Money and new partner

[Mevawall]

Hi all,

NC as I have friends who use MN.

To cut a long story short my husband and I separated around a year ago, it was my choice after many months of soul searching and realising there wasn’t a way back for us and whilst he felt shocked at first we’re amicable now and are in the process of divorcing properly, though currently still living together as finding a local property to rent right now is horrendous.
Neither of us have any shared financial obligations (house, car, loans etc) just two small children who we’ve always agreed we will share 50/50 custody, decisions and arrangements for so we don’t expect any formal financial arrangement for maintenance or set days and weeks.

The house is in my husbands name as it was a gift from his grandmother so I will be moving out, and I don’t want any money from it as it was a gift to him and will one day be our children’s inheritance. He has has agreed to give me a small sum of money after remortgaging the house to get started in a new home with, which is very nice of him and will come in handy for fees and deposits.

Now, I met a new partner about 8 months ago, we’re LD at the moment as he’s based in the States, but he is applying to move here for early next year.
He’s absolutely amazing, everything I have wanted in a life partner and he feels the same way. He’s just brilliant, and as he has no obligations tying his to the US has said he will move here happily which has made things decidedly easier.
Financially he earns a good salary, can work remote and has gotten permission to do so from his employer, so he’s just working out the legalities of working when coming to the U.K and the dual tax system. He’s just sold his home over there in preparation to coming here as well as his other belongings and is now just renting until his visa comes through.
Yes, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind romance, but we’re both very sure this is what we want going forwards. Not here looking for a “ITS ONLY BEEN 8 MONTHS!” As yes, I can count. 😂

Last week he told me he wants to open a joint account in the U.S and then eventually I can do the same here in the U.K when he arrives so I can access his money and pool mine, that way we can buy a house here rather than me renting for a year whilst all things settle.
In his eyes renting isn’t worth it when I can handle all of the legalities of paying for it outright here with the money from the sale of his house, and that way I don’t have to worry about having to move out if given notice before he arrives.
He also added that the joint account means he wouldn’t need to worry about transferring money to me in future for buying things such as furniture or paying for household repairs, as transferring money has been an issue previously when we were booking a holiday together and we had to jump through hoops with my bank to ensure the money arrived properly.

Am I going a bit mad to think this is crazy? We love one another, I really don’t care about how much money he has and certainly won’t be going on any spending sprees. We have also both discussed marrying in a year or so once my divorce is finalised so will end up us both sharing assets anyway then.
As long as my children have two happy homes, my ex and I co-parent well and my partner is here with me, that’s all I care about.
I work and can support myself and my children independently (work is something I wouldn’t ever give up and he is very supportive with my development) though I’ll never be able to buy a house, but that side of things isn’t a huge issue to me and I’m happy to rent long-term.

Its a strange one as I know if I told friends they’d think I’d lost my mind but as I don’t have anything to financially lose they’d tell me it’s all ok, but is it? Am I not seeing a potential downside of this? He open with finances, he’s not a huge spender and has a reliable income as well as stocks, shares and investments, so can anyone tell me if I’m feeling this way for no reason please?

TIA!

I was just having a chat with my adult son this week, talking about "old" times...

He was saying how glad he was that I never moved a man in while he was growing up. Good to get the appreciation. I also never wanted to live with a man again anyway and become his skivvy and certainly not with my child around.

The thread just gets worse

if he’s doing that to 20 women….

I won’t add anything to all the very real warnings that other posters have given, that you just choose to ignore - but will tell you about my experience.

My DF and DM divorced. He met someone else and bought a house (she didn’t contribute) paid the deposit and mortgage etc. He passed away and obviously his new wife continued to live in the house, keep all his savings, have his life insurance etc. She jumped straight into another relationship and remarried and then passed away herself about 12 months later.

Guess who now owns my Dads house and benefits from all his savings and what is left of his life insurance money - yes, you guessed it, a complete stranger to us. I am not fussed about any inheritance, but a complete stranger has now ‘inherited’ my Dads house and money.

Make sure you chat with your ex-husband to absolutely safeguard the house for your children for the future.

Agree with PPs, no joint account yet.
If he wants to send you money use Paypal or Wise.

As for moving in, if he moves over and you do decide to move in together straightaway (I'd wait, personally, because of the children), rent for 1-2 years first. You don't know what it's like living with this guy nor he, you.

Also, just because he doesn't have a criminal record (aside from the DUI), doesn't mean he is not a predator. As a single parent, I'm always very cautious about bringing a man into my DC's life.

You are loved up right now , which is fine, but be wary as well.

You saying no is not the issue.
Its the him asking.
This is joke.

It’s not the fact that OP has met someone from a different country that’s the issue.

I have lots of friends who have met people who live in different countries and sometimes it works out and they are very happy.

The worry here, as you say, is the rush of it all.

They barely know each other but are talking about having living together, a joint account, putting a house in her name etc it’s all too much too soon and it’s screams scam.

OP just needs to use her brain and slow things down.
Let him move over here and they can start a proper relationship and go from there.

Surely nobody is this gullible?

I know someone who met a rich guy with a gold mine. He used to take her out for a spin in his ££££ car. After a few nice meals out, paid for by him of course, it turned out there were a few legal issues around the mine and could she just lend him ....

I mean .... a gold mine .... could it be more ridiculous?!?

I’m saying the same as you moreorless, it’s the rushing of this and not knowing him at all (and him not knowing her too) that’s foolhardy here.

Add to the fact he hasn’t (and shouldn’t) meet/met her children yet and it gets worse.

This man could and probably has been saying anything, a nice holiday to Ireland where no one asks questions and it’s a romantic holiday with lots of sex. No wonder OP is blinded by his charms.

My concern is WHY he wants you to open a joint bank account with him in the USA. You don't live in the USA. What possible use could that be to you?

As I am a cynic, it would suggest to me there is something in it for HIM - maybe he has loads of debts he's hiding, maybe he wants to run up a load of debt which you'd then be responsible for. I know I am just echoing what others have said OP but the whole thing really does smack of a scam. Also, you are STILL LIVING with your husband, why are you rushing straight into marriage with another man?

Also - why are you only accepting £7K off your exhusband, the house is half your house legally. Is it because you feel guilty about rushing into another relationship? You may be cutting off your nose to spite your face by doing this.

So you admit to being naïve? Doesn’t that bother you, especially in this situation? Which family members of his have you met face to face, in the flesh?

I know someone who met a rich guy with a gold mine. He used to take her out for a spin in his ££££ car. After a few nice meals out, paid for by him of course, it turned out there were a few legal issues around the mine and could she just lend him ....

This reminds me of a programme about crypto (maybe last year) where the presenter was determined to be impressed by this crypto 'expert' with a Maserati (or it might have been a Ferrari) and was whisked off to the 'country house'....which, as one reviewer pointed out, both might have been rented to impress gullible clients.

OP sounds the same - determined not to see anything hinky at all about the scenario because'we're in lurrrrrrve'. It can work, of course it can - my DB and SIL met online and have been married over 20 years. It's just that there are so many red flags here.

The money thing aside, I really don't understand what he's talking about re immigration. Getting a work visa is incredibly difficult and mostly involves employer sponsorship. What type of job does he do? It must be skills that a company is willing to pay for as the costs are significant. Or is he saying his current employer will relocate him? Again, why would they do that?

Get some money out of the ex for the home you shared for 18years. Doesn't matter if granny paid for it.

This and the new bf
Why are you being so naive?

finances aren’t my strong suit

No they're not are they?

At least you have recognised that, so this is my advice. Sorry it's a long post but I think it needs saying in one chunk. In no order of importance because they are all vital:

Firstly, do not go agreeing to be a joint account holder on a US account when you know nothing of US banking (and tax!!) rules and procedures. And what the problems are penalties can be if things go wrong.

Secondly, do not go agreeing to have a joint UK account with a US citizen until you understand the exact rules for his circumstances present and future within our system. Likewise about problems and penalties.

Thirdly, make sure you understand (and can verify) how this man can get a visa to live and work here without being engaged or married to you (and how this will play out legally long term when you are arranging to marry). It could be simple - maybe he's a dual citizen? Or maybe has a key job where the UK side of the company can move him over (but how secure is that for the long term being linked to his work)? Or it may be very complicated indeed. Don't put ideas in his head that he could use if he's scamming you. Inform yourself and then feign ignorance when asking him questions about how this will work. Check he understands properly himself how it all works legally and financially for him and for you as a couple, without you prompting him. If he get evasive or controlling or tries to shut the conversation down when you do this, red flag! If he has no idea then he's naive or deliberately spinning you nonsense, both red flags! This also applies to points 1 & 2 and every other legal and financial aspect of this.

Fourthly, see a good solicitor and make sure you get half of the marital assets, considering house, pensions, life assurance policies etc and compensation for any time you have spent on maternity leave, looking after children, or working in lesser or part time jobs in order to look after children, home and husband. Some alimony might be appropriate for a period depending on what the situation is with the assets, whether or not he is having 50/50 custody and is he really going to do 50% of everything and pay his fair share? This needs to be watertight. So what if the house money was a gift from Grandma and he intends to leave it to the children - there are numerous ways that could go wrong.

You can arrange the best way for the half you get to be as protected as possible for the children's future, and make sensible decisions for their future going forward by yourself and maybe with this man in due course. But it is vital you make sure you take care of yourself, as a mother if you can't see it for yourself as an individual, financially, first and foremost. And protect your income for if you get sick or disabled and think about old age care. Because it won't help them as adults if they feel they have to step in because you haven't thought about that properly (and that's making an assumption that they would be willing and able to).

So, fifthly, start to build a long term relationship with an independent financial adviser who can help you with all the above and more - it'll be the best money you ever spend! (And paying for this needs to come from the joint assets/income of the marriage, ditto your solicitor, during the divorce process, not from your currently very small pot and income). Keep touching base with them as you move through your next life stages. Make sure your interests are served by any decisions you make when forming a partnership with this man married or not and keep your own pot of money and financial protection products to one side and keep your own financial adviser even if in time most of it is pooled into a new family and you have a joint FA.

IMO this may be a genuine love story which ends in a happy blended family, or an elaborate long term scam, or just a fairly run of the mill mess waiting to happen, and you've had lots of comments and food for thought about that aspect of things already. IMO by all means go for it if you are satisfied that it's likely to be the first one, but please do it in a measured, well informed and as safe (financially and otherwise) way as possible.

(Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer or financial adviser nor have I ever been.)

RED FLAGS ABOUND

He's seen you coming. Do you not think he could put up a long distance show for 8 months with the potential for grabbing your money on the horizon?

Why would any genuine person possibly think after 8 months that it was appropriate to suggest joint bank accounts? Don't do it!!

You are being scammed by the guy in the US.

Also see a divorce lawyer about your marital assets. you sound very naive. You really need to talk to someone sensible in real life.

No, absolutely do not agree to have a joint bank account with someone you've known for less than a year and who lives in another country. You simply do not know him well enough and you have never even lived in the same country, let alone in the same house.

I'm not saying he isn't genuine in his intentions, but you cannot possibly know until you've been with him for a decent amount of time, and have lived with him.

Even if you never pay anything into that account, you would be linked to it if he used it for something like money-laundering or fraud or if he went bankrupt or something. Anything like joint finances need to wait until you're a properly established couple who live together and have a long-standing relationship behind you. Assuming he really is making plans to move here, wait until he's done that and you've been living together for a while.

Great advice!

Where finances are concerned, please just focus on using your money to protect your and your children's futures.

There is NO good reason for him or any new guy to ask for access to your money.

@Lorieandrews if he’s doing that to 20 women….

I was about to say that but then I saw your post. He’s probably “buying a house” with several women in the UK.

Ok so I have a number of overseas relatives in the US and Asia. Sending money from account to account is actually really easy and I cannot see any good reason why you would need to set up a joint account at this stage. I share with others the concern that there might be some other reason for looking for a joint account.

The obvious one is to scam you for money- set up the relationship permanently and then pressure you to go for half the house perhaps? but there are others. He could for example be involved in money laundering and a joint account in the UK might be very good for this purpose. For example he could transfer money into the account and then get you to purchase high end jewellery or property and this might hide the origins of the cash.

If he just wants you to organise a purchase for him why do you not ask him to add you to one of his credit cards? That way you do not have any financial risks and the origin of any cash would be clear?

Scam. Wise up OP. Seems like the joint account maybe to help him to cover some other kind of monetary scheme he has going on in relation to maybe the visa etc. Anyway your a mum of 2 who was only single for 2 months before meeting this man and that too LD. It just sounds too weird and too soon. Be sensible for your kids sake, if it's serious 2 years down the line then go for the joint house etc.

The IRS takes no prisoners do not mix your finances, especially as you do understand the complexities of the tax system and the severe penalties. Even if you get married in the future please take advice from a tax expert before joining financials or getting joint property.