Money and new partner

[Mevawall]

Hi all,

NC as I have friends who use MN.

To cut a long story short my husband and I separated around a year ago, it was my choice after many months of soul searching and realising there wasn’t a way back for us and whilst he felt shocked at first we’re amicable now and are in the process of divorcing properly, though currently still living together as finding a local property to rent right now is horrendous.
Neither of us have any shared financial obligations (house, car, loans etc) just two small children who we’ve always agreed we will share 50/50 custody, decisions and arrangements for so we don’t expect any formal financial arrangement for maintenance or set days and weeks.

The house is in my husbands name as it was a gift from his grandmother so I will be moving out, and I don’t want any money from it as it was a gift to him and will one day be our children’s inheritance. He has has agreed to give me a small sum of money after remortgaging the house to get started in a new home with, which is very nice of him and will come in handy for fees and deposits.

Now, I met a new partner about 8 months ago, we’re LD at the moment as he’s based in the States, but he is applying to move here for early next year.
He’s absolutely amazing, everything I have wanted in a life partner and he feels the same way. He’s just brilliant, and as he has no obligations tying his to the US has said he will move here happily which has made things decidedly easier.
Financially he earns a good salary, can work remote and has gotten permission to do so from his employer, so he’s just working out the legalities of working when coming to the U.K and the dual tax system. He’s just sold his home over there in preparation to coming here as well as his other belongings and is now just renting until his visa comes through.
Yes, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind romance, but we’re both very sure this is what we want going forwards. Not here looking for a “ITS ONLY BEEN 8 MONTHS!” As yes, I can count. 😂

Last week he told me he wants to open a joint account in the U.S and then eventually I can do the same here in the U.K when he arrives so I can access his money and pool mine, that way we can buy a house here rather than me renting for a year whilst all things settle.
In his eyes renting isn’t worth it when I can handle all of the legalities of paying for it outright here with the money from the sale of his house, and that way I don’t have to worry about having to move out if given notice before he arrives.
He also added that the joint account means he wouldn’t need to worry about transferring money to me in future for buying things such as furniture or paying for household repairs, as transferring money has been an issue previously when we were booking a holiday together and we had to jump through hoops with my bank to ensure the money arrived properly.

Am I going a bit mad to think this is crazy? We love one another, I really don’t care about how much money he has and certainly won’t be going on any spending sprees. We have also both discussed marrying in a year or so once my divorce is finalised so will end up us both sharing assets anyway then.
As long as my children have two happy homes, my ex and I co-parent well and my partner is here with me, that’s all I care about.
I work and can support myself and my children independently (work is something I wouldn’t ever give up and he is very supportive with my development) though I’ll never be able to buy a house, but that side of things isn’t a huge issue to me and I’m happy to rent long-term.

Its a strange one as I know if I told friends they’d think I’d lost my mind but as I don’t have anything to financially lose they’d tell me it’s all ok, but is it? Am I not seeing a potential downside of this? He open with finances, he’s not a huge spender and has a reliable income as well as stocks, shares and investments, so can anyone tell me if I’m feeling this way for no reason please?

TIA!

Why doesn’t he send the money to his family in the UK? They must have a bank account and presumably the bank would be less likely to enquire about it if it was demonstrably intra family.

Money laundering is big, big business OP, and they are very skilled. I’m not saying he doesn’t like you, like sleeping with you, maybe even love you, but the money side is still dodgy.

Micheal Corleone (Godfather) really loved his wife, but it didn’t stop him running brothels, dabbling in extortion and murdering his associates. Based on fact, and things have not got ‘better’.

Even if this were a guy down the road that you’d been seeing regularly for 8 months I’d advise against opening a joint account. It really should just be for long term committed partners.

When you're wearing rose-tinted spectacles, a red flag is just ...a flag.

@Mevawall something occurred to me.
when you had the hassle to sort out the payment for your part of the holiday and 'spoke to his bank' are you sure it was the bank?

Could it be part of a scam where someone he knew was gaining access to your bank details and other personal information?

Scams often begin where someone impersonates a bank and steals private information.

This is part of the trust building part of the scam, google tells me.

First, they give access to a fake bank with transactions - money can't move from it of course! But it has chat functionality etc.

Trust is built slowly through a series of small requests - accessing his account, trying to move money, accepting money, swapping money.

Then a request the person wouldn't have done without the build up ... the money laundering part.
It's sad

Quite honestly, he would have to be crazy to come over here to be with a woman he's only met a few times and buy a house and put her name on it. Why would he do that?

OP what have you gained from your thread?

Reading your posts again, I saw he has been to the UK 5 times (so he has family in the UK?)

Have you met his family here?

Have you met his friends or family in the US?

Your total number of meetings seems to be his 6 weeks in the UK (since you met him) , a week when you went to the US, and a week in Ireland as a holiday.

So the reality is you have spent about 8 weeks in this man's company.

And you call him a partner and are planning to buy a house together and make him part of your kids' lives.

What can anyone else say to make you see how dreadful the idea is?

If he's a swindler, he's put a lot of effort in. It looks better that you met in the UK, it could all be legit, but you really don't know for sure it is. I will say the development of the relationship is quite fast for a LDR, heck, it's fast for a person who lives just up the road. Talking of living together & marriage after only 8 months does smack of love-bombing.
If you were to ask 100 people in a room, would you date someone 'separated' but living together still, the majority would not go there - so he is unusual in being a person who is going there. Perhaps could put that concern to bed a tad as he has met your DH, which does offer reassurance in some way that your relationship is done, however, to be willing to get to a point of meeting him is unusual.
The joint account thing, it's just an unnecessary ask and risk IMO. If it's ease of paying for stuff, it may seem sensible, but though it could be less easy staying separate, it is still doable to be so and peace of mind is worth the effort, so all that should be met with a resounding no! His reaction to that should shed light on it. You get to find out if he is genuine by not buying anything in advance on his behalf, if he wants xyz, he either pays you up front, or buys it himself so there is no risk to you.
If he is genuine, he will be fine about you not risking anything. If he's not, he will push risks to you now and then, or ghost if he can see he's getting nowhere. So, you've got a good way now of sussing if he is genuine, don't risk anything and the worst that can happen is a broken heart. The concern is that he has already suggested going down a path of risk, or leaps of faith, which is why you are asking about it.
Regarding marital assets, the guilt of being the instigator of your split is probably clouding judgement on that. You haven't said much about your marriage setup. Do you earn the same/ more or less, than your StbExH ? Does he have his own savings pot in his name, and would it be bigger than yours or less? Also, when did he inherit the house? Is it recent or years ago?
I'm wondering how it is you say you live month to month and get excited over a tiny sum of £8000 being given - a sum that you say he has to remortgage to give you on a house that's mortgage free - actually that implies he has no savings. So you both earn a decent enough wage to afford to pay for housing and DC separately, but have not managed to amass any savings whilst together while living mortgage free,how is this possible? Only you know, and it might make more sense if the house was a recent gift and you were renting up to then, so that is an important bit of info required.
Unless your ex has matched your effort in housework and childcare over the years, then he ows you a far bigger chunk than £8000 - if you need a car, that's it all gone in a flash. If he earns similar to you, he should at least borrow on the house a sum that results in him paying a rate back monthly that is worth half the value of your future rent amount. Get the house valued and work it out, or, take a deal where he gives you monthly maintenance to the value of half your rent - it's only fair, he gets to live mortgage/ rent free and you don't, how is that fair in any world going forward? Don't make you life hard financially because you feel sorry for him about ending things. It took 2 to become unhappy.

With all the good and thoughtful advice on this thread - of which there is much- here we have a foolhardy person who is going to get into trouble and then be back on here in a couple of years asking for advice after the inevitable catastrophic implosion

What if your children do not like him, how would you deal with that?
Is he used to having children in his life?

For those saying you would be liable for half of any debt he took from a joint account - the term is joint and several liability - either of you could be liable for the WHOLE amount so if he took $300k and disappeared, the bank would chase you for all of it.

I don’t understand why you will not consider a share of your marital home with STBEXH of 18 years but you would consider a home put 100% in your name (and therefore your sole ownership) with a man you’ve known vaguely for 8 months??

I have been in a LD relationship for 16 years now, we are happy living apart; we have trust in our monogamy and like you we have a great time when together. BUT we have no shared financial interests and we don’t lend or loan. We both have our own property and are quite equally matched for standard of living. We take turns to fly and visit and although we are in love, we both accept that neither of us wants to live in the other country. Some friends said “but where does that lead?” So far, nowhere! but life is a journey not a destination and my journey is enjoyable with no other commitment.

So for me it’s not the relationship which is the red flag although I also agree it is much too soon, it is the early focus on money and tying things up together financially that should have you running for the hills.

I doubt @Mevawall is coming back because she doesn't want to listen to all the comments saying she is making a mistake.

The one thing you need to focus on ( if you are still reading) is that you have only met this man for a total of 56 days at most.
His 5 trips to the UK, your week on holiday, and your trip to the US.

So it's not been 8 months at all.
You've been in contact for 8 months but your actual meetings are far less.
56 days is less than 2 months.

You've not lived with him. You have only seen him on holidays.
I doubt you have met his friends, his family, or his colleagues.

AND you are still married. I even wonder if your H knows about this man and how he'd feel about him being with your children.

You know next to nothing about him, yet here he is, suggesting you pool your money, share accounts, buy a house in your name etc.

For goodness sake wake up, love.

As PP have said, the OP doesn't want to listen. Actually, I'm not sure what she came here for, possibly validation, which has been (for good reason) lacking.

What worries me is that this guy has an answer for everything. He's recently sold his house and moved states because of a sick relative. He's amassed money because he's been a hermit recently. He's able to move across the pond and work for a US company during the daytime because he currently works through the night. All terribly convenient and equally worrying.

What's more, sharing significant financial information about yourself in the very early stages of a relation points to either ulterior motives at worst of a vacuous personality at best.

There was never any need for him to provide log in details for his online bank account, other than to engender trust or dangle a carrot. This is a known scam tactic and if you think about it, it's utterly utterly bizarre. If I had transferred money to my DP and there was an issue, I'd be calling my bank or I'd ask him to call his, there is literally no benefit from OP logging into and seeing this man's bank account in terms of resolving that particular problem.

As for your joint accounts. This isn't likely to be possible (phew) and even if it was, you, what would you tell a friend in this scenario? You'd say it's absolutely absurd and you know you would. It's a huge red. He is creating false barriers and problems that simply don't exist and in doing so, he is trying to coerce you into a financial union, to what ends, god only knows. Transferring money in this day and age has literally NEVER BEEN EASIER.

AND if he is legit, who on earth moves across the Atlantic, purchasing a house prior to, and signs half of this asset over to a near stranger. A) this isn't legally possible and B) even if it was, it's so far out there when you look at it objectively, that's it's got to be absolute horsh shit.

Why hasn't he suggested an extended stay, perhaps a month, on a tourist visa. He could rent an Airbnb and as the principal purpose of his visit (to spend time with OP) I think he'd be allowed to conduct work for his US company ona remote basis. This kind of trip, several of these trips, would secure a much sounder foundation for taking a LD relationship and transitioning it into real life.

Run for the hills. This man is either scamming you or he's whimsical, hot headed, has no common sense and is likely to drop you and your children for the next fantasy that comes around the corner (bearing in mid you'll be what, his second or third 'family').

Best wishes.

I would also remind you op that living with someone will be very very different to dating long distance. At the moment you see all of his good bits, you don't have any arguments about housework, money, the kids, routines, habits, food etc. You need to spend a lot more time living closer and finding out how he lives and is on a day to day basis, not just the fantasy version you have at the moment. When you're in a long distance relationship the honeymoon period lasts a lot longer than it would if you saw eachother a lot.

What's more, sharing significant financial information about yourself in the very early stages of a relation points to either ulterior motives at worst of a vacuous personality at best

There was never any need for him to provide log in details for his online bank account, other than to engender trust or dangle a carrot.

Not only to engender trust - 'see! I trust you with my financial details!' but to pressure the OP into reciprocating with something that proves she trusts him. OP has said she isn't claiming her half of the marital home because she feels guilty she instigated the break up - if she's told her new man that then he's got input into her psyche he can use to pressure her, 'What are you going to do to show you trust me?' and make her feel bad when she doesn't.

Not that there's any sign of that. Sorry to say OP appears all too ready to roll over and give him everything he wants.

I totally agree with all@Bs0u416d points. Could be a scam but could equally be a very flakey man who you have only seen the good side of so far.

I believe there should be a law that stopped people getting in relationships for 12 months after a divorce. Adapting to such a massive life change (specially when kids are involved) leaves people in a very vulnerable position, which makes us do stupid decisions (like opening a joint account with a foreign stranger and deciding he’s the man of our life after 6 dates).

I work and can support myself and my children independently (work is something I wouldn’t ever give up and he is very supportive with my development) though I’ll never be able to buy a house, but that side of things isn’t a huge issue to me and I’m happy to rent long-term.

If you are in your 40s and can't ever buy a house, you are either on a low income or you live somewhere in the UK where house prices are high.

It begs the question whether you see this man as providing a house for you which you think is out of reach by yourself.

Yet this is ignoring the fact that half the marital home belongs to you, as a joint asset.

It's very strange that you don't want to pursue your rightful share of marital assets as part of your divorce (because you think it's not yours to claim) but you are considering jumping into some dodgy financial situation with a man you barely know.

I'm sure this is why you have turned to anons on a forum for their views rather than talking about it in real life, because in RL your friends would not give you the answers you want from this.

OP I know the guy seems genuine to you but do not open any joint accounts or stay together, until he establishes his residency where you live. You are in your 40's with kids to think about. You just want to be on a safe side if things go sour. They say love is blind, when you are crazy in love you don't think about some of the things. Just tell him, he can move but rent on his own even if it's for 6mths while you guys continue to date and see how the relationship goes.

You really should be seeking half the proceeds for the house. You're entitled to this as his wife. It's irrelevant that it was a gift from his grandmother.

Consider this. Your ex remarries in a few years time and new wife moves in. He dies at some future point, with or without a will. Without a will, the new wife inherits the house. If she doesn't want to leave anything to her step children (i.e. your kids), she doesn't have to. Maybe she brings her own kids to the marriage, maybe he has reversed the vasectomy successfully. Your children get nothing.

Maybe he does have a will. Leaves everything to your children. Then the wife can challenge that will, especially if she is living there with kids of her own. Your children may still get nothing.

Don't think it won't happen. Similar has happened to a member of my husband's family. There was a will that clearly second wife knew nothing about. Children involved are grown up. They are in a bitter dispute with the wife who is trying to claw back as much of the inheritance as she can, despite inheriting over half the estate. There is no consideration for the children of her husband's first marriage.

You are being very naive. (I won't say anything about the seemingly perfect American partner since you've heard a lot about that.)

Exactly, it's these sorts of manouevres. You might not think you have access to huge funds for him to snaffle but it often ends up in loans, credit cards taken out in the unsuspecting person's name.

PS maybe your husband is being so very amicable because he realises you are gifting him the entire house wholly unnecessarily!

I'd imagine he can't believe his luck and is crossing his fingers OP doesn't find out she's entitled to half; but given that they haven't even separated yet or started a divorce process, a lot can happen. I'm finding it rather hard to believe that someone in their 40s is as financially naive as the OP says she is.

@Mevawall please thing again about the house- in my late 20s I gave my ex husband 100% of everything - car, house etc- partly because I felt guilty I was the one who wanted to separate - and I thought it would keep things amicable. 3 months later he moved another woman in and in that instant I was totally forgotten and treated like crap too- things can turn on a pinhead and I now wish totally in my 60s I had taken what I was due.

OP, it seems to me that you are so taken up with not appearing to be taking advantage of either of these men, that you have completely missed how they are both going to screw you over!