushes her over the edge. Does sister like your mum to take over while she has the opportunity to put her feet up with a glass of wine and relax @cleanbreak2022 ?

I’m sure things will be repaired, they obviously love you very much to have given you all the support they have and taking some of the burden off them will hopefully stop fueling any building feelings of resentment on their part. I do get it, similar situation with my mum once and a lot of upset caused, now accept that if someone doing you a massive favour then can’t expect them to do it perfectly and sometimes just have to grit your teeth. I’ve tried instead to just avoid being in that position as much as possible but rubbish for times you have no choice

Just to add, I ask her not to do anything whilst she's with the little one. I can manage that and I want them to build a relationship. I don't want my mum doing any laundry or housework, nothing like that at all.

She has a heart of gold.

I can't really adjust my job, I have been toying with the idea of moving away, but I can't. I have a great job and a great support network where I am. This week everything fell at once. I'm normally ok, I muddle through. It just happened to be all at one go it fell apart and I snapped.

I'd write them a letter and say everything you've said here. How you've been so worried about money, stressed etc and just reached the end of your tether. Emphasise how much you appreciate them. I'm sure they'll come round in time.

@justasking111 my sister is struggling with motherhood. Baby is almost 6 weeks old and as yet my sister hasn't been alone with baby. There is pressure on all points, my parents are also in the middle of huge renovations which dad is managing. It just went pop.

By the way, maybe your mum is also exhausted and at the end of her tether? She's supporting two daughters and their young children financially and in terms of time and effort. It's a lot for her to take on after raising her own children.

All you can do then is prioritise taking as much of the burden off them as you can manage, is good that you don’t expect extra jobs and are now going to book more hours at preschool. I’m absolutely sure it will all be fine once the dust has settled x

Honestly, you sound quite jealous of your sister. It comes across like you feel she takes your mum’s attention when you want it.

@SallyWD I know, I know and she's amazing. I think we are both stressed out and at the same time for different reasons and she's also exhausted. Bless her she's been going to my sisters every day to help.

I'm everyone's go to person and I just hit a wall.
I rather think your mum feels exactly like this. And it's your sister who you need to take this up with if it's her children trashing your house (not sure if she's got others or just the baby), or your own children if it's them doing it. Your mum's job shouldn't be to parent for either of you even if she does generously offer childcare.

@Docke I'm not jealous. I'm a little concerned about her. We have a huge age gap (10yrs) so we've led quite different lives. We're very different people, I love her dearly. I would like her to be more hands on with the baby, but that's a different thread altogether. She and my mum have a wonderful relationship, different to mine but no better or worse.

Honestly I was frazzled and I reacted badly.

It’s not the crime of the century, altho I can appreciate why you’re feeling so badly about it. Best thing you can do is send a message just saying how much you truly do love and appreciate her and her help, and that you are very sorry. Leave it there, otherwise you run the risk of blowing it up into a really big deal.

Can you go round and apologise in person? Offer to take them out to dinner or something, it’s not unsalvageable so try not to panic.

@SisterMichaelsHabit yes, I'm sure she does, and she's right to. She's been under a lot of pressure. I just wasn't thinking that at time.

I do have overly tidy habits, I do find mess stressful but I also do try to suck it up. I think it was just the last straw at the end of a stressful week.

@SherbetLemonn I needed to hear that, thank you.

I can see both points of view really. Your Mum must feel worn down with concern for both of her children who frankly are old enough to manage their own lives but neither of you are. She helps financially and practically and gets no time to herself- I feel quite sorry for her. On the other hand if she has opted to look after your children then it's not unreasonable to expect your house not to be trashed nor should visitors help themselves to your goodies. Sounds like you've had your turn with childcare and a good idea you're taking other steps now.

@BarryK3nt mum doesn't really accept apologies, she always says she doesn't want them and doesn't accept them.