Blazing row tonight

[Dizzy92]

DP and myself had a blazing row tonight, started by me admittedly. Sounds really silly how it started, but a bit of background. We have been together 8 years, only started living together because of Covid and he’s always been a bit on the back foot with relationship things. We have chatted about marriage, he’s more keen on getting married than I am, which is why this argument hurt so much.

Weve attended a few weddings in the last year, and he made a comment back in the spring about me having a ring on my finger by the time of my birthday. Well, my birthday is next week. We were in the pub tonight and got chatting about plans and I said I was booked in to get my nails and my toes done for my birthday night out, he made a jokey comment about not bothering getting my nails done. I did say ‘well will I not need them done if I’ll have a lovely ring to show off?’ - well aware I sound like a psycho but I was a few drinks in!

he was taken by surprise and said he couldn’t believe I’d held on to that and didn’t really mean it. and he was serious, it defo wasn’t about throwing me off the scent. So I was a bit upset and after some cross words I left the pub as didn’t want to end up rowing in public. However once at home we were arguing and he says he’s not ready for marriage, however what upsets me is that he openly says he wants to get married more than me. I want him to want it? If that makes sense. It just makes me feel like I’m the problem.

So a bit revved up by the drink, I made comments about how I’m good enough I tidy up and cook his dinners etc but not good enough to marry, and how after this long together he must know if he wants to marry me.

he then went off on one about how the house isn’t as tidy as he’d like it (do it yourself then? He does nothing. Admittedly he works crazy hours, but still!) and said I am depressing to be around - I struggle with my mental health massively and I’m fairly introverted. Was referred to mental health services to see for adhd almost two years ago now and still waiting (and have checked with them recently, so I know I’ve not been kicked off the list). He knows I struggle mentally but does nothing to help. I admit I can be messy but I do have standards! Never tells me I look nice, I have terribly low self esteem and feel he doesn’t help me with feeling nice about myself. We rarely have sex as his drive is so low (once every fe
w months), so I never initiate anymore as being constantly rejected over the years hurts too.

I understand he wants me to have more drive for life, but I said to him I need more from him. He never plans things for us to do, he moans that I don’t drive (going places on buses or trains doesn’t bother me as means I can have a drink, but I have been learning to drive and will hopefully sit my test soon). He’s very active too and moans I do no exercise and while I know my mental health will be better, I can struggle to function beyond work some days. Thankfully my works not affected too much, however I wfh in the spare room and he’s saying even with that I have no motivation for anything, just roll out of my bed and go to my desk… and he’s right. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I like etc

after the blazing row he has offered to pay for me to see someone privately as I think his eyes have been opened about how much I’m struggling mentally, but regardless he’s still saying about not getting engaged until we’re ‘better’. And I know that makes sense, but I feel now I will just be waiting for it anytime we’ve not been arguing.

I’ve never been like this in past relationships, I’ve never been fussed about marriage, I don’t know why it suddenly means so much now. But I hate who I’m becoming being obsessed with it. Anytime I see someone I know has got engaged I’ve been so jealous and annoyed that’s not me! Thing is even if we did get engaged I know I only want a small wedding - so it’s not for showing off to the world about the wedding!

the row was good in the sense the air is clear, but I just don’t know if there’s coming back from it? Maybe I’m still a bit wine drunk but I just worry we’re maybe too incompatible and only holding on now so 8 years isn’t down the tubes. I love him so much but I hate who I’ve become!

well done if you’ve read this far, I’m sick of myself just writing it!

I'm not surprised you're upset, he said that you'd be engaged by your birthday. must have known you want to be engaged but dangled that carrot in front of you then pulled it away, and to add insult to injury he then blames you for getting upset. I'm not so sure that he does want marriage more than you, it sounds like he likes keeping you waiting. Frankly if you're not engaged after 8 years he's not really that bothered.

I could not be arsed ! Way too much drama and false promises.

He doesn't want to marry you.

Don't be one of those desperado women that cling on to a pathetic man because you can't bear to be alone.

Time to bin him and move on with your life.

I think your mental health and self esteem will be vastly improved when you are no longer together.

I'm assuming here so please correct me. Are you wanting children? Because your sex life is practically non existent for a couple who have only lived together for a couple of years.

Oh, and this waiting until you are better. Has he defined it or will he keep moving the goalposts as I suspect you will never be better enough unfortunately.

I’m very on the fence about children - maybe one day, but not now. Never say never kind of thing

I have terribly low self esteem and feel he doesn’t help me with feeling nice about myself

it’s not his job to make you feel good about yourself.

In any event it is clear he doesn’t want to marry you. Wouldn’t be a good idea anyway - you need to sort yourself out first.

Until you are able to function on your own, without needing to rely on someone else to find life rewarding, you’re not ready to get married.

Have the conversation when you've not been drinking

Clarify this for me? How was your mental health and mood before you lived together? How did that come about ? Did you both move or did one of you move into the other’s house?

You do sound a tad incompatible (but could be wrong about this). But making promises and dangling engagement and rings like a carrot 🥕 if he knows you want that is a bit weird.

I hope the counselling helps you clear your head, it’s a good idea whatever else happens.

How old are you OP?

Im asking because you’ve been together 8 years, but kids are still something for distant future?

Came on to say don’t waste any more time with this man. The next 8 years will go by like a flash and you’ll wonder why you stayed.

it sounds like you’re both in a rut.

have to agree (with @Almosthumannow)

I'm struggling to see why you are together. You both sound as if you are unhappy. He is certainly not willing/wanting to get married.

I feel sad for you, OP - he doesn't seem to treat you very nicely. I wonder if marriage has become important to you now as it could be a sign that you are 'good enough' despite his criticisms of you?

Is the 92 in your username your year of birth? So you’re only 31?? Is he around the same age but he only wants sex once every few months?

Just get rid of him. He’s not worth it, he’s making you unhappy, and you will be so much better off with someone else that suits you better. You have tons of time to find someone that will treat you well and make you happy. You’ve wasted more than enough time with this one.

Youve given a fair list of negative traits he has, so why do you want to marry him? If he lived on his own, and he has high standards of tidiness, he'd find a way to fit in housework I'm sure. Yet here he is leaving it all to you and he's got the cheek to criticise it.
Leave him to it. Move out for a while, or take a solo hol, he might realise what you do when you are not there, either he will beg to have you back or he won't, either way, you'll find out.

He isn't more keen than you to get married. He told you what you wanted to hear. Problem is that time has caught up with him. It's been 8 years and you live together...if he wanted to marry you her would.

God, he did a right character assassination on you.

He'll still be finding excuses after another. 8 years.

He leaves all the housework to you and then has the check to complain!

Also no sex!

You are too young to tie yourself to a life without sex

It doesn’t sound like you’re right for each other.

You need to fix yourself.

Once you’ve done that, you’ve a much better chance of finding what you’re looking for.

Him marrying you is not going to fix you.

Finally, nothing good comes from these conversations after drinking. Sleep it off. Start again tomorrow.

I'd say this relationship is basically over. He's just been lying to keep you sweet.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Before you moved in together were you a stronger person and more confident. I truly believe that he may be a good part of the reason why you are feeling as you are as it seems like you have made him your world and are now feeling lost and isolated. If I were you yes go and talk to someone and it will help you to clarify all those things but ask yourself are you really happy and is this the life you really want. You are very young and he does not want to be intimate and that in itself is a big rejection and would make anybody lose their confidence in themselves.
I think if you stay with him it will only be because you have spent years with him and not because you are happy. I would be taking a step back as this does not sound like a healthy relationship at all and you need to find yourself again and have love and lust and honesty and a great friendship in your life partner. I think you should go away to family/friends for a few days/weekend and clear your head and have bit of time apart and really see do you miss him and what you want for your future. He has no intention of getting married and you seem to have lost who you are and you should be happy and both on the same page and sometimes even great relationships run their course. Put yourself first now and make some changes for yourself.

You need to fix yourself for you. You seem to have lots and lots of problems that while he pointed out in a horrible way, do need addressing before you can have a serious healthy relationship.
Holding somebody to a deadline, especially one said in a moment which he may have forgotten and then fighting over it, shows a lot of insecurity and inability to address it in the proper way and communicate. You're not wrong to be disappointed by him saying one thing and doing something else, but you are wrong to bring it up after drinking with just a week to your birthday. A proposal (or at least a healthy one) can't be demanded or sulked over.
I think the relationship is doomed, he doesn't think you make much of and effort and what will happen now? You set a timeline or a demand or you trundle along letting him set up hoops for you to jump through to earn an engagement ring? Both options are bad. Keep your pride and break up with him, tell him the row was too much and you are focusing on yourself. Don't contact him, delete his number and social media etc because you sound too vulnerable to be able to stay away from him. Focus on yourself so you can find a better match when you're ready. If you're just scraping by and hardly coping with work then adding a relationship and expectations from that person into the mix is only going to end badly.

You say things like I need more from him but you don't. You need to put yourself first and stop thinking in terms of what you need from somebody else and think in terms of what you can do for yourself.

8 years is a long time and it's 'safe' but that doesn't mean it's healthy, good or conductive of growth. You shouldn't stay just because leaving is hard.

Sounds like the relationship has run it's course actually - relationships really can struggle after the '7 year itch' and if you're not married/ have kids by then, then it's easier for things to unravel

This.

Sorry OP.