People who have loved addicts please help?

[Saturdays55]

I am extremely close to someone who's battled alcohol addiction. He hasn't drank for 5 years and has worked and functioned since he's a nice bloke but he struggles emotionally.. gets down and depressed alot. I'm sad to have learned in recent months he has now got a drug problem. He's been fooling me about what money has been for that's He's borrowed. He usually pays me back fine. I'm honestly not sure how long he's been doing it but there's little signs now looking back. Things just feeling off..

Anyway 2 times now he's messaged me in the middle of the night saying he's gone on a train to hospital in pain. His phone is always dying and hes skint and can't get home. The first time this happened he got to the hospital way to quickly and was way to vague about the visit. He had a story of a porter driving him back last time.

Anyway I was enjoying a drink last night at my house. Kids were asleep..I was relaxed. Suddenly he started messaging with anxiety and saying he was in agony. At 10.15 he said he was in bed but kept waking up in pain. I then got a message at midnight asking for £45 as he had gone to hospital again on the train and would need a taxi home. His phone was going to die. I messaged back that I didn't have that money and also its ridiculous to have done this without any money or phone charge or plan. I asked him to write my number down and call me from any phone as someone would let him make a call. It didn't happen.

This morning he's accused me of leaving him stranded etc and been very abusive. He wouldn't ring me to tell me how he got on and said he was going to sleep, yet he was on WhatsApp!! My anxiety is through the roof. I am 95% sure he's lied and made it all up.
He kinda said this morning he was done with me because I said I'm ready to walk away from him because he causes me so much worry.

I'm worried about his mental state. But I'm also exhausted and pretty down.

I wanted to reach out to others who have loved addicts for advice please.

My father was an alcoholic and I hardly spoke to my mother again after leaving home. You know what he is. You've got kids. Yet you're choosing to stay involved with this guy.

Addicts get worse, not better. The vanishingly few who do kick the addiction make their lives and their loved ones' lives about not having the addiction.

You need to ask yourself why you have such low self esteem and care so little about your kids that you are subjecting yourself and your children to this.

It's very hard but the right decision is to cut contact with him and remove him from your life.

The £45 was definitely to "pick up" and the reason he has reacted like that is because he couldn't score. Addicts lie and when things are bad they would sell their own mother to get a fix.

No way had he got a train to hospital and been assessed and discharged in less than 2 hours. He wanted the money for drugs.

You've posted about him before, haven't you? I recognise the hospital bullshit story.

You need to block him and remove him from your DCs lives. You can only harm your children and yourself by trying to help an addict who is in active addiction.

You have absolutely no responsibility to him here. Your only responsibility is to YOUR CHILDREN.

You did not make him an addict and you can't save him.

Yep, it’s money for drugs he wants. Just walk away, there’s absolutely no future in this relationship and he’ll only bring you misery.

It’s a typical ploy they ring you, tell you it’s an emergency, they need the money now and the phone is on 5% and going to die at any second (the battery that is!)
Then you start stressing and worrying and panic end up transferring the funds to his account.
Let me tell you this, and you already know deep down it’s the middle of the night rattle he’s on, (typically a Friday or Saturday) and he’s to far gone and needs more drugs.
He will manipulate, blatantly lie straight to your face, play the victim and ultimately make you feel like everything is your fault.

The only relationship he cares about is his addiction, you are a pathway to funding this.
If you don’t break free from him he will drag you down to feeling like your life is not worth living.

You cannot save him or help him, I tried and I failed with my x. I am a highly trained medical consultant, and to my shame and (arrogance) I believed I was equipped to deal with a class A addict.

I could not save/help/cure him, addiction is a complex condition, for any addict to become clean, the momentum has to come from their selves not anyone else.

OP he can destroy you if you continue to stay with him. Cold hard fact but it’s the truth.

x

He has no shame or guilt about taking money off you, money that would be better spent on your own family.

If you continue to act as both his rescuer and or saviour here you will destroy your own life as well as that of your kids. Is that what you really want, is he really worth it. He targeted you deliberately in order to exploit your kindness and your boundaries. These likely already skewed by previous abuse and poor life experience, are being further eroded by this man.

Yes I've posted before. It's just I wanted to see if anyone has been through this before who can understand the heavy feeling I feel about leaving him to "rot"

I was thinking he may owe somebody money rather than it being a fix..he tends to ask for 20s and say its for weed when he's up to something. But if he's in trouble and won't tell me that's his choice. I can't help him if he's lying. I don't have the money anyway.

He went off to sleep at 9am and silence.

I just feel so anxious and stressed. I'm trying so hard. I'm not meaning to choose him.over my kids, they don't see him. It's ofcourse making me sad when I want to enjoy my own time with them though.

He will find another mug to sponge off and tell false sob stories to.

What are you getting out of this?. Read about codependency and see how much this relates to your own behaviour in this dysfunctional relationship.

what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

I loved a heroin addict once and all of the erratic behaviour and demands you describe are so familiar. You can't fix him or save him and this is much bigger than you are. He will not put you above his addiction and physiologically he can't as his body needs it. Right now you either need to get some very very clear boundaries (no money, no late night calls, no bringing you into his drama, no verbal abuse)... or just go no contact and cut him off. I'd recommend the second personally.

I really don't. I think he's numbed my brain with his drama. I get scared he will get beaten up or die sometimes. I do pull him up on his behaviour. I think that I'm really really processing the lies and dishonesty recently and I don't want to deal with him really. He just always needs me for something. I am starting to consider therapy to help me work out how to stop fighting with myself emotionally over this. I know it reads frustratingly but I've had several years of this now. I'm grinded down and struggling. I struggle so much with what's real and what's not with him.

Yes I know what it’s like to live with an addict. Your idealising him and you can’t see his true self. You don’t have any option other than to get him to leave. You know this. He can only help himself and he can take the pain away and work on himself but not in your house. You DO know the answer. You want us to tell you it will be ok, that there are strategies to fix and it will be ok? NO. That isn’t going to happen AT ALL. End it now. Then take your time to figure how you want to live your life, not in the shadow of an addict.

Who is he? Is he your child or family member? It's actually doing him a kindness to cut him off and not give him money as if you give him money you are enabling him. The only way he might get the gift of desperation and to pursue the recovery he needs to want for himself is it people like you stop giving him money. This is not fair on you or your children. I would second channelling your energy into looking into codependency as well. Melody Beattie has a book called 12 steps for codependency and I found it so helpful and also read it quickly. When your dealing with an addict in active addiction normal rules don't apply cos they are sick and would do anything for a fix. I am in recovery myself, 7 years sober but even those addicts who manage to stay clean and sober can have appalling behaviour. Hope you get some peace of mind and keep this man away from your kids.

@Zola1 I can see I'm stuck and can see what I need to do but my mind is freezing. I get relieved on his good days and Bury my head in the sand. Then on his bad days I'm wanting to run away and forget him. I almost feel I want to hand him over to someone else so I know he has one decent person around him. I'm the only genuine person he has. Everyone else has left. He's smoking crack and he's hid it fairly well. But I've seen a few signs now and alot of money stuff and lies, also a random mugging and being asked in the street if he's paid some money back. It's all pretty traumatic and I'm not from that world at all. I'm heartbroken for him but I can't cope anymore. I love him but I don't particularly like him. I know he's capable of cheating and talking to other women aswel as drugs and money. He's an all round nightmare but walking away feels so so hard and I'm dreading the pain I will go through trying to adapt to it all.

I try fix all his problems for him and I've stopped living a genuine happy life of my own..I dont focus on myself. Everyday for 3 years plus now I've woke up and he's in my head screaming all day everyday. I can't get him out my head he's messed me up that much. Yet I've always been fine and normal before. Is it trauma bond or co dependancy? I don't know. I've always had good Kents health before him. I'm positive and get things done. I dont even smoke. I had a couple of good friends and a mortgage. I am pretty normal I think. I think I'm trying to show him a nice peaceful life with me. He says he wants that life.

I've very rarely seen him "off his face" I've only seen moody days or snappy days. So I don't see or know when he's doing drugs. It's weird.

Can I just apologise to anyone who thinks I'm being ridiculous. I'm honestly feeling extremely sad and confused.

@Pinkjacket22 what addiction did you suffer from and did you honestly care or love people at that point?

If he does die he will have done it to himself.

It is callous but I have seen the utter shit addicts put people that love them through. They usually have some massive underlying problem but it’s not yours to sort out and really they have to decide they want to. They could have the best therapist in the world and the best rehab programme. It may not work.

Drug taking also means he is supporting criminals who exploit men, women and children. Money laundering , slavery, prostitution. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

@ShadowsontheHill

100% agree. I can give him £50 and buy his shopping and 48 hours later I'm in the dog house! They are completely selfish. The compulsive lying is killing me now. Everything is a fucking lie. He's never where he says he is. Hes just got a flat and he's not invested anything into it. Only into the pockets of scumbags. I'm sick of it all. I've been in fight or flight mode all year. Watching him struggle and sleep rough. Loosing jobs..starving. crying. Then he has a few good weeks and I think finally. Then back to depressed and stuck.

Can you get to an Al Anon group? They're very helpful

It won't get better. Just ignore him. I am also 95% sure he has lied to you about needing money to get back from hospital.

Ive loved an addict, still do as it happens. We are not in a relationship and they are still an addict.

Please stop letting him manipulate you like this.

who taught you that you had to fix him?.This you cannot do anyway. The only person who can help him is him and he does not want to do so. You’re being well and truly used here by him and he will discard you all too readily as well when you are of no further use to him.

I think youve got to look at your childhood, why this saving rescuing is so important to you. I had horrendous childhood and it showed in adult relationships. I let men walk allover me and they put minimal in whilst i put in maximum. I tried to change and save them..make them see sense. All i did was make myself unhappy to the point of severe mental illness and they dont change for anyone.
Youre his cash cow atm. Youve got to get out of this relationship. He has no feelings for you whilst hes dependent on drugs etc. Youre just a means to an end. You have no responsibility towards him. Just to yourself and your kids. Block him, he will bleed you dry of money and emotional well-being

The only thing I've always felt is that my mum didn't really do the comforting and emotional side of things. She wasn't nasty. But she wasn't encouraging and supportive. She has made me feel shit and small at times about myself. I think I know how it feels to not get that side of things so I over compensate because I would have loved that support in life.