Row with my mum

[cleanbreak2022]

Afternoon everyone,

I'm just looking to vent, I've had a disagreement with my mum and it's gotten out of hand, I've tried to apologise and sent flowers but she won't talk to me and my dad has now weighed in.

For context, I'm a single parent to two children. Their dad walked away almost two years ago and has little to nothing to do with them.

I have a high pressure job and I'm working full time. My parents helped me financially to take the house over when he left and support me with a day a week childcare and also help pay my monthly childcare bill.

My sister has just had a baby and needs a lot of support from my parents also, they are great.

Last night I snapped after a bad week when I came home and found nail varnish over my kitchen cupboards, worktops and floors. It had fallen out of a cupboard whilst my mum had the kids and I called her and was angry about it. I was out of order I know. She hadn't noticed and it had dried and I had to sit for hours picking it off. She was distracted because my sister was here with the baby and she was offering support to her.

I know I was wrong and I have been tearful since. She won't accept my calls, I have arranged for flowers to be sent. I just got to the end of my tether, my washing machine broke this week, my dishwasher and toilet. The school have been asking for money for trips and theme days. Work is driving me mad, I'm broke at the moment. I'm everyone's go to person and I just hit a wall.

So as not to drip feed, this isn't the first time my sister had visited when my mum had my kids and the last time my home was trashed too. I am grateful for the help, I really am. I just got to my breaking point.

It seems to have really emotionally affected me and I just want to mend it with my mum.

I spoke to my dad this morning who (rightly) told me off but then said they offer me support because i made a decision to have two children with a useless man. He left me for an affair partner after 15 years together.

I just broke and I'm not sure I can fix it and I hate the thought of my parents thinking I'm not grateful when I am.

@Mari9999 thank you. I have sent an email to preschool today to increase hours, I can reduce my working day on that day so I can work around preschool. My son is at school and I already do school drop off so it's the collection I just need to adjust for.

My deadbeat ex moved away and refuses to help out more, I have asked, him via email and through his mum. Both times I was ignored. He refuses to step up and unfortunately, no one can force that.

I won't be accepting any help going forward, it's too damaging to our relationship.

To be honest, I’d be pretty pissed off if I got home and found that level of mess, destruction and breakage - washing up left, no problem at all, but your updates definitely make it sound as though your DM isn’t up to looking after your child. I sympathise, we’ve had this with my DPs where their levels of enthusiasm don’t necessarily match their abilities and it’s tough.

Reading between the lines, it sounds as though your mum was so distracted by your DSis being there that she took her eye off the ball completely with your DC? And personally, I think helping yourself to someone else’s wine in their home is pretty off, it also sounds quite early for wine…

@WhoHidTheCoffee I think you have summed it up perfectly. I just now need to have that conversation where I say thank you, I am grateful but let's come up with another solution. I'm fearful I am going to cause further offence. My daughter is already scheduled to start nursery in January (full time) but my mum asked me to keep Fridays free for her. I could end up making everything worse but with the best intentions

Why is she drinking whilst in charge of a baby anyway?

It is such a minefield but I would just tell her you would prefer DC to go to nursery full time but make it clear your mum still more than welcome to spend time with DC and that you’ll be so grateful if she can cover for emergencies etc (as long as not putting her health at risk) and maybe if she’s really keen she wants to have older DC a little bit during the holidays.
Just having been in slightly similar situations over the years it often transpires that they didn’t actually want to be having the kids that much (even when they were the ones who offered) but they offered as they felt obliged to help out. Plus how they are doing the job isn’t necessarily as you would like, I found despite their apparent enthusiasm, my stress levels, their happiness and our relationship much improved once I was just paying a childminder/nursery to do the care

@cleanbreak2022
Have you taken the necessary steps to CMS? Even if he is unwilling to have custodial time with the kids , he should be paying his contribution to the support of his children. That should be his father than your parents obligation.

I would not refuse to accept any financial or in house child care assistance out of a desire to further damage your relationship with your parents.

I would not accept any more assistance because they have gone above and beyond anything that is was reasonable to accept. I would tell them how immensely grateful I am for the assistance that they have given, but that I feel that as an adult it is time for me to manage on my own.

You want your parents to know that you are grateful. You do want them feeling that you are only making a change because your relationship is being damaged.

Parents often measure their success as parents by the decisions that their children make and the way that their children handle adversity. Your father's statement about your ex suggests that they may feel some guilt about the success in equipping you with effective decision making skills as relates to partner selection.

At this point the only feelings that should be expressed are your immense gratitude for their help in your time of need and their relief that you recognize the value of what they were able to provide and their satisfaction in knowing that you are able to move forward on your own.

I

I don’t think you’ve done much wrong by complaining about the nail varnish. That would be super annoying.

Your parents are being generous no doubt but I don’t like the sound of this “she never accepts apologies” - you sound in thrall to them, is it her way or the highway?

@Mari9999 yes, I am going through CMS, I have my local MP involved and DWP are having it looked at by a senior investigator as I have raised a complaint so high. That's another thread but essentially my children are not receiving what they should.

The assistance with childcare was due to end in December always. when my ex left the family home, my daughter was 15 months old and the childcare bill to allow me to work is/was crippling which I why my parents offered to help. I adjusted my working hours at the time, this enabled me to secure the mortgage in my name and keep the house safe, but was a double edge sword in terms of childcare. The day a week assistance just tipped the balance to make it workable.

My daughter will receive funded hours as of January and hopefully CMS will complete their investigation. I was on a call to them on Friday which just compounded my stress levels. It's taken months just to get a call back from the complaints team and will take months to get any resolution.

I really am trying all different angles. I'm not entitled to any state support, if I reduce my working I can't make ends meet, if I increase my working, I increase the childcare bill. It will helpfully settle down in January. The cost of living crisis has hit me hard but I am working my way through it. I couldn't have done it without my parents. I will make it good again.

“mum doesn't really accept apologies, she always says she doesn't want them and doesn't accept them.”

I found this a bit chilling to read. Does your mum never think she’s wrong? Has she herself never felt she owed someone an apology? I’m always inclined to accept apologies because I get things wrong often and I am often the one needing to apologise and be forgiven.

@Comtesse yes, mum isn't a shrinking violet, quite the opposite, she's a force to be reckoned with. Previous to my relationship breaking down I had never asked for help and support. I had always done it alone. Which led to the conversation where they said they 'loved me asking for help'

I was on my backside with the rug pulled from under me. They stepped in at that point and helped me. It's been almost two years now so I have had time.

That said, I think you were in the wrong and it sounds like your mother needs a bit of time to get over it.

@cleanbreak2022
Your additional information indicates why this has been a stressful time for all of you. Dealing with bureaucracy is almost always frustrating and usually unproductive. Your sense of urgency is never a mutual sense of urgency. Hopefully, whatever outcome that you are expecting will be achieved.

I don’t blame you for lashing out after what seems like a truly horrible week.

@cleanbreak2022 - you must be exhausted, with so much going on.

It may help to know I behaved worse than you have, a few weeks ago to my lovely parents because I was stressed & had to sincerely apologise for my bratty behaviour, so you're certainly not alone... and I didn't have half as much happening as you do.

I found the 'doesnt take apologies' bit very strange. To say that to your own kids kind of puts them in the position that they must never challenge or get it wrong because Mum won't forgive. That's a lot to carry.

We are human. Every single one of us makes mistakes. We apologise and move on, having learned the lesson. The people who love us, know us well enough to extend us some grace & forgive the occasional out of character slip up.

I think it will be fine & your mum will miss you & her grandchild very soon. Your dad was way out of line, so ignore that rubbish for now.

I'd stop apologising & just let it breathe for a while. You're okay, it'll be okay 👍

Op you have ignored what I said??
It gets even worse as its your DM who has damaged your house.
I agree it's time to step back from using her as CC but do you really think pulling down curtains, breaking a wardrobe and letting nail polish spill over someone's kitchen is normal behaviour?
It isnt
The bit about " loving you needing help" and your Dsis drinking and unable to care for her own child are awful.
Family support is usually given freely and with love, enabling acopia in your DS and punishing you by destruction of your home is abnormal.
Giving you the silent treatment as you spoke up and refusing your apology?
Please look up toxic family dynamics
It's all there

Maybe your parents want to have their own life and not have to endless help with grandchildren all the time?

Why can you not use more proper childcare?

Whilst, as you say, you were in the wrong to have a go, perhaps, there are a few things in your posts that show this is not all on you...

Your mother is perhaps not up to looking after your child, as the amount of damage shows. The fact she managed to wreck your curtain rail and wardobe in one day, while your child wrecked your cushion covers, suggests this. And that nail varnish fell out of a cupboard and she didn't notice! If I was in someone's house for the day, I would do my pots. I wouldn't leave them for that person to find when they got home from work.

It might be that she doesn't want to admit it, or maybe she's always been quite clumsy and disorganised, but maybe she just isn't cut out to mind small children.

Your DS is clearly struggling with her baby, and that is feeding into the situation. When she comes around, it distracts your Mum further (in fact from what you've said, that's when all the incidents happen). And I can see why - if she pours herself a wine (who in their right mind opens a bottle of wine in someone else's house without checking first?) and sits chatting, while your DM looks after a 6 week old baby, noone is watching the 3 year old. It just isn't going to work.

You said your DM will never accept an apology. Kind as she has been over the past 2 years with childcare, and money, this is not a good personality trait and, again, has fed into this situation. I think that normally in this situation a mum would have accepted your apology and moved on fairly quickly, seeing all the stress you're under (and accepting how irritiating it would be to come home to nail varnish all over your kitchen).

And your dad's comments were plain unfair.

So yes, your first reation wasn't good. But you realised that and apologised. You can do no more. It isn't like you're always doing it. There were mitigating reasons. But there are other dynamics in your family which have turned the drama into a crisis. It isn't all on you.

It all sounds very chaotic, is your mother normally this accident prone? I get bad luck and freak accidents but from what you described I'd worry she was pissed. Helping yourself to someone's wine is also odd, do they both have drink problems?

Personally I'd just stick to visiting them with your children and having them over when you're also there. Agree that they don't sound up to coping with small children.

Did they really insist or was it was mentioned and it is easier if they did it?

We only have the op's version

Sounds like your sister needs to get her big girl pants on. Is she a teenager?

cleanbreak

This is not all on you at all and there are some red flags re your parents that have been missed completely; not least of all your mother never accepting apologies, their insistence on doing childcare, her enabler and bystander H gunning for you, your sister turning up at your home when your mother was present and drunk wine that was a gift to you from a friend (how entitled is that?). I would think if you tried doing that at either your mother's or sister's house there would be hell for you to pay. I have not even mentioned the rest re your house being trashed twice whilst your mother has been there.

You are supposed to even now to accept all this without complaint; that has been one of your roles here in your family. What was your childhood like growing up with your sister?. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles.

They were delighted that you needed their "help" but it was not really help they gave you because you did not ask for it. Their "help" is always conditional; never altruistic. It further cemented in their heads that you are still not "capable" somehow. They believe they are always right and they always tell you what to do.

I would be giving you a copy of "If you had controlling parents" by Dr Dan Neuharth to read. Your parents are in those pages. Look at toxic family dynamics because as Littlemousesing states all the ingredients for that are there.

I think it’s striking that your parents have “ridden to the rescue” of you and your sister with children.

Perhaps they enjoy feeling like rescuers?

Sounds very unhealthy for you sister in particular though.