DH not happy with sex life, I feel like a disappointment

[sistermichaelseyeroll]

DH and I are both 40. Sex is probably not as frequent as either of us would like, I guess it averages out about once every 10 days or so. When we do it I always enjoy it and think 'we should do this more often' but we're both pretty knackered. We have demanding jobs and 2 DC (5yo and 9yo) who both have SEN, I also have some health issues that impact my sleep. DH does his fair share around the house and is a brilliant Dad, but the 'mental load' stuff tends to fall to me, partly because I work slightly less hours but also because he's very laid back and tends to live in the moment, whereas I'm more of a worrier and a planner.

DH drops hints about wanting to spice things up in the bedroom. But instead of asking for what he wants, he'll ask me if there's anything I'd like to try. He wants me to "make suggestions" or initiate something "different" in bed. When I ask what sort of thing he has in mind he says "anything"! I then feel put on the spot and like a disappointment when I can't think of anything. Maybe I should just make something up, but the truth is that when he's introduced things like bondage or sex toys, or asked me to wear 'sexy' lingerie in the past I've gone along with it for his sake but it hasn't done anything for me. If anything, I'm much less likely to orgasm with that stuff involved.

He says he doesn't want me to do anything I'm uncomfortable with, and that he just wants "a better sex life for both of us" but I feel inadequate because he obviously wishes I was more adventurous. I'm also frustrated because even though he's the one who wants things to change, the onus is on me to make it happen. So instead of being something fun, sex now feels like another source of guilt and stress added to what already felt like a pretty full plate. I've tried to explain this to him, but I don't think he understands. He'll say he didn't mean to make me feel like that or "don't worry about it, forget I said anything" and that "it's not a big deal", but then at some point weeks or months down the line it comes up again.

I love him and I want him to be happy. But the thought of having to continually come up with new ideas to make sex more exciting for him, along with everything else I already have to do and think about just feels like a monumental effort. Am I being unfair to him?

In your place, there are 2 things I would suggest:

1. as PP suggested, make him do the house stuff while you bark orders to him. You could be naked and play with yourself while he scrubs the bath (that would definitely turn me on 😂 )

2. tell him you want to be the sub. So he has to organise everything, set the scene and tell you what to do. You get sex without any effort!

Ltb!!!

Just initiate sex occasionally and perhaps try a different position , or do it on the sofa or somewhere else one , it’s sex it’s supposed to be fun not another chore .

I'm surprised by people suggesting that sex is another chore that your husband is lucky you have the energy to do every 10 days. It's telling that sex isn't seen as something to enjoy for both of you, as something to be desired and needed by you, not just your partner.

There is no suggestion that the OP does not enjoy or desire sex, but the demands her OH is making are turning it into yet another chore, when it should be a relaxing pleasurable time. All day she has the demands of work and children, then instead of intimate time together being a chance to breathe out and share something enjoyable, he wants her to come up with something new - he doesn't know what (or is too lazy to think of something or too stupid to identify what he wants), so somehow she must mind read. I can see that rapidly becoming a chore!!

I think he does know what he wants, I'd be wondering where he is getting his ideas from. Has he got any newly paired up or newly single friends who are raving about their sex life?

IME the best thing would be a short break in a lovely, comfortable hotel. somewhere that you could have a swim, a massage, a nice dinner, peace and quiet. Time to chat, enjoy each other's company.

Suggest he organises this and whatever contingency arrangements for childcare etc.

Meh if he wants something different he is going to have to use his words and ask for it. God men are infuriating.

tell him you want to be the sub. So he has to organise everything, set the scene and tell you what to do. You get sex without any effort!

I had one that tried to tell me it was the sub's role to come up with stuff for us to do.

No, I hate this shit me.

Order a strap on for you and some lube. Tell him you want to tie him to the bed....

@BumpyaDaisyevna I have read quite a few books on women's fantasies (and enjoy them myself - different eras or places).

I would blush very crimson if I ever typed them out! You are brave but don't feel ashamed. Nowt wrong with a few camels in the background.

It's common for women to enjoy the story element in fantasy - setting, characters and dynamics like power play. Less so than for many men.

Just wondering now if Egyptian women ever have fantasies about English Earls??

Ashamed is the wrong word - I mean don't feel weird, it's actually quite typical.

I just think men think about sex an awful lot more than women do. If they carried more of the mental load, they wouldn't have the time and energy IMO.

I think I'd be blunt, and say "you do realise that dropping shit like this on me just makes me want sex even less, right? If you want something different, just own it and talk about it like an adult".

Sex every 10 days is frequent in my book.

I reckon he's watching porn, wants more "spice" but doesn't want to 'admit' he's wanting it. So he wants you to suggest it.

Next time I'd just respond with "I'm happy with our sex life, if you want something different, you'll have to suggest it. I have nothing to suggest".

Tell him you want to beat him soundly with a paddle.

I think porn has skewed some men’s expectations. Normal amazing sex to my mind is, or can be, well, amazing. Ironically if a man complained our sex wasn’t sexy enough (whatever that means) that would put me off sex.

@Wheresmypal 🙌 you’ve put into words my thoughts too

Do you own a Womens Weekly? 🤔

Yep, it's so predictable.

Ha ha,Woman's Weekly.

This is so funny 😁

I'm just impressed two 40 yr olds with young kids with SEN have sex every 10 days or less.

Pmsl

*Hmm ... we are ancient Egyptians, we are in a tent in the desert, I am dark and gorgeous and I am dressed in a diaphanous floaty white dress and you are my Pharoah, you have just arrived on your big camel - outside is the sound of the palm trees in the hot desert wind and a trickle of water in the oasis ... and of the servant outside fanning with a huge palm leaf ...

Then he carries on the story ... in a husky egpytian accent, whispering in my ear - it gets so hot the sex is then 😂... very erotic.*

I'm sorry but I just can't not query this ...

Why would the servant be outside fanning ... If the pharoah and his woman are inside??

Who are they fanning?
Themself - I doubt they'd get that luxury.
Someone else; who is right outside your tent listening to you shag (?)

Also why would a pharoah and his woman ever spend any real amount of time in a tent when you've got cool, luxurious palaces with baths and toilets and stuff?

And an Egyptian accent? I can't think of a British person doing an Egyptian accent (esp for sexy talk) without it becoming a bit carry on up the cybher-ish. It sounds really comical.

@GilberMarkham, it’s not my cup of tea either but it’s not harmful is it? No need to shame the PP.