Blazing row tonight

[Dizzy92]

DP and myself had a blazing row tonight, started by me admittedly. Sounds really silly how it started, but a bit of background. We have been together 8 years, only started living together because of Covid and he’s always been a bit on the back foot with relationship things. We have chatted about marriage, he’s more keen on getting married than I am, which is why this argument hurt so much.

Weve attended a few weddings in the last year, and he made a comment back in the spring about me having a ring on my finger by the time of my birthday. Well, my birthday is next week. We were in the pub tonight and got chatting about plans and I said I was booked in to get my nails and my toes done for my birthday night out, he made a jokey comment about not bothering getting my nails done. I did say ‘well will I not need them done if I’ll have a lovely ring to show off?’ - well aware I sound like a psycho but I was a few drinks in!

he was taken by surprise and said he couldn’t believe I’d held on to that and didn’t really mean it. and he was serious, it defo wasn’t about throwing me off the scent. So I was a bit upset and after some cross words I left the pub as didn’t want to end up rowing in public. However once at home we were arguing and he says he’s not ready for marriage, however what upsets me is that he openly says he wants to get married more than me. I want him to want it? If that makes sense. It just makes me feel like I’m the problem.

So a bit revved up by the drink, I made comments about how I’m good enough I tidy up and cook his dinners etc but not good enough to marry, and how after this long together he must know if he wants to marry me.

he then went off on one about how the house isn’t as tidy as he’d like it (do it yourself then? He does nothing. Admittedly he works crazy hours, but still!) and said I am depressing to be around - I struggle with my mental health massively and I’m fairly introverted. Was referred to mental health services to see for adhd almost two years ago now and still waiting (and have checked with them recently, so I know I’ve not been kicked off the list). He knows I struggle mentally but does nothing to help. I admit I can be messy but I do have standards! Never tells me I look nice, I have terribly low self esteem and feel he doesn’t help me with feeling nice about myself. We rarely have sex as his drive is so low (once every fe
w months), so I never initiate anymore as being constantly rejected over the years hurts too.

I understand he wants me to have more drive for life, but I said to him I need more from him. He never plans things for us to do, he moans that I don’t drive (going places on buses or trains doesn’t bother me as means I can have a drink, but I have been learning to drive and will hopefully sit my test soon). He’s very active too and moans I do no exercise and while I know my mental health will be better, I can struggle to function beyond work some days. Thankfully my works not affected too much, however I wfh in the spare room and he’s saying even with that I have no motivation for anything, just roll out of my bed and go to my desk… and he’s right. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I like etc

after the blazing row he has offered to pay for me to see someone privately as I think his eyes have been opened about how much I’m struggling mentally, but regardless he’s still saying about not getting engaged until we’re ‘better’. And I know that makes sense, but I feel now I will just be waiting for it anytime we’ve not been arguing.

I’ve never been like this in past relationships, I’ve never been fussed about marriage, I don’t know why it suddenly means so much now. But I hate who I’m becoming being obsessed with it. Anytime I see someone I know has got engaged I’ve been so jealous and annoyed that’s not me! Thing is even if we did get engaged I know I only want a small wedding - so it’s not for showing off to the world about the wedding!

the row was good in the sense the air is clear, but I just don’t know if there’s coming back from it? Maybe I’m still a bit wine drunk but I just worry we’re maybe too incompatible and only holding on now so 8 years isn’t down the tubes. I love him so much but I hate who I’ve become!

well done if you’ve read this far, I’m sick of myself just writing it!

just worry we’re maybe too incompatible and only holding on now so 8 years isn’t down the tubes. I love him so much but I hate who I’ve become!

So you'll wait until it's 9yrs down the tubes? And then 10yrs etc? Don't you think that's a flimsy excuse?

He does fuck all housework and doesn't want sex, why the fuck would you want to marry him!

If you were a man, would you get married to yourself?

I would lol. I'm an amazing partner 😁. I would be allover me like a rash 🤣

He barely wants sex, leaves all the housework to you (and then moans it's not enough), dangled the marriage carrot but is now yanking it further away and you want to stay with him?
Are you happy with the almost non-existent sex at 31 years of age because it will only get worse as he gets older I imagine!
I'd be seriously considering your options.

Also you say you’ve never been like this in previous relationships. But you were only 23 when you met him. So you’d not be expected to be like this in previous relationships when so young, and as you use relationships plural clearly none were that serious.

you also tell us he’s more on the back burner in terms of the relationship than you and you moved in during covid, was it really covid that drove that?

I think fundamentally you know you want more from this relationship than he does,you also know it’s you who wishes marriage not him, you’re even jealous of others.

you can’t force someone to marry you. To bully them into it.but at least he’s made his feelings clear now. What’s really concerning is you say you will be waiting for him to propose when you’re not arguing. So you’re not letting go and not hearing him that it’s not happening.

maybe when he made the comment he meant it, caught up in the moment. Stupidly. And that’s why he is stunned you held onto it like a promise and even booked a manicure so you could show off your ring. Normally there would be discussion, serious discussion on marriage, not just a comment at someone else’s celebration.

get your counselling, focus on your mental health, then when you feel stable and recovered, re evaluate your relationship and future, both to together and apart.

Why on earth do you want to marry him ? You deserve better. Live on your own and sort your own life out before committing to anyone else. You deserve to live your best life anything else is just not worth it.

Splitting up might be hard, but staying together sounds harder.

It doesn't sound like a happy relationship and if someone isn't "ready" after 8 years I would query when they would be.

I think you need to decide if you want to be in this relationship at all. It sounds like you're settling and not really enjoying it.

Yes, counselling would be an excellent idea, @Dizzy92 .

While you arrange this - and have a couple of estate agents round to value the house... - read these books:

• Women Who Love Too Much
• The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

Start working on yourself and your future now. You've wasted enough time already...

Honestly? I'd run.

It took my partner 7 years to propose. He did it because I wanted it and pushed for it. 7 years later (so 14 years together) we're not married. We have 3 children (which again, I pushed for) and I do all of the life admin and planning. He has no get up and go about him and if I'm brutally honest, I wouldn't have continued the relationship if I knew what I know now.

You shouldn't have to force someone to propose and you know it. I would strongly recommend finding a man who has a bit more about him, who can show you love without you having to push it.

We're only getting one side of the story here and it's possible this guy is being judged overly harshly.

He sounds like a hard worker, he earns a lot more and pays I'm a lot more, its possible that from where he's sitting he's seeing OP in a slump, spending her life mooching around, not really upping her game professionally or showing much energy and not really taking steps to address that.

This isn't to have a dig at you OP rather to say it's easy for us to paint a picture of this guy as an utter twat when we only have one side to go on

@Finlesswonder can I ask?
Is EVERYONE supposed to aim for working vey long hours and earning lots of money? Because otherwise you are spending your life ‘mooching around’ which I assume is something really bad??
Does the fact someone is working hard and earning lots means they shouldn’t do any housework?

I mean, you, and the DH if he us thinking that way, are free to think that way. Each to their own. But then HE should have made that very clear to the OP when they first got together.
And, surprise, surprise, those men don’t. Because they know very well the woman they are sleeping with, the I r they are processing to love is unlikely to accept that. So we’re back to …. Deception.

in terms of my own self confidence - I know he has affected this, however it’s always been rotten. How do you start building up confidence from nothing? Or is that what counselling is for?
Start valuing yourself and your contributions more. Start flipping things around. Your DP works long hours so you do everything - but if he was on his own he would have to clean surely? If you really think he wouldn't, why are you with a man who is happy to live in his own filth?

He has choices too. If his job is that stressful he can look for a different one, or one with shorter hours. If he doesn't like your cleaning standards he can do it himself or employ a cleaner - but he chooses to have a go at you.

He could choose to compliment and build you up very easily, a simple "good morning beautiful " is very powerful for someone with esteem issues. But no, he chooses to kick you when you are at your most vulnerable.

He is choosing to break you so you can't leave. Please choose counselling, self worth and a decent life

To clarify, I booked in to get my nails and feet done as I usually get my nails done and just getting my feet done as a wee treat so they were nice in my heels - not JUST for a ring.

I know we shouldn’t have argued when having a drink but it happened and it’s done now. However, getting things out in the open was needed. We have spoken about things this morning and I feel a lot better. I know it’s unpopular opinion to want to stay with him, but we have chatted a lot about him needing to do more in the relationship and he says he sees where im coming from being angry and upset with his attitude towards our relationship. He did say he knew he’d said about being engaged before my birthday, but wasn’t aware how I’d held onto that in the back of my mind - even though he now acknowledges he knows why I would. And I’ve acknowledged I need to sort myself out a bit more, my happiness can’t depend on him

I’m happy to give it another chance and see what happens. But this has all opened my eyes to our relationship. I think it’s easy to get stuck and plod along until you realise years have gone past - which both him and I have done

You've hit an age where you feel the need to get married, but you are not with the right man to marry. He very clearly doesn't want to, and he sounds pretty awful. The fact that you had an argument about whether you were worth marrying based on how tidy you keep the house... blows my mind really. You aren't his domestic appliance, however much he earns. I'm willing to bet that your self-esteem would be a lot better without him.

But the question.. was it raised? Does he want to marry you? Otherwise, you are a placeholder OP

Why would you WANT to marry someone who's only interested in sex every few months?

We have spoken about things this morning and I feel a lot better. I know it’s unpopular opinion to want to stay with him, but we have chatted a lot about him needing to do more in the relationship and he says he sees where im coming from being angry and upset with his attitude towards our relationship. He did say he knew he’d said about being engaged before my birthday, but wasn’t aware how I’d held onto that in the back of my mind - even though he now acknowledges he knows why I would. And I’ve acknowledged I need to sort myself out a bit more, my happiness can’t depend on him
I’m happy to give it another chance and see what happens. But this has all opened my eyes to our relationship.

Sigh. So you 'chatted' and he said this and he said that....... And you've promised to do better... while nothing changes. Your eyes may be opened a bit but you're still going along with his narrative.

Words are cheap, @Dizzy92 . I fear you'll be back here in a year's time, telling us about all his implied promises, wondering what else you could do to get him to marry you.

My original advice stands.

Why are you desperate to marry this man, who after 8 years can't make his mind up? does nothing about the house, never says a kind word and little sex?
Hardly the foundations of a marriage is it?

Sigh. I agree. Im outta here

Yep, been there. After 8 years if they can’t accept you warts and all it’s not leading anywhere.

You don't sound suited at all so why are you clinging on?

But why do you want to marry him? You've just given us lots of reasons why the relationship is not a good one: not much sex, your p does no housework at all, you don't feel like he helps your self-esteem - they are all good reasons to end a relationship!

I'd think about that instead of focusing on marriage.