DH not happy with sex life, I feel like a disappointment

[sistermichaelseyeroll]

DH and I are both 40. Sex is probably not as frequent as either of us would like, I guess it averages out about once every 10 days or so. When we do it I always enjoy it and think 'we should do this more often' but we're both pretty knackered. We have demanding jobs and 2 DC (5yo and 9yo) who both have SEN, I also have some health issues that impact my sleep. DH does his fair share around the house and is a brilliant Dad, but the 'mental load' stuff tends to fall to me, partly because I work slightly less hours but also because he's very laid back and tends to live in the moment, whereas I'm more of a worrier and a planner.

DH drops hints about wanting to spice things up in the bedroom. But instead of asking for what he wants, he'll ask me if there's anything I'd like to try. He wants me to "make suggestions" or initiate something "different" in bed. When I ask what sort of thing he has in mind he says "anything"! I then feel put on the spot and like a disappointment when I can't think of anything. Maybe I should just make something up, but the truth is that when he's introduced things like bondage or sex toys, or asked me to wear 'sexy' lingerie in the past I've gone along with it for his sake but it hasn't done anything for me. If anything, I'm much less likely to orgasm with that stuff involved.

He says he doesn't want me to do anything I'm uncomfortable with, and that he just wants "a better sex life for both of us" but I feel inadequate because he obviously wishes I was more adventurous. I'm also frustrated because even though he's the one who wants things to change, the onus is on me to make it happen. So instead of being something fun, sex now feels like another source of guilt and stress added to what already felt like a pretty full plate. I've tried to explain this to him, but I don't think he understands. He'll say he didn't mean to make me feel like that or "don't worry about it, forget I said anything" and that "it's not a big deal", but then at some point weeks or months down the line it comes up again.

I love him and I want him to be happy. But the thought of having to continually come up with new ideas to make sex more exciting for him, along with everything else I already have to do and think about just feels like a monumental effort. Am I being unfair to him?

Nope, if he wants to make it more exciting then he needs to put some effort in. Sick of people complaining but bringing nothing nothing to the table.

Can you be frank with him next time he brings it up? 'Look I thought we had discussed this before, I am open to trying new things but YOU need to tell ME what you want us to try, because I am otherwise happy with what we're doing right now. If you don't even know what you want, how am I supposed to know?'

I feel inadequate
I'm also frustrated
the onus is on me to make it happen
sex now feels like another source of guilt and stress
I then feel put on the spot and like a disappointment
I've gone along with it for his sake but it hasn't done anything for me
I'm much less likely to orgasm with that stuff involved.

I bet he orgasms every time though.

Am I being unfair to him? No OP.

Sound's like he's approaching the mid life crisis period.

Could last another 20 years.

Could you take turns to initiate?
I find it doesn’t take a lot to spice things up, could you try and new position, it didn’t have you be anything wildly different?
Is there anything you’d like to try?

What do you like most about the sex you do have? Cuddling? The relaxing feeling that happens first before you start? Knowing your husband finds you sexy?
What things block you feeling open to sex on the days/nights you could feasibly have sex, but you don’t? Being tired from lack of sleep? Worrying about preparations for the morning? Worry the kids could hear/might interrupt you?
Forget the uncomfortable lingerie and toys that you don’t enjoy. Go back to basics. Forget the actual sex part for a bit even. What would make you feel relaxed and what would make you feel good? A shower or bath together? Giving each other massages? With or without the possibility of sex to follow, depending on whether that would make you feel anxious or like you’re ´performing’’. A night in a hotel with the kids being babysat by their grandparents or someone else suitable? Trading sexy messages all day to get you in the mood? Music you used to listen to together 10 or 20 years ago?
Forget the ´spice things up’ bit and concentrate on what you know you enjoy, and think how you can enhance that. Your husband will probably enjoy whatever it is too, even if he had different ideas in mind.

Percy that is such a lovely reply I agree wholeheartedly

Perhaps he has noticed that his “efforts” in the past with toys etc haven’t really worked so he is asking you what might make you enjoy sex more and it will therefore be “spiced up”

Your description does sound like you can take it or leave it to be honest. Is it him initiating or you?

He's vering away from the emotional side of sex and concentating on the basic sexual side, men do this, a sense of missing out, of bragging friends, of peers who have divorced and reigniting new relationships, of colleagues having affairs, of consuming more porn.

All these things are obstacles that women who have been married a while have to negotiate, men very rarely realise their demands have an emotional impact on their partner often resulting in a worsening of their sex life.

It's difficult to navigate, you love them so much but at the same time feel a little objectified and end up feeling a bit icky towards them.

You are wanting different things from sex, you are wanting care, love, appreciation and respect, he's wanting those things putting to the side and asking for basic animalistic sex.

So he is just adding to your mental load and making you feel guilty.

Persevere if he raises this again. It's not your responsibility to think of everything.

You understand he wants more, or more varied sex. Ok (if you do too). But him asking you to not only think of new stuff to do but no doubt make it happen- buy the lingerie or whatever else, read up on ideas, surprise him with said new and sexy plans, this is all pressure when you have everything else on your plate.

He needs to accept that you may not be adverse to trying something new but what is not sexy to you is having to do the thinking so he can just passively enjoy having his life spiced up.

Sex is part of your whole lives now, you're not a new couple dating. In order to enjoy it together you both have to engage, he can't just expect you to add it to your list.

Is he embarrassed to express himself?

Tell him that if things were to change, what you would want is for him to put some effort in and think of what he would actively like and what he thinks you two would enjoy together or at least try and see how it goes. It's absolutely fine to start with making time to really enjoy what you know rather than scrabbling to pull random stuff out of thin air to do.

I would say he initiates 60% of the time.

The thing is, I do enjoy having sex with him! Even if I'm not particularly in the mood at the point where he first initiates, I always enjoy it once we get going. Life is busy, we're both tired which I'm sure isn't unusual for working parents of 2 Autistic children. I think I could push through the tiredness barrier and initiate sex more often though if it weren't for this pressure I'm now feeling for it to be an unspecified exciting 'different' sort of sex.

Instead of thinking about what he might like, have a think about what you would like. And then do that/ask him to do that

Eg I realised that I wanted MUCH slower, MUCH more erotic and MUCH more sensual sex. Something not mechanical and genital focussed but with the mind as the erogenous zone :-)

Lingerie and toys don't do much for me tbh. Mind you toys are good if you need a helping hand but only on a kind of functional level.

So I started setting the scene in my DHs ear - e.g. (don't laugh Mumsnet!!)

"Hmm ... we are ancient Egyptians, we are in a tent in the desert, I am dark and gorgeous and I am dressed in a diaphanous floaty white dress and you are my Pharoah, you have just arrived on your big camel - outside is the sound of the palm trees in the hot desert wind and a trickle of water in the oasis ... and of the servant outside fanning with a huge palm leaf ...

Then he carries on the story ... in a husky egpytian accent, whispering in my ear - it gets so hot the sex is then 😂... very erotic.

As you were.

Ah, change all the adjectives: exciting, spicy etc and just replace with 'more'. He wants more sex, op.

To answer your first question, I think that the thing I like most about sex (aside from the orgasms!) is that its probably the only time I can genuinely empty my mind and just be in the moment . My job is intense, it requires me to make a lot of decisions that have very serious consequences for people, people who are often vulnerable. When I'm not at work, my children's SEN mean I am always having to anticipate their needs, trying to plan ahead and manage situations that might be tricky for them, nothing is ever simple. I think that's why my heart sinks when DH starts trying to get me to make suggestions for new things to try...because I think 'great, something else I have to 'manage'. I just want to be present in the moment during sex, but now I'm thinking "am I being sexy enough? Did we do this position last time? Yeah, I think we did, we should switch now. What if he's bored?"

What things block you feeling open to sex on the days/nights you could feasibly have sex, but you don’t?

Honestly, I'm just knackered.

Forget the ´spice things up’ bit and concentrate on what you know you enjoy, and think how you can enhance that. Your husband will probably enjoy whatever it is too, even if he had different ideas in mind.

This is good advice I think.

Do you think so? I'm not sure. Why wouldn't he just say that if that was the case?
More I can do, I accept I need to make more of an effort in that regard, I just really don't think I can be arsed with props and toys and dressing up and all that stuff at this point in my life. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it just doesn't do it for me.

😳

I honestly think great sex is not about the consumerist shit sex companies pedal, nor the utter crap kink and porn invent. I think good sex is about really indulging and immersing yourself in the whole five sensory experience of sex, with you both feeding of your own and each each others pleasure. Honestly, it was a real revelation when I had a partner like this. Transformed my understanding of sex.

But apparently there's no money to be made from connected, experienced sex like that. So instead we're pedalled shit to ' spice' things up.

i dont think his intention is to make you feel inadequate - I think he is thinking about both of you and wonder if you're both missing out on something that you might like? I'd just keep talking

I'd be in fits of laughter and a bit creeped out if my partner started talking to me in an Egyptian accent but horses for courses... or camels. 😳

Shag walk like an Egyptian 🎵

No. I think HE is thinking he is missing out on something he might like but he wants to feel like a nice guy/ is too lazy to come up with ideas himself, so he's putting it all on OP.

Oh dear, it is official.

I am wierd!

On the one hand you say the onus is on you to think of stuff to do but on the other you say he has introduced stuff like sex toys and lingerie. But as you weren’t keen on those, he’s asking you to come up with some suggestions that you would like. Seems reasonable?

Why don't you tell him that you like a bit of domination.

You want to see him scrub the bathrooms so they're gleaming, then play for hours with the kids until they're exhausted and him put them to bed, then strip naked (aside from a pinny) and cook you an elaborate dinner whilst you sit and bark orders at him:

"get on your knees and....scrub the corners of the shower",

"get deeeeep under the rim of the toilet",

"Now rub my back until I moan"

"Now peel those potatoes, slowly, slowly, strip their dirty skins right off"

Etc etc.

You'll get a tidy house, worn out children, a nice meal and then a bit of a bunk up after; perfect day!

If he's the one who is bothered about it, he needs to stop moaning and come up with the suggestions himself.

I think you are doing well to have sex at all with everything else going on, particularly the insomnia. I personally don't think there is anything more pleasurable in the world than a really good night's sleep.

I think the PP who says he just wants more sex has nailed it, and if it helps you empty your mind it probably wouldn’t do you any harm either.

It sounds like the two of you communicate well, so don’t shy away from this conversation. Find some neutral alone time and tell him you’ve noticed it coming up a lot and you’d like to talk about it properly without either of you backing off.

Start by telling him what does it for you, and be clear you really like sex with him. I would suggest you schedule twice a week and get down to it. I also agree with the PP who says that good sex is really about the full sensual experience. I’d say to him that you think action point one is to build up to good sex twice a week, then if he wants to add in some bells and whistles you can look at that later. I think he’ll be delighted with that. IF he’s still bothered later on then you can figure out what you might both be up for trying.

The other important part of this conversation is that you explain how overwhelmed you feel, and that you need him to take on some stuff. Have a think in advance about what is best to delegate so your workload is equal.

Nah - Someone once said that if we knew about anyone else’s sex life we’d think they were a weirdo. You gotta own it.