People who have loved addicts please help?

[Saturdays55]

I am extremely close to someone who's battled alcohol addiction. He hasn't drank for 5 years and has worked and functioned since he's a nice bloke but he struggles emotionally.. gets down and depressed alot. I'm sad to have learned in recent months he has now got a drug problem. He's been fooling me about what money has been for that's He's borrowed. He usually pays me back fine. I'm honestly not sure how long he's been doing it but there's little signs now looking back. Things just feeling off..

Anyway 2 times now he's messaged me in the middle of the night saying he's gone on a train to hospital in pain. His phone is always dying and hes skint and can't get home. The first time this happened he got to the hospital way to quickly and was way to vague about the visit. He had a story of a porter driving him back last time.

Anyway I was enjoying a drink last night at my house. Kids were asleep..I was relaxed. Suddenly he started messaging with anxiety and saying he was in agony. At 10.15 he said he was in bed but kept waking up in pain. I then got a message at midnight asking for £45 as he had gone to hospital again on the train and would need a taxi home. His phone was going to die. I messaged back that I didn't have that money and also its ridiculous to have done this without any money or phone charge or plan. I asked him to write my number down and call me from any phone as someone would let him make a call. It didn't happen.

This morning he's accused me of leaving him stranded etc and been very abusive. He wouldn't ring me to tell me how he got on and said he was going to sleep, yet he was on WhatsApp!! My anxiety is through the roof. I am 95% sure he's lied and made it all up.
He kinda said this morning he was done with me because I said I'm ready to walk away from him because he causes me so much worry.

I'm worried about his mental state. But I'm also exhausted and pretty down.

I wanted to reach out to others who have loved addicts for advice please.

I grew up in an alcoholic home and married a recovered junkie (yes I was naive), they do lie so much and often that in the end yojr brain struggles to make sense of anything they say.
im
so thankful to be divorced from this for over a decade.

Others have said everything already OP, I have nothing to add really. I just wanted to confirm that in my experience this will only get worse. Stay strong, don't facilitate the drama of an addict. It doesn't help.

Having been an addict myself and then later becoming a support worker which I letter left due to too much red tape wanting to get addicts into treatment,during my time in addiction I came across a few women who thought they could change me OP or felt the need to mother me,but the reality is only those that want to stop will truly help themselves,you have children to think about and I would advise not getting to involved at the moment,its sad seeing someone you care about going through it but sometimes OP if that person is unwilling to help themselves,the best thing is to walk away you have got to protect yourself and your children

Thank you. I'm feeling particularly anxious because I heard him say more than once that without me he had nothing to keep going for. Its hard not knowing if he's OK but I'm trying so so hard. I haven't contacted him as much as my anxiety wants to know he's ok. I keep telling myself that he knows I'm here and if he didn't want to loose me he would contact me. So I'm trying to tell myself he's wanting to be left alone.

I don't think I'm going to hear from him because usually by now I have. It's weird but it's essential.

Thank you again for all your comments. They do help me see it clearer.

I really think you need professional help to break your addiction to him as much as he needs professional help to break his to drugs. You keep centering him in your posts and your imagining. It’s perfectly understandable—you have allowed him to rewire your brain to obsessively think about him and his situation. You dwell on him, receive pleasure and pain through him, and have not left many areas of life (food, shelter, weather, money) that do not raise anxious thoughts of him. This is also a characteristic of narcissistic abuse. You end up subsuming yourself to their needs and whims.

I don’t think you can “white knuckle” or “cold turkey” your way through. Please reach out to al anon and real life support. You need to say out loud to friends and family whst is going on. You need people’s support and to be held accountable. get a therapist if you can. Read up on freeing yourself from the addiction of a loved one and also read up on covert narcissism and its impact. Perhaps this will help you activate your fight/flight side snd you will be able to resist his siren song.

Everything @pikkumyy77 says is bang on.

“I keep telling myself that he knows I'm here and if he didn't want to loose me he would contact me. So I'm trying to tell myself he's wanting to be left alone.”

You are allowing him to drive this. All you are saying here is that you won’t chase him (for now) but you are still preoccupied and waiting for HIS next move.

You are not his saviour. Neither were all of the previous relationships, friends and family that were in his chaotic and exploitative vortex before you arrived 3 years ago.

You will inadvertently enable.

You are unqualified and ill equipped to support him. He would need to engage with a highly skilled multi disciplinary team - IF he chose to change.

How old are your DC and how is their emotional development being supported whilst you are distracted and consumed by your own addiction to the chaos and intensity of his lifestyle.

Please get some help.

As many PPs have said, it’s essential to turn your attention and energies towards your kids. At the moment the best part of their mother’s energies and emotions is focused on an addict- what message is that sending them? They might seem ok now, but you need to store wood for the winter by spending more time, energy and emotion on them ,otherwise when teenage hits it could get very difficult.

I had an ex who threatened suicide when things weren't going his way and wanted the questions to stop, it was his way at blackmailing me to shutup so he didn't have to face his shit.
I said that's not on me thats on you...i will ring the police then If youre genuine about the suicide attempt,? He backtracked oc. Its an attempt at control.

Btw hes fine now, got new partner (god help her). Suicide ? he didn't have the balls. Its a way to condition you so he can get his way everytime.

Will the police come to my house if I do a welfare check

Depends on the circumstances and what you say

This man’s primary relationship is with drugs. If he’s using crack then he is also probably using heroin.

You are not the person who can cure him, help him or save him from drugs. You are not a nurse, psychologist nor a psychiatrist.

Your love is not enough simply because he needs drugs more than he wants you.

Nevermind about wasting police time carrying out welfare checks I can tell you he will either be asleep or high or out looking for his next high.

Dont choose this life for your kids. You have some nerve mentioning your own mothers shortcomings whilst letting a crack head around your kids.

If you show them this is the standard to aim for thats what they will aspire to.

There are heaps of support options for him in the community so just let him crack on.

If you do see him again check his arms and body for injection marks and consider whether he has been using his own clean needles

Why would you call them to do a welfare check? What would you say to them? My drug addicted boyfriend said he's done with me and I haven't heard anything from him since?

You have been discarded because you refused to pander to his unreasonable demands. He's cut his losses and moved onto his next victim. He won't have given you a second thought because he'll be too busy trying to get the money to feed his addiction.

For your own sanity you need to treat this break in contact as your opportunity to escape rather than looking for a way back into his madness.

My ex husband is an addict.

You’re enabling him. Right now you can’t see the wood for the trees as you’re deep
in the madness with him. There’s a reason they used to call us co-addicts.

Every word out of his mouth is bullshit. Once you understand that on a deep level, things will start to make sense.

By sending him money, you’re helping him kill himself. You can’t help him or change him, only he can do that, and he’ll only have a chance at that once he’s thoroughly sick of his own bullshit and can’t run from the tragedy of his own life anymore. The more people prop him up, the less likely that is to happen.

Detach with love.

No but they also won't accept a welfare check unless you also have a legit reason

He's not dead he's just cracked out of his skull and this is how he'd have been behaving the whole time if you'd not chased him and supported him etc

Get rid. Nothing good can come of this. Deeply active in addiction. Send him some leaflets or helplines and delete and block.

Why would the police come to your house for a welfare check? Is he currently unwell in your home?

All I can say is that from my experience it doesn't get better. You can't save the other person no matter how hard you try or how much you want to. He doesn't care about you because he's not able to. Addiction distorts peoples thoughts and feelings and behaviours. But you can save yourself. Walk away because his addiction will destroy you as well as him. I got this advice on here years ago and i wish i had listened. I didn't and I lost a lot as a result.