Never going to tell anyone in real life, want to say it here - I think I should leave him

[CreateAUsername3000]

NCed for this as don't want anyone to know it's me.
I've been with my husband for over 20 years, met in our early 20s, now early 40s.
We've got 2 boys, they are the absolute loves of my life, 6 and nearly 3.
DH and I have both got baggage - my mum died when I was young and dad abandoned us. His parents divorced when he was 11 and then his mum sent him to boarding school to punish him for being sad about it.
He suppresses his emotions, then very rarely - once every few years or so - he just loses it completely.
I'm more emotional and have a shouty night maybe fortnightly, getting frustration off my chest - but both of us have a firm rule of never in front of the kids.
We had a rough pandemic (like most people!) and got completely sick of each others faces. He was drinking too much and being fairly vile to me.
Money has often been an issue, he has low self esteem and really struggles with job applications, hates failing, hates being judged, hates networking... He is nowhere near earning enough to keep us on an even keel.
I had bad health after baby 2, auto immune condition and chronic fatigue, lost my income. Felt so poorly and couldn't understand why he wasn't stepping up to cover me.
We have been going to counselling and I felt like things were getting better - more affection, more closeness, more like we were on the same team.
But it's been a hideous week - kids are ill with colds and grumpy and not sleeping, poor dog is having an arthritis flare up and we are not sure if it's time to pts. I'm retraining in a challenging area so that finally we could have a decent household income, and I have homework due, and he's not supporting me at all. It came to head last night in cross words and a huff.
Got back from the vets with dog's new medication this morning and tried to clear the air. 6 yo at school, nearly 3 yo was playing with his toys and I put my hand on m husband's arm and said let's not be ratty with each other, life is short, I just need more support sometimes. He started arguing, saying it was my fault, I'm unreasonably demanding, and always blame him unfairly. I raised my voice then and something snapped behind his eyes and he came at me, shoved me across the room and pinned me on the sofa, hitting me and grabbing me. It went on for a minute maybe? I was pinned and couldn't do anything, just felt totally powerless and terrified.
Then the toddler was sobbing and that's when he did the worst thing - ran to the toddler and picked him up and said "he's my son, I'm keeping him". The poor child was reaching for me and screaming and husband was turning his shoulders so I couldn't get to my child - I was terrified he'd hurt him so had to wait a minute or so while our son screamed for me until he'd calmed down enough to give him to me and then I could comfort him.
After the toddler was napping I went down and he was sat there saying it's really important for us to understand what happened so that we can avoid it happening again. He's sorry and I provoked him beyond what he could stand but this isn't something to break up our family over.
I am sick to think of the trauma caused to our baby and I have no clue what to do. I'd like to think I can keep our family together but can I? Should I leave? I don't have any money or anywhere to go. The boys love their dad and he's been (mostly) good to us for a long time. I'm not perfect by a long shot. My heart keeps skipping out of my chest, like he's pinning me again. He's gone to the gym, the boys are at school and nursery. I can't tell anyone in real life. If anyone reads this far I'd be grateful for any thoughts or advice. x

Do also take photos of the bruising on your phone so they are dated.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You do not deserve this, in fact, no one does. Once you've reported to the police, you may want to ring your local council as they very often have support in place for residents fleeing DV and may be able to support you get your ducks in a row (ie housing, benefits, etc) so you can find confidence to leave. It's not even a question of should you leave him, but just set everything up for you and your children so you can do so asap.

Scary the way you describe his eyes as changing, like he snapped and you couldn’t get through to him.

So sorry you are dealing with this and just wanted to wish you and your children well.

OP, I also want to reiterate what others have said: it’s not your fault. Not even a little bit.

You could have been screaming in his face, calling him all sorts, and while obviously that wouldn’t be ok, that doesn’t excuse physical assault.

HE put HIS hands on YOU. HE frightened YOUR child. HE blamed it on you. It’s all him.

It’s common for an abuser to turn it around. Try and claim you pushed them to the brink, you provoked it, you deserved it. “You did this so I did this, therefore we’re both wrong.” sort of thing. It’s all lies. It’s victim blaming.

He’s ruined your marriage. He’s ruined your trust in him, his child’s trust in him. You haven’t ruined anything, you haven’t caused anything.

PP's are right that a line has been crossed and you can't go back once that has happened because it's literally a green light for him to do it again. If nothing terrible happens to him this time why would he stop himself next time you 'provoke' him? Even if that was acceptable for you (and it isn't), it very definitely isn't acceptable for your DC.

Reporting will feel terrifying but if you don't you are likely to face far scarier prospects when this happens again in the future (because it will), including Social Services potentially deeming you to have not adequately protected your DC, and having to send your DC off for contact with him knowing what he's capable of. You need to report and get the evidence documented to protect yourself and DC, I know several women who didn't and it's their biggest regret.

I know it feels like blowing up your life and family but the reality is that he has already done that. You will be in shock right now and I know it's difficult to be sure you're doing the right thing but there is a reason you're getting the same advice over and over. I'm so sorry OP, there really isn't any way back from this

OP, sending hugs

Regardless of what you do in future/next step,
pls do contact the Police. And if it is of help, they won't press charges or anything straight away; I think that will still be upto you. But, at least, there will be evidence and it will be on file. It may not seem that relevant to you, given how shaken you must be feeling !

Lots of us go through these abusive behaviours, without labelling them as such and often being gaslighted into believing that we somehow caused it. That is not true. We are humans, not animals. If anyone can do anything upon being provoked, there is no hope for humans! So, don't for a moment, blame yourself!
Sure, consider what you might have said and what made you say that, for your own sake; but, whatever you said or did, should not have led to the rest; simply, not acceptable.

His words and actions that you have described after the violence, is equally important for you to consider, as much as the violence itself.

Hope you start feeling better soon; look after yourself

Of course he’s not all bad, of course he was provoked, of course he’s a good dad most of the time. Whatever.
None of that matters. None of that takes away from how he behaved, he crossed a red line and you have to put your children first. Leave for their sake if not your own.

Op get out now before he kills you.

He’s not a good dad or a good husband, he’s a disgusting bully who will attack you in front of your kids. Good people don’t do that.

Don't hide this! I made the mistake of hiding what happened to me and it was held against me in court and was ruled against very unfavorably. Start with police and then talk to family and friends.

What he did was a snapshot of the reality in his heart & mind. It may be a glimpse into the future as well. He showed you who he is, now believe it and take proper steps, whatever it takes but don't stay there!

I hope you find the strength to report this to the police or at the very least your counsellor.

Thus is abuse. He violently attacked you in front of your child. On top of that he blamed you for it.

Theres no moving past that.

We had a rough pandemic (like most people!) and got completely sick of each others faces. He was drinking too much
and being fairly vile to me.

It seems like his behaviour has been deteriorating for years - I don’t think that this is a’rough patch’ that you can work through, you have tried a couples councillor and that also has failed completely.

He’s crossed the line with a physical attack which wasn’t even when you were having a heated argument (not that that would excuse it).

I think you should leave, this relationship has taken a very dark turn and how can you ever trust him again?

It will get worse. Leave now before your child has lasting memories of DD abusing you and potentially them in the future.

Your children can maintain a relationship with the father after you leave.
Stop and do not hide this..next time will it be worse?.
You have safety issues, emotional abuse, and the rest going on, as you know.
Life is too short.
He can threaten you, torment you, play kids off, isolate you only if You let him.
Some of us only tolerate so much, and you are within your rights to say go away and no more.
Talking, counselling can not stop his issues long term.
How long have you been so far?
It is just wrong to keep it hushed, and he is likely to hurt you.
You have the power and knowledge to leave. I am sure your family friends would support you should you need to walk out.
I would.
Stability and safety are highly important for your children, not that b.s.
--- Safe guard yourself, your kids, and your future!
I loathe to read these situations when you say hide it
Please don't.

Parents separating is really normalised now. As it should be. Your children will suffer far less trauma seeing you separate than they will witnessing their mummy being hurt by the person who should protect her. That sends a confusing and damaging message to children.

Do not accept an ounce of accountability for his actions. He chose to assault you, his choices for a long time have been wearing you down to the point of leaving. Ultimately you should leave, and be firm that he has chose this, over again, day after day by being unsupportive, abusive and physically violent. This is not a choice for you. He has chosen on your behalf by crossing boundaries that can never be healed or repaired.

I am so sorry that you are in this position, how scary for you. Please do confide in someone in real life, they will help keep the strength. You may not be wanting to do that because the moment someone close to you knows, that then makes this real and something you have to act on. Please do it, they will keep you strong.

Op.
He did this to you in front of your toddler, he then further traumatised your ds by not allowing you to comfort him.

You need to report this, not just because of the physical violence towards you, which is unforgivable, but because if it comes out to someone through your toddler somehow and social services get involved then your son will be considered for care. I don’t say this to further traumatise you as I know how utterly the foundations have been pulled from under you by this, but so you understand that its no longer about you or your partner, but all about your children and the risk that one day he might turn on them too.

OP, your marriage ended when he decided to physically assault you in front of your child. You don't have any options apart from to to leave him now. He took away the luxury of staying and working it out when he CHOSE to physically assault you.

You have to leave him for your safety and that of your children. They may well tell other adults / teachers what daddy did to mummy. If you choose to stay you are putting yourself and your children at risk of further abuse. As a parent, you have to safeguard your children.

You do however have control over how you choose to leave. As said, you need to record everything. Take photos of injuries, write a report of what happened and when and log it with the Police. Gather financial information, gather children birth certificates, passports, marriage certificate, mortgage details, pension details. Get support and get out.

How are you doing today, @CreateAUsername3000 ?

I really hope you're safe.

Absolutely this. If you stay next time he could squeeze your neck and kill you or harm your child. He has shown you what he is capable of. Believe it, report it to the police, and call Woman's Aid. He won't change. If he gets away with this and you just carry on the next time, and you know there will be a next time, it will be worse. He sounds jealous of you because you are closer to a better paid job than him. You need to get your DC away from him to safety.

Go to your GP and get those marks photographed before they fade. Ring the police. Press changes for assault.

Op are you ok?

Hi all, thanks so much for the support it really means the world. I emailed Womens Aid and then on their advice I've done the online police report and emailed the GP too. What happened will be logged, at least.

I feel like I'm still in shock and my toddler has also been super clingy and upset - husband said 'he's having a wonder week' and I said no, he witnessed violence in his home, he's in shock and upset and I am too. We can't sweep this under the carpet and pretend nothing happened.

I suggested that he should move out on a trial basis but he says we can't afford it, which I guess is true. He also said this is his home too, which is definitely true in law.

I'm not really sure what action I can take next but I absolutely agree that my children are the most important thing and I don't want their childhood to be like this, with violence and fear in their home. So I will keep trying to work out how to go ahead. I think once I start my new job after Xmas we might just be able to afford somewhere small for him to rent on a trial basis. I don't think I can make him leave though if he doesn't agree to.

As a baseline I think I just need to keep not allowing any sweeping it under the carpet. And keep trying to find a way out of this toxic mess to something that can be safe and healthy for my kids.

With the report and evidence, can police not force him out?

So happy to see your update and that you’ve done what’s best for you and your babies. Your poor little bubs must be terrified after witnessing such horror. For your H to just act like it’s not a big deal speaks volumes of how monstrous he is.

You’ve done the best thing for all of you, and your children will grow up knowing how brave their mum was and how she stood up for them. Well done OP

He refuses to recognise his child entirely natural response to seeing his father be violent to his mother is connected to his actions and describes it as a 'wonder week'
Wow. That's not someone who has snapped and full of regret and recrimination, that's someone who doesn't want to look in the mirror and face facts.
You can't fix that. Nothing can mend if he doesn't even think there's a problem to start with.
Hope you can find a way out without to much further trauma for anyone.
Well done on taking a strong stance on this!

I am so relieved to see that you've posted! I was worried he'd gone back for more.

You're being incredibly brave facing down his attempts to gloss over the severe violence he meted out to you and the threats to your boy.

"I think once I start my new job after Xmas we might just be able to afford somewhere small for him to rent on a trial basis. I don't think I can make him leave though if he doesn't agree to."

It's awful that he's saying you as a family can't afford for him to move out - it's not YOUR problem, it's his problem. He committed a crime against you. And yes you absolutely can make him move out. Have you heard of these: https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence

I really think you should try to talk to a police officer though, as they are the experts in preventing crime and that's what you also want - you don't want yourself or the kids to be the victims of any other attacks.

I am not trying to scare you but around Christmas is also when you see some of those awful occasions where blokes decide that rather than endure a break up they'll just do in their entire families. PLEASE DO NOT WAIT. Speak to the police (or if you won't, to WA again) today and find out your rights. You cannot live with the fear that he will hurt your children - what did you think he might do to your son the other day?

You guys have reached an inflection point and its a really dangerous one for you. He HATES his parents divorce and rightfully attributes the destruction of his childhood to his mother and her choice to send him away. He now casts you in her role—he hates you and fears you will break up the household and traumatize the children when you divorce him.

please get help. He will not be able to handle the strong emotions he is feeling and he is dangerous—people always are when they think they need to “rescue” their children and are really reenacting their own revenge for their own trauma.