Mum friend copying my every move.

[EastDulwichMummy93]

I met three wonderful mums at a pregnancy class four years ago, we became very close and so are our children. We went on to have second children at the same time, by coincidence, and I completely value their friendships. We navigated pregnancy, covid, the newborn year, and beyond together. I genuinly love them.

There is one mum in the group who I have grown particuarly close to, we each have a girl who are also close, there's just one problem, she copies everything I do and it's really starting to annoy me.

If I buy clothes for my daughter, she buys the same clothes (she even asks me where they are from), each year she has gone on holiday to the same place as us, next year shes booked the same place as us and we will be there at the same time. I run a small buisness and when I make something she makes something similar. It's become a running joke with me and my husband that she copies us and we shouldn't mention anything to her. It's got to a point now that if I mention that my daughter likes a TV show, the next week her daughter is that TV shows biggest fan and has a soft toy from the show. I feel like my daughter and me can't have any individuality in the group as we have a carbon copy behind us!

I'm wondering if other people would find this strange and if I should distance myself from her or just look the other way?

I had a friend like this when I was a teenage, it got so draining she asked how I was having my hair cut that was due I said a pixie cut which I wasn't I was actually having a trim, lone behold she got a pixie cut. Probably mean but she didn't really copy me after that

It doesn't have to be all or nothing, why not take a bit of a step back? 3 to 4 times a week sounds intense to be honest, and it sounds like you end up talking more at length about yourself than you would if you spent less time together. She possibly wants to feel like she fits in or there's something else going on, doesn't make it any less annoying for you but instead of throw away a friendship you claim is important to you, why not tactfully mention it?

I meant to add also that it changes the whole dynamic of the friendship. Because it's no longer one of equals - it's one person slowly trying to subsume the other. To mesh their identities.

Until she stops, there is no friendship here anyway. Only an attempt at colonisation.

From the title my first thought was "maybe she likes the way you carry yourself"......? However, after reading the context...... that is a bit excessive. I understand why you are getting annoyed!

I would definitely start to not tell her very much anymore. The things you can help of course. Like tv shows, holiday etc. I highly doubt you will be able to cancel or even move dates for holiday planned next year.

Maybe you could point out something she has and ask where she got it etc? Then she might have more confidence about her own choices......? Maybe fib and say something was a gift so you aren't sure where it came from..... ? 😬

I know it isn't ideal but can you block her from seeing anything with your small business? If she says anything maybe say you took to a different platform....? Decided to make your clientele more personal.....? I don't know! I can't really think of good possibilities for that one 😬

If you are spending time with her and your husband happens to be around maybe he can "complain" to you about a "friend" of his that is just "copying" everything he does and it's just so darn "annoying". Throw in there "how can anyone have individuality living like that, don't they want to be their own person"!? Lol. That's kind of a passive aggressive approach I feel 🙈

Goodness! What a tough spot to be in and try to navigate! I am so sorry!

This. Just inwardly roll your eyes and get on with your own life and stop worrying about hers and what she does.

Yes seems to be noses out of joint and competitive sparring - clue in the copied holiday.....to a better hotel which being worthy of mention is very revealing.

Seems odd to hang out with someone 3-4 times a week .... I would expand your social network and see a variety of different friends in different social settings - take the pressure off this one.

All the little things wouldn’t annoy me but the holiday at the same time as me would.

I hate sharing my holiday with people other than my little family. We don’t go on holiday with others because I want to please our family rather than trying to please a large group.

id probably have had snapped about the holiday situation by now. Especially going the same time!

You would have had to give out the exact location and holiday dates to someone who you know copies you!

I don't think I've ever specified an exact location or dates when having a casual conversation about holiday.

You must have said something like 'We are going to hotel X in Town/city name, area, country and are leaving on x date and coming home on x date.'

The behaviour is in the same ballpark as stalking. You feel scrutinised, you feel surveilled, suddenly your autonomy is restricted because you're having to self-monitor your choices

Anyone who has truly been stalked and in fear for their life and their family would know just how ridiculous this statement is.

I’d guess your friend is insecure and looks up to you as someone mutual friends admire so copies you to make sure she’s accepted?

My daughter had this last year a girl moved to her school and starting seeing her boyfriends best friend so they ended up socialising frequently. My daughter got so irritated as anytime she bought concert tickets/clothes/expressed an interest in something this girl got tickets/bought the same clothing etc etc- poor girl must’ve spent a fortune on stuff she had no interest in. After a couple of months of this the girl eventually moved on… she was genuinely just trying to fit in (think this was her 3rd school in as many years and don’t think she’d had good experiences at either).

I wouldn’t be mean or trick her but as others have said if she asks about clothes you have say it was a gift or don’t wear new stuff when your meeting her etc. For holidays don’t say you’ve booked anything if you can until the last minute. Maybe also try complimenting her on clothes she’s not copied. Might give her a confidence boost and encourage her to be herself?

So she’s copying your business? Is she setting up in competition?

Did she go to Disneyland too?

I’ve had a similar experience so I totally get it EastDulwichMummy93 , it is immensely frustrating and goes beyond flattery. It’s difficult to explain how this can be so negative to anyone who hasn’t experienced it.

Except in my case it was my Mum copying my clothes and accessories, kitchen stuff and decor, etc. and when she copied my new hairstyle and colour that nearly finished me off.

I thought long and hard about how to break the cycle (of her behaviour and my reaction to it) as I really didn’t want to offend her. I eventually managed it by maintaining the same level of contact but avoided her coming to my house and I repeatedly wore the same few outfits. I had to be quite inventive and subtle but it becomes easier to be vague in conversation when you practise!

Are you insinuating that you have to fear for your life/families life to be considered "stalked"?

Given that the OP apparently voluntarily socialises with her ‘friend’ three or four times a week, I’m not sure this ‘stalker’ is having to put much energy into her stalking.

@MorrisWallpaper

Very valid point!

I said it's in the same ballpark as stalking. In that it is an obsessional, unhealthy interest in another person. And the effect is that the target starts to change their behaviour in order to minimise or avoid the level of interest.

Would interest alone influence if something is stalking ?

Wouldn't it have to be the conduct.

Wouldn't all of this be thrown out the window because really it's all based on "unconsented contact". I don't see any of this being without her consent and no where do I see that she has expressed with the other party desire for this contact to be discontinued.

I've had this a couple of times and it's more annoying that flattering. Try and step back a bit and don't share as much as where you got things from. Hopefully she'll have someone else to sponge off ideas from.