DH and I are both 40. Sex is probably not as frequent as either of us would like, I guess it averages out about once every 10 days or so. When we do it I always enjoy it and think 'we should do this more often' but we're both pretty knackered. We have demanding jobs and 2 DC (5yo and 9yo) who both have SEN, I also have some health issues that impact my sleep. DH does his fair share around the house and is a brilliant Dad, but the 'mental load' stuff tends to fall to me, partly because I work slightly less hours but also because he's very laid back and tends to live in the moment, whereas I'm more of a worrier and a planner.
DH drops hints about wanting to spice things up in the bedroom. But instead of asking for what he wants, he'll ask me if there's anything I'd like to try. He wants me to "make suggestions" or initiate something "different" in bed. When I ask what sort of thing he has in mind he says "anything"! I then feel put on the spot and like a disappointment when I can't think of anything. Maybe I should just make something up, but the truth is that when he's introduced things like bondage or sex toys, or asked me to wear 'sexy' lingerie in the past I've gone along with it for his sake but it hasn't done anything for me. If anything, I'm much less likely to orgasm with that stuff involved.
He says he doesn't want me to do anything I'm uncomfortable with, and that he just wants "a better sex life for both of us" but I feel inadequate because he obviously wishes I was more adventurous. I'm also frustrated because even though he's the one who wants things to change, the onus is on me to make it happen. So instead of being something fun, sex now feels like another source of guilt and stress added to what already felt like a pretty full plate. I've tried to explain this to him, but I don't think he understands. He'll say he didn't mean to make me feel like that or "don't worry about it, forget I said anything" and that "it's not a big deal", but then at some point weeks or months down the line it comes up again.
I love him and I want him to be happy. But the thought of having to continually come up with new ideas to make sex more exciting for him, along with everything else I already have to do and think about just feels like a monumental effort. Am I being unfair to him?