People who have loved addicts please help?

[Saturdays55]

I am extremely close to someone who's battled alcohol addiction. He hasn't drank for 5 years and has worked and functioned since he's a nice bloke but he struggles emotionally.. gets down and depressed alot. I'm sad to have learned in recent months he has now got a drug problem. He's been fooling me about what money has been for that's He's borrowed. He usually pays me back fine. I'm honestly not sure how long he's been doing it but there's little signs now looking back. Things just feeling off..

Anyway 2 times now he's messaged me in the middle of the night saying he's gone on a train to hospital in pain. His phone is always dying and hes skint and can't get home. The first time this happened he got to the hospital way to quickly and was way to vague about the visit. He had a story of a porter driving him back last time.

Anyway I was enjoying a drink last night at my house. Kids were asleep..I was relaxed. Suddenly he started messaging with anxiety and saying he was in agony. At 10.15 he said he was in bed but kept waking up in pain. I then got a message at midnight asking for £45 as he had gone to hospital again on the train and would need a taxi home. His phone was going to die. I messaged back that I didn't have that money and also its ridiculous to have done this without any money or phone charge or plan. I asked him to write my number down and call me from any phone as someone would let him make a call. It didn't happen.

This morning he's accused me of leaving him stranded etc and been very abusive. He wouldn't ring me to tell me how he got on and said he was going to sleep, yet he was on WhatsApp!! My anxiety is through the roof. I am 95% sure he's lied and made it all up.
He kinda said this morning he was done with me because I said I'm ready to walk away from him because he causes me so much worry.

I'm worried about his mental state. But I'm also exhausted and pretty down.

I wanted to reach out to others who have loved addicts for advice please.

What do you think you love about him?

He’s unreliable.
He lies.
He wakes you up in the middle of the night trying to scrounge money.
He treats you like you’ve done something wrong for not giving him money.

I could probably go on. What on earth do you see in him? Don’t you love yourself more than this?

Do AA let those collaterally affected by alcoholism attend too then? I thought it was just for the addict themselves?

I don't think you're ridiculous.

I do think you need to get some support though. You're wasting your life on him. Even if he was to get clean (he isn't even thinking about this by the way, he's just thinking about where his next rock is coming from). You'd spend the rest of your life wondering if he's going to relapse.
He made the choice to smoke it and ever since, crack has been more important than you.

I'm so sorry if that's too blunt. I just wish someone said these things to me years ago.

Families anonymous was a bit of a saviour for me

I agree with all the previous posters.

This is to follow in from Fruitbrewhaha’s post. That’s why I ask about your dad OP. Some times women who have not been made to feel worthwhile by a father or father figure will settle for/ hope for the love of a similarly inadequate man int he hope they can turn the situation around, make them pay attention to and love them, and so heal their childhood. Understanding why we fall for men who actually are never going to meet our needs can help break the spell. It does take time though and right now the priority is to disentangle yourself from this manipulative addict.

Al anon is for anyone who has been affected by another persons drinking. Family or friend. Excellent organisation.

Thank you

After my DSis separated from her alcoholic “D”H. He wanted to take their daughter out for lunch to celebrate her birthday. Knowing that he wouldn’t have any money DSis gave her daughter £50 to pay for the lunch. ExDH had organised to meet up with his own DSis and her DH for lunch. He let them foot the bill and pocketed the £50. My niece thought he’d paid their share but Dsis’s exSIL ( also long standing close friend) told her. He also stole electronics from the girls and probably much more over the years. In the 10yrs they were together he only held a job down for about 6mnths.
DSis ex spent years scamming my DSis for money for alcohol. She ended it when it had a serious impact on my business. We jointly owned a property and used a joint bank account to keep it separate from everything else, but when an account of my exBIL was put in special measures ( no idea why) because it was linked to her joint account with him which was then linked to Dsis’s and my joint account the bank closed down all the accounts temporarily. My business account was moved to a special department, I wasn’t informed of any of this and only found out because we were refused a mortgage application and given no reason. I chased it up and was directed to the “special” dept who could not tell me anything because my account was there by association so data protection meant they couldn’t disclose anything.
All hell broke loose and exBIL was marched down to the bank to close the joint account with DSis. After much telephoning my account was transferred back to my manager and the mortgage application reversed. To this day we have no idea why exBIL’s account caused so much trouble. He lied left right and centre. He refused to divulge the problem.
Sorry it’s a long one but experience has taught me that you should avoid involving yourself financially with an addict. They will go to extreme lengths to get their hands on money.

You are focusing on helping him as a way of making yourself feel worthy due to the how you feel your mum was. He is the only person who can fix his life. You are enabling him to continue the way he is by stepping in.

Thank you all. Its helped to read other people's experiences etc. Well it's been 3 hours and I've not responded to his last cruel message. I've made myself some crumpets and tea and I'm already in bed I'm going to go to sleep Earlish and do some research on my phone to try help myself keep strong and focused.

I feel I'm stuck at wanting him happy and safe but not wanting to deal with it no more. He breaks my heart but I'm not strong enough anymore. I've lost 3 years plus of my life. I've spent most of it anxious and worried. I've been given the bare minimum and no progress has ever been made.

I feel silly but the last few days all I've thought about is My kids being babies and toddlers again. Those happier years before all this. My aches for those peaceful feelings again. But there's also this sadness that one day I won't know him anymore and he won't exist in my life. Why does that feel so Terrible? I did genuinely love him. Now I just feel sorry for him.

My dad is a great person. Worked hard. Protective. Still drives me to work on Friday mornings because I can't walk there. He's a very loyal family man. I think it was my mum who bashed my confidence and I'd always dated quiet lads who never seemed to gwt things done. I was lonely in lockdown. I met him in person that year and he's a trade worker and he just seemed really upbeat and hardworking and outdoorsy. I was attracted to the masculine side of him before I knew the real truth underneath.

I still look back now on meeting him that day and somehow it feels it was someone else. It's very sad feeling.

All of these intense feelings of despair you have about him are preoccupying you over long periods of time which means that you are emotionally neglecting your own DC.

You cannot be emotionally available to your DC in the necessary positive upbeat attuned way 24/7 they require if you are in a depressed, anxious, fractious mood.

You cannot be in two emotional places at once.

Choose your DC.

They obviously already are in emotional deficit if their parents are not together - and now for the last 3 years their main resident parent is focused elsewhere compulsively chasing an addict.

Choose to love your DCs more than your own urges. Decide to conserve your finite time, headspace and emotional energy and prioritise and redirect it to them.

They will be feeling lonely, confused and will be internalising your despair and anxiety which will stunt their own emotional development just as your own mothers emotional unavailability stunted yours.

If you need help to pivot your focus seek that out but be honest with yourself what the costs and consequences of your current preoccupation are to your DC.

I know this is hard to hear - it is not a criticism but I hope it motivates you to look beyond this addictive relationship and consider the impact on your DCs. He will be long gone whilst you will be wrestling with the fallout with teenage MH issues. Focus here now.

Deceit is a function of addiction. It's almost as if the addiction becomes another part of the brain, battling with the person you love for control. They tell themselves all sorts of lies to justify the horrendous way they treat others. When the addict is in control you haven't a hope in hell of reaching the reasonable person you knew.
My stbexdh is from a family of addicts, the deceit is all consuming. Please don't take it personally but do maintain very firm boundaries; an addict is incapable of caring about your feelings when they are in the grip of addictive behaviours.

Sorry if this has already been said but he is not the only one with an addiction. You are also addicted - to him, his drama and chaos, the intensity of the emotions this inspires in you.

And sadly your addiction to this relationship has distanced you from properly focusing on your kids, and from your own well being.

Prioritise overcoming your own addiction and your love for your kids. Good luck.

Thank you. I absolutely agree I need to train my mind back onto me and my children. I've just lost myself through worry it's been hard. The suicidal threats. The silence. The going missing. I'm exhausted by it. All of you have helped and I've read all comments and taken alot on board.

I'm currently worried about him attempting suicide but I have got to accept he has choices and if he wanted to reach out he would..

@Saturdays55 don't wait for him to reach out. He will reach out to you eventually because he has been using and manipulating you for so long. Put your DC first. You seem absolutely consumed by this man and his chaotic lifestyle. He will drag you and your children down no end, don't allow that to happen to your children. They deserve better than that and you know it. Get rid and don't look back.

Sorry but you are still in denial and looking for reasons to excuse YOUR compulsive preoccupation with this last comment.

What realistically do you want to hear? “Oh yes you need to be in high alert 24/7, stick a blue light on your head and go tearing off at a moments notice”

Suicide threats are the top trump of the addicts arsenal.

The reality is that they choose a slow suicide each day with substance abuse.

Choose to make yourself emotionally calm and available for your DC.

Get professional help if you are unable to do this alone.

Pp are right. You are still very much in denial.The man you loved either never existed or has, essentially, died already. You must choose to break the chains of your addiction to him and to a sentimental, romantic, image of yourself. He can save himself, perhaps, but you can’t be involved. You will never get any credit, or recognition, or reward, for hanging on waiting for him to ask for help. He will use you until he has sucked you dry and then go exploit some other fool.

Break the addiction. Block contact , refuse contact, and distract yourself. Rebuild your shattered sense of self. Move on.

My DB stole money from me for drugs and I reported him to the police. I understand the feeling entirely, especially as I am naturally empathetic it weighs heavy on me.

But logically, you can't help an addict, only they can help themselves with professional help. You risk being an enabler. The only thing you can do is cut off any supply of money. You will quickly find out how important you are to them. You need to decide if you can have them in your life in any capacity and if not you need to be honest that you don't feel safe with them having access to you then remove all contact. No one would blame you. Please put your safety and mental wellbeing first. As PPs have said I can assure you an addict is a vortex of your time and money, even my own DB who I could not fathom could do that but that is drugs for you.

OP you need to keep saying to yourself it’s not your fault , it’s not your problem and you cannot change him or cure him. The suicide threats are manipulative and frankly abusive behaviour. If he threatens it then contact the police and let them deal with it.
Most of all protect yourself and your children. The final straw for my DSis was when her ex assaulted one of her teenage daughters. There was no return from that. Please don’t let it get to that stage however sorry you feel for him.

Thank you. I know I'm in denial about things and I've excused his behaviour for a very long time thinking he can't help it. I have alot of emotional recovery to do.

It's now morning and first time we've not spoke for this long. I did wake a few times feeling anxious as I didn't reply to his last message but I know it was the right thing to do. I need to Try get through today now.

I'm currently worried about him attempting suicide but I have got to accept he has choices and if he wanted to reach out he would..

I'm not sure if I'm reading your message correctly but it seems like you think if he reached out to you if he was contemplating suicide then it would be a sign you mattered?

Perhaps I'm mistaken but either way threatening suicide as a means of emotionally manipulating someone is abusive and you should ignore him.

Even if you were a qualified mental health professional you would not be in a position to help him because this is a personal relationship and a very messed up one at that.

Protecting addicts from consequences is not the act of kindness you think it is, it prevents or delays addicts reaching the rock bottom which is usually the necessary starting point for real recovery.

He may use manipulation to make you feel bad about not pandering to his every whim but your course of action until now has not helped him and has caused you considerable problems, it's time to stop.

Both DH and I have battled active addiction. The pain that it causes everyone is immense. I can honestly say in the middle of the madness your health, happiness and well-being would not have mattered to me. I would have told you anything to get what I felt I needed or wanted from you. Active addiction destroys absolutely. You know what you need to do but it's hard. Be firm with your boundaries. Put distance in and don't give any money - even buying food or necessities for him rather than giving money will cushion his fall. It's awful but he needs to hit his bottom before he will be ready to change. Be prepared for anger, tears anything that he thinks will manipulate you to give him what he wants. Think of it as a bereavement. You're allowed to feel sad for the loss of a friend. Take it one day st a time and know that nothing you do or say will help him until he is ready to help himself. This is not your fault or your responsibility. FWIW when my family/friends cut me off completely was the beginning of the end in terms of my journey. After 14yrs in recovery I can honestly say I'm thankful they made that decision and stuck to it. Our lives are unrecognisable. Iives can be rebuilt. Friendships can be rekindled. At this point though you need to prioritise you and your family and walk away. It's the kindest thing for both of you.

You are doing brilliantly. Just be really resolute when he does appear, because he will