Money and new partner

[Mevawall]

Hi all,

NC as I have friends who use MN.

To cut a long story short my husband and I separated around a year ago, it was my choice after many months of soul searching and realising there wasn’t a way back for us and whilst he felt shocked at first we’re amicable now and are in the process of divorcing properly, though currently still living together as finding a local property to rent right now is horrendous.
Neither of us have any shared financial obligations (house, car, loans etc) just two small children who we’ve always agreed we will share 50/50 custody, decisions and arrangements for so we don’t expect any formal financial arrangement for maintenance or set days and weeks.

The house is in my husbands name as it was a gift from his grandmother so I will be moving out, and I don’t want any money from it as it was a gift to him and will one day be our children’s inheritance. He has has agreed to give me a small sum of money after remortgaging the house to get started in a new home with, which is very nice of him and will come in handy for fees and deposits.

Now, I met a new partner about 8 months ago, we’re LD at the moment as he’s based in the States, but he is applying to move here for early next year.
He’s absolutely amazing, everything I have wanted in a life partner and he feels the same way. He’s just brilliant, and as he has no obligations tying his to the US has said he will move here happily which has made things decidedly easier.
Financially he earns a good salary, can work remote and has gotten permission to do so from his employer, so he’s just working out the legalities of working when coming to the U.K and the dual tax system. He’s just sold his home over there in preparation to coming here as well as his other belongings and is now just renting until his visa comes through.
Yes, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind romance, but we’re both very sure this is what we want going forwards. Not here looking for a “ITS ONLY BEEN 8 MONTHS!” As yes, I can count. 😂

Last week he told me he wants to open a joint account in the U.S and then eventually I can do the same here in the U.K when he arrives so I can access his money and pool mine, that way we can buy a house here rather than me renting for a year whilst all things settle.
In his eyes renting isn’t worth it when I can handle all of the legalities of paying for it outright here with the money from the sale of his house, and that way I don’t have to worry about having to move out if given notice before he arrives.
He also added that the joint account means he wouldn’t need to worry about transferring money to me in future for buying things such as furniture or paying for household repairs, as transferring money has been an issue previously when we were booking a holiday together and we had to jump through hoops with my bank to ensure the money arrived properly.

Am I going a bit mad to think this is crazy? We love one another, I really don’t care about how much money he has and certainly won’t be going on any spending sprees. We have also both discussed marrying in a year or so once my divorce is finalised so will end up us both sharing assets anyway then.
As long as my children have two happy homes, my ex and I co-parent well and my partner is here with me, that’s all I care about.
I work and can support myself and my children independently (work is something I wouldn’t ever give up and he is very supportive with my development) though I’ll never be able to buy a house, but that side of things isn’t a huge issue to me and I’m happy to rent long-term.

Its a strange one as I know if I told friends they’d think I’d lost my mind but as I don’t have anything to financially lose they’d tell me it’s all ok, but is it? Am I not seeing a potential downside of this? He open with finances, he’s not a huge spender and has a reliable income as well as stocks, shares and investments, so can anyone tell me if I’m feeling this way for no reason please?

TIA!

I don’t know the nature of the scam. But it is very fishy that he is suggesting these joint accounts, because there is absolutely no need. I am afraid SCAM also jumped off the page to me immediately.

there will be something - eventually! maybe he will play the long game - but i bet something will happen eventually - an issue with paying for something urgently to do with his visa or something and will ask the OP to quickly help him out and that will be the start

I am a retired Bank Manager and I also spent decades working in Debt Recovery. My advice would be to never pool your money with him, or any man. When you have a joint account, you are "jointly and severably liable" for anything that happens with that account. So, let's say he takes out £2k and you go overdrawn by that sum, the Bank can (and will) come after YOU to pay that back. I just wouldn't risk it. Your relationship only has 50% chance of lasting, you don't want to muddy the waters by combining any assets or finance. Keep yourself right here. Think with your head and not your knicker elastic (in the nicest way possible).

What visa would he enter the UK with?

I'm only asking as I had a lot of aggro with proving to UKVI that my relationship with my wife was "genuine and subsisting". Should you go through the Family Visa route, you would need to be engaged or already married.

They would want to see joint finances, proof of many trips to see one another & proof of intent to marry (if not already married) such as giving notice, bookings etc. They can also request written testimonies from friends/relatives to back up that you two are the real deal.

Then there's the financial element, you must earn over a certain amount (I can't remember exactly, but I think it's around £30,000 or have over £16,000 in savings to be able to "sponsor" him to the extent that he won't be a burden to the State for the validity of the visa (30 months). Then you have to repeat the process. It's a 5 year route for a spouse to be granted Indefinite Leave To Remain.

They also look at your accommodation, how secure the tenancy / mortgage arrangement is & risk of overcrowding.

Also, nicely, OP, have you thought of what it is that makes this such an attractive proposition for him? An 'amazing' guy who has a good salary and owns a house - why would he move across the world for a woman in her 40s, divorced with two young kids he barely knows? Are there no women in the US? Women get so starry eyed when love bombed by a man they don't see clearly.

I like others think this is deeply, glaringly sus! If you have joint finances he could rack up debts in your name, perhaps even have a claim on your marital property with your ex! Or could this - shudder- be about your kids?

Oh dear oh dear, this is completely nuts!! You must be off your rocker!! It's obe thing having a relationship with him but to open yourself up so completely, especially financially, to him is pure madness. There is nothing to say your relationship will last - you have o idea what it will be like to actually live together. How do you know he has a tally sold his house? It sounds as though you're doing sn awful lot on his terms. Fine, if you really think he could be your future, butcwhy not let him move over to UK but live separately & independently and take it much more slowly. It's moving far too fast and your children will need time with just you in a bed home to get used to the new situation.

Also, in terms of your divorce - It's no wonder your husband is so a.icable if you're not taking a ything from the marriage. Have you spoken to a solicitor? But, most importantly, do NOT get so totally enmeshed with this bloke as I think it all sounds extremely dodgy.

Sorry OP. But you seemed to look for a magic that involves tinder swindler. I understand you met him face to face but that doesn't make him any less scammer. Selling everything from US and moving here to do his job remotely, this all sounds like he is going too far too soon for you like he is head over heels for you. Scammer generally do this to make you feel special. They know that the innocent fish will drop into the scam easily. Don't merge money with your new found romance. Your husband seemed like a great guy. From your notes it sounded like you guys didn't have any issues but you decided to split anyway due to soul searching. Can you please search your soul again before doing anything stupid again with this new guy? You are putting your small children at risk for your sake. I am sorry to say but you are being selfish and not prioritising your children. I understand this is not what you want to hear but I feel this is the truth.

This. Like your marriage, things change. People change their minds. You are going to end up with nothing, as will your kids. You can't just designate your husband the responsibility for looking after them financially in the future. If you want them to have inheritance, you claim it and save it to pass to them. You don't get to make your soon-to-be ex husband's financial decisions going forward.

That's insane..I don't even know where to start...you cannot be talking about joint accounts after 8 months...you need to take a huge step back, take a breath, find your feet, enjoy your independence and see if you both feel the same in 18 months (minimum). Whirlwind romances should be consigned to the movie history books, they are usually not real and will burn out just as quickly. I wish you well.

You're setting yourself up to be scammed OP. Doesn't matter if you don't have any assets or money. With a joint account he can apply for loans in your name, he can run up debts in your name, obliterate your credit rating.
Come on, surely you're not this naive?

Hi.
It's not the length of time so much as the fact that it's long distance and he could be saying anything! Doesn't it set off alarm bells that he's willing to uproot and leave a great job, sell his house and everything else to come here and start again? And now he wants to open a joint account? I'm sorry, it could be a wonderful fairy story or it could turn out that he's got another few women in the go who've been tricked by a professional scammer. I hope it's the former but if I were you I wouldn't get involved in anything financial or that could affect your children's lives until he's actually here and you know realistically that things are going well. Apart from anything else when he gets here and you're living together his day to day behaviour could drive you nuts and it might not work!
It's your choice but be careful!
Good luck xxx

Exactly!

Why is he not married?

Even if he’s divorced he’s apparently quite a catch, so why did he not look for a partner in the USA or Canada or Mexico?

There are numerous countries closer to the UK.

He would have at least started looking in his country and surrounding countries first, so why didn’t any of the relationships work out?

No one would buy a property in a country they barely know and put someone name on the house, when they don’t know them.

Why can’t you see the huge red flag flying in front of your face??

He could easily buy a house and then start a relationship and have you move in with him eventually.

No one would put someone else’s name on their home and share a bank account with someone they barely know.

It’s most likely a financial scam just because he’s been testing the waters to see how gullible you are with these things but it may also be a visa scam or something else too.

Has your ex found a new partner?

I’m just wondering why you seem to have lost all of your senses and wonder if you’re trying to ‘beat’ your ex at finding happiness.

I just would not open a joint anything or share finance of any kind until he is here as he is promising. And take it from there...... I don't even have a shared account with my husband and never will. Good luck I hope it turns out as intended by you and he isn't a a big SCAMMER people are not always what they seem as I'm sure you know.

I feel sick reading this. Thank God you started this thread OP . Please please take note of the posts. I'm so sorry but it's a SCAM

100% it has. Jeesh OP, please don't start any monetary involvement with this man until you have met in person and are one hundred percent sure he is genuine, even then be very careful.
I suggest you watch a few episodes of 'Love Rats' on TV, your story has got that written all over it.

Please watch the Tinder Swindler on Netflix. This has Netflix documentary written all over it.

Firstly, love is a wonderful thing and if you have found it, grab it with both hands and go for it...but that doesn't mean throw caution to the wind when you have children involved. No matter how truly, madly you feel about this guy, your first priority is the well being of your children. That is not just emotionally but physically and financially.

Its good you first met him on holiday but con merchants have holidays and families abroad too...not saying he is one but don't be blind to the potential. If he is a thoroughly decent guy as you believe, this is still a new scenario for you both and mistakes can be made. If its just you too that suffer the consequences, that's bad enough, but there are children involved.

Personally I think if you make some checks, use your head and slow it all down, its doable.

No.1 ...Having had a few short breaks with a guy (who you haven't said has had kids - if he has, why is he willing to leave them???) is different to living with him and its not fair on your kids, he is yet untested with your children and they are your priority. If he moves here, he rents separately from you and if you prove the test of time, and your kids get on with him, you move in together. No AirBNB, that's not reality - a secure home for you and the kids to visit.

No.2.. Playing devils advocate, why are you even considering opening a bank account in the USA, it makes no sense and adds financial complications that are not beneficial. There are tax implications to having bank accounts in two countries...these tax implications will affect you, not him. What are the requirements of a joint bank accounts in the USA, are you jointly and severally responsible for any debts created? He would need your ID, passport etc to open the account - the potential for fraud just start multiplying. He could take out loans in your joint names - not saying he would, but you don't know the system in the USA and nor do you need to as he is moving here so you opening an account in the USA is flawed from the outset. If he is the guy you say he is, he will suck up the inconvenience and find a way around it....his priority needs to be the welfare of your kids too - if not walk away, its not going to work.

If he is applying for a Visa to work here, it makes sense for him to open a bank account (not joint) here in the UK - he will need this anyway if he intends to live here. Keep your money separate for now, but both having UK banks accounts will solve any issues just now for the likes of holidays. He is a non UK national and there will be tax implications involved so no point in complicating things further by having your money involved in those tax implications.

Finally, this guy maybe genuine but he has never lived with you and you are asking him to give up his country, his family and his friends. That's a lot to cope with before you add in the dynamics of your children. But the welfare of your children come first. All the best of intentions may be there with you both, but its a BIG change for him and it may not work simply because it demands monumental changes for the guy.

Kudos to him, for feeling that deeply that he is willing to give up his world for you...but the kids come first so proceed with caution, if he is a keeper, he will understand. Be cautious, be considerate, be practical and be willing to make a major sacrifice for your childrens well being - I wish you love and happiness!

Sorry if I’ve missed it but how many times have you gone to the states and visited him in his home?

I’m racking my brains because this has happened on MN before.

It had to have been a couple of years ago at least and I don’t remember all of the details but it was very similar circumstances.

The OP had fallen for an incredible man from the states and he was very kind, generous and perfect in every way (even though no one is perfect).

He bought her loads of stuff and told her she’d never have to worry about money again, as he had a good job etc and was going to take care of her.
I think he sent her quite a lot of money too and she had access to his bank account (one of them).

I don’t remember the ins and outs of it but there was another women involved.
Either he had a partner in the states and they both wanted to move over here or he’d met someone over here and he needed a way to move here.

They’d come up with a scam together that meant he would basically find someone gullible and get her to get a house etc in her name because he wasn’t able to.

He wasn’t able to get a permanent visa until he was living with the OP and she was used financially but it was more so he could move over and be with this other woman.

I’ve been looking for the thread but can’t find it but as soon as I read it I knew I’d heard similar on here before.

I’m not saying he’s definitely a scammer but when someone you barely know is talking about joint accounts and homes in someone else’s names, then something isn’t right.

Why not slow the whole thing down? Why the hurry? why not take your time to get to know this man better…

You may have moved on from your marriage, but your DC’s won’t have done so, so quickly as you. This situation is much newer to them. So for their sake, why not take it slower with this man and get used to being on your own with your DC’s. They have a big life change to navigate and will need your support and focus. Then if the relationship continues to blossom, then think in time about him coming over and having a life together.

It’s amazing that he can move countries and still do the same job remotely. I have never heard of anyone doing that.

I think you're right to feel cautious. Do you really know this man? Are you sure that he might not run up debts in your name, etc??

I'd keep finances separate for now and if you live together have one joint account for household expenses, and keep the rest of the finances separate.

@Mevawall

I'm not wanting to 'rain on your parade' here, but there are lots of red flags in your post and the biggest, most enormous one is the one about Joint Accounts, either here in the UK or the US.

You might, just Might, be right, that it is all above board, but the fact you have asked for advice here suggests you also have some doubts, that this is all too good to be true. Which it probably is.

@Flyingalone above has hit the nail on the head - only they aren't quite correct:
You open a joint account he takes a giant loan on it. He breaks up with you. You will have to pay back half of it.

You would actually be responsible for paying it ALL Back if, as seems likely, this is a scam

@BarleySugars and @MetaverseMavis have both given great advice and is exactly what I would say to you too.

Are you quite mad?

I've only read the OP's posts and not RTFT, so forgive me if I am repeating.

Joint finances with someone who is considered a 'US person' is opening yourself up to a world of complicated finances and tax pain. The US has a complicated tax system and US citizens must file tax, no matter where they are in the world. Joint account holders become subject to this by proxy. Even people who are married to US citizens, but don't live there, often keep their accounts separate for this reason.

Even if you want to pool your finances to buy a house, there's no need to open a joint account.

If he wants to move money back and forth between the US and the UK, he should look at opening a Wise or Revolut account. They are excellent platforms for foreign exchange and you can have a card issued to use for purchases and to withdraw cash.

If you are convinced this isn't a scam OP, one of the best bits of relationship advice on here is - fairly early on the the relationship to say NO to him and mean NO. And see how he reacts and what happens from there. A solid guy who respects you will respect your wishes.

You have been given a perfect opprotunity to do this. You say NO to his crazy plan, you put your kids first and you do things your way. Step my step take your time. If he is fantastic Mr Perfect he will understand, respect your POV, and play nice and all will work out in the end.

If he doesn't understad, if he tries to convice and coerce you to doing things his way, comes up with another plan involving other financial shennanigans, if he asks you for a penny for whatever reason, you will need to have your eyes open and see he is playing you.