NCed for this as don't want anyone to know it's me.
I've been with my husband for over 20 years, met in our early 20s, now early 40s.
We've got 2 boys, they are the absolute loves of my life, 6 and nearly 3.
DH and I have both got baggage - my mum died when I was young and dad abandoned us. His parents divorced when he was 11 and then his mum sent him to boarding school to punish him for being sad about it.
He suppresses his emotions, then very rarely - once every few years or so - he just loses it completely.
I'm more emotional and have a shouty night maybe fortnightly, getting frustration off my chest - but both of us have a firm rule of never in front of the kids.
We had a rough pandemic (like most people!) and got completely sick of each others faces. He was drinking too much and being fairly vile to me.
Money has often been an issue, he has low self esteem and really struggles with job applications, hates failing, hates being judged, hates networking... He is nowhere near earning enough to keep us on an even keel.
I had bad health after baby 2, auto immune condition and chronic fatigue, lost my income. Felt so poorly and couldn't understand why he wasn't stepping up to cover me.
We have been going to counselling and I felt like things were getting better - more affection, more closeness, more like we were on the same team.
But it's been a hideous week - kids are ill with colds and grumpy and not sleeping, poor dog is having an arthritis flare up and we are not sure if it's time to pts. I'm retraining in a challenging area so that finally we could have a decent household income, and I have homework due, and he's not supporting me at all. It came to head last night in cross words and a huff.
Got back from the vets with dog's new medication this morning and tried to clear the air. 6 yo at school, nearly 3 yo was playing with his toys and I put my hand on m husband's arm and said let's not be ratty with each other, life is short, I just need more support sometimes. He started arguing, saying it was my fault, I'm unreasonably demanding, and always blame him unfairly. I raised my voice then and something snapped behind his eyes and he came at me, shoved me across the room and pinned me on the sofa, hitting me and grabbing me. It went on for a minute maybe? I was pinned and couldn't do anything, just felt totally powerless and terrified.
Then the toddler was sobbing and that's when he did the worst thing - ran to the toddler and picked him up and said "he's my son, I'm keeping him". The poor child was reaching for me and screaming and husband was turning his shoulders so I couldn't get to my child - I was terrified he'd hurt him so had to wait a minute or so while our son screamed for me until he'd calmed down enough to give him to me and then I could comfort him.
After the toddler was napping I went down and he was sat there saying it's really important for us to understand what happened so that we can avoid it happening again. He's sorry and I provoked him beyond what he could stand but this isn't something to break up our family over.
I am sick to think of the trauma caused to our baby and I have no clue what to do. I'd like to think I can keep our family together but can I? Should I leave? I don't have any money or anywhere to go. The boys love their dad and he's been (mostly) good to us for a long time. I'm not perfect by a long shot. My heart keeps skipping out of my chest, like he's pinning me again. He's gone to the gym, the boys are at school and nursery. I can't tell anyone in real life. If anyone reads this far I'd be grateful for any thoughts or advice. x