Blazing row tonight

[Dizzy92]

DP and myself had a blazing row tonight, started by me admittedly. Sounds really silly how it started, but a bit of background. We have been together 8 years, only started living together because of Covid and he’s always been a bit on the back foot with relationship things. We have chatted about marriage, he’s more keen on getting married than I am, which is why this argument hurt so much.

Weve attended a few weddings in the last year, and he made a comment back in the spring about me having a ring on my finger by the time of my birthday. Well, my birthday is next week. We were in the pub tonight and got chatting about plans and I said I was booked in to get my nails and my toes done for my birthday night out, he made a jokey comment about not bothering getting my nails done. I did say ‘well will I not need them done if I’ll have a lovely ring to show off?’ - well aware I sound like a psycho but I was a few drinks in!

he was taken by surprise and said he couldn’t believe I’d held on to that and didn’t really mean it. and he was serious, it defo wasn’t about throwing me off the scent. So I was a bit upset and after some cross words I left the pub as didn’t want to end up rowing in public. However once at home we were arguing and he says he’s not ready for marriage, however what upsets me is that he openly says he wants to get married more than me. I want him to want it? If that makes sense. It just makes me feel like I’m the problem.

So a bit revved up by the drink, I made comments about how I’m good enough I tidy up and cook his dinners etc but not good enough to marry, and how after this long together he must know if he wants to marry me.

he then went off on one about how the house isn’t as tidy as he’d like it (do it yourself then? He does nothing. Admittedly he works crazy hours, but still!) and said I am depressing to be around - I struggle with my mental health massively and I’m fairly introverted. Was referred to mental health services to see for adhd almost two years ago now and still waiting (and have checked with them recently, so I know I’ve not been kicked off the list). He knows I struggle mentally but does nothing to help. I admit I can be messy but I do have standards! Never tells me I look nice, I have terribly low self esteem and feel he doesn’t help me with feeling nice about myself. We rarely have sex as his drive is so low (once every fe
w months), so I never initiate anymore as being constantly rejected over the years hurts too.

I understand he wants me to have more drive for life, but I said to him I need more from him. He never plans things for us to do, he moans that I don’t drive (going places on buses or trains doesn’t bother me as means I can have a drink, but I have been learning to drive and will hopefully sit my test soon). He’s very active too and moans I do no exercise and while I know my mental health will be better, I can struggle to function beyond work some days. Thankfully my works not affected too much, however I wfh in the spare room and he’s saying even with that I have no motivation for anything, just roll out of my bed and go to my desk… and he’s right. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I like etc

after the blazing row he has offered to pay for me to see someone privately as I think his eyes have been opened about how much I’m struggling mentally, but regardless he’s still saying about not getting engaged until we’re ‘better’. And I know that makes sense, but I feel now I will just be waiting for it anytime we’ve not been arguing.

I’ve never been like this in past relationships, I’ve never been fussed about marriage, I don’t know why it suddenly means so much now. But I hate who I’m becoming being obsessed with it. Anytime I see someone I know has got engaged I’ve been so jealous and annoyed that’s not me! Thing is even if we did get engaged I know I only want a small wedding - so it’s not for showing off to the world about the wedding!

the row was good in the sense the air is clear, but I just don’t know if there’s coming back from it? Maybe I’m still a bit wine drunk but I just worry we’re maybe too incompatible and only holding on now so 8 years isn’t down the tubes. I love him so much but I hate who I’ve become!

well done if you’ve read this far, I’m sick of myself just writing it!

Why do you actually want to marry him?? He sounds awful.

You should be running away from this man, not marrying him. You've already wasted 8 years, don't waste another day on this doomed, shit relationship.

I think your low self esteem has made you cling on to this man thinking you don't deserve anything better

You do.

He doesn't want to marry you. He'll keep moving those goalposts. There'll always be something else for you to do, to be, to achieve. And you'll be torturing yourself trying to please him to get that dangling carrot.

And why do you want to marry him anyway? He's not nice to you and you feel rejected half the time?

Leave. Work on yourself. Realise you deserve someone who loves you.

And yes time is fast running out. Not just for kids. But for your life. Don't fall into the sunken costs fallacy. Don't waste any more of your precious life on him.

I spent ten years with a man like this, he continually dangled the carrot of marriage at some point in the future, but our relationship was never quite good enough for it to happen. The relationship was also horribly imbalanced when it came to the domestic stuff, he earned substantially more than me, and my mental health was at a horrible low by the end. I gave up trying to make it better in the end. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Whenever I thought I met the goalpost, it moved again.

I left him, spent some time alone working on what I wanted, and then met my now husband. To be fair to my ex, ten years or so on, he is still unmarried, so clearly it wasn't for him, I just wished he'd been up front on that instead of saying 'one day, one day' and it tormenting me every birthday, Christmas, new year, special occasion. Looking back, I was so miserable, so much of the time. And I resented the hell out of him, so at times I was pretty shitty to him too. Especially when I'd had a drink.

The reality of it is that my self esteem was quite poor by the end of that relationship, it took some very hard conversations with some phenomenally good friends to help me see I deserved better than what he was doing to me and what I was doing to myself. He was a very crap partner in a lot of ways, and actually, marriage to him would not have been good for me. For me, leaving was the right choice. I was 34 when I left. I'm married with two lovely kids now, and my dh is worlds apart from that man.

Don't put yourself through what I went through. I should have left years before I did.

hi OP do you think it's possible that you are obsessing about getting engaged to distract your self from facing the truth that this relationship is not working? or you are seeing it as a fix for your relationship and/or mental health issues.

I'm very pro marriage but it has to be right. you don't seem to be in a good place. and seems like you need to have a lot of mental health support before you can settle down.

also personally the intimacy issues would he a major no. I mean if its like this before marriage - what will it be like after? are you really happy to spend the rest of your life like this?

He doesnt want to get married. I'm not even sure why your together maybe routine.
You need help with your mental health and self esteem. Then you'll realise you deserve better.

Looking at it from a different point of view - but coming to the same conclusion. You sound unhappy and it's not going to get better by getting married. I do remember that feeling that marriage was the inevitable next stage, like going to "Big School", going to uni, first boyfriend, moving out form home, getting your first job --- followed by getting engaged and getting married. So when everyone else is doing it you feel you're being left behind.

It doesn't sound as if, if you met DP now, for the first time, on a date or at work or through friends, you'd choose him. It sounds as if you just don't want to "waste" 8 years. But it's not wasted. You had a good time, (for most of it), you've learned from it, you should maybe now move on. Not every relationship has to last forever. Not every relationship is "bad" because it runs its course. It was right for a time.

I don't think he's an arsehole. He works long hours so he's not in the house - hence he doesn't do much housework - but if he lived on his own and wasn't in the house he wouldn't need to. Houses don't get dirty or messy if you're out all day.

I've been where you are - so miserable I let the house and myself slide and WFH doesn't help. But I've also lived with a depressed person who did nothing and just sapped my energy - did very little unless I pushed or nagged. It's exhausting.

This relationship isn't doing either of you any good. I suspect - from what you've revealed here - you'd both be happier and grow as a person if you split up.

You have merely 'settled' with this man who is not marriage material. Little if any relationship, no common ground and very little sex. Sounds like you are merely his housekeeper and companion yet keep going due to sunk cost fallacy.

Your mental health has suffered as a result. Please end this relationship and maybe one day you will find a man who is worthy of you.

Woken up with a rotten hangover funnily enough!

been interesting/sad reading the comments, but I value this and being able to ‘speak’ about it

yeah I’m 31, he’s 31 too. With cleaning etc he earns a lot more and works a lot longer hours than me, contributes more to bills etc. With his work he’s fairly stressed out, which is why he has a low drive.

I understand ending it, I’ve thought about it, it’s just hard as I don’t want to. I love him so much and when he’s not being a total dick, he’s the loveliest man in the world. We have bought our house and have pets together too so it’s not as clean a split as it would have been if we’d split years ago.

in terms of my own self confidence - I know he has affected this, however it’s always been rotten. How do you start building up confidence from nothing? Or is that what counselling is for?

Also the comment about not having kids - I understand where you’re coming from, however that’s coming from me too. I’m on the fence about it

Op, read @Alwayswildatheart post again. They have summarised the situation perfectly. He doesn't want to marry you and your relationship won't survive long term anyway without major resentment on your part. Him earning more has absolutely nothing to do with him doing his share of housework. You are making excuses. A house can be sold.

This really resonated with me.
"I’m good enough I tidy up and cook his dinners etc but not good enough to marry"
Add in that my ex was also happy enough to live in the house I own.
He also dangled the carrot of marriage, he went as far as to say we were going to get married in 2024, I was looking at venues abroad (family live abroad) getting ideas for wedding dresses etc. (I felt stupid and embarrassed)
He then decided he wasn't ready after 15 years together.
Please note that he is my ex.
A shutter came down for me, I was wasting my time, putting him first and getting nothing back, facilitating his life whilst putting mine on the back burner.
I'm not going to tell you what to do but I will say, in my situation, I feel better for ending it, my MH has improved massively, I don't have to think about him and his needs, I don't feel like a second class citizen and more importantly I've reclaimed "me", I've realised that I'm worth more than waiting for him.
Have a serious think about what you're actually getting from your relationship ❤️

You have sadly trapped yourself within the Sunk Cost Fallacy mindset. What you see is what you get, and this man isn't changing.

With his work he’s fairly stressed out, which is why he has a low drive.

He's 31. If his sex drive is shit now, the future is grim.

I love him so much and when he’s not being a total dick, he’s the loveliest man in the world

Genuinely lovely, decent men are never total dicks.

Aim higher, please. Want better for yourself than this.

Now that I know you are 31, I even more think you should end it.

You've time to get better in yourself, meet someone else & have a family if you choose.

Of course it's a straightforward split, just not an easy one. You have no DC, it's just a process of selling the house. The pets issue is maybe a bit sad but doable.

It won't get better. You are not in a functioning relationship and you sound very unhappy.

All of this.

Hes talked about marriage because he thought he was safe because at the time you werent into it, so in his defence he could pretend he was all in just that you weren't. Its manipulative. He never wanted to marry and thought because you didn't he could do the 'marry meeee' b.s but blame lack of commitment on you when really its him. Hes a future faker.

Bet your mental health would improve ten fold in the long run if you ended the relationship.

He doesn't want to marry you. It's not because you're not worth it, it's because you're not right for each other but he's happy to string you along whilst you wash his socks.

Why would he say he'd put a ring on it and then act shocked that you mentioned it? Not nice

I don’t think anyone has mentioned the undiagnosed ADHD above, so I’ll focus on that rather than anything else form your OP. I’m a similar age to you and have just been diagnosed with combined type ADHD. I’m still processing it all, but things that did help while I was waiting (forever) for the diagnosis, was learning more about ADHD and various ways to help function. Unfortunately (!) exercise is one of the things first thing that helps, but it’s actually getting yourself to that point seems just impossible most days, I know. Not possible for everyone with ADHD, but I found by working in the office a few days a week it was better for me as even just getting dressed properly & makeup on a couple of days a week, plus able to move and force myself to take a break at lunch for walk just made me feel a little better than when I’m stuck at home all day.

Its really tough some days and I don’t actually think I understood just how serious adhd (especially undiagnosed) can be, as it truly does impact everything in your life. From functioning, people pleasing, self esteem, sleep, emotionally, life expectancy. It’s exhausting!

Mood and poor mental health may be contributed because you are undiagnosed, as so many are diagnosed with anxiety & depression when adhd is missed, and ultimately those are the symptoms of undiagnosed adhd. (Not to say that you can’t have them all, but moreso that they are connected).

Please be kind to yourself. And if you find someone for counselling, please ensure they have specialities in neurodiversity / ADHD. Some counsellors have said some poor things to me in the past which if they actually had any knowledge of it, they should know better! You can also try ADHD coaching. There are lots of good adhd podcasts out there too which I found really useful.

You don’t have to have a formal diagnosis to get the support you need. That may help you also process what you want for life and also would be good for your partner to understand just how serious ADHD can be, so comments around tidiness are really poor form especially when he’s not making an effort!

ADHD is considered a disability, not a mental illness so it’s important you both understand that and what that looks like and means. He can’t be setting essentially ableist performance standards for you before he can propose. If thats truly the case even after some learning, then you will be better off without him in all honesty as he will make you feel like you’re never good enough.

There is nothing wrong with having ADHD, you are not a broken person who needs to be “fixed”. You just need help and support to function for a disability that you’ve had to struggle through 3 decades without! You will have some amazing qualities because of ADHD - don’t let him dull you down!

Same here. It sounds like a forced, sexless, dreary and dismal situation.

Why on earth would you want to solidify it with marriage?? Get out of this toxic stew and start living!

Exactly.

8 years...don't waste any more time on this man. And in future relationships never set yourself up to do all the housework unless you want to be treated as unpaid staff. You sound lovely and deserve better. Any man who jokes about proposing marriage is a knob.

what upsets me is that he openly says he wants to get married more than me. I want him to want it?
So you don't want to get married, but are upset he's not proposing, you just want him to want you? (as the song goes..)
It sounds messy and not something to be dealt with while drinking!

With kindness, you don't sound compatible at all.

Get a time out and take care of yourself, he's not ready to commit, so don't hang on waiting for him to change.

You're better than this.

You start by telling us he’s more keen on marriage than you. I feel this is patently untrue. He isn’t keen at all. Made a stupid comment a year ago that he shouldn’t have said and you’ve clung onto it.

You clearly desperately want to get married and should own that, and accept he doesn’t. He needs to stop making placating comments to you though and throwing you bones as it’s getting your hopes up and that’s wrong. However maybe he meant it when he said it.

on one thing I do agree with him though, neither of you are in the right place for marriage right now, getting yourself healthy is really where your focus should be

Please put marriage on the back burner and focus on your mental health. Once you are recovered you can then discuss marriage again.

He doesn’t want to marry you
He is happy to make empty promises (and string you along)
There is no sex
When confronted, he resorts to attacks - you dint clean well enough (yay right….)
And has no issue to use what will be a sore point for you - your MH to show it’s all in your head and you are obviously ‘crazy’ in your demands.

Do you really think anything is going to change?

Btw Id go for the counselling. It will help you standing up to him and show you that you are absolutely not unreasonnable.
Also ADHD is not a MH problem and you don’t need to see a counsellor to help with that.