Mum friend copying my every move.

[EastDulwichMummy93]

I met three wonderful mums at a pregnancy class four years ago, we became very close and so are our children. We went on to have second children at the same time, by coincidence, and I completely value their friendships. We navigated pregnancy, covid, the newborn year, and beyond together. I genuinly love them.

There is one mum in the group who I have grown particuarly close to, we each have a girl who are also close, there's just one problem, she copies everything I do and it's really starting to annoy me.

If I buy clothes for my daughter, she buys the same clothes (she even asks me where they are from), each year she has gone on holiday to the same place as us, next year shes booked the same place as us and we will be there at the same time. I run a small buisness and when I make something she makes something similar. It's become a running joke with me and my husband that she copies us and we shouldn't mention anything to her. It's got to a point now that if I mention that my daughter likes a TV show, the next week her daughter is that TV shows biggest fan and has a soft toy from the show. I feel like my daughter and me can't have any individuality in the group as we have a carbon copy behind us!

I'm wondering if other people would find this strange and if I should distance myself from her or just look the other way?

Next time she does it (an obvious one not just kids watching the same TV) can you just say to her,
'I know you think I'm absolutely class & I love you too, but perhaps dial down the copying, it's getting a bit weird now.'

I had someone in my life like this once. She even bought the same knickers as me!

Encourage her to talk about herself. Come uo with some stock phrases and responses to deflect any questions to you. You will need many versions of "Hmmm, I don't know/haven't thought about it/not really sure....what do you think?"

You'll have to learn to be less open with her, unfortunately.

Love the Florida/Florence thing. Give it a whirl with Beirut/Barcelona.

Time to get a bald cap and say you felt like doing something daring. See how far she's willing to go to copy you.

Obviously don't actually do this if you value your friendship, as funny as some of these "messing with her" ideas are.

I think I could probably ignore the majority of this, but essentially inviting herself on your family holiday is a step too far imo, I think that's the point I'd have to have a word.

My MIL had this issue with a neighbour in the same block of flats when she was a young mum .. she got a new fireplace and her neighbour got an identical one; she bought new red curtains and the neighbour got the same ones a few days later. And so on and on. It drove her nuts.
MIL was out one day and my DH (aged about 8) answered a knock at the door to find the nosey neighbour standing there. He said (no filter) "Oh Mum says she'll kill me if I let you into the flat when she's out because you just go and buy the same thing as us all the time".
Never happened again

Oooh I had this once, not a close friend though more one of a group. I actually did speak to her about it but she did the tinkly laugh, denied it and accused me of being self obsessed.

I ended up posting a doctored picture of my long hair in a short bob to Instagram, just wrote ‘thoughts?’ Then didn’t reply to the comments. Lo and behold, next time we all met up, she has her hair cut the same way. She was LIVID. Accused me of tricking her, said she had wanted to keep her hair long. I acted taken aback and said I had posted the picture in an attempt to get opinions on wether I should get the cut, pointed out that she had said she wasn’t copying so why could I possibly be tricking her? A few people present had been there when she called me self obsessed and called her out on it, said she clearly was copying, why did she lie, why would she cut her hair if she didn’t want to etc. She was so angry and tearful but couldn’t come up with a reply. It was honestly one of the most satisfying moments of my entire life!

If you’re good friends with this woman then I wouldn’t take the same approach as it burned bridges, but Christ it felt good in the moment.

Wow ScarlettBeauregarde how weird of her! Did she stay in your group after being so deftly caught out? If so did the copying stop?

I am astounded at her going to such lengths as cutting her hair when she really didn't want to! Bonkers!

Why is it exhausting? Why is it anything other than a bit funny?

Your DD is 3/4 years old and wants to be Mini Mouse for Halloween ..... really?

How has she any concept of either at this age?

Many children start swimming lessons at this age as well as get their first bike....

Is it that you want you and your DD to be out front ahead your friends? Do you have a competitive streak that is being challenged?

Yes a bit irritating, but please don’t be mean to her, because it sounds like she hasn’t got enough faith in her own choices, and holds you in very high esteem.

It is a actually a MASSIVE compliment to you.

Try and see the bigger picture and reflect on it a bit from your side as well as hers.

Well we've been to Disneyland twice, her favourite show is Mickey Mouse clubhouse and she has just discovered the Minnie mouse Halloween special on disney+ so not really that unusual that she wants to dress up as a Halloween version of her favourite character.

As I said in my earlier comment, it's not the individual things it's when you add
them all up.

I definitely have a competitive streak, that’s not the issue. The issue is,
whenever I buy clothes, go on holiday, take an interest, buy a car (yes car!)
buy shoes, create something for my business.... there is someone who I care
about copying me. My question is, would others put up with it to keep the relationship or should I find a new friend

Very Single White Female. Have you never called her out on anything?

These threads are often hilarious. The person shrieking about being copied always does absolutely predictable ‘bang in the middle of the demographic’ generic stuff, and seems genuinely taken aback when someone they appear to spend every waking hour with and who is just as predictable, does everything they do.

No one ever claims their friend has copied them in talking up tantric sex therapy, moving to the ME to open a sanctuary for former racing camels, calling their newborn Gertrude Blu Seashell, and getting a full-body tattoo of their favourite illustrations from the Kama Sutra. with The Broken Flute across their forehead. (I googled it.)

Be less generic, OP.

I’m struggling with this. You proclaim to love her, want to stay friends and then in the next breath say should I put up with this or find a new friend. Doesn’t sound like you like her very much at all.

To those who don't believe the Op, I've been where she is. When you're in it, you know.

I had a friend as a teenager / YA. She didn't even make much of a secret of it. Like the Op's friend, she would ask where I got my hair cut / bought that coat / went for a meal. And then do it herself. It was harmless, but irritating. Especially when we'd go out and I'd find she was in the same clothes as me, with the same handbag, same necklace. It was noticeable to other people.

Worse, she dated a man who once spoke to me told. Told me I wasn't as good as I thought it was, and to stop forcing my taste on his GF. She was her own person. I was dumbfounded.

Are you sure she isn’t just taking your advice? If my friend recommended a nice shop to buy outfits from for my child or a TV show their child of the same age loves I might try it out too? Isn’t that what friends do - share good advice and tips with their friends to make their lives easier? As a PP said, all kids watch and like the same shows! And it’s normal to search for good quality stores to buy your kids clothes from? And so what if she went to the same holiday destination as you? I recommend my holiday destinations to my friends and would be thrilled if they went as I’d know they were going to have a lovely time. Are you sure you aren’t just being a bit… arrogant?

Does she flirt with your husband? That might be her end game...eek!

Your annoyance is valid.

These types of thread come up a lot on MN and they always make me wonder whether there are some people who are more likely to feel 'copied' than others. I mean, all of us know people who are a little unselfconfident or uncertain and are therefore likely to follow choices made by others in their peer group. But most of us wouldn't feel that someone had locked on to them as a kind of mini-me.

One of the questions these threads make me ask is 'Does the OP have evidence that the 'copying' person is more influenced by the OP's choices than by those of other friends, colleagues, family members, acquaintences? Or has the OP just seen that the person is sometimes influenced by the OP and then immediately inferred that the OP is a dominant influence in her life?

I wonder what personaility characteristics make someone more likely to feel copied by others. When we are children, we often feel really fiercely angry with siblings (or other close childhood relatives) that we feel are copying us. I can remember me and my sister being FURIOUS with one another about that.

When we are children, we are working so hard to carve out our own space, our own independent character, in relation to siblings. Perhaps in some families that becomes vexed enough that those irritations about copying continue into adulthood?

@MorrisWallpaper Yes, v v true.

Id feel smothered. A girl at school did this to me. I was still friends with her till about age 21and then id had enough and distance myself and concentrated on my new work friends.
She would buy all the same clothes, make up, start going to my hairdressers. If i mentioned i was having drinks after work with collegues (she didnt know) she would turn up.
She bought the same car as me even though it was totally crap and cheap and not one i really would have chosen, she was very well off so had no need to do this.
I felt completely smothered. I was really upset when id asked my then boyfriend for some shoes for my birthday. A real treat i wouldn't have paid for myself. She turned up at my birthday drinks wearing them!
Its stupid in the grand scheme of world problems but it does feel uncomfortable.
I would start minimising information or not being particularly clear or honest about your plans.
I would move hol8day to a later date and blame hubbys work or an imaginary home repair that needs money so you need longer to save up etc.

Ha ha ha 😂

I wondered this too. You could argue that every decade people are copying each other because certain hairstyles, clothing, food trends, holidays etc become massively popular and lots of people follow those trends. This is exactly why every decade has a very definitive look and style to it. With regard to the holiday, I've seen people talk on MN about their holidays from hell and others recommending resorts that they know are decent- isnt that "copying" too? I just cant see tv programmes and clothing as something deeply sinister or weird or indicative of some kind of psycho stalker, sorry. Its all too generic.

This is really odd.

I don't know why posters are trying so hard to minimise your feelings about this OP.

It's very unpleasant when it happens to you. Someone appropriating aspects of your life and identity for themselves is a massive violation of your boundaries. The behaviour is in the same ballpark as stalking. You feel scrutinised, you feel surveilled, suddenly your autonomy is restricted because you're having to self-monitor your choices.

She actually sounds unwell and if I were you I'd take a massive step back from the friendship.