People who have loved addicts please help?

[Saturdays55]

I am extremely close to someone who's battled alcohol addiction. He hasn't drank for 5 years and has worked and functioned since he's a nice bloke but he struggles emotionally.. gets down and depressed alot. I'm sad to have learned in recent months he has now got a drug problem. He's been fooling me about what money has been for that's He's borrowed. He usually pays me back fine. I'm honestly not sure how long he's been doing it but there's little signs now looking back. Things just feeling off..

Anyway 2 times now he's messaged me in the middle of the night saying he's gone on a train to hospital in pain. His phone is always dying and hes skint and can't get home. The first time this happened he got to the hospital way to quickly and was way to vague about the visit. He had a story of a porter driving him back last time.

Anyway I was enjoying a drink last night at my house. Kids were asleep..I was relaxed. Suddenly he started messaging with anxiety and saying he was in agony. At 10.15 he said he was in bed but kept waking up in pain. I then got a message at midnight asking for £45 as he had gone to hospital again on the train and would need a taxi home. His phone was going to die. I messaged back that I didn't have that money and also its ridiculous to have done this without any money or phone charge or plan. I asked him to write my number down and call me from any phone as someone would let him make a call. It didn't happen.

This morning he's accused me of leaving him stranded etc and been very abusive. He wouldn't ring me to tell me how he got on and said he was going to sleep, yet he was on WhatsApp!! My anxiety is through the roof. I am 95% sure he's lied and made it all up.
He kinda said this morning he was done with me because I said I'm ready to walk away from him because he causes me so much worry.

I'm worried about his mental state. But I'm also exhausted and pretty down.

I wanted to reach out to others who have loved addicts for advice please.

Thank you all. I'm reading your comments and it's honestly helping me

You see....i knew all of that before you posted again. That's exactly how my childhood was. My mother. No affection, no cuddles etc. Not complimenting or congratulating on my successes. It scars us so much.
Im still working on myself, trying to break the cycle of trying to save people. I say no more. I dont pursue men who need 'rescuing'. I am looking after myself for once , you need to be away from him OP. Im 50...please dont wait. I lost decades.

Alcohol. I went through the motions and have always been a very caring person (also am codependent) so I appeared to love people but I think it's only since I got sober that I allow myself to feel these things properly and not try and render myself senseless. Honestly, the best thing you can do is walk away. If he is going to change for you that's when he would do it but most addicts don't change unfortunately. Yes you won't feel good for a while and will think you miss the person you have built him up to be but it's better than wasting more years of your young life waiting for him to change. He won't change while you are supporting him. He needs to hit his own rock bottom.

My parents were drug addicts. I've seen every excuse under the sun in their quest for money for the next hit. My mom even faked being mugged twice. Things got very very dark in the end and us kids were taken into care. There was NOTHING they wouldn't do for their next hit. I'm sure they lived us kids and their wider family but nothing any of us could do would make them stop. Their wider family cut ties and we stayed in care.

There is nothing you can do to help this man. He will not stop until he hits rock bottom and really wants to get sober.

Put some space between you now, time will sort your head out. X

@Pinkjacket22 very wise words. Love them from a distance I guess. Well he woke up read my message from 8am and ignored it. So he's staying silent. So he's not concerned about fixing or explaining. He's just no good. Yes ill struggle because it's been all about him non stop and it's been a whirlwind of stress. I remember how traumatised I felt once when he declared he was sleeping rough that coming night. He was laid on the grass with his eyes shut on a summer afternoon and I just thought this is the most depressing situation I've ever been in. There's been moments since then. I'm generally starting to feel embarrassed by him and have no desire to walk about with him. I feel terrible but he has nothing going on. I can't even tell my family because beyond slobbing about in his flat in between loosing jobs he's not living. He doesn't go out unless it's for milk or drugs. He has no hobbies or friends. I feel horrible slating him but it really is all the opposite of what I want. Days like today make me sad. We could be out walking the dogs and having a laugh but he's always indoors moody.

@Pandora55 wow I'm so sorry and thanks for sharing some of your experience. He has grown up kids that disowned him. It's all just trauma isn't it. They break so many peoples hearts with It. I can't even imagine the pain watching your own parents choose that over you.

I would consider getting counselling re your childhood at the hands of your mother. She has caused you emotional harm. This has and continues to affect you deeply and to your detriment,

I’d be wondering about your father OP. Why ar e you trying to rescue this man? Did you have a chaotic , or an emotionally unavailable father?

Ffs just don’t text him anymore. Why is it so difficult. Put your kids first. I really don’t understand this at all.

Literally run don’t walk! Leave him where he is he’s lying to you.
most likely sat at home in a filth pit doing copious amount of drugs and these messages are him panicking for his next fix.

You need to step away from this now.

Your mind is not freezing. You are making a choice to put this addict first, ahead of your children. You are responsible for what you're doing.

Name changed for this one, it feels so personal.
If you put up with this, it is the ground floor on a long descent to misery, angst, financial chaos and emotional exhaustion. I had the chance to walk away from this and I didn't, 27 years of perpetual worry, rage and helplessness that still persists, even though the person concerned is long dead.
Yes you love them and there will days, months even years when all seems good and back to normal and you congratulate yourself on getting through it, but it hasn't gone away, it is just lurking, waiting to ambush the entire family and wreak havoc all over again.
Sure people get sober, become drug free and live productive lives, but what if they don't, how many excuses will you make on their behalf for missed events, appointments and such not.
Love can blind us, we refuse to see outcomes that in hindsight were inevitable and yet we persist.
I will be hard, but leave this all behind the hurt will linger for longer than you will know. The years will pass and the children will grow up to be well adjusted adults and then you'll know in your heart, it was the right decision.

He is a grown man who has made (bad) choices. You cannot fix him.

You are a grown woman who is also making bad choices.

Stop making bad choices today. Choose a happier, stress free life.

Block him on everything, cut all contact and free yourself. In a couple of months you will wonder why you ever thought it was your job to save him from himself.

If bad things happen to him it will not be your fault.

I know of someone just like your "friend", he's dead now. Sadly he destroyed his whole family before that happened. Don't sacrifice your family for the sake of someone who does not want to be saved.

@Plasticmouse thank you. I am honestly exhausted by the constant worry and stress. Silent treatments. Being unable to enjoy my time away from him because he's moody, needy or up to no good. I worry for the day I get that call he's died or been hurt. I genuinely fell in love with him. I really really did. Sometimes he treats me with so much love and care. But sometimes isn't enough. I know that now. I think I am starting to process the truth now. A few months ago I had no real idea. So now the future doesn't feel or look the same. It's all one day, one day, one day. It's never now. It's hard accepting the person I loved is gone. He isn't coming back. Maybe he never was that person. I'm struggling to imagine him gone but I know it has to happen if I ever want to be free from this heartache I'm carrying. I need sleep so bad. I need to feel happy.

@Saturdays55 he probably has been around you off his face, crack and heroin addicts become functional addicts and use from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to bed and becomes normal to them.
I’ve been where you are, you need to walk away your wasting your precious time with him.

I should have added, don't try to hide your situation from those you trust and who can give you support, you'll feel embrassed maybe even ashamed of what is happening to you, but you are NOT to blame. Those that care for you will know that and will help on your journey back to being you.

I really wish I could sit and have a heart to heart with someone who truly understands face to face. I feel so lonely. He's just been so rude to me. I've blocked his number and going to put my phone down now in the drawer and sort my house out. I feel so angry that I don't want to argue amd defend myself in messages. This really needs to be the point I walk away. I can't go back this time. I've had enough.

Look why dont you send him a final message.

Something along the lines of, youve tried to help etc but hes got to help himself first. Suggest he calls X helpline for drug addicts. That you wish him the best and he finds inner strength to deal with his demons but there will be no further contact with you.

Block him on everything (phone/whatsapp/social media/email) and move on knowing that whatever happens to him is not your fault. He is an adult, youve offered him support, he chooses to live this life in this way.

hes bringing you down with him. Concentrate on you and your children. Thats comes first. Live a peaceful life over drama x

when they know you're on the brink of saying "go to hell", you'll get a barrage of nasty and nice, promises of reform, memories of the "good times" forget that nonsense.
Call a support line, pour it all out, they won't offer soultions but letting the bile and frothing rage out is what you need now.
If you haven't got someone to hand to share the load of all this, divert your brain to something positive, take a bath, play with the kids anything to get normalcy back, even for a little while.

Sorry, but it doesn't matter if you love him. You are choosing to let this man mess with your life. You are choosing to continue to put yourself in a position where he can hurt you, take advantage of you and make you stressed out. You are finding all kinds of excuses for why you don't walk away. None of the reasons and excuses justify you staying involved with him. You know he is no good for you. Stop wasting time analysing his behaviour and your feelings about it, and just walk away. Right now.

Do not just put the phone in a drawer; bury it in the back garden.

"I can't go back this time. I've had enough."

Make this your mantra. I would also urge you to see a BACP registered therapist regarding your childhood at your mother's hands.

read this too:

A lot of what has been said on this thread personally resonates. One of my best friends is a recovering alcoholic. Watching her spiral was literally one of the hardest things. We only really became close after she tried to get sober. Unfortunately most of her so-called friends ditched the new her. I was the one that stayed. Ironically, neither my husband or I drink at all.

My MIL is a functioning alcoholic, enabled by her entire family. It's frankly destroyed everyone. The most upsetting part is that to protect his own wellbeing, DH has literally had to go no contact with EVERYONE in his family. It's been so hard to watch him break again and again in anguish over it.

For the sake of your children, and your own sanity and safety please leave this man. It's not worth it.

I should add that the hardest thing for DH was the guilt that his mother kept saying she needed her babies around her to be okay. For months he was convinced without him she would never try and get sober. And that he could save her.

I really wish I could sit and have a heart to heart with someone who truly understands face to face

That's what Al-Anon can give you. Search the site to find a meeting near you - there are also lots of online meetings now.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/find-a-meeting/