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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Never going to tell anyone in real life, want to say it here - I think I should leave him

82 replies

CreateAUsername3000 · 04/10/2023 15:19

NCed for this as don't want anyone to know it's me.
I've been with my husband for over 20 years, met in our early 20s, now early 40s.
We've got 2 boys, they are the absolute loves of my life, 6 and nearly 3.
DH and I have both got baggage - my mum died when I was young and dad abandoned us. His parents divorced when he was 11 and then his mum sent him to boarding school to punish him for being sad about it.
He suppresses his emotions, then very rarely - once every few years or so - he just loses it completely.
I'm more emotional and have a shouty night maybe fortnightly, getting frustration off my chest - but both of us have a firm rule of never in front of the kids.
We had a rough pandemic (like most people!) and got completely sick of each others faces. He was drinking too much and being fairly vile to me.
Money has often been an issue, he has low self esteem and really struggles with job applications, hates failing, hates being judged, hates networking... He is nowhere near earning enough to keep us on an even keel.
I had bad health after baby 2, auto immune condition and chronic fatigue, lost my income. Felt so poorly and couldn't understand why he wasn't stepping up to cover me.
We have been going to counselling and I felt like things were getting better - more affection, more closeness, more like we were on the same team.
But it's been a hideous week - kids are ill with colds and grumpy and not sleeping, poor dog is having an arthritis flare up and we are not sure if it's time to pts. I'm retraining in a challenging area so that finally we could have a decent household income, and I have homework due, and he's not supporting me at all. It came to head last night in cross words and a huff.
Got back from the vets with dog's new medication this morning and tried to clear the air. 6 yo at school, nearly 3 yo was playing with his toys and I put my hand on m husband's arm and said let's not be ratty with each other, life is short, I just need more support sometimes. He started arguing, saying it was my fault, I'm unreasonably demanding, and always blame him unfairly. I raised my voice then and something snapped behind his eyes and he came at me, shoved me across the room and pinned me on the sofa, hitting me and grabbing me. It went on for a minute maybe? I was pinned and couldn't do anything, just felt totally powerless and terrified.
Then the toddler was sobbing and that's when he did the worst thing - ran to the toddler and picked him up and said "he's my son, I'm keeping him". The poor child was reaching for me and screaming and husband was turning his shoulders so I couldn't get to my child - I was terrified he'd hurt him so had to wait a minute or so while our son screamed for me until he'd calmed down enough to give him to me and then I could comfort him.
After the toddler was napping I went down and he was sat there saying it's really important for us to understand what happened so that we can avoid it happening again. He's sorry and I provoked him beyond what he could stand but this isn't something to break up our family over.
I am sick to think of the trauma caused to our baby and I have no clue what to do. I'd like to think I can keep our family together but can I? Should I leave? I don't have any money or anywhere to go. The boys love their dad and he's been (mostly) good to us for a long time. I'm not perfect by a long shot. My heart keeps skipping out of my chest, like he's pinning me again. He's gone to the gym, the boys are at school and nursery. I can't tell anyone in real life. If anyone reads this far I'd be grateful for any thoughts or advice. x

OP posts:
Gooders1105 · 04/10/2023 15:26

You poor, poor thing. This sounds absolutely terrifying. He knows that he has done something awful and is trying to guilt you into brushing it aside. But you can’t. He had physically assaulted you and you should ring the police. It wasn’t your fault. You are allowed to argue with someone without them assaulting you.

Gooders1105 · 04/10/2023 15:26

I would also reach out to a friend. Don’t cover this up. You have done nothing wrong.

Duxelle · 04/10/2023 15:30

I would report him to the police OP - you don't have to press charges but just make sure there is physical evidence of his assault of you as you may need it later down the line.
It's not acceptable, this isn't how a husband should treat a wife.
Your poor toddler.
It only gets worse.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 04/10/2023 15:34

Read back what you wrote. Your husband physically attacked and assaulted you. There is no excuse. None. There's no coming back from that line being crossed. I think you know this. I hope you're ok, be strong.

MissJam · 04/10/2023 15:39

You poor thing. Nobody ‘pushes’ anyone to do anything - what he did he chose to do whether he admits that or not.
I was in an abusive relationship 15 years ago which shaped the rest of my life going forward and not necessarily in the way I would have wanted or chosen.
Get out now while you still can - in my opinion this is unforgivable. We are here for you on this forum but you also need to report it and confide in someone.
Good luck x

GoldenOldies · 04/10/2023 15:49

You were terrified he would hurt your 3 year old baby.

Just think about that.

If you can’t see how absolutely horrific it is that he physically assaulted you, remember that, for a moment, you genuinely feared he would hurt a small child. A 3 year old, defenseless child. His own child.

Shock might be dulling things right now, but you should never be worried that someone is going to harm you or your child. It shouldn’t even be a thought.

Can you honestly look at him the same way ever again? Trust he won’t do it again? Trust he won’t escalate and grab your child from you again? Trust he won’t hurt your child?

If you honestly think there won’t come a time he could lash out and hurt your children, remember there was a time you would have sworn he wouldn’t hurt you

Desperateinseattle · 04/10/2023 15:54

Op please tell someone. I am so sorry- I’m sure you’ve had many wonderful times in 20 years and those still exist and are valid, but that’s not where you are now and you cannot come back from violence. He laid his hands on you in front of your child. Be brave for them and go. It’ll be the hardest thing ever but it will be the making of you.

billy1966 · 04/10/2023 16:02

How absolutely terrifying for you and your child.

I am so sorry but you felt fearful for yourself and your child, there is never any coming back from that.

HE went into damage limitation because he knows well that he has assaulted you and brought domestic violence and abuse into the home.

Please contact the police and Women's aid for support.

Reach out to a friend.

This is NOT your fault.

This rests 100% on him.

Your poor toddler witnessing this.

Please reach out.

Do not send your husband the message that he can control you.

HE has changed EVERYTHING by assaulting you.

Lots of families have very tough times, but they do not assault each other.

SlippinJanie · 04/10/2023 16:06

I would say exactly what DesperateinSeattle has just said. Please tell someone in real life. There is no coming back from violence. I'm so sad for you but you have to be really brave now and start to get a new life together, without him. It'll be so hard, we all know that, and you'll have so many second thoughts. But you know you have to do it. I wish you all the best.

Tinklyheadtilt · 04/10/2023 16:06

He needs counselling and you need to decide if this is a one off and forgivable. I'm not sure that it is.

Original poster
CreateAUsername3000 · 04/10/2023 16:08

Thanks all Flowers He said we can talk about it with our counsellor next week but won't they have a duty to report it? Especially because the toddler was there/ at risk? I don't feel like I can think straight just now but I don't want my children to ever be vulnerable like he made me feel. I am off to pick them up now, they're the most important things to me. I'm pretty bruised so I could report tomorrow, there is some evidence that won't go away overnight.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/10/2023 16:11

If you have any bruises/marks from his assault, take pictures.

Please don't downplay this or let him pretend it's fine because according to him it's your fault somehow - this is domestic violence.

You need to end the relationship. A line has been crossed if it's never happened before, and it's far far easier now for it to happen again. Especially since he's acting like it's a joint problem and not him being abusive and violent. There's no justification for this behaviour.

If you're married, you're due a fair share of any assets. You do not have to be the one to leave either.

LogicVoid · 04/10/2023 16:11

You must report. Your children are at risk, not 'just' you. Do it asap. Do you realise the implications if your toddler talks about it at nursery?

category12 · 04/10/2023 16:11

Joint counselling is not advisable where there is abuse and violence.

Mmhmmn · 04/10/2023 16:12

How terrifying OP. Feel a bit giddy reading that so can't think how you must be feeling. Your title on this post:
"Never going to tell anyone in real life"

Is exactly what you do need to do. Do not keep this a secret for him - you need support from family and friends. He does not deserve you keeping his violent outburst a secret - he CHOSE to do that to you and your child.

The second bit of your title is probably right but whatever you do, do tell people you are close to. This stuff thrives on secrecy.

LookingForPurpose · 04/10/2023 16:18

Op your absolutely MUST tell somebody about this. It could be your Gp or a friend. But you must tell somebody. Do not become complicit in this violence against you. He is an animal and you know you need to tell somebody. Then you need to make plans to separate as safely as possible. The absolute best thing to do would be to call the police and then prosecute. That way you have ab absolute proof and stand a better chance of contact being supervised. Especially as he intentionally held your screaming child separate to you . He KNOWINGLY did that desire the screaming from both of you. He used your child as a weapon against you and you were scared for his safety. So for me, it would be the police.

category12 · 04/10/2023 16:19

And it sounds like this has been an abusive relationship for quite some time, with his outbursts, "being fairly vile" to you and withholding of support while you are ill/struggling, and has now escalated to the physical.

Charlingspont · 04/10/2023 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mmhmmn · 04/10/2023 16:21

It doesn't sound like life with him has been happy enough before this to continue with the relationship, and one of your children has now witnessed domestic violence. It doesn't sound like staying with him is likely to bring a peaceful and happy future.

GoldenOldies · 04/10/2023 16:24

CreateAUsername3000 · 04/10/2023 16:08

Thanks all Flowers He said we can talk about it with our counsellor next week but won't they have a duty to report it? Especially because the toddler was there/ at risk? I don't feel like I can think straight just now but I don't want my children to ever be vulnerable like he made me feel. I am off to pick them up now, they're the most important things to me. I'm pretty bruised so I could report tomorrow, there is some evidence that won't go away overnight.

It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do but reporting it is the right thing to do. If not for you (I say that because I understand how hard it is to put yourself first, especially in these situations), then for your kids.

They can’t grow up with this. They can’t grow up at risk of him harming them, they can’t grow up thinking this is acceptable - either to do or be done to them.

Im sorry to say it but the husband you knew, the “good” one, is dead and buried. There’s no coming back from this.

Stilldigging · 04/10/2023 16:27

This is not something that can be solved by talking. It sounds frankly terrifying OP, and bloody dangerous. I know at the moment it must all feel overwhelming, but you really need to report this to the police and have him arrested in the short term. This should mean he will then have bail conditions not to contact you and at the very least give you some breathing space so you can make decisions about what to do next without him being there with you.

RandomNutter · 04/10/2023 16:31

It doesn't sound as though there is any relationship worth saving

Even if you think you can get over it (ie, your fear and bruises don't matter), what about the toddler?
That child has witnessed this, it could massively affect them.
They could say something at nursery, or copy what daddy did to another child. The nursery could report you to social services

Please call Women's Aid for advice and support.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

caramac04 · 04/10/2023 16:33

I agree you should report this physical abuse/assault even if you don’t want to press charges.
For your physical and mental health and that of your children, you need to leave or make your husband leave.

PimpMyFridge · 04/10/2023 16:33

Sounds like you've both got a lot of unresolved trauma coming between you, even before this assault the dynamic you described sounds pretty stressful and unhappy on both sides. Shouting every fortnight isn't normal though it likely feels it to you.
The stresses in the mix here if one needing to shout regularly to vent and the other feeling judged and inadequate as a self image, and the rest you explained is quite a cocktail of incompatible difficulties.
That doesn't mean you created the attack or deserved it mind you!
But, two scarred hurt people who press each others buttons don't necessarily make good life partners. The coping strategies you've both developed are preventing you from being what the other needs.
Maybe you do need to part company, ideally amicably if you do, with recognition that you can't be a wife/husband in the way that's needed until you've found a way not to let these wounds of the past pollute the future... easier said than done. It's awful the damage that childhood trauma causes.
I feel for you both, but if physical violence has come into the situation that's got to be taken really seriously, nobody (him included) in your family are going to feel content and secure if that's lurking in the wings.

Maplestars · 04/10/2023 16:34

this isn't something to break up our family over.
well how kindof him to inform you, so you didn’t have to worry your silly little head about it. Trust the person who attacked his wife and traumatised his child, to be in charge of decision making.

I was already thinking what a waste of space this man sounded from your op, then he attacked you.
he’s going to do it again, and you know he will, because he’s immediately blamed you. Rather than taking responsibility. He’s also playing down the seriousness, telling you what to do, and placating you with a discussion with the therapist in a week, instead of the police right now.

does your 3 year old interact with other adults? There’s every chance he’ll tell someone before you do, and then there will be questions about why you haven’t ensured the children’s safety. You need to report this.
absolutely take photos of the marks.