Row with my mum

[cleanbreak2022]

Afternoon everyone,

I'm just looking to vent, I've had a disagreement with my mum and it's gotten out of hand, I've tried to apologise and sent flowers but she won't talk to me and my dad has now weighed in.

For context, I'm a single parent to two children. Their dad walked away almost two years ago and has little to nothing to do with them.

I have a high pressure job and I'm working full time. My parents helped me financially to take the house over when he left and support me with a day a week childcare and also help pay my monthly childcare bill.

My sister has just had a baby and needs a lot of support from my parents also, they are great.

Last night I snapped after a bad week when I came home and found nail varnish over my kitchen cupboards, worktops and floors. It had fallen out of a cupboard whilst my mum had the kids and I called her and was angry about it. I was out of order I know. She hadn't noticed and it had dried and I had to sit for hours picking it off. She was distracted because my sister was here with the baby and she was offering support to her.

I know I was wrong and I have been tearful since. She won't accept my calls, I have arranged for flowers to be sent. I just got to the end of my tether, my washing machine broke this week, my dishwasher and toilet. The school have been asking for money for trips and theme days. Work is driving me mad, I'm broke at the moment. I'm everyone's go to person and I just hit a wall.

So as not to drip feed, this isn't the first time my sister had visited when my mum had my kids and the last time my home was trashed too. I am grateful for the help, I really am. I just got to my breaking point.

It seems to have really emotionally affected me and I just want to mend it with my mum.

I spoke to my dad this morning who (rightly) told me off but then said they offer me support because i made a decision to have two children with a useless man. He left me for an affair partner after 15 years together.

I just broke and I'm not sure I can fix it and I hate the thought of my parents thinking I'm not grateful when I am.

It's good you recognise just how unreasonable you've been here. I'd be mortified and my mum would be very hurt - and I get much less help.

All you can do is apologise. Not sure how old your kids are but maybe you could do some work with them on cleaning up after themselves?

Maybe also share with your mum how you're planning to manage your emotions better. I wouldn't mention your sister or your stressful week etc as it comes across as minimising your actions.

Good luck

Financial help plus childcare for 2 kids one day a week is ALOT and your mum sounds stretched very thin. Not unreasonable for them to have snapped.

For context I had a massive row with my parents recently because they felt taking care of DD(5) twice a month was too much. I'm an only child, and she's their only grandchild, yet they still feel I'm expecting too much of them. DH is around but usually absent due to work. My parents are well aware that I need time to work but they find taking care of one child too stressful.

I know it's a lot. I'm really disappointed in myself.

My other child is 9 and at school until 4:20, I'm home at 4:30, the school is almost opposite my home.

@WhoWhereHow I really don't want to minimise it and I am expecting less help. It's my own doing. I'm just heart felt sorry I did it. I knew I was cracking in the middle of the week and just let it build up.

Bless you. It all sounds a bit unsustainable- your sister’s struggle has caused everything to topple a bit.

it’s good you are thinking things through.

something that really helped me when life was overwhelming- whose problem is it, and is it actually a problem?
water marks on the window aren’t actually a problem- they can wait until next time they are due a clean, or be done when they reach the top of your to do list. There is no actual harm in having water marks on windows. Ditto nail varnish, assuming it’s your kitchen not a landlord’s.

problems are things that can’t be easily undone, like an upset mum or an injured child.

whose problem is it? Things like a child refusing to wear a coat. It’s irritating but it’s their own problem- they will put it on when they get cold.

💐

she must be really angry at you to not even accept a phone call, sounds like they’ve fed up with being taken for granted / put upon and have decided enough enough, it’s one thing to financially support you but you’ve basically lost your rag because you don’t think she’s doing a good enough job during her free childcare.

I can’t even sugar coat it, if I was your mum I’d be furious too.

and from their point of view they don’t know if you’re genuinely sorry or you’re just desperate to get her back on the clock.. and depending what you said, you sound like you resent your mum helping your sister (I don’t think you are from what you’ve explained, but she could think that depending on how you worded your rant).

Sending flowers is a pisstake btw, they’re helping you because you’re struggling financially and you’re wasting money on something like that.. that would go down like a lead balloon if it was me.

I’m sorry to sound harsh, but this all boils down to the fact that you’re unreasonably uptight about tidiness/cleanliness, THAT’s what you need to apologise for.. and you need to change your expectations to boot. But don’t use all these excuses, ‘work, stress, washing machine, money for trips’ Because those excuses just aren’t a good enough reason to explain your massive outburst on the day, and complaining about money to the only people actually helping you with money is unbelievable.

I hope she comes round op, but you need to start treating her as a mum first, childcare and bank last.

I'd be really pissed off too but you just have to swallow it don't you, when someone is helping you out so much. Personally I'd stop apologising now. Just give her some space to come round. What your Dad said was really spiteful though. Does he often go for the jugular like that?

@sandyhappypeople thank you. I thought twice about the flowers I really did. I haven't told my parents about any other worries I had, I know they had enough of their plate. I was trying to convey my head space at the time. My rant was more of 'there's nail varnish all over the kitchen it's dried in, how did it get there? It's not budging!'

I'm not apologising to get them back doing anything. I just want to make it right. I'm fully expecting to be told to sod off. I know I would in her position.

@pickledandpuzzled thank you. I really hate any ill feeling. I don't care about anything else, I just want to speak to my mum. Whether she accepts my apology or not, I don't mind. I'm just sorry.

Your mother is coping with a huge renovation that alone is hell we had builders etc in for months when we had teenagers, no kitchen etc. I said never again. OH and I are rowing because he wants to do it again in our retirement house. I said no. He said he'll divorce me. I said okay. It's so stressful I know I couldn't cope living in the chaos again.

@BethDuttonsTwin I think my dad saying that has really hurt me. I have honestly been trying my best. Maybe I deserved it for being a brat. He doesn't normally say things like that, but I suspect he's felt like that for a while. I don't know how we come back from that. I feel terrible that they feel I put them in this position. I didn't ask for it. My daughter was 15mos old when her dad left. I didn't ask for any support from my parents. They insisted on it. I only accepted it as a last resort. Their words were 'we love that you need our help and we are in a position to help, we love doing it'. I'm not a bad person, I just had a bad time. No excuses I know.

A different perspective here but I’d be quite worried that a dc could cause so much havoc and nobody noticed!
Is your dm up to this childcare?

Sorry but I don't think you're quite as to blame as PPs seem to be enjoying pointing out, OP. Your mum was in charge of your children - favour or not! - she should've been watching them! If they managed to do that much damage, they were obviously unsupervised for long enough to have also come to harm without her realising! Those who seem to get stuck on the whole "but she's doing it as a favour" would struggle to use that excuse in court if god forbid, a small child got killed or seriously injured because a grandparent wasn't supervising them! Doing a parent a favour by watching their children, still requires actual watching to be done!

The sister came round and got pissed with OP's mum who then left OP's small children unsupervised long enough to get tiny polish brushes all over a kitchen - that being something that would take quite a while I'd imagine!

Jealousy? Really? OP's children could've been seriously injured or worse! Goodness me

gets no time to herself- I feel quite sorry for her You've just made that narrative up all by yourself!

Maybe I deserved it for being a brat.

No, you didn't. It was mean and unnecessary and irrelevant to this current situation and frankly I would be bringing it up as evidence that we ALL lose our tempers and say and do things we don't mean when sad and stressed don't we?

I throw my hat onto the ring and say I think parents expectations these days seems to be a growing issue. Being in my 40s I have both grandchildren and young children myself. My grandchildren are lovely but personally find looking after any children except my own a very difficult and stressful experience. I suppose you just get into tune with your own children and can relax a lot more in a way you can’t when taking on the huge responsibility of looking after someone else’s young child. I love spending time with my grandchildren but don’t necessarily want to provide childcare while they are still so young, although would be of course willing to in an emergency.
I imagined being a grandparent would be very much like the role grandparents seemed to have in my childhood, Sunday roasts, spoiled us at Christmas and when we were a bit older, a fun filled week at there’s over the summer going on day trips, to the cinema etc, financial help was maybe buying us our school shoes for the new school year. Parents increasingly now seem to expect and feel entitled to so much more and almost seem to feel cheated if demands requests not met. Sadly being a grandparent these days seems much more about meeting the parents needs than the grandparent/child. It’s sad that this can range from resenting their parents to some going to the extreme of them being willing to totally destroy any chance of a relationship if grandparents not meeting these new world expectations

P.s. OP, your mum will definitely forgive you and no doubt have calmed down enough to start talking to you soon. Its just in her day it was seen as the child not the carers fault that the kids trashed the house, she’s no doubt brooding that your blaming her rather than having put these things out of reach or taught child not to touch them then with all the other resentment boiling over too. I totally get where you’re coming from as last thing you needed after a stressful week and parents these days much more hypervigelent so probably wouldn’t have happened under your watch. It’s just a massive clash of all sorts of things but you sound a lovely person and she sounds lovely so things will settle x

Totally agree.
Sounds like there is a toxic family dynamic at play here.
DS is golden child and you are the scapegoat.
DS has a young baby, gets drunk drinking YOUR wine that was a gift to you, her DC trash your house repeatedly but you are to blame for bringing it up.
Your fault my fat arse!
Your DM and DF are enabling this behaviour in your DS.and too scared of her to tackle it.
Wardrobes trashed, curtains pulled down and nail polish all over the kitchen
WTAF!
I wouldn't apologise I would be pulling back from both of them.

Your sister hasn't looked after her baby alone for 6 weeks? Why not?

@Frith2013 she's 'not confident enough yet'. That's how she describes it, it's not me being obnoxious. I do think there is something going on there so I can understand why my mum is frazzled and distracted. She's had 24/7 support from people since the baby was born.

My first thought was why was nail varnish even in the kitchen?

My second thought was that I think your children have a discipline problem if they are 'trashing the house'. What are they doing that results in curtains coming off the poles and wardrobe rails being broken? Both take some doing and I'm sure your Mum didn't do it (although she might try and cover for her grandchildren). I think you need to have a conversation with your children and set some boundaries for when they are with your Mum.

You've sent flowers so now give your Mum time to breathe. Don't ask for any favours for a while and hope she feels less taken for granted in the future.

You are only human and you have a lot on. There is only so much one person can take.

I am sure it will be fine with your mum

Hi OP, you know you did something wrong and have apologised. You're human and not perfect and make mistakes, we all do. You are juggling a lot and are under pressure. Your mum will come round just give her time don't force it.

@SleepingisanArt the nail varnish was in the medicine cupboard up high to stop the little one getting hold of it. My sister asked my mum for some calpol and it was taken out to get to it.

The curtains were allegedly pulled by my mum in the hot weather. She's quite short (under 5ft) and the curtain got caught so she pulled it quite hard. There are blinds also in the room so I did wonder if the curtains couldn't be drawn to pull the blinds. In the same room is the wardrobe. My mum wanted something out of it (I don't know what) used the bottom rail to lever up to the top and pulled it all down. Both accidents, but both on the same day, along with cushion covers needing washing as whilst mum was in the bedroom, she had left the 3yr old down stairs drawing with a blue felt tip. Queue all over the sofa.

It just felt that a little bit of care was missing. I didn't even mention it the last time. I was irked that I hadn't been made aware and I only came to notice at bedtime but I sorted it and moved on. It maybe just coincidence that when these thing happen it's on days when my sister is visiting also.

@cleanbreak2022
It is possible that just as you are stressed and have reached your limit, so too your mom may be even more stressed an may have reached her limit financially, emotionally, and physically.

If may be that your parents having been stretched on alk fronts, have or are reaching the limits of what they can and/or willing to do. Ii is not just one child but 2 pulling at them to provide solutions for problems which at their ages they would have been long beyond.

Flowers and an apology are nice, but they won't provide your mom with more time, energy, patience, of money, and yet all of those are things that she has been providing.

Accept as reality that your parents may be tapped out physically, emotionally, and financially. Tell them" thank you" and then move on to making a plan B arrangement that dies not involve your parents.

It may be difficult to speak to your dead beat ex, but while he us your dead beat ex,he is your children 's forever father. Look past your feelings about him and insist that he assume some custodial responsibility for his children. You and your sister might look at combining your limited resources to pay for in-house child care for both sets of children It won't be easy, but "easy" is not going to be on your horizon fora while.