Mum friend copying my every move.

[EastDulwichMummy93]

I met three wonderful mums at a pregnancy class four years ago, we became very close and so are our children. We went on to have second children at the same time, by coincidence, and I completely value their friendships. We navigated pregnancy, covid, the newborn year, and beyond together. I genuinly love them.

There is one mum in the group who I have grown particuarly close to, we each have a girl who are also close, there's just one problem, she copies everything I do and it's really starting to annoy me.

If I buy clothes for my daughter, she buys the same clothes (she even asks me where they are from), each year she has gone on holiday to the same place as us, next year shes booked the same place as us and we will be there at the same time. I run a small buisness and when I make something she makes something similar. It's become a running joke with me and my husband that she copies us and we shouldn't mention anything to her. It's got to a point now that if I mention that my daughter likes a TV show, the next week her daughter is that TV shows biggest fan and has a soft toy from the show. I feel like my daughter and me can't have any individuality in the group as we have a carbon copy behind us!

I'm wondering if other people would find this strange and if I should distance myself from her or just look the other way?

I'd find it annoying, especially as she has to 'out do' you. I'd say she's insecure and jealous maybe.

I think that some of it could be put down to her seeing you as a good example of a parent, e.g. starting swimming at the same time. In a way, if you all have kids the same age, it kind of makes sense that she would see something like that as a good idea. Same with TV - a bit like if your best friend who likes the same TV as you recommends a show. I think it would become more weird if she doesn't show much initiative outside of copying.

The holiday thing, however, is definitely a bit much. I think if you like the sound of a close friend's holiday plans and want to join, it would be much better to ask if friend fancied joining up for a trip, either this time or next time. But to go ahead and book at the same time with no discussion is definitely massively overstepping!

Sian, you’re copying me and I understand that it comes from a place of insecurity but I am finding it hard to process. If we are to move forward we need to resolve this

Yes please say this and then start a thread about the response

I would say it’s well and truly out of the ballpark
the op is happily socialising with the “stalker”
the op is voluntarily, indeed willingly, providing the “stalker” with holiday dates, TV programmes etc
the “victim” “values” her friendship with the “stalker”
To me it’s a competitive Op (she admits to being so), and a wealthier but insecure “friend”

Without wanting to start a pissing contest, I know a fair bit about this. I haven't just thrown the word stalking out there after pulling it from my arse.

Hopefully I can explain a bit better. Stalking and para-stalking behaviours can be much more subtle and insidious than a creep in an anorak hiding in your bushes.

People sometimes live with their stalkers. Stalking in the context of a relationship is called coercive control. When the relationship ends and the behaviour continues outside of the relationship, it becomes stalking. But the level of surveillance, manipulation, fear and control experienced by the victim remains the same.

I'm suggesting that extreme copying described in the OP is para-stalking behaviour. This can still happen in the context of a friendship.

It's incredibly disturbing and distressing when it happens to you. People minimising, taking the piss, suggesting the OP should be flattered, or joking about shirt haircuts, etc are completely missing the point that THE OP DOESNT LIKE IT and wants the behaviour to stop.

I wonder why some posters are so invested in convincing her she shouldn't feel how she feels.

To be honest this sounds pretty juvenile.

Just found this thread today as it was recommended from another one.
Does anyone know why there are so many post deleted by @Broccoliforever ??
it was hard to read with so many deleted comments and no one acknowledging it!

OP - has the copying settled down or is she in Christmas copying mode now??

@JustJoinedRightNow I wondered about all the deleted posts too!

I second the neuro divergent comment. If she isn't nasty to you or horrible on any way she might be copying you as a way of fitting in or structure.

She can’t be a true friend as the copying betrays her for being immature, possibly jealous, unable to think for herself. She’s not someone you’d want to know long term, I think.

I had a friend like this, until she tipped into something much darker and tried to destroy my friendships. She did me a lot of harm, but I stood my ground with my friends - lost a few but she came off far far worse.

I’ve experienced a lower level of this from 2 school mums. Suddenly 1 has 2 of my hobbies and was asking about a 3rd. I’m dreading her joining my group at one of the hobbies as she progresses because I now feel I want to be quite guarded about what I share. The other has started turning up to all the same clubs as my daughter (again thankfully not the same classes yet). If it was just 1 thing, it would be fine, nice even, to have a shared interest. It’s the level of copying that feels instructive and has made me feel uncomfortable.

I think YANBU as the level of copying you’re experiencing sounds intense. I would withdraw and start being vague about things. But it’s hard to have a friendship under those circumstances.