DH not happy with sex life, I feel like a disappointment

[sistermichaelseyeroll]

DH and I are both 40. Sex is probably not as frequent as either of us would like, I guess it averages out about once every 10 days or so. When we do it I always enjoy it and think 'we should do this more often' but we're both pretty knackered. We have demanding jobs and 2 DC (5yo and 9yo) who both have SEN, I also have some health issues that impact my sleep. DH does his fair share around the house and is a brilliant Dad, but the 'mental load' stuff tends to fall to me, partly because I work slightly less hours but also because he's very laid back and tends to live in the moment, whereas I'm more of a worrier and a planner.

DH drops hints about wanting to spice things up in the bedroom. But instead of asking for what he wants, he'll ask me if there's anything I'd like to try. He wants me to "make suggestions" or initiate something "different" in bed. When I ask what sort of thing he has in mind he says "anything"! I then feel put on the spot and like a disappointment when I can't think of anything. Maybe I should just make something up, but the truth is that when he's introduced things like bondage or sex toys, or asked me to wear 'sexy' lingerie in the past I've gone along with it for his sake but it hasn't done anything for me. If anything, I'm much less likely to orgasm with that stuff involved.

He says he doesn't want me to do anything I'm uncomfortable with, and that he just wants "a better sex life for both of us" but I feel inadequate because he obviously wishes I was more adventurous. I'm also frustrated because even though he's the one who wants things to change, the onus is on me to make it happen. So instead of being something fun, sex now feels like another source of guilt and stress added to what already felt like a pretty full plate. I've tried to explain this to him, but I don't think he understands. He'll say he didn't mean to make me feel like that or "don't worry about it, forget I said anything" and that "it's not a big deal", but then at some point weeks or months down the line it comes up again.

I love him and I want him to be happy. But the thought of having to continually come up with new ideas to make sex more exciting for him, along with everything else I already have to do and think about just feels like a monumental effort. Am I being unfair to him?

@PercytheParkKeepershedgehog that was brilliantly articulated. You've got me thinking now😁

Reading the subtext it sounds like he wants YOU to do something new and exciting for HIM. But I think that you should answer as if his genuine intention is to see what YOU would like to do. In which case (and to echo previous posters) forget about what you think he wants, or what is "spicy", "different" or "more exciting", and try and think about what you would genuienly enjoy either before or during having sex. If there is a particular thing that he does that you like, tell him more of that. It could be that you want it slower, or for more foreplay or whatever. It might even be something more abstract like an attitude, something as simple as "What I really like is feeling that you want to have sex with ME as I am, and not because I'm dressed up or have my hands tied up." .

I wasn't keen on those things but I have done them on more than one occasion, for him. He wasn't suggesting those things for my benefit, and don't get me wrong that's ok because it doesn't always have to be about my pleasure. Asking me to come up with suggestions would be totally reasonable if I was bored and expressing a desire to spice things up. But telling me he wants me to do something "different" and then being completely vague as to what, so I have to guess or just pull something out of thin air, doesn't feel entirely reasonable to me.

Having a husband that takes on some of the mental load so that the wife is less stressed might go some way to help things in the bedroom. If your bandwidth is full of household and kid stuff, you haven't any room for sexy stuff have you?

I think you've hit the nail on the head. All the stuff people suggest like giving each other massages, tieing each other up, dressing up, basically anything you can buy from Ann Summers or Lovehoney....it does nothing for me. I've done that stuff in the past (because I felt like I should, not because I wanted to) and it just felt a bit ridiculous, like I was performing someone else's idea of sexiness. I feel like DH is wanting me to be into that stuff, or maybe assuming that's what other women are into, I don't know. I am 100% sure that this isn't his intention, but it almost makes me feel like I'm odd or boring or not normal because I don't want those things.

whatchulookinatwillis the best response I’ve ever seen on mumsnet 😂

Tell him, if he’s truly interested, that you don’t want to ‘spice things up’ in a conventional consumerist way, that you love connective sex when you can immerse yourself and truly experience pleasure with him, and that vague pressure from him is making you stressed and killing your libido.

@sistermichaelseyeroll

To answer your first question, I think that the thing I like most about sex (aside from the orgasms!) is that its probably the only time I can genuinely empty my mind and just be in the moment

This bit stood out to me OP. I know you've said you initiate some of the time, but you then say you like to just empty your mind and enjoy it. Once you've initiated, do you ever take control?

When me and DP got in a rut, it was partly because it was always on me to set the tone. She'd initiate roughly half the time, but once she'd kissed me for a bit, or felt up the appropriate areas, it was always then on me to move on to something else, choose positions, tell her I'd like oral sex etc. I got plenty of vocal feedback that she was enjoying what I was doing, but never knew whether she wanted to do something else.

Some times I'd suggest something a bit different, and sometimes she'd be up for it but more often I'd get knocked back, and so we basically started doing the same few things every time, because I knew she enjoyed them. It was like doing a well rehearsed dance.

We didn't really talk about it because I didn't really know what exactly it was that was missing, until one night when she just decided to take charge. I don't know what got into her but she just dictated where, when, what positions at what points, and it was like a lightbulb went off and I realised what had been missing.

So we talked about it the next day and I explained that while I didn't need that level every time, I would like her to take control a bit more, to choose the position occasionally, to ask for what she wanted. Because she never asked for me to go down on her, I didn't feel I could ask it of her, because she never tried anything new with me, I stopped trying it with her etc.

I'm still mostly the one in control in bed, but our sex life isn't exclusively my responsibility any more, and that's all we needed.

Could you suggest things that aren’t sex, and will require very little from you, but might improve intimacy and help you feel less knackered?

”I’d like you to cook dinner tonight, then for us to sit together to eat it with a bottle of wine”

”I’d like for us to snog on the sofa while watching a movie”

”I’d like us to go on an actual date to a cinema”

Buy a strap on.

He will either love it or never ever suggest spicing up your love life in a vague non specified way again

Honestly the fact that you have a demanding job, two kids with SEN and some health issues and still manage to have sex every ten days makes you a total legend in my book. Shame your DH doesn't realise how lucky he is even with things as they are. All the props and paraphernalia does nothing for me either.

That's kind, thank you. I'm someone who naturally puts a lot of pressure on myself, and I've been beating myself up about a lot of things lately so this is really nice to read.

This made me laugh. Not sure I'm willing to take that risk! 😂

I mean....I think we all know what he wants to try, he just wants YOU to suggest it first Op.

Yep, I get this and I dont have SEN kids, just 2 teens who are still awake at 11pm and a demanding full time job. I take on all the mental load, dog stuff, revision stuff, appointments, food shopping, clubs, who needs to be where. He is great a cleaning, ironing, garden stuff etc but I am knackered. When I go to bed I want to go to sleep, not start fucking entertaining another person in the house ffs. I totally get it.

You're not!😆

Exactly what I was thinking!

🤣

This, OP!

Yeah I see what you're saying and I totally get why that would be frustrating, but I don't think that's the case here. I don't just lie there and expect him to do all the work, or to read my mind.

Yeah I made it clear when we first got together almost 2 decades ago that was not on the table, and to be fair he has never shown any interest! If he's waiting for me to suggest that he'll be waiting a long time!!

Ditto
Men can seem much more physically focussed and want to try and fix things with something concrete. If that doesn't work, they take it personally and get defensive "well I tried, what do you want then ?"

Eg I realised that I wanted MUCH slower, MUCH more erotic and MUCH more sensual sex

me too . That’s far more of a turn on than red lace crotchless pants

op maybe read around and think and notice what turns YOU on

but what people tend to like is a partner who clearly finds them attractive and are vocally enjoying the sex

in your situation I’d read some erotic literature or watch something I like
have a long shower and oil myself and prepare self
Maybe start pleasuring myself

but everyone’s different and has different turn on

" what people tend to like is a partner who clearly finds them attractive and are vocally enjoying the sex"

Well said :)

There is so much pressure on people to engage in sexual behaviours that they might not want - and so often it comes between them and destroys what could be a happy sex life, if only it were not for the unrealistic expectations. OP is a very busy lady who is beset with so many demands - it is a great shame that her OH is creating a situation where sex could become just another demand to meet, when really it should be the chance for them both to share some relaxing intimate moments in the midst of their busy lives.

Porn has a lot to answer for.