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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Blazing row tonight

98 replies

Dizzy92 · 07/10/2023 00:29

DP and myself had a blazing row tonight, started by me admittedly. Sounds really silly how it started, but a bit of background. We have been together 8 years, only started living together because of Covid and he’s always been a bit on the back foot with relationship things. We have chatted about marriage, he’s more keen on getting married than I am, which is why this argument hurt so much.

Weve attended a few weddings in the last year, and he made a comment back in the spring about me having a ring on my finger by the time of my birthday. Well, my birthday is next week. We were in the pub tonight and got chatting about plans and I said I was booked in to get my nails and my toes done for my birthday night out, he made a jokey comment about not bothering getting my nails done. I did say ‘well will I not need them done if I’ll have a lovely ring to show off?’ - well aware I sound like a psycho but I was a few drinks in!

he was taken by surprise and said he couldn’t believe I’d held on to that and didn’t really mean it. and he was serious, it defo wasn’t about throwing me off the scent. So I was a bit upset and after some cross words I left the pub as didn’t want to end up rowing in public. However once at home we were arguing and he says he’s not ready for marriage, however what upsets me is that he openly says he wants to get married more than me. I want him to want it? If that makes sense. It just makes me feel like I’m the problem.

So a bit revved up by the drink, I made comments about how I’m good enough I tidy up and cook his dinners etc but not good enough to marry, and how after this long together he must know if he wants to marry me.

he then went off on one about how the house isn’t as tidy as he’d like it (do it yourself then? He does nothing. Admittedly he works crazy hours, but still!) and said I am depressing to be around - I struggle with my mental health massively and I’m fairly introverted. Was referred to mental health services to see for adhd almost two years ago now and still waiting (and have checked with them recently, so I know I’ve not been kicked off the list). He knows I struggle mentally but does nothing to help. I admit I can be messy but I do have standards! Never tells me I look nice, I have terribly low self esteem and feel he doesn’t help me with feeling nice about myself. We rarely have sex as his drive is so low (once every fe
w months), so I never initiate anymore as being constantly rejected over the years hurts too.

I understand he wants me to have more drive for life, but I said to him I need more from him. He never plans things for us to do, he moans that I don’t drive (going places on buses or trains doesn’t bother me as means I can have a drink, but I have been learning to drive and will hopefully sit my test soon). He’s very active too and moans I do no exercise and while I know my mental health will be better, I can struggle to function beyond work some days. Thankfully my works not affected too much, however I wfh in the spare room and he’s saying even with that I have no motivation for anything, just roll out of my bed and go to my desk… and he’s right. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I like etc

after the blazing row he has offered to pay for me to see someone privately as I think his eyes have been opened about how much I’m struggling mentally, but regardless he’s still saying about not getting engaged until we’re ‘better’. And I know that makes sense, but I feel now I will just be waiting for it anytime we’ve not been arguing.

I’ve never been like this in past relationships, I’ve never been fussed about marriage, I don’t know why it suddenly means so much now. But I hate who I’m becoming being obsessed with it. Anytime I see someone I know has got engaged I’ve been so jealous and annoyed that’s not me! Thing is even if we did get engaged I know I only want a small wedding - so it’s not for showing off to the world about the wedding!

the row was good in the sense the air is clear, but I just don’t know if there’s coming back from it? Maybe I’m still a bit wine drunk but I just worry we’re maybe too incompatible and only holding on now so 8 years isn’t down the tubes. I love him so much but I hate who I’ve become!

well done if you’ve read this far, I’m sick of myself just writing it!

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/10/2023 02:27

Anotherparkingthread really good advise, are you a counsellor as you have a way with words.

Duckingella · 07/10/2023 02:29

There's a saying

"When someone shows you who they are believe them"

I don't understand why you'd want to marry a lazy,selfish,gaslighting man who won't show you any commitment.

saythatagaintome · 07/10/2023 02:38

8 YEARS???

How old were you when you got together? I could only excuse this if you were a teen… otherwise, OP… time to kick this one 😭

Pallisers · 07/10/2023 02:46

8 years in and he isn't ready for marriage! Seriously. what is he waiting for - an angel to descend from high to tell him this is the one? No. he is waiting for a better prospect (he won't find one by the way but that isn't your problem)

It is over. dump him. And I have no idea why you would want to marry this lazy arse in the first place.

Sueveneers · 07/10/2023 03:31

Do you really want to be with someone where you only have sex every few months? I mean, I could understand it if you were in your 60s, but that's abnormal, and you're not even married and busy with kids yet. He rejects you when you make advances. Every few months? No wonder your self esteem is so bad. It doesn't sound like you are compatible sexual-wise or lifestyle-wise. It really doesn't.

Mitmat · 07/10/2023 03:49

From reading your op, and personal experience, I think your mental health would rapidly improve with him out the picture.

What does he bring to the relationship? Not much kindness or love from the sounds of it. Don't waste your life marrying someone who isn't desperate to marry you.

Hibiscrubbed · 07/10/2023 05:29

but regardless he’s still saying about not getting engaged until we’re ‘better

This is such bullshit. He’s just kicking the can down the road and using marriage as a way to get you to change to what he wants.

In sorry, but if he wanted to marry you he would. He doesn’t.

And his character assassination of you was unforgivable.

Hibiscrubbed · 07/10/2023 05:39

Don’t tie yourself to a negging twat who rejects you for sex. Honestly. It will be so, so grim.

HappyHolidai · 07/10/2023 05:49

Really cannot understand why you want to marry someone who behaves like this. I mean... what is the attraction of tying yourself to this situation?

Shraree · 07/10/2023 05:50

Almosthumannow · 07/10/2023 01:01

How old are you OP?

Im asking because you’ve been together 8 years, but kids are still something for distant future?

Came on to say don’t waste any more time with this man. The next 8 years will go by like a flash and you’ll wonder why you stayed.

it sounds like you’re both in a rut.

Agree

AngelAurora · 07/10/2023 06:10

Stop drinking because you exasperated a non issue into a fight.

Sueveneers · 07/10/2023 06:12

AngelAurora · 07/10/2023 06:10

Stop drinking because you exasperated a non issue into a fight.

It clearly is not a non-issue to the OP. It's obviously very important to her.

jolies1 · 07/10/2023 07:14

OP, I’ve been you. Same argument every year or so, until I went away for work for a few days and had time to think, came home and bluntly asked if the relationship was ever going to move forwards - you can guess what the answer was.

I moved on, had a couple of years to myself, met a lovely man and we got engaged just over 2 years after we met. If they really want you, they’ll show you they do. If he’s not sure about you after 8 years - and just so you know, “sure” doesn’t always have to be marriage, it can be any commitment - he’s never going to be sure.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/10/2023 07:18

We have been together 8 years, only started living together because of Covid and he’s always been a bit on the back foot with relationship things.

This relationship has no future. I'm not sure how old you are, but regardless, after 8 years you should have a clear sense of your plans. It sounds like it was never right.

he made a comment back in the spring about me having a ring on my finger by the time of my birthday

That's not how to approach getting married. You don't base it on loose comments. You discuss it together & know what it means to you both, before going ahead with getting engaged.

We rarely have sex as his drive is so low (once every few months), so I never initiate anymore as being constantly rejected over the years hurts too.

This is not a relationship. This will not improve. You should not get married to each other.

I have no motivation for anything, just roll out of my bed and go to my desk… and he’s right. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I like etc

Please leave him. Get some help now, privately if needed, you can't be waiting years, to address your challenges. This is no way to live, and without this man, I expect you'd be a lot better to start with.

FrancescaContini · 07/10/2023 07:20

Don’t understand why you would want to marry him. He sounds awful.

WandaWonder · 07/10/2023 07:20

It is not up to him to make you feel better that is up to you, he doesn't want to marry you so either get on with how he is or leave

romdowa · 07/10/2023 07:23

After 8 years , it's not going to happen. Doesn't sound like you are too happy in the relationship anyway , you both seem too different and want different things. It can happen when you get together young. Don't let him waste your youth on false promises. Throw him back and work on yourself.

PrimalOwl10 · 07/10/2023 07:26

The fact you barely have sex says alot months will end up 6, then 8 then a year. Your wasting your time

luckysonofagun · 07/10/2023 07:31

I'd worry less about why he won't marry you and more about why you want to marry him??

He doesn't sound at all supportive of you, he expects you to clean up after him then complains. He doesn't want sex. He talks about marriage, dangles a carrot then pulls back and sits back and watches you get upset.

I'd leave him and get some counselling then if you want a relationship aim higher.

BerriesPineCones · 07/10/2023 07:32

he’s still saying about not getting engaged until we’re ‘better’
Even if you become the perfect wife he'll still make up excuses. Best to say that you want different things and he's clearly not happy with you so time to end it

Phleghm · 07/10/2023 07:43

You need to stop and really think properly about this. Do you want to marry a man who is unkind to you, does nothing around the house, complains about all the work you do around the house, doesn't want sex, has to be nagged into marrying you?

It would feel shit even if you did marry. I do kind of get where you're coming from because I've been there before- crappy men wear us down and make us beg for more of them when actually, really, deep down, we don't want their shit.

Fuck him and fuck "getting help for you". Tell him to get help for the mess in his head that makes him treat his partner so badly.

Marriage should never feel like one person doing another person a favour.

Mistressanne · 07/10/2023 07:48

You’ve fallen out with your housemate.
He’s not a partner.
He doesn’t want to marry you, he doesn’t want sex, he just wants a housekeeper.
Dont waste another 8 years.

looking4pup · 07/10/2023 07:51

Could you not ask him?

I wasn't proposed too. I chose my own ring. If I'd left it to him it wouldn't happen. Married 10 years now.

Goldfish41 · 07/10/2023 07:58

I agree it doesn’t sound like you are that compatible and also that he has been future-faking.

What he has said is very nasty and sounds like he’s trying to distract attention from the ring/marriage question and blame you for it, which is horrible. If you want to change things that’s up to you, but it’s not wrong to be an introverted person if you’re happy as you are. Him being more “active” isn’t the “right” way to live, it’s his way. Targeting you over it is horrid (especially when as you say you do much more than him for the household).

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 07/10/2023 08:01

Why are you doing all the housework? Unless he’s contributing substantially more into joint funds that you can freely access (and I’m guessing not since it doesn’t seem like he sees you as a family unit) then his reward for working crazy hours is the luxury of more money, and your reward for working fewer hours is the luxury of more leisure time. Therefore how is it fair that you use that leisure time doing all the chores simply to enable him to earn more money for himself? And if I’ve got that wrong and he does pay a lot more into family funds you can access then use it to get a cleaner! Because if you do split up at some point, as an unmarried person your contribution towards running your home so that he doesn’t have to won’t be recognised.